Divorce, eating, new house, …ohh and sex!

Thought that would get your attention – it’s all true! Ya know this is the strangest thing – my stress levels are LOWER!! I’m doing more and under MORE pressure … but yet happier than ever before …

So are you gonna blog regularly now?? so what is next for Ness?
Well … with my new life and a new start… I figured time for a fresh new blog to celebrate, so this will be my last post here. l don’t want to dwell on my old life and need to focus on the new one… so a new blog!

…. Woah hang on a minute – you mentioned sex in the title?
Umm that I did … you’ll have to read my new blog to find out everything!!

Where’s the new blog at?
You can now find me dutifully blogging at http://itspink.wordpress.com/

With love – Ness x

Interesting turn of events

It’s gone from the bizarre to the totally unexpected today! Where do I start! I’ve not talked much about my business mainly because I can’t give away what I do for a living as it would make it very obvious who I am. I’m fairly well known online for what I do. What I WILL say is that I manufacture (make by hand) things that would be considered “lifestyle luxuries” and definitely not essentials, so my business relies on people wanting to spend money on luxuries.

Eeek I mean most people I talk to can barely pay the bills and put food on the tables, let alone luxuries! It’s hardly surprising that my business suffered. I kept one part time employee on for as long as I could, but about 18 months ago I had to let her go and I’ve been doing everything myself. Needless to say with the breakdown of my marriage and the problems I was having “emotionally” – well that combined with the recession meant that my business never really did have a chance – not while I was so stressed and strung out becauseI couldn’t focus.

I WAS offered a way out a while ago … AP – my ex affair partner offered to buy into my business. He was talking a serious potential investment that would pay off a portion of the business debt. In fact AP was a huge help in cutting costs anyway regardless of his “interest” in the business. His interest was always from a business point of view too … he recognised that I have a terrific product, just that I am a completely useless “business woman” and need someone to kick me up the ass! I am also just ONE person and one person’s ideas are never going to be as good as collaborative ideas and bouncing off of other people.

Well anyway – this was before the “divorce” was definitely DEFINITELY happening (pre this blog but in the middle of my OLD blog – now deleted) and there was always a possibility of saving my marriage at that point. I knew damned well that if I took AP’s offer then my marriage truly was over … even though it was over anyway there was always that slim chance. Even though AP and I hadn’t (and haven’t) slept together in ummm around 18 months (although we’ve kissed and flirted) – there was (is) always that sexual chemistry between us too, and to go into business with him at that point would have been the WRONG thing to do. It would have been a short term fix to get me out of a financial hole with the business …but not a long term solution.

I turned him down. I remember that day. It was the day that Ness Stopped Procrastinating And Finally Made The Decision. I told AP I couldn’t take his offer and I told my husband that I knew it was well and truly over. I had done my research and told my husband I was applying for the tax credits, that I’d worked out a budget and as soon as the money came through, I would be moving out with the children.

Phew what a day that was! Anyway …. moving on with the story and the events from today!!!

I have no choice but to close down the premises I am currently “working” from. I have a workshop where the products are made and where the mail order / website is operated from – but I can’t afford it anymore as the website isn’t generating enough income to cover the running costs … and with the divorce and everything else … my head just hasn’t been in trying to make it work *right now*. With the rent, maintenance, utilities and rates, it costs £11.5K per year just for that! That number doesn’t include the website hosting, telephone, broadband, advertising, or the “other insignificant overheads” that all mount up… let alone the cost of basic supplies before I can fill any orders.

I’d had the possibility of moving “modus operandus” to a friend’s garage but that all fell through late last night. I didn’t know what to think or what to do and had a very sleepless night. Without somewhere to work from, I have no business and for SO many reasons I can’t go into, it’s not something I can run from home. 

My business has been my life for the last decade and although it hasn’t always earned me heaps of money, it’s covered costs (till the last couple of years or so) and it has made me happy to do what I love for a living! Anyway, I was in a very depressed mood about having to close completely and “get a job” to still qualify for the working tax credits … well until AP called me this morning. I’d sent him a text letting him know that the business had to close and that I have no choice if I have no premises, and he called to remind me that I DID have a choice and it was all ABOUT making choices.

Needless to say I went straight over there to find out what he was talking about! I can’t do conversations like that over the phone! Basically his offer is still on the table. I THOUGHT I had burned my bridges there – from the business point of view anyway, but he still very much wants in.

