Bruises – LOTS of them

I noticed last night when I had a shower that I had a lot of bruises on my legs and I counted over 40 small bruises on both legs. Tonight … I got changed into my PJs and looked at my body in my full length mirror and was horrified. I look AWFUL. I am covered in what is probably hundreds of small bruises all over my body and it’s SO nasty to look at. I hate my body anyway, but seeing it so covered in bruises just makes it look even uglier.

There ARE some possible explanations … I am fair haired and fair skinned. My complexion has meant I have always bruised easily, plus I’ve been up to the new house a LOT today with heavy furniture & heavy boxes and have probably banged myself several times, but even so, this is a LOT of bruises over my entire body and there is now MORE than 40 on my legs but I lost count.

I had a look online for unexplained bruising and came across information about how a lack of body fat under the skin doesn’t give the same protection when you get knocked or banged. Apparently bruising is a physical symptom of anorexia.

Does this mean that to be thin I need to suffer with bruising and wrap myself up in cotton wool???? I have lost 44lbs and am finally at a point where I am around 11lbs from being “technically underweight” … and therefore a currently “healthy” body weight, and although I still have a lot of weight to lose and then lots more flabby skin to tone up … I am happier with my body now than I was before … but I have to suffer with bruises in order to be thinner?

How the fuck does that work? How is that FAIR?

Signed & Sealed

Been over to the new house today to sign the contracts and hand over my deposit and rent in advance. I needed my mother and my husband to be guarantors as I’ll be claiming housing benefit, so they both came with me.

The kids showed her around the house while I sorted out the paperwork, then when she came downstairs I asked her if she thought the place was okay. She said yes, but just wished it all wasn’t happening – and that is pretty much all she said to me. I feel like I have had NO emotional support from my mother whatsoever. She gets on well with my husband and I know she sees it like I am tearing the family apart because she has told me as much! She didn’t even comment on my weight loss (I haven’t seen her in about 3 weeks as we’ve both been busy) and that upset me. If people I see regularly have noticed the latest drop in weight, then for my own MOTHER to not say anything? She battles with her weight as well, and in the past when I’ve phoned her to tell her I’ve lost a few pounds, her response is “Ahhh shut up” because she hasn’t lost anything etc.

My husband … well he stood there staring out of the window with a face like a wet weekend and saying NOTHING . I could tell HE wished it all wasn’t happening … but even at the point we drove over there to sign the contracts … he didn’t turn around to me and say “Ness, let’s give it just one more shot.” He has just been swept along for the ride in all of this and never ever tried to change the direction.

When we got back from the house, he was in a foul mood and stamped around the house yelling at the youngest for something insignificant. I said “If you had something to say to me then you really should have said it before now.” He replied “And what would have been the point? You would have done it anyway.”

Would I? I can’t answer what would have been because you can’t speculate on things unless you are in that situation! You can make a guestimate at how you will respond, but other than that? It’s all hearsay. The other thing with my husband is that he doesn’t ever say what he means, but he also doesn’t mean what he says half the time either. I can’t live like that.

Example – when we went to the marriage counsellor a couple of years ago and he said he was completely over my affair (that was the point that the sexual side had stopped between me and AP) but admitted a few weeks ago that he never was, he just hadn’t wanted to talk about it. Prime example of not saying what he means in an attempt to move on (i.e. bury his head and ignore it.) Example – our first wedding anniversary where he said “well you are a bit fat aren’t you.” He didn’t MEAN that! He didn’t plan or set out to hurt my feelings! He’d been drunk and it just “came out”. Prime example of not meaning what he says and expecting forgiveness because “he didn’t mean it.”

I can’t live like that. I am 33 years old and far too young to be living a life that makes me so miserable and unhappy. I’ve told him so many times and it only ever makes a difference for such a short amount of time. I have been like a scratched CD doomed to replay that last bit over and over and OVER again.

Nope, I’m not going to do it! I’m not going to mope around and be miserable just to keep my family together and make my kids happy. My children don’t want their family split up – I realise that, but I also realise that THEY WILL BE OKAY!! Especially when their mother proves her indepenance to the world herself and figures out how to finally turn off that frigging self destruct button!

I’m going to damned well get out there and make my new house the best home for me and the kids. I am going to make the most of my life and my surroundings and find out what it takes to TRULY make me happy, and I realise that the only way to do that and to recover as a person and as an individual is to do that by myself.

I truly hope that he does too. Much as there is a lot that has gone on between us, I don’t want him to be miserable or unhappy either! I want him to discover his own life and do the things he has always wanted to do as well. I think he also has a lot of soul searching to do, and maybe being forced into a single life will make him reasses himself as well.

On the upside, I ate several food groups today! My husband is a very good cook and decided a few days ago that sunday evening would be a roast dinner. He asked me if it was worth asking me what I wanted and I said that a “proper” meal cooked for me would probably be a good thing. He did roast potatoes, broccoli, carrots and beef. I’m vegetarian so I obviously didn’t eat any of the beef, but I did manage two roast potatoes and a whole piece of broccoli. That was like two food groups in one sitting. Amazing.

I then had dessert too. Yes truly. I ate a portion (albeit a very small one) of calorie laden cheesecake and a couple of spoonfuls of ice cream too.

