… he’s noticed that I am eating more. Does that mean I am eating too much?? Fuck my head is really screwed isn’t it. That wasn’t a question btw – merely a statement of facts. There was a conversation where STBX were discussing safe things. We only tend to have “safe” conversations these days about things that are either “important need to know” stuff or relevant to daily ongoing life and topics like the news, what we heard on the radio, what’s for dinner etc.
Anyway … and appropriately on the subject of what’s for dinner … Sunday STBX likes to cook. He’s an ex chef so it’s in his bones/blood whatever! He also likes to make sure that the children do get at least a couple of proper dinners and SOME vegetables in their diet which is all good as far as I am concerned! He did a roast tonight and when he let me know earlier that he was cooking tonight … I purposely didn’t eat anything at all during the day so that I could have a totally empty belly to eat “proper food” with …
Well there was conversation a little bit later and I don’t even remember how we got onto the subject … STBX was telling me what his weight was – I mentioned I’d lost another pound but that my appetite seemed to have increased over the last few days…
HE SAID YES, HE HAD NOTICED.
So he’s watching me scoffing food now? Does he even know what alarm bells that sets off inside my head??? It says to me I’ll show him – bastard! I won’t be living with him soon and I will show him what a low appetite can do … because I know I DO control my appetite… no really, I do.
Fucker – I won’t even be living with him and STILL he has this frigging control over me and this way of totally altering my perception of myself and snapping my self confidence. I’ve been feeling so positive lately and he has this way of bringing me right back down.
My appetite HAS increased yes. I put it down to the stress bubbles being popped with every day I get closer to leaving my husband “officially” … but I am keeping a very close eye on the scales and the minute it goes up even by a tiny little pound … well we’ll worry about that if when it happens.
Whoa, wait a minute. He doesn’t have any control over you — YOU have control over you — therefore, you control whether you LET him have control over you.
Now, getting back to you, it makes total sense to me that as you face this ginormous change in your life, the death of a marriage and all the feelings that come with it, along with a new life and making a soft place for your children to land, you would be worried about and focused on weight.
It goes with the territory, really. So, in the midst of this upheaval, please be kind to yourself and let yourself feel what you’re feeling, and please be very proud of yourself — you are just *wow*, really.
I’m glad you and your son are feeling better, too! : )
Em
I know that technically he doesn’t have control over me … it’s the way he makes me feel and the loss of self esteem throughout our crappy marriage… but that much is obvious eh.
I’m getting there … one day at a time