Thing is … my mother has offered to pay off my business debts!! I know … I am amazed too! We’re not talking small change either – it’s a fairly significant number. She has recently helped out another family member and is basically offering me the same deal. It’s a little morbid, but when my dad passed away 5 years ago he left her very well set up and totally mortgage free and debt free. He died from a terminal illness and had time to get “his affairs in order” before he passed away. This also in turn means that when my mother passes – my close family members and I will inherit a fair amount. We encourage our mother to spend it and enjoy her life because that is what it is about … but there is plenty “in the kitty” to play with. She has basically offered me a “loan from my inheritance” because it’s one way of her helping us while she is still around (and I PRAY she has MANY MANY years spending our inheritance left yet!!!!) but from a practical point of view (and mother is capable of being practical when prompted and pointed in the right direction!) it also means less inheritance tax payable on any capital when she does topple off this mortal coil!

The point of explaining that is that if my debts are CLEAR for an investor, then instead of a 50/50 buy in with money just to pay off debt … it would be 60/40 (to me of course) with money to actually INVEST into getting the business back up and running instead of paying off some debt and STILL not being at zero! He would also then be paying 40% of the costs of new premises too… and 40% of all overheads.

AP even said today that he has no realistic expectation of a wage from it … to begin with anyway … his cash injection would cover a deposit and rent up front on new smaller premises (my current workshop is WAY bigger than I need) plus a nice sized advertising budget and buying in replacement supplies that have been run down where I’ve not been able to afford to stay on top of it.

See AP is an ideas sort of person (like I am) and he likes to ACT on his ideas (like I do!) What is the point of having an absolutely blinding and wicked idea … if you do nothing with it? (sorry, reference to STBX there who would agree it’s a great idea then do nothing about it!) AP would be a business partner … another head to bounce ideas off, and two heads are always better than one!! AP is a also very VERY logical and business minded person (Aquarian – go figure LOL!) where as I tend to get sidetracked by the pretty glittery stuff and go off on a fluffy floaty tangent!! AP brings me back down to earth without disregarding WHY I floated up there in the beginning (i.e. acknowledges me when I do have a good idea) and without making me feel bad about the lack of “fluffy bits” to the eventual idea!!

He also knows that there is a huge market for men with my products that I haven’t really tapped into yet and he has some terrific ideas for going forward with that. He’s had some awesome ideas for advertising, about local letterbox drops and re-establishing the company as a more up-market scale and promoting wholesale rather than have me standing out there all day at events and exhibitions!!

Other than giving away 40% of my business – and 40% my children’s futures … I really struggle with the downside of bringing AP on board as a business partner.  Oooooooooookay I need to think about this logically. I have to think about the negative aspects - which - as this is ME - will naturally involve bullet points!

• If I go into business with AP then I am tying myself financially to a man I once had a very intense sexual relationship with, who I am still sexually attracted to. The sexual relationship started 2 years ago and lasted for 4 months. We’ve not had *full* sex since then although there has been kissing and definite touching and a whole pile of flirting!!
• I am still sexually VERY attracted to him.
• It would make dating other guys almost impossible in the future
• It ties me to him and gives us a reason to stay in touch (this is a bad thing as well as a good thing!)

But the positives FAR outweigh the negatives… and that is all I can think about. AP also knows that I plan on taking the next couple of months completely off – to relax and chill out with my kids… and that any investment has to WAIT until after the new year. I talk about the kids a LOT when I am around him – he is aware of my son’s ADHD & Aspergers and my daughter’s fragile emotional state … it doesn’t scare him.

I don’t even want to THINK about him from a “relationship” point of view because it can’t happen for so many reasons I can’t go into here, but irrespective of that – our lifestyles are so different. I hate getting up early but HAVE to get up at 7am for the kids – he works from home and rarely rises before 11am and works late through the night. I’m a night owl at heart – but because of my lifestyle I can’t stay up later than midnight or I am impossible in the morning!!

It just wouldn’t work … but a business partner and a fuckbuddy? LOL that could work …

9 days and counting!

My boy has been poorly ALL day so I kept him off school. Seriously this kid doesn’t ever actually stop (he has ADHD & Aspergers) and goes at like 300mph unless he is asleep … or ill … in which case he just STOPS – literally!! Well, right now he is stopped!!! He slept ALL day other than waking up around 3-4 times when he got force fed liquids and liquid paracetamp; (errr tylenol in the US – I think!) and I put him to bed around 8pm. It’s now just gone midnight so he has pretty much slept an entire 24 hours.

