I woke up feeling VERY panicked and anxious this morning and I don’t want to go into work. I don’t have huge amounts to do, but I do have enough to be getting on with, plus I need to make a start on packing it all up ready to move it to my mother’s. I just feel like I can’t face it right now. I’ve been back on my “happy pills” (anti depressant) for about a week, so hopefully they will kick in soon.
Stress for me involves very physical and very real symptoms. The best way to describe it is like those butterflies you get in the pit of your stomach when you are apprehensive about something. I call them my stress bubbles as that is just what it feels like. I feel them inside my stomach rising up from the bottom all the way up to the top, and I physically shake as well. Emotionally it is almost like a feeling of impending doom. It isn’t good. When it happens I just want to shut the world out – I don’t want to answer the phone or the doorbell
I am just full of apprehension and anxiety about the future and how I will cope and where I will get the emotional strength from. I KNOW I will cope because I will have to and I won’t have any choice, but the longer this is dragging out and we are having to live here in this house together … it is just getting worse. We are pretty much avoiding each other as best as we can.
On the upside, we did have a discussion about furniture etc and he apologised for being bitter and said I should take what I needed as long as I didn’t strip the house bare! I said I never intended to … I already have a sofa, cupboards, shelves & storage in my office at work that I’ll take … so all I really want from the house is the double bed, the dining table & chairs, the TV from upstairs and the stuff from the kids’ rooms plus my own personal posessions! The rest is just stuff.
As long as I have everything the kids will need, plus somewhere for me to sit and somewhere to lay my head – I’ll be fine.
Okay with that positive thought in mind, I AM going to go into work and start packing it up. At least if I do a couple of hours of clearing out and boxing up, then it will boost my mood later on as I will have achieved something.
Ohhh and another positive thought is that I am 9 stone 12lbs (138) today so that’s another pound gone. The scales were waivering between 137 and 138, but I picked the top number because tomorrow it may be flat on the bottom number :-) There we go … closing on a positive thought.
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