The positive “What If’s” …

I’ve concentrated so much on the negative side of leaving my marriage and moving out on my own with the children. I’ve got so down and depressed about it all, but a comment on a post I made a few days ago about control & happiness has helped me to look at it differently. I’m in much better spirits

The comment from Leftywritey was …

“Let’s do the what ifs, but like this: what if listening to your intuition does give you a more peaceful, happier life? What if something does make you happy, a bunch of wonderful somethings, and in you doing what needed to be done, no matter how hard it was, it changed your life completely?

What if, because of all of those things, the eating disorder was vanquished?

What if you found love with a guy who is there for you, loves you and shows it, would fight for you, understands you and supports you?”

She is so right. I am so SO scared of not being able to cope and feeling lonely, but in my heart I have known for years that my marriage is over. My husband never did try – he never did fight for me and I DESERVE a man who will do that. I don’t doubt for a minute that he loved me more than anything in the world, but I don’t think just love alone is enough. I needed real support.

So let’s look at this positively …

I can’t be any more lonely than I am now – I have been desperately lonely in my marriage for so long – and that is both emotionally and physically. I’ve been neglected and ignored and I now have an opportunity for a completely fresh start – a new beginning and to start completely over. Not many people get that. No more hiding in the shadows – this girl is coming out of her shell and she is going to rock this world!!

I also do NOT need a man – I have a box full of vibrators and I have a pink tool kit :-p

Control & Happiness

I know that being thin will not necessarily make me happy… but what if nothing ever does? What if I am screwing up my life completely? What WILL it take for me to be able to sit here with a smile on my face and think yes, YES my life is OK and I am happy?

I am due to sign the contracts on my new rented house tomorrow – and then move 3 weeks later. I am worried about that too … worried that once I am there in a different house with the children that life still won’t be right and that I still won’t be happy. In fact my life will be a LOT harder as a single parent – why do I think being alone and miserable in the evening will make me happier than being sat here downstairs while my husband ignores me upstairs? At least I have conversation if I bother to go upstairs and seek it out.

Things are so awkward at home … the “small talk” is getting less and less because – well I am leaving and it is almost pointless as it will all stop soon. We may as well both get used to the fact. What upsets me though is that even though I am signing contracts tomorrow … and handing over a wedge of cash that ties me into a contract at the house … that he never ever did put up a fight for me. I’m not going to say anything to him at this stage – if he did bother to make an effort it would only purely be because I had stuck the rocket under him to pull his frigging head out of the sand.

He won’t change – I refuse to live like that – I have no choice.

Will moving house and leaving my marriage make things better or am I setting myself up for an even worse pattern of self destruction as I prove to myself just how independent I am and how well I can do things by myself.

And then there is food too. My husband knows I eat very little but chooses to say nothing. He cooked tonight – asked me what I wanted and then ignored that and served me a huge plate anyway. I ate three large flat grilled mushrooms.

There are so many reasons why I feel unable to eat. I have eaten three frigging grilled mushrooms today (ok the big size ones, but still) yet I am not hungry. I am not physically starving myself and my “choice” not to eat is definitely mental rather than physical.

Found a house!

I hadn’t expected it to happen quite so quickly. I have been looking for precisely TWO days and that has merely consisted of phone calls and emails. This morning I spotted an ad in the paper from a private landlord that sounded ideal. I called and arranged to view it within the hour. It is within budget, has everything I need and is within the area I want to be in.

*deep breath*

As soon as I walked through the door I felt SOOO weird. I haven’t house shopped for myself in … well umm I never have! I lived with my parents then moved in with my ex. When I left my ex boyfriend, I rented a tiny little bedsit for a about 4 months until I met my current husband and then eventually moved in with him. I’ve never been by myself other than those few months and I have always looked at places to live with my husband since then. There has always been someone else to bounce ideas off of.

I felt so very alone as soon as I went through the door!! I don’t even think it would have made a difference if the house was a palace! Ohhh there was nothing WRONG with it … it was perfect in fact! It just felt WEIRD. The space was perfect for me and the kids, it’s in a good location not far from where we are now and as soon as I took my first look, I knew it was a place that I could live in. It’s a good family sized house and will be ideal for us. Downstairs there is a nice size entrance and hallway, and a huge lounge/diner with sliding patio doors that open onto the garden. The garden … yeah see, outdoor space is important to me, but I also don’t want something too “pretty” that will need too much maintenance! This is an outdoor “yard” but there is a grassy area out the front that the kids can play on.

The kitchen is quite small, but nothing smaller than the one I have now! I don’t need to worry about appliances and there is a lil breakfast bar area too, so I have a feeling that this will be a room I will live in. I told the landlady that I was a non smoker, so I will only be smoking in the kitchen with the back door open.

