Ness is a pseudonym (yeah no shit sherlock!) born out of a need to disguise myself on the internet and still blog away into absurdity without it affecting my professional life. I have an eating disorder that pretty much rules my life … and is the main content of this blog.
In “brief” …
I listen to an unhealthy amount of music, I am slightly afraid of big hairy spiders and I can never find a pen. Politics bores me and religion doesn’t agree with me. I am a magpie for all things shiny and sparkly and have a fetish for shoes. I am 33, currently living with my soon to be ex husband until the finances are in place for me to move out with the children. I had an affair, my husband forgave me, but ultimately our marriage broke down anyway.
Diagnosis & stuff …
Jeepers where to begin. I thought about bullet points but that wouldn’t really help.
Anxiety
I was first diagnosed with anxiety in November 2006 after “the meltdown” which was a very public breakdown in the middle of the fizzy drinks aisle at Sainsburys. It came about because my then 6 year son (who has ADHD & Aspergers) was throwing a hissy fit that I’d said no to buying something he wanted. He then asked his dad … who said yes okay and put it in the trolley despite what I had said and demonstrating yet again that my husband didn’t listen to me. It spiralled from there and resulted in me quivering on the floor and my daughter (8 at the time) standing there not knowing what to do, and the Sainsburys staff flapping and offering me cups of water until I stopped crying/shaking and composed what dignity I had left to continue the shopping.
Depression
Yeah, I tick all the boxes on the depression score as well, although this diagnosis came later on.
Sleep Issues
I very rarely get a good night’s sleep. I know I have restless nights from the pool of sweat I wake up in despite sleeping next to an open window. I wake up tired every single day.
Physical Vomiting (uncontrollable)
Most mornings I throw up. It is not a conscious thing and I don’t stick my fingers down my throat. It is 100% uncontrollable. I have had blood tests and there is nothing physically wrong with me. I attribute it to stress!
Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS)
This means that you fit MOST of the criteria for either anorexia or bulimia (etc) but don’t quite qualify for a diagnosis. It’s like not being close enough to your death bed to be taken seriously because toI need to not have a period for 3 months in a row and have a BMI of 18.5 or less. I am 5’8″ and worked out I would have to be 120lbs (8 stone 8lbs) therefore my target weight is 126lbs. I currently weigh 138 (27th Sept) after dropping from 174 originally.
So despite the fact that I severely restrict food and have major hang ups about my body, I do NOT have anorexia nervosa.
Anorexia
Yeah see this is where it gets weird. I do not have anorexia nervosa, but I am still anorexic because I have no appetite or no desire to eat food and seriously limit what I eat. When you figure out how that one works, you can tell me because I would love to know.
On Work
I am self employed. I run my own business that is failing to the point of doomed. I am very well known on the internet for what I do, hence why I have a need for anonymity through my blog. With the break down of my marriage and the whole credit crunch & crap economy shit, I plan on downscaling the business once I move out, and taking advantage of the tax credits I am entitled to while I adjust to a new life as a single parent.
On Marriage …
I did love my husband once … and in a way I still love him now, but I also hold him to blame for a lot of my issues, and while that may be true, it is unfair of me to punish him for it for the rest of his life. I need to deal with this by myself and give him the freedom to move on – should he want to! I harbour so much resentment and frustration towards this man that it has ultimately destroyed me and resulted in my eating disorder. He isn’t a bad bloke – he is a good guy … we just weren’t good at being married to each other.
On my affair …
I don’t regret it. AP came into my life at a point where my self confidence was so low … and his was too. I believe that you meet different people for different reasons, and AP was the main thing that kept me going. AP is a blunt and honest person and never EVER made me feel bad about the way I looked. On the contrary he made me feel like the sexiest woman in the world compared to my husband who actually said the words “well you are a bit fat aren’t you” to me on our first wedding anniversary.
On the future…
I plan on getting to 126 by the time I move out from the marital home (plan is mid-November) that’s 6 weeks to lose 12lbs. I can do this. If I DON’T do this by the deadline date, then part of moving will be a new exercise plan to increase the weight loss down to my goal weight. My goal weight that does NOT put me at risk of anything and should mean that I am finally thin.
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