So are you gonna blog regularly now?? so what is next for Ness?
Well … with my new life and a new start… I figured time for a fresh new blog to celebrate, so this will be my last post here. l don’t want to dwell on my old life and need to focus on the new one… so a new blog!

…. Woah hang on a minute – you mentioned sex in the title?
Umm that I did … you’ll have to read my new blog to find out everything!!

Where’s the new blog at?
You can now find me dutifully blogging at http://itspink.wordpress.com/

With love – Ness x

I have been constantly on the go since early yesterday morning and am more tired than a great big tired thing, but I have a huge smile on my face so it is worth it! I had a friend with a van who had offered to help me move, but he couldn’t give me a time, so I set my alarm for 6am “just incase” so I had time to get up, shower and spend a couple of hours on the last minute packing  like dismantling the kids computers, packing the rest of the clothes, all our bathroom stuff etc etc. We ended up bored and waiting until around 4pm in the afternoon! It was only a few large bits I needed help with the van for … but the waiting was exhausting believe it or not!

The house really does look terrific … I just wish I could post pics but incase anyone I know happens to read this and recognises my house … LOL I need to stay anonymous or I can’t blog honestly… and that is the whole point of this blog!! It already LOOKS like a home and FEELS like a home and I have to say – the kids have been incredible! I am so proud of both of them.

Anyway I am desperately tired and it’s not even quite 10pm! I have been NONSTOP and on the go from early this morning (and we ALL went to bed late last night!!) I’ve learned so much about being a single parent in just 24 hours – but that will be a separate post when I’m not seriously craving my bed and more sleep!!

Most of his close family is spread across a wide area so he’s pretty much doing a round trip over the next week. He’ll be back by Wednesday but I’ve said to him it’s more than fine if he doesn’t want to have them overnight when he gets back (I know he’ll be shattered and want to recover and get used to an empty house), but that they will need to see him, so I told him to call me when he’s home and ready on Weds afternoon and I’ll drop the kids over for a couple of hours, he can feed them and I’ll pick them up after dinner.

He’s then due to have them Friday & Saturday night of next week and I’ll pick them up on Sunday evening.

It will be really REALLY weird that first weekend – they will have been with me solidly in the house for a week (no school – it’s half term) then all of a sudden NOT there. By then the new place really will be like home for the three of us and it will be totally bizarre for them to go back to the “old house” or “dad’s place” as they are calling it now!

Plans for tomorrow …

• Get up EARLY and get us all washed/dressed and do breakfast for the kids.
• Disconnect the kids computers
• Pack up last minute stuff (dirty clothes, toiletries, hairdryer etc)
• Load all of the above into my car
• Wait for my neighbour with the van!

I feel so incredibly lucky that I’ve been able to have the keys for the last couple of weeks otherwise it would be a HUGE job tomorrow that would take forever to have sorted out! As I’ve been able to do it all slowly it already looks like a home and just needs literally mattresses for the kids, my bed and the washing machine – that’s it!

So anyway … my last night in the “old house” … it feels really REALLY weird. I almost half expect STBX to walk through the door and I have to keep reminding myself I am by myself now.

Weird … very weird.

I’ve had some interesting thoughts tonight too that I am not quite ready to share here yet … I don’t know yet if I will … this is way out there even for me!!!

STBX has taken tomorrow off work and he’ll be leaving mid afternoon, away for the entire weekend and then most of next week. The children have an “inset day” at school and then they are on half term …  so that week for me is going to be spent totally focusing on my kids.

I need to be at the new house from 8am in the morning because the Sky engineer is visiting to install the TV and broadband 8am-1pm, and my Tesco online shop is being delivered between 9am-11am. Talk about highly organised! I just hope I can STAY this organised.

The house is looking awesome. I finally got my bedroom curtains today – reserve online from Argos and collect with no fuss. Talk about easy shopping! The house is just so totally ME and I love it. I love just being in my space and enjoying it.