That’s probably more in one sitting than I’ve had all week. Almost weird isn’t it …

I also didn’t throw up this morning! For anybody who is not familiar, for the past 18 months or so I have been uncontrollably sick in the morning. NOT pregnant and had blood tests to prove I am perfectly healthy and nothing physically wrong with me. Doctor puts it down to stress.

It just struck me as ironic that the DAY I sign the contracts on my new house and my new life … I don’t throw up and I sit down to a proper dinner AND pudding! Ok so the portion size probably wouldn’t have filled up a mouse, but it was progress for me!

I do still want to lose weight … I still desperately want to lose another 8-9lbs and I know then that is my rock bottom healthy weight and I will NOT sink further or lower than that. My new life will be a chance to change ALL of the rules.

Control & Happiness

I know that being thin will not necessarily make me happy… but what if nothing ever does? What if I am screwing up my life completely? What WILL it take for me to be able to sit here with a smile on my face and think yes, YES my life is OK and I am happy?

I am due to sign the contracts on my new rented house tomorrow – and then move 3 weeks later. I am worried about that too … worried that once I am there in a different house with the children that life still won’t be right and that I still won’t be happy. In fact my life will be a LOT harder as a single parent – why do I think being alone and miserable in the evening will make me happier than being sat here downstairs while my husband ignores me upstairs? At least I have conversation if I bother to go upstairs and seek it out.

Things are so awkward at home … the “small talk” is getting less and less because – well I am leaving and it is almost pointless as it will all stop soon. We may as well both get used to the fact. What upsets me though is that even though I am signing contracts tomorrow … and handing over a wedge of cash that ties me into a contract at the house … that he never ever did put up a fight for me. I’m not going to say anything to him at this stage – if he did bother to make an effort it would only purely be because I had stuck the rocket under him to pull his frigging head out of the sand.

He won’t change – I refuse to live like that – I have no choice.

Will moving house and leaving my marriage make things better or am I setting myself up for an even worse pattern of self destruction as I prove to myself just how independent I am and how well I can do things by myself.

And then there is food too. My husband knows I eat very little but chooses to say nothing. He cooked tonight – asked me what I wanted and then ignored that and served me a huge plate anyway. I ate three large flat grilled mushrooms.

There are so many reasons why I feel unable to eat. I have eaten three frigging grilled mushrooms today (ok the big size ones, but still) yet I am not hungry. I am not physically starving myself and my “choice” not to eat is definitely mental rather than physical.

My eating disorder is getting worse …

I weighed myself today … HAH that sounds funny. I weigh myself like a million times a day so I don’t know what made me start a post with that. Well, anyway I noticed that the scales have been dropping again after standstill for 4 days. I have lost 42lbs in total and I now weigh 134lbs (9 stone 8lbs / just under 61kg) – I am 5’8″ tall for those that care.

I have been very aware that what originally started as weight loss has rapidly turned into very restrictive eating. It began when I started to be very picky about the foods that I would eat and I had a very bland and basic diet with very little flavour. It also started with a simple “loss of appetite” – I wasn’t eating as much. I was also telling myself that because I did eat when I felt hungry (which wasn’t often) that everything was okay. It wasn’t – it isn’t. It’s so far from fucking okay that I don’t know what to do.

The trouble is, I don’t know what I can do about it because I am not hungry. I feel full up and bloated and it would be like asking someone to eat a 5 course meal and THEN have cheese & crackers with coffee afterwards and maybe some mint chocolate wafers if there is room! I have no desire to eat and no appetite. Food and meals that I used to love and look forward to, I can barely stomach a mouthful of because I don’t ever actually feel hungry. I eat food purely to exist.

I have eaten three quarters of a slice of toast with low fat spread on it today. I only ate that because I realised I hadn’t had anything at all and I knew I should have SOMETHING. I made two slices and couldn’t even manage the whole of one slice!

See, when I think about people “starving themselves” I always imagined rumbling bellies and the “hungry monster” saying FEED ME, but although I realise I am technically starving my body … how can I be starving and not hungry? Just one of my daily battles / issues.

My original starting weight (which wasn’t actually my heaviest) was 176lbs, and then on the 28th July I weighed myself and made a note of my weight and measurements. That was the day I was sitting cross legged on the sofa looking at my bulging fat stomach and hideous body and decided to do something about it. That was the point the ED which had been laying dormant kicked in and reared it’s ugly head. It was only ever meant to be about losing some weight and watching what I ate. It was never meant to turn into uncontrollable anorexic behaviours.

Anyway, the measurements … I was 176lbs at my recorded heaviest ….

28th JULY ’08
11 stone 4 / 158lbs
Waist – 32″
Hips – 44″
BMI – 24.02

TODAY
9 stone 8lbs /134lbs
Waist – 28″
Hips – 37″
BMI – 20.2

I have lost 24lbs – almost 2 stone in the 3 months since I made a note of my weight and measurements on July 28th, and I’ve lost 42lbs in total  -but even that doesn’t count my heaviest, so you can probably add another 10lbs to my total loss. At my heaviest I have no idea what I weighed as I didn’t own scales then (probably didn’t want to know!!), but I remember shopping for a summer dress and buying a UK size 18 (US 14). I was never that heavy for long and then settled around a UK size 14-16 (US 10-12) within the top limits of the “normal” boundaries.

