9 days and counting!

My boy has been poorly ALL day so I kept him off school. Seriously this kid doesn’t ever actually stop (he has ADHD & Aspergers) and goes at like 300mph unless he is asleep … or ill … in which case he just STOPS – literally!! Well, right now he is stopped!!! He slept ALL day other than waking up around 3-4 times when he got force fed liquids and liquid paracetamp; (errr tylenol in the US – I think!) and I put him to bed around 8pm. It’s now just gone midnight so he has pretty much slept an entire 24 hours.

 For him to sleep most of the day and barely show interest in food … well you know he isn’t well! STBX was also working from home today, so although I wanted desperately to stay with my poorly little boy … I also had a NEED to get out of the house away from STBX because the atmosphere is truly TRULY awful – we are both literally on countdown until I move out.

Plus I’d had a text from AP. There was something he’d left at my old workshop that he needed (convenient eh) so we arranged to meet there this afternoon. Ohh it was good to see him. I won’t deny that and I had to thoroughly restrain myself did a useless job at restraining myself. He smelled incredible (Cool Water) and looked fabulous (obviously freshly showered & shaved). We weren’t there long as I didn’t want to be away from my son for long, but yes there may have been some kissing involved.

Okay there may have been some groping through jeans and perhaps a little nipple sucking.

We even talked about how I NEED to stay away from relationships for a long time – his response was that you are supposed to be single for half the length of your last relationship to truly get over it. I was with STBX for 12 years in total. Does that mean being single now for six years???

I just laughed and told AP that I still planned on using him for just sex though. He didn’t have many complaints about that! Surprising eh LOL! He also knows that nothing will happen until I have moved house and sorted out my head… and he wants to go to the doctor for a general check-up first anyway. I totally respect that. I actually went to a clinic for a sexual health check after my affair with AP ended and I was okay/clean. I know I haven’t slept with anyone else other than AP and STBX, and to be truthful I don’t think AP has either, but I’m totally ok with his wanting to get checked up first. It’s been a LONG time since he and I were sexual and I respect him for it. It also means that with a clean bill of health for both of us … well it’s kind of a mature way to approach a “friends with benefits” relationship.

We weren’t there long – maybe ten minutes or so … but it was enough to wake up that small insignificant part of me that actually quite likes myself (shameful huh!!) but THAT is what AP does for me that my STBX never did. I was laying on the floor (moved all the chairs out already) while he was nibbling my boobs through my t-shirt and I WASN’T thinking about whether my shirt was riding up and my belly was exposed. I was just lost in the feeling good factor… and ohh it felt good … especially when it wasn’t through a t-shirt … or  a bra …

It felt incredible and this man has the ability to sweep me off my feet sexually, but I needed to stay grounded and get back for my son… so I was very restrained – so was he! LOL

I visited my house for a bit this evening too – LOL I love saying that! I built my desk which will go in the dining room and then just pottered around for a bit. I have developed this habit of laying on the space where my bed will be before I go … and just enjoying the space.

It’s officially gone midnight in the UK which means 9 days till moving day… and it can’t come soon enough!!

My kids & my divorce

I actually am proud to say that I have two VERY well adjusted children. My daughter is 10 (going on 30! VERY grown up for her age) and my son is 8. My son also has ADHD & Aspergers (high functioning autism) so he is a very different kettle of fish from your average child.

My daughter is my mini-me … she looks like me and we are the same star sign. We are so alike that it is scary, and because she is so mature for her age, I kept her “in the loop” from the very start of this. I am from the school of parenting that you should be as honest with your children as possible … but the caveat is that this is based upon their age and understanding at the time. Example … the tooth fairy!! A few years ago my daughter asked me a ton of questions about the tooth fairy and I absolutely answered them based on her age and understanding without telling her a single lie – but without discrediting her belief. Earlier this year my daughter said to me point blank “Mum, is the tooth fairy real or is it you?”

… I was asked a direct question – I gave an honest answer to my ten year old daughter and admitted to her that yes, the tooth fairy was me. These days she just hands over her tooth and I had her the cash but she gets to enjoy keeping the secret from her brother.

Ohhh on the subject of the him and the tooth fairy … OMG … my son has a wobbly tooth at the moment and last night we had this conversation …

SON – I’ve got a wobbly tooth!
ME – Ohhhh cooooooool! Show me!
SON – *wobbles and points*
ME – Wow, that is seriously cool! It won’t be long before that falls out.
SON – *concerned expression on face*
ME – What’s up baby?
SON – *still thinking deeply* How will the tooth fairy know we have moved?
ME – *thinking on feet* Ummm well the tooth fairy will know that your tooth is wobbly at the moment from her special radar, so how about you write her a letter?
SON – AWESOME idea! *very excited about this(
ME – * Fetching pen and paper*
SON – *writes* Dear Tooth Fairy … from 25th October we will be living at XX XXXXX so please update your address book
ME – *trying so hard to stifle the laughter at the “update your address book” and today’s modern world and blah blah blah – That’s absolutely perfect baby!