Upstairs … the bathroom is TINY and the shower is over the bath, but there is a separate toilet, and at the end of the day, the size of the bathroom isn’t the most important thing in the world!

The main bedroom – my bedroom – is MASSIVE!!! It’s MUCH bigger than the bedroom I have now, or any other bedroom I have had before and there are fantastic built in wardrobes that have more room than I will ever need for my rapidly shrinking wardrobe and all of my shoes!!! I loved this room!

The second bedroom is lilac and I automatically assumed it would be perfect for my daughter …. it’s actually a nice size double bedroom. The third room is tiny – a very small single room and it’s blue … so very fitting for my son!

I explained the whole situation to the landlady – about the breakdown of the marriage and how we had tried but it hadn’t worked out … that I needed to claim tax credits and housing benefit … and that didn’t scare her off. Even when I mentioned that I had two cats she said it was fine and would just have it put into the contract that if the house is flea infested then I would be responsible for sorting it out! Can’t say fairer than that!

The weird thing is … the landlady lives out of the country most of the time and only actually arrived back last night. I called her at 8.56am when I got back from dropping the kids at school and I was the first phone call she had. I was the first person to look … and she therefore offered me first refusal.

I was a little concerned about taking the first place I had looked at… but I decided that although it wasn’t “perfect” as in a small kitchen and a tiny third bedroom … that houses within my budget in my preferred area come up so few and far between … that really I HAD to make a snap decision.

I was torn between the devil and the deep blue sea! Here was a house that was PERFECT … that suited my every need and that I knew I could live in and be happy in. The price was right … the area was right … and I had to make a choice.

I told her I would take it but that I needed to show my children and have that conversation with them before I signed anything. She understood that, but also made it clear that this was a house that did rent quickly when it was available and that I literally had a few hours to make my decision.

I called my husband. I told him I’d found a place and asked him to come home early so that we could talk to the kids and take them to see it.

It was hard – hard for him I know, but the kids needed him to be there.

My daughter has known what has been going on as I have kept her informed, but it was really about telling our son. I’m a little annoyed that my husband left ME to do all of the talking, but I had assumed that would be the case. He was so upset. He knew that me and his daddy were splitting up and he actually surprised me with his maturity, but he was still really upset. He wants us to stay together and said that all we needed to do was stay away from each other (ie different ends of the sofa) and then we wouldn’t argue.

It broke my heart, it really did. I always knew I would eventually have to have that conversation with my children, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

The timing was right too - telling them just before going to visit the “new house” – literally half an hour before was perfect. They then were able to focus on being excited about the new place and arguing over who gets the biggest bedroom! Co-incidentally I talked my daughter into taking the smaller room knowing that she and I have a very special bond and that I will share my room with her anyway … that perhaps as she has always has the biggest room, that maybe because her brother was struggling with the separation more than she was – that maybe it would be a nice thing for him to have the biggest bedroom.

I have promised her that it will eventually be the funkiest and coolest tiny little bedroom in the world. We’ll sort out some fab hanging storage and tons of glitter! LOL It also made my son happy to know he was getting the big bedroom. It gives him something to look forward to and that will be a big thing for him.

My husband is taking it hard. I knew it would be difficult for him to look around the house and for the reality to finally sink in. He has hardly said a word to me. Part of me wonders whether the reason he is so quiet is because he doesn’t really want this to happen and that same part of me wishes he would just get down on his knees and lay it on the line… tell me how much he loves me and prove to me that he really does give a shit, but even then … he says nothing. The other part of me then hates him for not even bothering to fight for it even at this stage.

Maybe … just maybe … if my husband had fought a little harder for me and our marriage then things could have been different. Even today … even after going to look at that house and telling the children the bottom line … there was always still the option for him to say to me that he loved me and wanted me enough to stand up and fight for us.

The fact that he didn’t … well that speaks volumes. Even after this second set of marriage counselling where I tell him he buries his head — in front of a therapist – and he denies it … yet 24 hours later he is doing precisely what I predicted. Burying his head.

I know my husband. I have known him for 12 years now and I know that he is asleep upstairs regretting everything … but that he never truly will change. Even if I don’t sign the contract on the new house … nothing ever would really and truly change.

Time for a MAJOR subject change. 

I haven’t felt even a little bit hungry today. I forced myself to eat two slices of bread with low fat cheese spread just after I picked the kids up from school and that was purely so that my daughter would see me eating.

After getting back from looking at the house tonight … the kids announced they wanted pizza. We had some frozen ones in the freezer and the oven has three shelves … ie will cook 3 at a time, so of course I did husband and two kids and as soon as theirs were out, I put mine in.

385 calories - that’s all that was in this plain cheese pizza and I couldn’t even manage quite half of it. I worked out my total calorie intake today was less than 400 calories (not counting the wine tonight, but that’s made from grapes and counts as a food group!!)