I’ve also dropped 4″ from my waist and 7″ from my hips. I have been through my wardrobe throwing stuff away so many times over the last few months! I now own that I can wear on my bottom half …

My “new size 12 jeans” (which are already loose on the waist)
A pair of Gap size 12 brown jeans
White loose leg draw string trousers size 14

 Yeah .. that’s it. I basically wear my jeans or my Gap brown ones and alternate them in the wash. The white draw string ones look ridiculous on me unless I wear a long top. I have plenty of tops, but I literally have nothing else for the bottom!! I bought the Gap brown jeans from eBay a while ago when I started losing weight so I would have something to wear when I got where I originally wanted to be. When I got them I couldn’t even get them over my hips … then after a while I could slide them over my hips but there was no way they were getting zipped up … then they almost got zipped up … then they fitted perfectly … now they are a little loose around the waist.

According to measurement crap thingies I looked up tonight I am now officially a UK 10-12 (US 6-8) and I am hanging on for that elusive UK size 8 but I think hope I will be happy at a UK 10.

I was overweight for so many years, then I sat at the very top end of the “healthy” weight range for such a long time. With regards to where I am now … well that depends on which website you ask!! I am around 10lbs away from being at the top end of underweight. My current goal is to lose another 9lbs to get to 125. This will give me a BMI of 19 and be at the top end of underweight for my height … but still have a healthy BMI.

People are now really noticing the weight loss and I’m getting comments like … “You look great but you really don’t want to lose any more.” WTF is that supposed to mean? I was too fat and now I am too thin? It’s like all the while you exist within the boundaries of being normal to slightly overweight that you get ignored and overlooked … then when you lose 42lbs and nearly dip into the “underweight” catagory – that all of a sudden people open their eyes to you and feel a need to comment on how you look!

 What worries me … and REALLY worries me is that I am losing weight as a side effect of simply not being hungry. I know I have an issue with my weight and with food … and the doctor diagnosed me with EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified)

I want to lose another 9lbs to get to my goal weight of 125 (8 stone 13) which is still within the boundaries of “normal” for my 5’8″ height … but I am also only 12lbs away from a BMI of 18.5 and 3 missed periods away from going from EDNOS with anorexic bahaviours to diagnosable anorexia nervosa. This is not something I am striving for! Trust me I don’t want to be noticed… I want to disappear into the crowds with my head down and just get on with my life. I want to be thin and slim – yes, but not to the detriment of my physical health (it’s ok I know my emotional health is screwed!!!)

I look at pictures of skin and bones “anorexics” and I do NOT want to look like that. I want to get rid of the flab from my stomach and my hips & thighs. Funnily enough my arse is shaping up okay!! It is SO weird for me to say that because I have hated my bum for years … but with the inches I have lost from my hips, it has made a phenomenal difference, and even with my blindsightedness … even *I* can see that my arse isn’t anywhere near as big as it used to be!

I am SO WORRIED about so many things …

I worry that …

• I am losing too much weight but haven’t lost enough weight at the same time.
• If I lose more than the 9lbs I want to lose to get to my target of 125 or don’t start eating “normally” at that point, then I will be 3 missed periods away from diagnosable anorexia nervosa and that scares me.
• When I reach 125lbs (8 stone 13) I will still feel the need to lose more.
• If I reach 125lbs and am happy with my weight, that I will get fat by eating normally.
• I will never eat normally again.
• That my “self destructive” behaviours will carry on even after I’ve moved out and I won’t have my husband as an excuse.
• I am making a mistake by finally ending the marriage and leaving despite how bad it has got, and that nobody will love me as much as my husband does did.
• That I will never be able to trust anybody in the future. I had an affair – how can I be sure that it will never happen to me? How can I be sure that nobody will cheat on me … and from the other side, how can I reassure someone else that I will never ever EVER do anything like that again and it was purely because my marriage was so awful and my self esteem was so low that I was unfaithful.
• That for whatever reason, the tax credits and the fact I have a business (that doesn’t generate profit currently) will mean I won’t qualify for housing benefit and I will have to move out of my new house and possibly move in with my mother. I have two months rent in advance – in cash to give to the landlady which should easily cover the period till the housing benefit award comes in … and I’ve worked out a way to cover half of the rent myself each month by scrimping and saving … so as long as housing benefit cover HALF of it … I will be okay, but I still worry.
• My son has ADHD & Aspergers. I worry that he won’t be able to cope with the changes and that he will resent me.

Ugh I have so many demons.

Found a house!

I hadn’t expected it to happen quite so quickly. I have been looking for precisely TWO days and that has merely consisted of phone calls and emails. This morning I spotted an ad in the paper from a private landlord that sounded ideal. I called and arranged to view it within the hour. It is within budget, has everything I need and is within the area I want to be in.

*deep breath*

As soon as I walked through the door I felt SOOO weird. I haven’t house shopped for myself in … well umm I never have! I lived with my parents then moved in with my ex. When I left my ex boyfriend, I rented a tiny little bedsit for a about 4 months until I met my current husband and then eventually moved in with him. I’ve never been by myself other than those few months and I have always looked at places to live with my husband since then. There has always been someone else to bounce ideas off of.