The kids seem fairly well balanced and okay with it too. I thought Son would be the problem – with his ADHD and Aspergers … but actually it’s Daughter and her emotional issues that have been harder to deal with. She is so like me that it breaks my heart. I’ve had a good chat with both of them and they are both handling it so well. I’m proud of them.

Ohh I am so excited …

Plus I talked to AP and he’s been looking online for commercial premises for us to start up from in the new year. It’s all good.

Eeek I mean most people I talk to can barely pay the bills and put food on the tables, let alone luxuries! It’s hardly surprising that my business suffered. I kept one part time employee on for as long as I could, but about 18 months ago I had to let her go and I’ve been doing everything myself. Needless to say with the breakdown of my marriage and the problems I was having “emotionally” – well that combined with the recession meant that my business never really did have a chance – not while I was so stressed and strung out becauseI couldn’t focus.

I WAS offered a way out a while ago … AP – my ex affair partner offered to buy into my business. He was talking a serious potential investment that would pay off a portion of the business debt. In fact AP was a huge help in cutting costs anyway regardless of his “interest” in the business. His interest was always from a business point of view too … he recognised that I have a terrific product, just that I am a completely useless “business woman” and need someone to kick me up the ass! I am also just ONE person and one person’s ideas are never going to be as good as collaborative ideas and bouncing off of other people.

Well anyway – this was before the “divorce” was definitely DEFINITELY happening (pre this blog but in the middle of my OLD blog – now deleted) and there was always a possibility of saving my marriage at that point. I knew damned well that if I took AP’s offer then my marriage truly was over … even though it was over anyway there was always that slim chance. Even though AP and I hadn’t (and haven’t) slept together in ummm around 18 months (although we’ve kissed and flirted) – there was (is) always that sexual chemistry between us too, and to go into business with him at that point would have been the WRONG thing to do. It would have been a short term fix to get me out of a financial hole with the business …but not a long term solution.

I turned him down. I remember that day. It was the day that Ness Stopped Procrastinating And Finally Made The Decision. I told AP I couldn’t take his offer and I told my husband that I knew it was well and truly over. I had done my research and told my husband I was applying for the tax credits, that I’d worked out a budget and as soon as the money came through, I would be moving out with the children.

Phew what a day that was! Anyway …. moving on with the story and the events from today!!!

I have no choice but to close down the premises I am currently “working” from. I have a workshop where the products are made and where the mail order / website is operated from – but I can’t afford it anymore as the website isn’t generating enough income to cover the running costs … and with the divorce and everything else … my head just hasn’t been in trying to make it work *right now*. With the rent, maintenance, utilities and rates, it costs £11.5K per year just for that! That number doesn’t include the website hosting, telephone, broadband, advertising, or the “other insignificant overheads” that all mount up… let alone the cost of basic supplies before I can fill any orders.

I’d had the possibility of moving “modus operandus” to a friend’s garage but that all fell through late last night. I didn’t know what to think or what to do and had a very sleepless night. Without somewhere to work from, I have no business and for SO many reasons I can’t go into, it’s not something I can run from home. 

My business has been my life for the last decade and although it hasn’t always earned me heaps of money, it’s covered costs (till the last couple of years or so) and it has made me happy to do what I love for a living! Anyway, I was in a very depressed mood about having to close completely and “get a job” to still qualify for the working tax credits … well until AP called me this morning. I’d sent him a text letting him know that the business had to close and that I have no choice if I have no premises, and he called to remind me that I DID have a choice and it was all ABOUT making choices.

Needless to say I went straight over there to find out what he was talking about! I can’t do conversations like that over the phone! Basically his offer is still on the table. I THOUGHT I had burned my bridges there – from the business point of view anyway, but he still very much wants in.