It’s pinned up by his bed – just incase ….

I have to admit that I am so proud of the pair of them. I KNOW it is going to be so very hard for them to leave their dad behind, but I am focussing on the move as a positive thing and they are being so grown up and handling it so well. The fact that I have the keys already and have been moving bits and pieces in slowly has meant that they have had a chance to get used to the new house as well instead of it being a one off shock on moving day.

I really think that despite the arguments between us (that the children have witnessed some of recently – shame on our parts there) that the way we’ve been able to work this has helped them enormously. They both knew that Mum and Dad were having problems … then they knew that Mum and Dad were thinking about splitting up … then when I found the house we (I) talked to them about moving out and separation, and now gradually I’ve been able to drop in the fact that we are going to be getting divorced.

STBX has done very little of the talking I have to admit …. I’ve been “bad cop” with the kids most of the time and I guess once I finally move out of here that won’t change AT all!

I am going to struggle not to berate him in front of them but the truth is … he IS frigging useless. He is upstairs on his computer most of the time (he admits it is an avoidance thing) and I put our children to bed most nights anyway. He’s been a useless waste of space in my life for way too long now. He has already turned around to me and said that one night a week and every other weekend is fine … but that he may want to go away for a week and wouldn’t be able to have them!!!

So **I** am expected to bend backwards and for it to be okay for him to say he doesn’t want them on his one night per week purely because it suits him? Trust me I will be there for my kids and will support them in seeing their dad as often as they want beyond the basic minimum that we agree through the divorce … but if he says HIS life is more important than his kids and that he can’t have them that one frigging night a week …. then I will be there for them and they will draw their own conclusions on him from that and it won’t be due to me!!

But UGH it is so difficult not to let the children know the REAL truth because it is important that they maintain a healthy positive relationship with their father… and when their father is being a shit … it’s almost impossible but I will NEVER ever say a bad word about him in front of them.

I really and truly have had enough now. I need it to be over.

Changing the rules

Moving to a new house is a fantastic opportunity to get rid of SO MUCH CRAP. I’m talking physical as well as emotional! I have told my children point blank that once we move house, a lot of things will be changing and we will have new rules for all of us including me.

I’m a smoker … hands up in the air and I smoke in my house. Well … NOT in the new house!! I wanted to show willing to the children, so I have told them I will only smoke in the kitchen during the day, or once they are in bed I can smoke in the lounge with the french doors open.

I’ve also promised them I will curb my swearing. They are well adjusted children and they know it is acceptable to swear once you are an adult, but I probably swear more than I need to. I’ve told them I will have a swear box and I will pay £1 (around $2) into it every time I swear in front of them.

They also know that a lot of things will be changing for them too because they will HAVE to. I’ll be on my own with them at least 6 out of 7 nights a week minimum – and plan is they stay with their dad one week night every week as well as every other weekend. I’ve also told him he can see them as OFTEN as he wants to after school/evenings.

I will need them to help me out. They know at this stage that me staying with their dad is not an option and that life is going to be very different for all of us. I am trying to be positive with them (not in front of my husband) about the move and about how great it is going to be and what a wonderful life we will have. I’m not sure who I am trying to convince half the time!

I’ve told them that they can EARN their pocket money daily by doing chores as well as basic things expected of them. Things like homework needs to be done straight away after getting in from school, bedrooms should be tidied up before they go to bed and they’ll both need to help with clearing the table and doing dishes as we won’t have a dishwasher!! There will be a basic daily rate that they can earn, then EXTRA things for top-up pocket money.

They will be able to buy sweets twice a week – once with me and once with their dad and it HAS to be out of their own pocket money. I need to get STBX to agree on this!

For my son it will be extra things like not having any toileting issues (he is 8 and has Aspergers/ADHD) so if he has a toilet accident he will automatically lose computer privelidges for the rest of the day (that is the current rule that won’t change) but he will also lose the right to any extra pocket money for that day.

My daughter is a different kettle of fish and I’m not sure yet what to set her extra to … currently I am thinking making sure her homework is done (she is in yr 6 age 10- son is in yr 4) but I also feel I want to give her some extra responsibility in return for extra money so she can pay for her own mobile phone top-ups.

All this money would come from my husband’s child maintenance anyway … but if she has the extra money to keep her phone topped up, she can text her dad any time she needs to talk to him … and he can call her back (free calls for him through his company mobile) and she can have any private conversations that she needs to have with her dad.

Does that sound reasonable?

Rules I will also attempt to change for myself is to have some kind of breakfast every single morning from the day I move into that house. The children love Actimel yoghurt drinks and I could probably handle one of those. I will also be buying plenty of fruit as my daughter is a fruit-a-holic, and I will eat at LEAST a banana OR another piece of fruit that I really like and enjoy every day as well (peaches, red apples, melon and any berries).

I can’t promise myself to sit down and eat a dinner with them every night as I am simply never ever hungry at 5.30-6pm. If I haven’t eaten anything all day and I DO feel hungry, it’s generally around 8.30pm that I will eat something, but I WILL sit at the table with them and spend at LEAST 10 mins over their dinner with “family” time.