I felt so very alone as soon as I went through the door!! I don’t even think it would have made a difference if the house was a palace! Ohhh there was nothing WRONG with it … it was perfect in fact! It just felt WEIRD. The space was perfect for me and the kids, it’s in a good location not far from where we are now and as soon as I took my first look, I knew it was a place that I could live in. It’s a good family sized house and will be ideal for us. Downstairs there is a nice size entrance and hallway, and a huge lounge/diner with sliding patio doors that open onto the garden. The garden … yeah see, outdoor space is important to me, but I also don’t want something too “pretty” that will need too much maintenance! This is an outdoor “yard” but there is a grassy area out the front that the kids can play on.

The kitchen is quite small, but nothing smaller than the one I have now! I don’t need to worry about appliances and there is a lil breakfast bar area too, so I have a feeling that this will be a room I will live in. I told the landlady that I was a non smoker, so I will only be smoking in the kitchen with the back door open.

Upstairs … the bathroom is TINY and the shower is over the bath, but there is a separate toilet, and at the end of the day, the size of the bathroom isn’t the most important thing in the world!

The main bedroom – my bedroom – is MASSIVE!!! It’s MUCH bigger than the bedroom I have now, or any other bedroom I have had before and there are fantastic built in wardrobes that have more room than I will ever need for my rapidly shrinking wardrobe and all of my shoes!!! I loved this room!

The second bedroom is lilac and I automatically assumed it would be perfect for my daughter …. it’s actually a nice size double bedroom. The third room is tiny – a very small single room and it’s blue … so very fitting for my son!

I explained the whole situation to the landlady – about the breakdown of the marriage and how we had tried but it hadn’t worked out … that I needed to claim tax credits and housing benefit … and that didn’t scare her off. Even when I mentioned that I had two cats she said it was fine and would just have it put into the contract that if the house is flea infested then I would be responsible for sorting it out! Can’t say fairer than that!

The weird thing is … the landlady lives out of the country most of the time and only actually arrived back last night. I called her at 8.56am when I got back from dropping the kids at school and I was the first phone call she had. I was the first person to look … and she therefore offered me first refusal.

I was a little concerned about taking the first place I had looked at… but I decided that although it wasn’t “perfect” as in a small kitchen and a tiny third bedroom … that houses within my budget in my preferred area come up so few and far between … that really I HAD to make a snap decision.

I was torn between the devil and the deep blue sea! Here was a house that was PERFECT … that suited my every need and that I knew I could live in and be happy in. The price was right … the area was right … and I had to make a choice.

I told her I would take it but that I needed to show my children and have that conversation with them before I signed anything. She understood that, but also made it clear that this was a house that did rent quickly when it was available and that I literally had a few hours to make my decision.

I called my husband. I told him I’d found a place and asked him to come home early so that we could talk to the kids and take them to see it.

It was hard – hard for him I know, but the kids needed him to be there.

My daughter has known what has been going on as I have kept her informed, but it was really about telling our son. I’m a little annoyed that my husband left ME to do all of the talking, but I had assumed that would be the case. He was so upset. He knew that me and his daddy were splitting up and he actually surprised me with his maturity, but he was still really upset. He wants us to stay together and said that all we needed to do was stay away from each other (ie different ends of the sofa) and then we wouldn’t argue.

It broke my heart, it really did. I always knew I would eventually have to have that conversation with my children, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

The timing was right too - telling them just before going to visit the “new house” – literally half an hour before was perfect. They then were able to focus on being excited about the new place and arguing over who gets the biggest bedroom! Co-incidentally I talked my daughter into taking the smaller room knowing that she and I have a very special bond and that I will share my room with her anyway … that perhaps as she has always has the biggest room, that maybe because her brother was struggling with the separation more than she was – that maybe it would be a nice thing for him to have the biggest bedroom.

I have promised her that it will eventually be the funkiest and coolest tiny little bedroom in the world. We’ll sort out some fab hanging storage and tons of glitter! LOL It also made my son happy to know he was getting the big bedroom. It gives him something to look forward to and that will be a big thing for him.

My husband is taking it hard. I knew it would be difficult for him to look around the house and for the reality to finally sink in. He has hardly said a word to me. Part of me wonders whether the reason he is so quiet is because he doesn’t really want this to happen and that same part of me wishes he would just get down on his knees and lay it on the line… tell me how much he loves me and prove to me that he really does give a shit, but even then … he says nothing. The other part of me then hates him for not even bothering to fight for it even at this stage.

Maybe … just maybe … if my husband had fought a little harder for me and our marriage then things could have been different. Even today … even after going to look at that house and telling the children the bottom line … there was always still the option for him to say to me that he loved me and wanted me enough to stand up and fight for us.

The fact that he didn’t … well that speaks volumes. Even after this second set of marriage counselling where I tell him he buries his head — in front of a therapist – and he denies it … yet 24 hours later he is doing precisely what I predicted. Burying his head.

I know my husband. I have known him for 12 years now and I know that he is asleep upstairs regretting everything … but that he never truly will change. Even if I don’t sign the contract on the new house … nothing ever would really and truly change.

Time for a MAJOR subject change. 