 For him to sleep most of the day and barely show interest in food … well you know he isn’t well! STBX was also working from home today, so although I wanted desperately to stay with my poorly little boy … I also had a NEED to get out of the house away from STBX because the atmosphere is truly TRULY awful – we are both literally on countdown until I move out.

Plus I’d had a text from AP. There was something he’d left at my old workshop that he needed (convenient eh) so we arranged to meet there this afternoon. Ohh it was good to see him. I won’t deny that and I had to thoroughly restrain myself did a useless job at restraining myself. He smelled incredible (Cool Water) and looked fabulous (obviously freshly showered & shaved). We weren’t there long as I didn’t want to be away from my son for long, but yes there may have been some kissing involved.

Okay there may have been some groping through jeans and perhaps a little nipple sucking.

We even talked about how I NEED to stay away from relationships for a long time – his response was that you are supposed to be single for half the length of your last relationship to truly get over it. I was with STBX for 12 years in total. Does that mean being single now for six years???

I just laughed and told AP that I still planned on using him for just sex though. He didn’t have many complaints about that! Surprising eh LOL! He also knows that nothing will happen until I have moved house and sorted out my head… and he wants to go to the doctor for a general check-up first anyway. I totally respect that. I actually went to a clinic for a sexual health check after my affair with AP ended and I was okay/clean. I know I haven’t slept with anyone else other than AP and STBX, and to be truthful I don’t think AP has either, but I’m totally ok with his wanting to get checked up first. It’s been a LONG time since he and I were sexual and I respect him for it. It also means that with a clean bill of health for both of us … well it’s kind of a mature way to approach a “friends with benefits” relationship.

We weren’t there long – maybe ten minutes or so … but it was enough to wake up that small insignificant part of me that actually quite likes myself (shameful huh!!) but THAT is what AP does for me that my STBX never did. I was laying on the floor (moved all the chairs out already) while he was nibbling my boobs through my t-shirt and I WASN’T thinking about whether my shirt was riding up and my belly was exposed. I was just lost in the feeling good factor… and ohh it felt good … especially when it wasn’t through a t-shirt … or  a bra …

It felt incredible and this man has the ability to sweep me off my feet sexually, but I needed to stay grounded and get back for my son… so I was very restrained – so was he! LOL

I visited my house for a bit this evening too – LOL I love saying that! I built my desk which will go in the dining room and then just pottered around for a bit. I have developed this habit of laying on the space where my bed will be before I go … and just enjoying the space.

It’s officially gone midnight in the UK which means 9 days till moving day… and it can’t come soon enough!!

Thoughts on my affair …

I regret breaking my marriage vows and hurting my husband by being even emotionally intimate with another man, let alone having a sexual relationship with someone else while I was married …

But do I regret what I learned about myself through my affair? Hell no with bells on!!

AP (affair partner) taught me so much about my sexuality and about asking for the things I wanted and needed sexually. These were all things that my husband simply refused to talk about and that left me so frustrated and rejected. In return, AP was a man who had also been dealt blows to his self confidence by his ex, and between us we built each other back up again. AP had never had a woman who felt so open and relaxed with him … and I’d never had a man so totally focussed on MY needs. It was a sexual match made in heaven and to be honest it was a case of right place, right time. We met – we were attracted to each other and we filled a void that was missing in each other’s lives.

The thing is – the sexual side dropped off after a few months, and AP and I became good friends. I was dealing with all of the hassle of a failing business as well as my marriage problems, bringing up children … ohh plus I was MARRIED with CHILDREN and represented all of the things AP (a single guy my age) wanted – but could never have (ie a family) while he was seeing me. He on the other hand works from home with major stress, had his mother staying with him when her place got sold under her, so being intimate was out of the question anyway! We just got on well as human beings and although he has “guy friends” and I have “girl friends” … I don’t know … there was just something that kept us in touch with each other.

AP and I TALK. I’m sometimes scared to tell him stuff because I know he will give me an honest answer, but that is what I respect about him and precisely WHY I tell him stuff! He makes me think about my decisions and choices instead of just merely nodding and agreeing that it is a good idea. He is also so INSANELY logical and IS always right. That irritates the crap out of me because I like to be right too! AP is Aquarius and could literally be a poster boy for the definition!