Thing is … my mother has offered to pay off my business debts!! I know … I am amazed too! We’re not talking small change either – it’s a fairly significant number. She has recently helped out another family member and is basically offering me the same deal. It’s a little morbid, but when my dad passed away 5 years ago he left her very well set up and totally mortgage free and debt free. He died from a terminal illness and had time to get “his affairs in order” before he passed away. This also in turn means that when my mother passes – my close family members and I will inherit a fair amount. We encourage our mother to spend it and enjoy her life because that is what it is about … but there is plenty “in the kitty” to play with. She has basically offered me a “loan from my inheritance” because it’s one way of her helping us while she is still around (and I PRAY she has MANY MANY years spending our inheritance left yet!!!!) but from a practical point of view (and mother is capable of being practical when prompted and pointed in the right direction!) it also means less inheritance tax payable on any capital when she does topple off this mortal coil!

The point of explaining that is that if my debts are CLEAR for an investor, then instead of a 50/50 buy in with money just to pay off debt … it would be 60/40 (to me of course) with money to actually INVEST into getting the business back up and running instead of paying off some debt and STILL not being at zero! He would also then be paying 40% of the costs of new premises too… and 40% of all overheads.

AP even said today that he has no realistic expectation of a wage from it … to begin with anyway … his cash injection would cover a deposit and rent up front on new smaller premises (my current workshop is WAY bigger than I need) plus a nice sized advertising budget and buying in replacement supplies that have been run down where I’ve not been able to afford to stay on top of it.

See AP is an ideas sort of person (like I am) and he likes to ACT on his ideas (like I do!) What is the point of having an absolutely blinding and wicked idea … if you do nothing with it? (sorry, reference to STBX there who would agree it’s a great idea then do nothing about it!) AP would be a business partner … another head to bounce ideas off, and two heads are always better than one!! AP is a also very VERY logical and business minded person (Aquarian – go figure LOL!) where as I tend to get sidetracked by the pretty glittery stuff and go off on a fluffy floaty tangent!! AP brings me back down to earth without disregarding WHY I floated up there in the beginning (i.e. acknowledges me when I do have a good idea) and without making me feel bad about the lack of “fluffy bits” to the eventual idea!!

He also knows that there is a huge market for men with my products that I haven’t really tapped into yet and he has some terrific ideas for going forward with that. He’s had some awesome ideas for advertising, about local letterbox drops and re-establishing the company as a more up-market scale and promoting wholesale rather than have me standing out there all day at events and exhibitions!!

Other than giving away 40% of my business – and 40% my children’s futures … I really struggle with the downside of bringing AP on board as a business partner.  Oooooooooookay I need to think about this logically. I have to think about the negative aspects - which - as this is ME - will naturally involve bullet points!

• If I go into business with AP then I am tying myself financially to a man I once had a very intense sexual relationship with, who I am still sexually attracted to. The sexual relationship started 2 years ago and lasted for 4 months. We’ve not had *full* sex since then although there has been kissing and definite touching and a whole pile of flirting!!
• I am still sexually VERY attracted to him.
• It would make dating other guys almost impossible in the future
• It ties me to him and gives us a reason to stay in touch (this is a bad thing as well as a good thing!)

But the positives FAR outweigh the negatives… and that is all I can think about. AP also knows that I plan on taking the next couple of months completely off – to relax and chill out with my kids… and that any investment has to WAIT until after the new year. I talk about the kids a LOT when I am around him – he is aware of my son’s ADHD & Aspergers and my daughter’s fragile emotional state … it doesn’t scare him.

I don’t even want to THINK about him from a “relationship” point of view because it can’t happen for so many reasons I can’t go into here, but irrespective of that – our lifestyles are so different. I hate getting up early but HAVE to get up at 7am for the kids – he works from home and rarely rises before 11am and works late through the night. I’m a night owl at heart – but because of my lifestyle I can’t stay up later than midnight or I am impossible in the morning!!