I haven’t felt even a little bit hungry today. I forced myself to eat two slices of bread with low fat cheese spread just after I picked the kids up from school and that was purely so that my daughter would see me eating.

After getting back from looking at the house tonight … the kids announced they wanted pizza. We had some frozen ones in the freezer and the oven has three shelves … ie will cook 3 at a time, so of course I did husband and two kids and as soon as theirs were out, I put mine in.

385 calories - that’s all that was in this plain cheese pizza and I couldn’t even manage quite half of it. I worked out my total calorie intake today was less than 400 calories (not counting the wine tonight, but that’s made from grapes and counts as a food group!!)

But I don’t feel hungry!! I tried SO HARD to eat that pizza tonight. 385 calories really is fuck all for an evening meal by anybody’s standards … I just couldn’t put the food into my mouth. I cut it into 6 slices and managed 2.5. Even that was a struggle.

I worry … I do worry that once I am left to my own devices in a new house and not accountable to anybody that my anorexic behaviours and tendencies will become worse. At the same time, I do NOT want to become so painfully thin that I am ill … and that is just one of the many battles I am facing at the moment.

I also worry about money and finances … and one way I can cut down is to simply have less food in the house. I made an Excel spreadsheet (yeah I love my spreadsheets) to work out a weekly and monthly food shopping budget. I worked out and planned the meals for my kids over a two week period, then used the supermarket websites to plan a shopping budget.

I realised that I had worked out and planned a breakfast, lunch and dinner for myself every single day of the week. Fuck I haven’t eaten that much on a daily basis for around 4 months now. Straight away I was able to literally strip my anticipated food budget in half and that still allowed for a dinner every day plus all the food and biscuits / snacks the kids need.

Oh it is scary. I am scared beyond belief. The reality is that in 2-3 weeks time I could be sat in my own house with just me and the kids … god I have never felt more alone in my life.

My self destruct button

Marriage counselling aside … I have other things going on in my head today that I need to get out on “paper” but I needed to make a separate post about the therapy appointment as it was important.

Okay … I posted yesterday about how the scales had finally dropped another 2lbs, so there I am this morning in the bathroom jumping up and down like a crazy woman (read naked crazy woman) going utterly ballistic because the scales showed a pound GAIN today. I ate half a frigging sandwich yesterday (wholemeal bread, no butter, just low fat cream cheese and half a tomato) and I already knew as soon as the numbers showed up that I would eat nothing and limit my liquid to just water today. That would mean just half a sandwich in 2 days and if that doesn’t get the frigging scales to move then nothing will.

I know I shouldn’t weigh myself every day and obsessively track every frigging detail in excel (I have a very pretty colour coded spreadsheet that I designed to track my weight, measurements and BMI) because I KNOW that it fluctuates. I KNOW I should weigh once a week and measure every 2-3 weeks … but that doesn’t stop me doing it daily, and when it comes to the scales … *sigh* ok, I weigh myself at least 6 times a day as a minimum.

Weighing involves stripping completely naked and removing all jewellery because it all counts. I even realised that if I am weighing myself while I have my period, then I need to remove the tampon because the extra weight of a frigging TAMPON makes a difference. Well it does – everything weighs SOMETHING!!

It was around 4pm this afternoon that I stripped naked in the bathroom and weighed myself yet again. It occurred to me that the thought in my head was definitely a self destruct one – which was ironic after what the therapist had said earlier about my self destruct button and how I punish myself so severely.

Well anyway, the thought I had was … “I am going to weigh myself again to see if I can eat anything.” Like magically starving myself for a day and a half will suddenly magically make me drop 10lbs.

I had dropped 8oz so I “allowed myself” to eat scrambled eggs on toast. I used 2 eggs in the microwave so that there was no fat, and used low fat spread on two slices of toast. I ate exactly half. I know it was exactly half because I spooned out the eggs onto the toast so that it was utterly precise. I knew I would only eat half of it and I HATE WASTE … it just seems to be one of the “things” I have developed, one of my “rules” if you like … that provided I am eating something diet or low fat, and I only eat half of it – then I will lose weight and won’t gain any more.

I KNOW it is wrong. I KNOW it is. The thing is … it doesn’t help. I am an INTELLIGENT woman! I have 13 GCSEs (yes 13 – I went back and did more) and 4 A-levels. I am not stupid. I understand what I am doing to myself. I understand how fucked up it will make my body and I have blogging friends who are so so SO beyond where I want to be with regards to anorexia and being so ill and who are now on the road to recovery … yet here I am on this self destruct journey that I know I control … but daily I am starting to see that it is beginning to control me.

How can I even THINK about being so painfully thin and ill and underweight when I am STILL SO FAT?

The thing is – and this is what scares me … I am beginning to LIKE living with an eating disorder. It almost gives me a reason to feel special even though very few people know the actual extent of it. I like the way that I can’t control a lot of things in my life right now … but one thing I CAN control is my decision to make myself happy with my body by losing weight and being thinner, even though I KNOW from reading blogs like Lola’s that being thin does not necessarily equate to being happy … but when you are still fat it’s hard to believe that truly and deeply… even when you WANT your friends to recover and be healthy and how it really boosts your mood to read about how WELL they are doing in recovery.

