I miss it …

Intimacy I mean and conversation.

That’s what I miss … someone to tell everything to and hold me when I am feeling low. It’s not even a sexual thing, it’s just about being close to another human being and I miss it.

I talked to BF today (my good girlfriend) but our conversation was so brief and we didn’t really get a chance to even touch the surface on what we’ve both been through recently. She broke up with her long term boyfriend recently too and I have been so utterly pre-occupied over the last two weeks that I haven’t had a chance to talk to her about it. I am a crappy friend.

She noticed my weight loss – it was the first time in a while I hadn’t worn overalls to work (what I do is messy – it’s easier) so the baggy overalls had hidden my changing shape. It felt good that someone had noticed.

*sigh* I am in a weird place right now and I’m not entirely sure how I feel. My husband keeps mentioning things like “when you move out I’ll be doing x,y and z to the house” and things along those lines and I do very much feel like a stranger in my own home. I think mentally I’ve moved out … or at least I am starting to. I bought boxes home today to start boxing up things like books, my craft stuff and summer clothes that I definitely won’t need before I move! I didn’t get around to actually boxing anything up, but it was cathartic to bring the big boxes home.

My husband and I are definitely avoiding eachother. He leaves the house at 8am in the morning and it’s kind of arranged that he sorts the kids out first thing when he gets up, and then I take over from 7.45am, so I see him for 15 minutes in the morning. I see him then for maybe half an hour when he gets in from work … and perhaps 2-3 minutes before I go to bed. Conversation is strictly limited to things about the children and what plans either of us have for the next couple of days so that we can conveniently avoid each other further!

I am feeling alone, insecure and confused… I realise that … and because of that I am clinging to the memory of what once was – but it is also what can never be again. I tried so hard with my marriage and at the end of the day I do harbour so many feelings of resentment towards my husband. I blame him for not listening to me. I blame him for ignoring me and using porn and I blame him for the reason why I looked elsewhere.

I blame him for so much, and although there is so much about our marriage that I miss, I know I will never get over that despite the fact that *I* had an affair and ultimately I was the one that broke our marriage vows. We didn’t stand there and say “I promise never to wank to porn” … we said “foresaking all others.”

Shameful isn’t it and trust me I feel shitty for feeling that way. The truth is, if it had been the other way around and my husband had done the things I had done, I would have kicked his ass to the curb a long time ago. I am full of guilt about it too. As a parent you try to teach integrity, honesty and truth, and all the while in the back of your mind is “you had an affair and you told LIES.“ 

I have a lot of soul searching to do before I can get over that one. I KNOW that my marriage is over and that even if we were to try again at this point … then it never could work with even the best therapy in the world. There is just too much water under the bridge and we have both already started to move on.

I can’t ever imagine being intimate with anybody else ever again … in a romantic sense I mean. It’s just not a place that I am in mentally or emotionally and I just need to be by myself for a long – LONG time. The thought of letting somebody close enough to really get to know me – when I don’t truly know myself … *big sigh*

On the upside, I did feel better for going into work for a bit earlier. I didn’t actually achieve much, but I did enough to make myself feel good about accomplishing something for the day.

I ate “properly” today too and I feel okay about it. I weighed myself at night (big mistake) and the scales showed a gain of 3lbs but I know that was only because I was weighing in the evening and I’d *just* had something to eat plus I’d drunk a pile of water and coffee during the day so I KNOW that is the only reason the scales said that.

I had a cucumber sandwich around 2pm and then I ate a filo pastry mushroom thing this evening. It’s the most I have eaten in days. It’s just easier to eat something small in front of someone than avoid talking about why I haven’t eaten.

Taking me for a fool?

I have definitely reached a stage of “acceptance” as far as my marriage is concerned. My husband and I are both beyond yelling, screaming and shouting at each other and are just trying to get on as human beings until “the situation” can change.

The current plan is that as soon as the tax credits award comes through (anywhere up to 5 weeks time), I will move out of the house with the children into rented accomodation as I will be entitled to Housing Benefit … and financially a better option than for my husband to move out. My husband will stay in the house and redecorate it – then it will go on the market and basically he’ll be sitting here waiting for it to sell in a nice comfortable house.

A friend of mine pointed out today that my husband will have a very cushy life while I will be struggling on a fixed income as a single mother and not able to dedicate the time to re-establishing my business because of the childcare issues. My husband will gets to stay in the “Marital Home” and he has already mentioned that he feels I should pay for half of the decorating costs … PLUS husband wants to keep pretty much all of the furniture because “the house will sell better” that way.

I don’t know … maybe I am just a little bitter about it all and part of me wants that fresh start in a completely new place … but as my friend pointed out, if my husband is expecting me to move out so he gets to carry on living here … as well as being weird over furniture … AND expect me to contribute towards decorating costs … isn’t it reasonable of me to expect him to at least make sure the house his children is living in is basically furnished!!! One thing is for sure – we can’t keep living together until it is sold. With the way the housing market is … that could take at LEAST months if not longer… and it just isn’t an option.

Lying about food

I realised I had a serious problem with food and that my lack of appetite had turned into something else when my husband asked me what I wanted for dinner as he was cooking and straight away out of my mouth came “Ohh I had a late lunch so I’m not really hungry. I’ll grab something later.”

It was a lie – I hadn’t eaten anything all day … it was just easier to avoid a confrontation because I genuinely wasn’t hungry at that point, but that is when I knew I had a problem.

Week nights I can make the children their dinner and then he can cook something for himself when he gets in from work. I simply say I will make myself something later. He spends the evening upstairs on his PC and I’m downstairs on my laptop so he then has no clue whether I’ve had anything or not (and I will ALWAYS eat something even if all I feel I can manage is toast) … it’s the way it will be until the tax credits money comes through and we can officially separate.

I think my husband is aware that I have a problem with food, but again avoidance is the easiest method purely to keep the emotion level calm in the house. We’ve been through the shouting, the anger and discussed it all to the death – we’re at a calm level of acceptance right now. It’s easier just not to talk about it – it isn’t his problem anymore.

Once we’re apart I won’t have anything to hide from anyone ever again. A fresh start.