It just wouldn’t work … but a business partner and a fuckbuddy? LOL that could work …

I’ve been a little worried about the amount of cash I’ve been splurging recently on things for the house … but then I reminded myself this is WHY I picked Sat 25th October as a moving date because I will have had three weeks worth of tax credits payments that are “free” and mine to spend on things that I NEED for the house. I NEEDED to buy things to set the house up with!! I signed contracts on an unfurnished house, and have had to start from scratch!

It’s not just furniture … it’s things like an iron & ironing board, household items like shampoo, cleaning products, toothpaste, extra toothbrushes for the new place, mop & bucket, curtains, plates, cutlery … ugh the list is endless! I’ve had to find a fridge, a freezer and just about hopefully found a second hand washing machine!! I still need curtains for my bedroom or I’ll be pegging up a duvet cover at the window at night time!!

Plus, actually I’ve enjoyed spending the money. Buying things for my house is like buying things for ME!! The “old house” … well the vast majority of the “style” in the place came from STBX. He liked dark indian rose wood furniture and an antiqued style to things – I prefer light woods, modern styling and lots of pink and glitter! Hahah! I could go on and on about the differences, but the point is … my new house is MINE!

Okay so I can’t change the carpets or the basic structure of anything – and although I am free to redecorate … it has to be “neutral” as it is a rented place … but everything else that is actually IN that house is my choice and it is there because *I* have put it there!! I have discovered a very definite “style” – MY style as well and that has been a lot of fun.

I spent the day pottering around at the new place, made some calls to confirm the Sky TV and Broadband connection on Friday (the day before we officially move in) … unpacked some boxes that I took with me this morning, hung up some more clothes I’ve taken over and generally grinned at my house a lot!

It IS looking good … and once I’ve got my bed, their mattresses, the wardrobe for my son’s room plus the washing machine and the last odds and sods plus the kids final bits … then it’ll all be done! There really isn’t too much of mine left in this house other than in the loft and in the garage, but STBX and I have agreed those are non-essential things that CAN wait!

Anyway … and appropriately on the subject of what’s for dinner … Sunday STBX likes to cook. He’s an ex chef so it’s in his bones/blood whatever! He also likes to make sure that the children do get at least a couple of proper dinners and SOME vegetables in their diet which is all good as far as I am concerned! He did a roast tonight and when he let me know earlier that he was cooking tonight … I purposely didn’t eat anything at all during the day so that I could have a totally empty belly to eat “proper food” with …

Well there was conversation a little bit later and I don’t even remember how we got onto the subject … STBX was telling me what his weight was – I mentioned I’d lost another pound but that my appetite seemed to have increased over the last few days…

HE SAID YES, HE HAD NOTICED.

So he’s watching me scoffing food now? Does he even know what alarm bells that sets off inside my head??? It says to me I’ll show him – bastard! I won’t be living with him soon and I will show him what a low appetite can do … because I know I DO control my appetite… no really, I do.

Fucker – I won’t even be living with him and STILL he has this frigging control over me and this way of totally altering my perception of myself and snapping my self confidence.  I’ve been feeling so positive lately and he has this way of bringing me right back down.

My appetite HAS increased yes. I put it down to the stress bubbles being popped with every day I get closer to leaving my husband “officially” … but I am keeping a very close eye on the scales and the minute it goes up even by a tiny little pound … well we’ll worry about that if when it happens.

But … I have her measurements! I measure exactly the same as she does … so why I am *I* fat and she is perfect? I look at her and think MAN I would KILL to have her figure … yet I have her exact same measurements!!!

It’s not me being all body dismorphic either … I do have a flabby stomach and stretch marks … Angela Nicole’s figure is perfect and toned and gorgeous. According to her stats she weighs 125 too … 7lbs less than I do – but she is also an inch shorter than me. I have to forgive myself a certain amount as I have given birth to two children and been pregnant four times (yes I lost two babies) and I realise that the stretch marks will NEVER go … but if I can get my stomach as toned as hers? Then I reckon I could even actually be happy with my body.