We both agreed a long time ago (we met just over 2 years ago and our sexual affair lasted about 4 months) that a “relationship” was out of the question because we were just too different. I can’t go into the reasons publicly but that we were both attracted to each other and that both couldn’t imagine a life without the other in it.

We kind of also agreed recently that “fuck-buddies” would be a good way to term it because I am going to be single … he is single … and there would be absolutely nothing to stop us enjoying a little bit of errr “fun” because damnit I have to admit, AP is the BEST sex I ever had!

I NEED to stay single! I NEED to not be in a “relationship” and sort my head out, work out what I want & need from my life … but can I handle it and separate the sex from the emotion with AP without convincing myself it is anything other than just sex? I certainly couldn’t the last time my husband and I slept together. Maybe AP is different … because of our past sexual history and lack of “relationship” … maybe it could work.

Grrrr I don’t know. I like this guy a lot – on a physical level as well as a basic level, but he also drives me nuts on so many levels too!! Sometimes I really can see us together in the future, but other times I worry he would bore the crap out of me … then reality kicks in and reminds me that I need to spend at LEAST SIX MONTHS in single-dom so it is irrelevant anyway!

Maybe that’s a good thing … we already know all of each other’s faults … we’re definitely physically attracted to each other … and he knows I come with a heck of a lot of baggage… and we are still here anyway! Maybe that is what scares me about him? Maybe he knows me too well? Maybe I need to completely start from scratch!

At any rate … AP knows I need to be single for a long time … and that is the way it’s going to be. As I have said before I have my own pink toolbox and a stash of vibrators … I’ll be fine!!

No, really … I will!

Swooped off my feet

I saw AP this afternoon and he picked me up – ummm literally! He bent down, put one arm between my legs and the other on my waist and swooped me up, spun me around in the air and put me back down again! I have NEVER been light enough to have a guy pick me up and spin me around!!

I hadn’t expected to see him today especially with how truly awful I looked with my big red puffy swollen eyes. He’s seen me at my complete worst several times now and it doesn’t seem to scare him off. It was pretty obvious that I had been crying, so of course he asked. I hadn’t wanted to tell him because even though AP and I aren’t in a “relationship” – we have been intimate and talking to him about being rejected by my husband … well not a conversation I wanted to have with AP.

So I skirted around that part, but I talked to him about the empty raw pain in the pit of my belly – about how low I had been feeling and about how I knew more than ever that moving on and moving forward was the best thing I could do. AP’s last relationship was a pretty bad break-up so I know he understands that part.

AP – You’ve definitely lost weight. If you lose much more I’ll have to take you to get a bum implant. Where HAS your bum gone?
ME – Just another 12lbs, it’s all I want to lose now.

He came behind me and grabbed my bum saying “Ohh there it is” … it did make me feel good. I was wearing the new jeans again. Worth every fucking penny with the self confidence I’ve had from them. They are still 2 sizes bigger than I need to be, but every pound off is worth a million.

I’m in a weird place with AP … see I don’t want to swap one needy emotional relationship for another, but I can’t help the way he makes me feel – no, I LOVE the way he makes me feel and I’m not stupid. I know we wouldn’t work as a proper couple and that I’m not in love with him… but in the meantime we are sexually attracted to each other and he is so good to flirt with … is it so BAD??

I came home and was actually hungry and I made a sandwich – just low fat cheese spread on wholemeal bread with some sliced tomatoes. Funny really … my husband puts me off my food. I lose all appetite around him, but after seeing AP and having my confidence boosted, I ate CARBS and didn’t feel like the world was about to end!!

It was good … being literally picked up as well as emotionally picked up.

The calm after the storm

Ohh I drank a LOT last night. I was so very ANGRY with my husband for everything because I realised that so many of my body issues and the way that I feel NOW go back years and years … and I blame him. He has said some really cruel things to me without meaning to or intending to hurt me at the time, and I have come to realise that some of those things have caused my deep seated anxieties, the issues around my weight and my whole self confidence problem.

** Is that a control thing? It’s easier to blame someone else for my eating disorder than myself?

The funny thing is … I had such a blindingly good day today considering the night I had and the GUILT that I felt over eating that bit of pizza last night. Ohh and I justified that to myself today by only having a sandwich, so I HAVE eaten, but I’ve also compensated for a pizza yesterday. 