But I don’t feel hungry!! I tried SO HARD to eat that pizza tonight. 385 calories really is fuck all for an evening meal by anybody’s standards … I just couldn’t put the food into my mouth. I cut it into 6 slices and managed 2.5. Even that was a struggle.

I worry … I do worry that once I am left to my own devices in a new house and not accountable to anybody that my anorexic behaviours and tendencies will become worse. At the same time, I do NOT want to become so painfully thin that I am ill … and that is just one of the many battles I am facing at the moment.

I also worry about money and finances … and one way I can cut down is to simply have less food in the house. I made an Excel spreadsheet (yeah I love my spreadsheets) to work out a weekly and monthly food shopping budget. I worked out and planned the meals for my kids over a two week period, then used the supermarket websites to plan a shopping budget.

I realised that I had worked out and planned a breakfast, lunch and dinner for myself every single day of the week. Fuck I haven’t eaten that much on a daily basis for around 4 months now. Straight away I was able to literally strip my anticipated food budget in half and that still allowed for a dinner every day plus all the food and biscuits / snacks the kids need.

Oh it is scary. I am scared beyond belief. The reality is that in 2-3 weeks time I could be sat in my own house with just me and the kids … god I have never felt more alone in my life.

I miss it …

Intimacy I mean and conversation.

That’s what I miss … someone to tell everything to and hold me when I am feeling low. It’s not even a sexual thing, it’s just about being close to another human being and I miss it.

I talked to BF today (my good girlfriend) but our conversation was so brief and we didn’t really get a chance to even touch the surface on what we’ve both been through recently. She broke up with her long term boyfriend recently too and I have been so utterly pre-occupied over the last two weeks that I haven’t had a chance to talk to her about it. I am a crappy friend.

She noticed my weight loss – it was the first time in a while I hadn’t worn overalls to work (what I do is messy – it’s easier) so the baggy overalls had hidden my changing shape. It felt good that someone had noticed.

*sigh* I am in a weird place right now and I’m not entirely sure how I feel. My husband keeps mentioning things like “when you move out I’ll be doing x,y and z to the house” and things along those lines and I do very much feel like a stranger in my own home. I think mentally I’ve moved out … or at least I am starting to. I bought boxes home today to start boxing up things like books, my craft stuff and summer clothes that I definitely won’t need before I move! I didn’t get around to actually boxing anything up, but it was cathartic to bring the big boxes home.

My husband and I are definitely avoiding eachother. He leaves the house at 8am in the morning and it’s kind of arranged that he sorts the kids out first thing when he gets up, and then I take over from 7.45am, so I see him for 15 minutes in the morning. I see him then for maybe half an hour when he gets in from work … and perhaps 2-3 minutes before I go to bed. Conversation is strictly limited to things about the children and what plans either of us have for the next couple of days so that we can conveniently avoid each other further!

I am feeling alone, insecure and confused… I realise that … and because of that I am clinging to the memory of what once was – but it is also what can never be again. I tried so hard with my marriage and at the end of the day I do harbour so many feelings of resentment towards my husband. I blame him for not listening to me. I blame him for ignoring me and using porn and I blame him for the reason why I looked elsewhere.

I blame him for so much, and although there is so much about our marriage that I miss, I know I will never get over that despite the fact that *I* had an affair and ultimately I was the one that broke our marriage vows. We didn’t stand there and say “I promise never to wank to porn” … we said “foresaking all others.”

Shameful isn’t it and trust me I feel shitty for feeling that way. The truth is, if it had been the other way around and my husband had done the things I had done, I would have kicked his ass to the curb a long time ago. I am full of guilt about it too. As a parent you try to teach integrity, honesty and truth, and all the while in the back of your mind is “you had an affair and you told LIES.“ 

I have a lot of soul searching to do before I can get over that one. I KNOW that my marriage is over and that even if we were to try again at this point … then it never could work with even the best therapy in the world. There is just too much water under the bridge and we have both already started to move on.

I can’t ever imagine being intimate with anybody else ever again … in a romantic sense I mean. It’s just not a place that I am in mentally or emotionally and I just need to be by myself for a long – LONG time. The thought of letting somebody close enough to really get to know me – when I don’t truly know myself … *big sigh*

On the upside, I did feel better for going into work for a bit earlier. I didn’t actually achieve much, but I did enough to make myself feel good about accomplishing something for the day.

I ate “properly” today too and I feel okay about it. I weighed myself at night (big mistake) and the scales showed a gain of 3lbs but I know that was only because I was weighing in the evening and I’d *just* had something to eat plus I’d drunk a pile of water and coffee during the day so I KNOW that is the only reason the scales said that.

I had a cucumber sandwich around 2pm and then I ate a filo pastry mushroom thing this evening. It’s the most I have eaten in days. It’s just easier to eat something small in front of someone than avoid talking about why I haven’t eaten.