It should work out that they stay with their dad every other weekend, so every other Friday night that they are with me will be “movie night” and they will both get to pick a rented DVD (plotted the cost in my budget excel spreadsheet!!) and we’ll sit there on the sofa in our PJs with popcorn, M&Ms and whatever.

I’ll be changing bedtimes too – we’ve been quite slack on that recently but I think from going forwards once we’ve settled into the new house … it will be bedtime drink & snack at 8pm and lights off by 8.30 – not counting weekends and school holidays, and of course any night they spend with their dad during the week will probably involve a later night purely because of the time that he gets home from work, but that is all things to be discussed.

I need to stop my late nights and start earlier mornings! My husband is an early riser whereas I am a nightowl, so right from when our children were young, I would take care of anything during the night up to around 4am – at which time I would wake him and then I would sleep through until he had to go to work. Currently he gets up around 7am to get breakfast for the children, he makes their packed lunches and gets himself ready for work. I then get up at 7.45am and take over … I make sure the kids are dressed for school, that they have brushed their teeth and check the diary for PE, swimming or anything that they need to take stuff into school for and organise that. I am out of the house by 8.35am but that involves barely looking in the mirror and just throwing on clothes that are around and I always have 5 mins to spare in the playground before they go in as the “marital home” is just around the corner from the school!

I worked out I will need to get up at 7.30am at the latest to get their breakfast, chuck an actimel yoghurt down my neck as my own breakfast – then while they are eating I can jump in the shower. I can run around and get all of the bits and pieces for their day ready and make their packed lunches while they are doing whatever in their bedrooms and meanwhile my hair is drying wrapped up in a towel turban! According to the current pace and clock … I should be yelling at them to get dressed by 8.10am and then have twenty minutes to straighten my hair and put on some mascara at the very least. I then have another five minutes CLEAR to make sure that they both have shoes on and to check for things I have forgotten. I will then have 5 minutes to drive them to school, but the new house is only 4 minutes drive from school … which still gives me an extra whole minute to allow for the traffic lights around the corner from the new place!

Sooo plan is … alarm set for 7am … snooze till 7.10 then snooze again till 7.20 and get up 10 minutes earlier to allow myself time for a cup of coffee!!

Life as a single mother is going to be hard, but I would rather walk away from an unhappy marriage and go through whatever I need to go through … than stay here for any longer than necessary.

The journey begins …

In brief … I am 33 years old and am just coming out of an 11 year marriage with 2 children aged 8 & 10. My marriage broke down a long time ago through lack of communication and no intimacy. We were both to blame. My husband used porn and ignored me sexually for years. I fought back with casual sex encounters and then I had a 4 month affair with a man I continued to see pleutonically after the affair was finished.

My marriage is over but we are still living in the marital home together with the children until my claim for tax credits comes through and I can move out with the children while the house is sold.

In the meantime I have been diagnosed with EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) because I have severe body issues and zero appetite. I am not purposely starving myself or restricting myself consciously  … but as to what goes on in my subconscious mind? Ack well that is what I am here to figure out through my writing.

It is classified as EDNOS because I have lost a serious amount of weight in a short time and I meet all the criteria for being anorexic except for the fact that I am still currently of a “normal” weight for my height and I still have regular periods. Apparently I need to be closer to death and have bones jutting out. I have no desire to eat food and simply don’t ever feel hungry. If I am hungry - I will eat something but it doesn’t take more than a few mouthfuls before I can’t face anymore.

I also suffer from depression and anxiety – all brought on over the last 2-3 years of an unhappy marriage, low self esteem etc and a failing business that I’ve been trying to keep afloat for too long. Ohhh, and if it helps … my 8 year old son has ADHD & Aspergers.

Yeah, I have a full plate.

This blog is meant to be my daily SCREAM about all of the crap that I have in my life as I work my way through all KINDS of issues including but not limited to … LOL …

• Low self esteem & zero self confidence.
• HUGE body / weight issues and a daily battle against the scales.
• An obsession with losing weight as quickly as I can
• Disordered eating (no appetite)
• A diagnosis of EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified)
• Why my husband ignored me in preference to porn.
• What led me to have an affair.
• Dealing with hurt and pain caused to my Husband and extended family.
• Depression & anxiety
• Feelings of inadequacy and a drive to be perfect even though I know I can’t be.
• … and then some!

I have an innate need to WRITE about my daily shit, and although my affair was discovered through a blog, I still HAVE to write it down somewhere so I may as well publish it. Call it cathartic – maybe I get a kick out of feedback & comments … maybe it’s a way of “fitting in” to a world that doesn’t seem to suit me. My old blog has been closed and this new one started. I hide nothing and write everything.

My marriage is over – I have nothing to hide anymore which is why I am writing again. We are both now simply waiting in limbo until I can move out and we can begin our new lives. All I ask is that if you read this and know who I am that you keep it to yourself. Comments / advice all welcome as I take the journey to my emotional recovery and try to work out what the f**k I am doing with my life.