Funny, I don’t ever count my alcohol calories … it’s like they are the only necessary food group that I have!

I wore my “comfortable knickers” today. One of the only pairs of underwear I have that still fit me!! (I SO need to go SHOPPING!) from M&S (UK chain store) and they are the black seamless stretchy lycra kind. Not exactly “sexy” but not entirely “unsexy” either, but they ARE the most comfy knickers in the world … Just had to mention that as it’s kinda relevant to what happened later …

I saw AP (my affair partner) today. I haven’t seen him for a couple of weeks since my husband found out that I was still friends with him. Incase you haven’t read my back posts or don’t know the story, I had an affair that started around September 2006 … it lasted around 4-5 months and eventually ended up as a pleutonic friendship when the sexual side dropped off. I haven’t had sex with AP since the affair ended at the start of 2007 although we’ve stayed friends and always been a bit flirty since then. AP always did boost my self confidence – it’s why I fell into an affair with him in the first place. 

There never was anything “romantic” with AP and I never did have any illusions about a life with him if I ever did leave my husband. We were two people who met – who had a need for each other in our respective lives at that time. I wasn’t the only one dealing with self esteem issues either – AP went through a lot of shit with his ex girlfriend… but at the end of the day we always did talk about how there never really was a future for us – it’s why it developed into a friends thing.

The sexual side ended between us because ultimately he wants to settle down and be part of a family … and I was a married woman who represented the things he could never have. But … we’ve always carried on our friendship and a kind of flirting – we’ve always been attracted to each other and I’ve always let him. I guess it’s the self confidence thing… but damnit I always did find him so f***ing attractive!

Anyway, AP didn’t DIDN’T comment on my weight today or hassle me about how much I had eaten. He just asked me if I was okay, then asked me if I was sure … and then he kissed me.

AP’s kisses are something else. They draw me out of whatever world I may be daydreaming into and no matter how much I battle against the thoughts inside me telling me not to kiss him back … I can’t help it. If you have ever been kissed the way you WANT to be kissed, then you know what I am talking about.

Soft at first … gentle and ohh so tender, but with a passion you know is just waiting to get started. Slowly it builds and you both feel it as the desire rises and you feel those fantastic warm glowy feelings that start at your tingly toes and work all the way up and then float right out of the top of your head.

Yeah … it felt good, and for the FIRST time in weeks I actually had a smile on my face!

Nothing happened … well other than a whole lot of kissing … AP has his own “body issues” that he deals with … he has a lump on his groin area – nothing to worry about and nothing infectious – purely a cyst … but he feels uncomfortable and doesn’t want it “seen” or be sexual until he has had a chance to get to the doctor about removing it. .

If anyone understands body issues and not feeling sexual because of the way you look … then I do!

The funny thing is … and this goes back to my comfy knickers that I mentioned earlier … it has been a pure co-incidence that whenever I have worn this particular pair … AP and I have ended up being flirty with each other and I’d mentioned that to him before. He spotted what I was wearing and laughed, telling me I was even wearing my “I’m gonna get horny” underwear! The mad thing is – these are such comfy NON sexual knickers! LOL

I have felt as sexual as a slug until so recently (err today!) Even when my husband and I had drunken sex the other night … I didn’t really feel sexual – that was more of a simple biological urge!! AP just wakes up things inside of me that have been buried for so long – and he makes me feel GOOD.

AP said to me today that the sparkle was back in my eyes again and that it was nice to see. Hell, It was nice to feel.

Sex never IS just sex.

I should NOT have had sex with him last night.

C’mon I’m a girl … albeit a 33 year old one, but a girl nonetheless and emotions always get in the way. Sex never can be just sex, especially when it is with a person you have known for twelve years and even more so when it is your husband you are in the process of separating from! What WAS I thinking!!

I spent the morning in a complete and utter state of confusion about everything. Part of me kept remembering how warm, safe and familiar it felt in my husband’s arms. I thought about the good times we’d had, imagined putting all of this crap behind us and moving on, but I knew it would just never work. We’ve been there and done that too many times now. It wasn’t as if the sex didn’t FEEL good … but as the day went on I also remembered how much built up animosity and frustration there has been between us and why we’d decided to separate and get divorced in the first place.