Blimey did I say that?

So … New Plan to get my 37-27-37 figure MORE like Angela Nicole’s …. EXERCISE MORE!! My new regime will start the day I move into the new house (all my exercise stuff is over there! LOL)

Run 3x a week for at least 10 minutes (building up)
My new house is 5-6 minutes drive from the children’s school … and there is a huge great big park literally by the school. I have NO reason not to take advantage of it go for a run when I have done the morning school run. This part of the plan also involves buying new running shoes because of course I have nothing appropriate! If I start off with a ten minute slow walk/jog around the park and then build up to a faster pace and more laps slowly … this will help to tone ALL parts of my body.

Body Pump
I went to body pump classes at the gym religiously twice a week in the past and got into it to the point that I bought my own bar! For a while I was really good about doing it from home twice a week and saving the money on classes … but I got out of the habit. New plan involves doing a body pump routine at least twice a week in the evenings after the kids have gone to bed. I can download the music tracks to work-out to from YouTube. The full body pump class (Les Mills) works out every single major muscle group.

Kickboxing
I’m actually one belt away from being black-belt although I haven’t trained since February and my fitness is probably way down… but kickboxing was always my method of venting ALL frustrations and taking it out on the kick bags … or my partner in sparring! I was actually shit hot at the point I stopped going, and the only reason I stopped going – was money! Kickboxing classes cost £4.50 a week – it’s in the evening and not a problem to take the kids along as there is a room they can sit in with a book / nintendo DS etc … so IF my budget allows, I want to do at least one class a week or heck even every other week! This will have to be a budget based thing though because the classes do cost money.

Sit-ups and stomach toning
This is the biggie and I have to commit to doing sit-ups every other day, but I can do them before bed no problem. I have no idea how many I should be doing though? I guess I am aiming for around 50 then increasing … any advice there?

So yeah … that’s the new plan … to carry on eating as far as my appetite allows (low fat/low cal/healthy options only) … and to increase my exercise. At the same time I promise myself I will try NOT become obsessed about exercise calories / calories consumed and create weird and wonderful excel spreadsheets to calculate the difference!

Progress in Ness-Ville methinks!

It’s what I love about moving to a new place … a chance to change ALL of the rules – for the kids as well as for me!! I AM going to make this work and I AM going to have “the figure I would kill for” by Christmas.

That is realistic yeah? 8 weeks?

On the upside – appetite hasn’t exactly been an issue!! That’s one benefit of being ill like that! LOL I actually got new batteries for my scales the day I got ill (before it hit) but as it was the middle of the day I’d promised myself I would wait until the next morning to get a “true” reading.

Before I got the yucky nasty bug, my appetite had been returning slowly and I was beginning to be able to eat more and more (I’ve realised it’s all totally related to being closer to moving day – a week today!) and I had assumed that I would be a couple of pounds heavier, but I got on the scales this afternoon (middle of the day) when I was feeling better (after drinking lots and lots of liquids) and I was 132lbs (9 stone 6) on my 5’8″ height … that is exactly the same weight as I was on October 7th (just re-read through back posts to check) which was BEFORE my appetite started to come back.

See part of me says that is 11 days in which I have NOT lost weight and my original plan was to be at my goal of 9 stone/126lbs  by moving day … but unless I literally eat NOTHING for the next week there is no way I can drop 6lbs … or can I???

The other part of me says that as my appetite has increased and I’ve eaten more on a daily basis over the last 11 days that it is actually GOOD to have maintained my weight. I have to keep reminding myself that thin does NOT equal happy – thin is just a bonus of achieving happy.

I took measurements tonight too – my hips haven’t changed but I’ve dropped another inch from my waist since I last measured on 4th October. I am now 37-27-37 which is apparently a perfect hourglass figure … and TBH if it were toned I think I could even learn to love it!

Sooo … that is the next plan … but that’s a whole other post!!