I am a UK size 12 (US size 8) which is apparently a very healthy and “normal” weight to be, so I keep telling myself that I am FINE … that it is OKAY because people don’t look at me and see somebody struggling with anorexia … they see someone who has lost weight and is looking good. When I talk about being fat – people look at me with a quizzical expression on their faces as if to say “but you aren’t fat” … and no, I am not as fat as I used to be – I’ve lost 38lbs – almost 3 stone (17kg) but I am still fat.

I stayed out of the house after the therapy appointment today for as long as possible (avoidance), and I knew that by coming home around 5pm that I would be walking into a house full of cooking smells (my husband worked from home today so he cooked dinner for the children) and as soon as I walked through the door, he announced that he hadn’t bothered cooking anything for me because it wasn’t worth it and didn’t want to waste food.

My husband knows about my eating disorder because err he lives with me and also because I wrote him a long email a few days ago describing exactly what I was going through and why I blamed him for a lot of it. I laid it on the line and said his comment to me on our first wedding anniversary was what really kicked it off … (“well you are a bit fat aren’t you”) and even in therapy today when she was talking to me about my ED and trying to help me figure out where it started … I had to admit that before I met my husband, I had a big bum but I had never had any self confidence or body issues.

So back to tonight … I KNEW he wouldn’t have cooked for me but why did he feel the need to make such a big deal of it? He’s known for a long time that I have food / eating “issues” and even after I told him about it … he never did want to talk to me about it.

I also find it SO HARD to eat in front of him. I have issues with HIM and I have issues with FOOD, so to put the two together … well let’s just say pull pin and stand well back. I hate how he watches me take every mouthful and rolls his eyes when I put my knife and fork down on my plate after two mouthfuls. I just stopped eating in front of him. It was just easier. I usually do the kids their dinner early … he sorts himself out when he gets home from work, and I tell the kids I will eat later. It’s weekends and days he works from home that I am caused such anguish with having to try to force food down my throat in front of my children.

It’s not even the children … it’s my daughter. She is ten years old and just entering puberty so her body is changing and developing and she is aware of boys, fashion, peer pressure and her body. I catch her prodding her belly every now and again and it scares the crap out of me that she has noticed my weight loss, noticed my lack of eating and put two and two together. I do NOT want her to go through this, but I also know I am A HEALTHY WEIGHT and not currently at any risk of any danger and I am so DESPERATE to drop another 10lbs or so. I try to make sure my daughter sees me eat and I talk to her a lot about how she has a very healthy diet – she has a lot of fruit & veg and the right amount of naughty stuff for a balanced diet. She also gets plenty of exercise through school and her clubs and I need to keep her focussed on THAT not me.

I think I am doing a good job. She is very grown up for her ten years and I try to treat her like a grown up – just without all of the details. She needs to know that I trust and respect her … because to get respect you have to give it. She’s a good kid and dealing with the marriage breakdown very well. Her younger brother on the other hand is a whole other kettle of fish for a whole other post.

Ugh there is just so much going on in my head. Part of me is wondering even now that if my husband had stopped looking at porn the first time I asked him to … whether we would still be here and whether *I* would be here with my eating disorder. I need to make it clear I don’t actually have an ISSUE with porn when it’s used in a “healthy” relationship … but ours was definitely NOT healthy and he was ignoring me in favour of porn. That’s different.

Then again, if it HAD made a difference, I’d be a lot fatter by now (or at least 38lbs heavier), so maybe this was just meant to be.

I watched a little bit of Lorraine Kelly on TV this morning. I don’t usually watch that and am usually out of the house, but I was taking my time. I caught the end of an interview LK was doing with a recovered anorexic and LK mentioned how if you are going through things like this, then to check the GMTV website for positive information. I looked it up and was HORRIFIED!!! Alongside these very VERY basic articles were adverts from sponsors … about LOSING WEIGHT?!?!?!?!

What does an anorexic REALLY need to see when they are thinking about recovery and positive input? Yeah, they REALLY need to see adverts for Weight Watchers. They would have done better sticking an ad for new cars up there … at least then we could sit here and read their crappy articles and have new car lust instead of new thin lust.

Grrrr pissed me off … sent them a narky email. Never heard back — funny that!

It’s a fine line isn’t it .. my “healthy” weight and my “healthy” BMI of 20 means I do not qualify for a diagnosis of anorexia nervosa, although according to my doctor, I have anorexic behaviours and issues around food and eating. Nope, I am plain ole EDNOS – “eating disorder not otherwise specified” and what makes it worse??? Periods … yeah periods … our ole monthly friend. To qualify for the diagnosis, you need to have missed at least three in a row

My last period finished 3 weeks ago … my current period started just under a week ago… I had just two weeks in between! What the fuck sort of sense does that make? Is it my body’s way of fighting back saying nooo we’re happy being EDNOS till you are thin enough? How does that justify giving me two in a month?!?!

Finally lost more weight!!

The scales shifted this morning. I have finally dropped another 2lbs after being on a plateu for 3 agonising days.

I’ve now lost a total of 38lbs which is almost 3 stone (or 17kg depending on how you look at it) and it’s a bizarre feeling, because part of me feels brilliant about the loss, but the other part of me can see so clearly in the mirror the bits that still need fixing. I still feel incredibly insecure (read that as FAT) yet I am happier than I have been in a LONG time. It is SO hard not to equate getting thinner with being happier… especially when on the day that the scales drop again … I find out I can finally end my marriage and get out of here.