It’s been a weird day because I also saw my ex affair partner (AP) today and it was an interesting “meeting” to say the least. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in at least a few days (the last contact was by text) I’d gone over to his place briefly because he’d been redecorating and found some of my CDs I’d lent him aaaaages ago – I’d forgotten and been looking for them, so went to pick them up. I didn’t stay longer than was “polite” (i.e. a little more than 5 minutes but decidely less than 10!) and as I was sat there on his sofa making polite small talk, I was reminded about all of the reasons why it ended and why I never ever could go there again. AP is very physically attractive, but today it just all made sense and it was all so clear to me… but the details of that realisation are for another post.

The mental clarity is enormous. The weight that has been lifted is huge.

I miss it …

Intimacy I mean and conversation.

That’s what I miss … someone to tell everything to and hold me when I am feeling low. It’s not even a sexual thing, it’s just about being close to another human being and I miss it.

I talked to BF today (my good girlfriend) but our conversation was so brief and we didn’t really get a chance to even touch the surface on what we’ve both been through recently. She broke up with her long term boyfriend recently too and I have been so utterly pre-occupied over the last two weeks that I haven’t had a chance to talk to her about it. I am a crappy friend.

She noticed my weight loss – it was the first time in a while I hadn’t worn overalls to work (what I do is messy – it’s easier) so the baggy overalls had hidden my changing shape. It felt good that someone had noticed.

*sigh* I am in a weird place right now and I’m not entirely sure how I feel. My husband keeps mentioning things like “when you move out I’ll be doing x,y and z to the house” and things along those lines and I do very much feel like a stranger in my own home. I think mentally I’ve moved out … or at least I am starting to. I bought boxes home today to start boxing up things like books, my craft stuff and summer clothes that I definitely won’t need before I move! I didn’t get around to actually boxing anything up, but it was cathartic to bring the big boxes home.

My husband and I are definitely avoiding eachother. He leaves the house at 8am in the morning and it’s kind of arranged that he sorts the kids out first thing when he gets up, and then I take over from 7.45am, so I see him for 15 minutes in the morning. I see him then for maybe half an hour when he gets in from work … and perhaps 2-3 minutes before I go to bed. Conversation is strictly limited to things about the children and what plans either of us have for the next couple of days so that we can conveniently avoid each other further!

I am feeling alone, insecure and confused… I realise that … and because of that I am clinging to the memory of what once was – but it is also what can never be again. I tried so hard with my marriage and at the end of the day I do harbour so many feelings of resentment towards my husband. I blame him for not listening to me. I blame him for ignoring me and using porn and I blame him for the reason why I looked elsewhere.

I blame him for so much, and although there is so much about our marriage that I miss, I know I will never get over that despite the fact that *I* had an affair and ultimately I was the one that broke our marriage vows. We didn’t stand there and say “I promise never to wank to porn” … we said “foresaking all others.”

Shameful isn’t it and trust me I feel shitty for feeling that way. The truth is, if it had been the other way around and my husband had done the things I had done, I would have kicked his ass to the curb a long time ago. I am full of guilt about it too. As a parent you try to teach integrity, honesty and truth, and all the while in the back of your mind is “you had an affair and you told LIES.“ 

I have a lot of soul searching to do before I can get over that one. I KNOW that my marriage is over and that even if we were to try again at this point … then it never could work with even the best therapy in the world. There is just too much water under the bridge and we have both already started to move on.

I can’t ever imagine being intimate with anybody else ever again … in a romantic sense I mean. It’s just not a place that I am in mentally or emotionally and I just need to be by myself for a long – LONG time. The thought of letting somebody close enough to really get to know me – when I don’t truly know myself … *big sigh*

On the upside, I did feel better for going into work for a bit earlier. I didn’t actually achieve much, but I did enough to make myself feel good about accomplishing something for the day.

I ate “properly” today too and I feel okay about it. I weighed myself at night (big mistake) and the scales showed a gain of 3lbs but I know that was only because I was weighing in the evening and I’d *just* had something to eat plus I’d drunk a pile of water and coffee during the day so I KNOW that is the only reason the scales said that.

I had a cucumber sandwich around 2pm and then I ate a filo pastry mushroom thing this evening. It’s the most I have eaten in days. It’s just easier to eat something small in front of someone than avoid talking about why I haven’t eaten.