I’ve gone from the “slightly overweight” bracket through to bang slap in the middle of “average” and I am now hovering nicely at “just under normal” and although I am happy, it’s not enough … I know it’s not enough. I don’t think I will ever be happy until I am just inside the boundary for “normal weight” for my height and even then I worry that it won’t be enough.

I have a blogging friend Lola who writes “Marine Snow” who I have SO MUCH respect for. This woman is amazing and I have only known her through the web for a couple of weeks and it started purely because she commented on my blog… which led me to read hers – religiously!! Lola IS anorexic and IS seriously underweight. She doesn’t post her weight for trigger purposes, but she has written in her blog about how she is now smaller than a UK size 6 … or pretty much the equivalent to a US size zero. Lola has recognised in herself the fact that she has problems and issues with food and eating - and she is now starting her own recovery. Although I hate to read about how miserable and unhappy she is … it DOES help ME to know that being so thin doesn’t make her happy… and it is people like Lola who will hopefully be my own inspiration when I hit my target weight to stop me from going down the dangerous low weight level and somehow find a place where I am happy with my weight.

So back to the “fat” stuff meanwhile! LOL I still have such a flabby stomach and wobbly thighs, and that isn’t distorted perception .. I CAN actually grab it now and know I can safely lose 10-11lbs more, so I am going to start upping my exercise to try to tone up those bits. Childbirth and stretch marks GRRRRRRRRR. It is going to take a LOT before that has gone.

Still, I’m amazed at the results in just 3 months since I made food and eating a very very conscious choice. I know I’m not doing it the right way. I know restricting myself is a bad bad thing to do - I don’t know – maybe it’s psychological just never feeling hungry, but the results have spoken for themselves. I have always promised myself through this that no matter WHAT I will eat if I am hungry. I do NOT want to end up skin and bones because I have always thought that is unattractive … it’s just that elusive UK size 8 (US size 4) that I strive to be and want to be.

Not losing weight quick enough

So what do you do when you are an intelligent woman who KNOWS that if she starves herself she will end up in need of hospitalisation and lose custody of her children not to mention the slope to actual real physical death? What do you do when the scales haven’t shifted in 3 days and you are still 12lbs away from your goal weight?

You know that your goal weight still gives you a healthy BMI and stops you from having an “anorexia nervosa” diagnosis instead of plain ole EDNOS, and you don’t strive to be skin and bones, yet the scales just aren’t moving and you are so frigging FAT AND UGLY.

What do you do?

YOU EAT!

Yes of course you do. It has to be the only time in life that you actually strive to be a loser, and apparently I can’t even win at that.

I actually felt hungry earlier in the afternoon around 2pm and decided to make a sandwich. I use Hovis seeded nutty bread – carbs are bad, but this has protein too and as a vegetarian I need the extra protein. I put a light base of low fat philly spread on it … and then packed it with cucumber and lettuce. I had JUST started making it when my husband decided to start spraying this special paint onto the ceiling to cover up the leak we’d had fixed. The pain fumes overwhelmed me and the little spray bits floated down onto my food.

So I lost my appetite. Husband then hassles me about the fact that I obviously WAS hungry or I wouldn’t have started making a sandwich and purely to avoid an argument I go finish making it and sit there and eat it in front of him. I broke it all off into tiny little bites. It took me forever to eat and each chunk felt nasty as it went down my throat.

It is so HARD TO EAT IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. Especially my husband (because he hassles me) and especially my children … then especially my 10 year old daughter who I want to grow up with a confident body image!!

Husband then decides he’s going to cook a BBQ and always goes way OTT on food. I tell him I would just like some garlic mushrooms and grilled peppers. He rolls his eyes. I end up eating that PLUS two bread rolls.

No wonder the scales haven’t changed, and I bet a million that I’ll have gained in the morning.

Clothes shopping with an eating disorder

It is so weird to wear something that actually fits me. I like it … no, really I do. I like the way that these new jeans hug my figure, show off my shrinking body and frame my backside. I like the way they are tight and I can see the gap at the top of my legs.

Okay that is all a lie – except for the bit about the gap at the top of my legs. I do REALLY like that.

I DO like the jeans though – hell for £25 I’d better do – I don’t exactly have money to waste … and I’ve had a lot of positive compliments on how good I looked wearing them today which has helped with the self confidence thing, but UGH I have to admit I miss my baggy clothes. Wearing clothes that almost fall off of me make me feel so much thinner.

These jeans fit perfectly, and if my clothes fit me perfectly then I need to lose more weight so that they are baggy so that it is visually obvious that I have lost weight. Although they do fit “perfectly” I look so FAT in them. I am also not yet the size that I thought/hoped I would be by now.

Going shopping was always going to be a strange experience … not reaching for the larger sizes but at the same time not being entirely sure what size I was … and knowing that no matter WHAT size I ended up buying, it would never be small enough.

I took a UK14, a UK12 and a UK10 into the dressing room. Before my eating disorder bit me on the behind, I was a very unhappy and FAT size 14-16.

I tried on the large size first and immediately felt fabulous. I didn’t even bother doing them up because it wouldn’t have been worth it – they would have fallen off anyway.

I wanted so so so so desperately to fit into the size 10, but I didn’t even try them on in the end. I knew that it would just upset me if they ended up being too tight because then I really WOULD feel fat to try to button it up over a muffin top blobby stretch marked stomach and I am not that thin yet.

Instead … I confidently (yeah I know – weird!) tried on the UK12 and they fitted. Actually they are a little large around the waist band, but they are stretch denim, and the fact that they are a little big gives me the boost to my ego that I need.

A UK size 12 is apparently perfect! Can you believe that? It’s the ideal figure for UK women (well, the ones I’ve spoken to anyway and ones who don’t have eating disorders). If you are size 12 then you are officially something that others are jealous of.

I don’t give a frigging monkey’s left armpit what other people consider perfect and ideal. I couldn’t give a hoot if people are jealous of MY body because *I* hate and detest it and am working on changing it. It isn’t about what the rest of the world think … it’s my life and my issue. My problem – period.

The calm after the storm

Ohh I drank a LOT last night. I was so very ANGRY with my husband for everything because I realised that so many of my body issues and the way that I feel NOW go back years and years … and I blame him. He has said some really cruel things to me without meaning to or intending to hurt me at the time, and I have come to realise that some of those things have caused my deep seated anxieties, the issues around my weight and my whole self confidence problem.

** Is that a control thing? It’s easier to blame someone else for my eating disorder than myself?

The funny thing is … I had such a blindingly good day today considering the night I had and the GUILT that I felt over eating that bit of pizza last night. Ohh and I justified that to myself today by only having a sandwich, so I HAVE eaten, but I’ve also compensated for a pizza yesterday. 

Funny, I don’t ever count my alcohol calories … it’s like they are the only necessary food group that I have!

I wore my “comfortable knickers” today. One of the only pairs of underwear I have that still fit me!! (I SO need to go SHOPPING!) from M&S (UK chain store) and they are the black seamless stretchy lycra kind. Not exactly “sexy” but not entirely “unsexy” either, but they ARE the most comfy knickers in the world … Just had to mention that as it’s kinda relevant to what happened later …

I saw AP (my affair partner) today. I haven’t seen him for a couple of weeks since my husband found out that I was still friends with him. Incase you haven’t read my back posts or don’t know the story, I had an affair that started around September 2006 … it lasted around 4-5 months and eventually ended up as a pleutonic friendship when the sexual side dropped off. I haven’t had sex with AP since the affair ended at the start of 2007 although we’ve stayed friends and always been a bit flirty since then. AP always did boost my self confidence – it’s why I fell into an affair with him in the first place. 

There never was anything “romantic” with AP and I never did have any illusions about a life with him if I ever did leave my husband. We were two people who met – who had a need for each other in our respective lives at that time. I wasn’t the only one dealing with self esteem issues either – AP went through a lot of shit with his ex girlfriend… but at the end of the day we always did talk about how there never really was a future for us – it’s why it developed into a friends thing.

The sexual side ended between us because ultimately he wants to settle down and be part of a family … and I was a married woman who represented the things he could never have. But … we’ve always carried on our friendship and a kind of flirting – we’ve always been attracted to each other and I’ve always let him. I guess it’s the self confidence thing… but damnit I always did find him so f***ing attractive!

Anyway, AP didn’t DIDN’T comment on my weight today or hassle me about how much I had eaten. He just asked me if I was okay, then asked me if I was sure … and then he kissed me.

AP’s kisses are something else. They draw me out of whatever world I may be daydreaming into and no matter how much I battle against the thoughts inside me telling me not to kiss him back … I can’t help it. If you have ever been kissed the way you WANT to be kissed, then you know what I am talking about.

Soft at first … gentle and ohh so tender, but with a passion you know is just waiting to get started. Slowly it builds and you both feel it as the desire rises and you feel those fantastic warm glowy feelings that start at your tingly toes and work all the way up and then float right out of the top of your head.

Yeah … it felt good, and for the FIRST time in weeks I actually had a smile on my face!

Nothing happened … well other than a whole lot of kissing … AP has his own “body issues” that he deals with … he has a lump on his groin area – nothing to worry about and nothing infectious – purely a cyst … but he feels uncomfortable and doesn’t want it “seen” or be sexual until he has had a chance to get to the doctor about removing it. .

If anyone understands body issues and not feeling sexual because of the way you look … then I do!

The funny thing is … and this goes back to my comfy knickers that I mentioned earlier … it has been a pure co-incidence that whenever I have worn this particular pair … AP and I have ended up being flirty with each other and I’d mentioned that to him before. He spotted what I was wearing and laughed, telling me I was even wearing my “I’m gonna get horny” underwear! The mad thing is – these are such comfy NON sexual knickers! LOL

I have felt as sexual as a slug until so recently (err today!) Even when my husband and I had drunken sex the other night … I didn’t really feel sexual – that was more of a simple biological urge!! AP just wakes up things inside of me that have been buried for so long – and he makes me feel GOOD.

AP said to me today that the sparkle was back in my eyes again and that it was nice to see. Hell, It was nice to feel.