My solicitor is GREAT!

I am really REALLY happy with my solicitor. It’s lucky really because this is one of only two firms in my local area who deal with family law AND accept legal aid, so I didn’t have many options open to me! Seriously it’s like trying to find an NHS dentist! Sooo it’s a good thing that as soon as she came down to the reception area to meet me – I knew I would like her.

She had a friendly and approachable “look” and happily answered all of my questions about whether she was a qualified solicitor, her area of speciality, how long she had been practicing etc. I told her from the get go that STBX and I were fairly amicable and that we wanted it over as cleany as possible. I told her neither of us were bad people – we just didn’t want to be married anymore! I told her briefly about my affair even though STBX can’t use it because of how long ago it was … I needed to lay it all on the table for her. I told her he has a forces pension and that I don’t want a penny of it (I’m entitled to half) but that although I really want to stay amicable … it’s a bargaining chip should he decide to get shitty! We talked briefly about his other assets – his motorbike etc, and again I said I didn’t want a penny of any of it.

 I took a copy of our mortgage statement and a valuation from the estate agent (she was very impressed!) LOL so she knows there was very little equity in the property. I explained I had agreed to move out, we’d agreed I would have custody, agreed on maintenance and that the house would be sold and any equity split 50/50!

From what she said based on what I told her and the supporting documents I took with me – it should be a fairly straightforward divorce because I am pretty much asking for umm nothing other than the 50p I’ll have from this house when it’s sold! I also gave her a written copy of my “explanations of unreasonable behaviour” and obviously she will have to re-write it in “legalese” – but nothing should be of any surprise to STBX. It was however a pleasant surprise to the solicitor!!

My solicitor talked to me about “spousal maintenance” and again I told her I didn’t want a penny. This is basically money that the higher earner has to pay to the lower earner in order to “keep them in the manner to which they have become accustomed” etc blah blah. I don’t want it. Not interested. My ex-husband shouldn’t have to support ME. His children yes, but me – no. Leaving is my choice …. I don’t expect him to pay for me. *I* will pay for me!

She did however say about something called a “nominal maintenance order” which leaves the door open for a period of time yet to be decided (usually till the youngest is 18) where it means that should my circumstances degrade (down to no fault of my own) beyond my control and that I need more financial support, then it gives me a window to make a claim for higher maintenance payments.

I wasn’t sure about this – purely because I knew that STBX would get shitty about it, but she reassured me that the courts LIKE to see this sort of thing in place because it shows both parties are amicable and that he can set caps and limits on it if he wants to … and that it is income based, so I could never make demands for things he doesn’t have.

The thing is – I don’t actually want ANYTHING from him. I’d even be happy to have my name taken off the mortgage in return for a decent sized estate car and a washing machine (delivered and plummed in!)

It’s something you simply cannot predict! Am I better off getting out of the mortgage now and going for a completely fresh start and leaving STBX to deal with the house? It would save me having to help out with re-decorating it for sale and get me totally out of the mortgage should the house end up in negative equity if he gets depressed or defaults on mortgage payments …

*******

Interlude for a short break because STBX came downstairs early so inevitably it resulted in arguments. I suggested him removing me from the mortgage and INSTANTLY he got shitty with me. I can’t believe it … the more amicable I try to be – the more defensive and shitty he gets! I basically offered him the frigging house on a plate and he starts on about what would happen if the house goes up by £50K and I start asking him for cash!!!

I had even told him that I didn’t want a penny – take me off the mortgage and have the bloody house and he still doesn’t bloody well listen. Jeeeeeeeeez I just want to be divorced! I don’t want anything other than what is actually mine – and to walk free as a single woman.

And he argues with me about it?

It’s getting to the point that I cannot stand to even be in the same room as him. Is he being an asshole on purpose or what?!

My kids & my divorce

I actually am proud to say that I have two VERY well adjusted children. My daughter is 10 (going on 30! VERY grown up for her age) and my son is 8. My son also has ADHD & Aspergers (high functioning autism) so he is a very different kettle of fish from your average child.

My daughter is my mini-me … she looks like me and we are the same star sign. We are so alike that it is scary, and because she is so mature for her age, I kept her “in the loop” from the very start of this. I am from the school of parenting that you should be as honest with your children as possible … but the caveat is that this is based upon their age and understanding at the time. Example … the tooth fairy!! A few years ago my daughter asked me a ton of questions about the tooth fairy and I absolutely answered them based on her age and understanding without telling her a single lie – but without discrediting her belief. Earlier this year my daughter said to me point blank “Mum, is the tooth fairy real or is it you?”

… I was asked a direct question – I gave an honest answer to my ten year old daughter and admitted to her that yes, the tooth fairy was me. These days she just hands over her tooth and I had her the cash but she gets to enjoy keeping the secret from her brother.

Ohhh on the subject of the him and the tooth fairy … OMG … my son has a wobbly tooth at the moment and last night we had this conversation …

SON – I’ve got a wobbly tooth!
ME – Ohhhh cooooooool! Show me!
SON – *wobbles and points*
ME – Wow, that is seriously cool! It won’t be long before that falls out.
SON – *concerned expression on face*
ME – What’s up baby?
SON – *still thinking deeply* How will the tooth fairy know we have moved?
ME – *thinking on feet* Ummm well the tooth fairy will know that your tooth is wobbly at the moment from her special radar, so how about you write her a letter?
SON – AWESOME idea! *very excited about this(
ME – * Fetching pen and paper*
SON – *writes* Dear Tooth Fairy … from 25th October we will be living at XX XXXXX so please update your address book
ME – *trying so hard to stifle the laughter at the “update your address book” and today’s modern world and blah blah blah – That’s absolutely perfect baby!

It’s pinned up by his bed – just incase ….

I have to admit that I am so proud of the pair of them. I KNOW it is going to be so very hard for them to leave their dad behind, but I am focussing on the move as a positive thing and they are being so grown up and handling it so well. The fact that I have the keys already and have been moving bits and pieces in slowly has meant that they have had a chance to get used to the new house as well instead of it being a one off shock on moving day.

I really think that despite the arguments between us (that the children have witnessed some of recently – shame on our parts there) that the way we’ve been able to work this has helped them enormously. They both knew that Mum and Dad were having problems … then they knew that Mum and Dad were thinking about splitting up … then when I found the house we (I) talked to them about moving out and separation, and now gradually I’ve been able to drop in the fact that we are going to be getting divorced.

STBX has done very little of the talking I have to admit …. I’ve been “bad cop” with the kids most of the time and I guess once I finally move out of here that won’t change AT all!

I am going to struggle not to berate him in front of them but the truth is … he IS frigging useless. He is upstairs on his computer most of the time (he admits it is an avoidance thing) and I put our children to bed most nights anyway. He’s been a useless waste of space in my life for way too long now. He has already turned around to me and said that one night a week and every other weekend is fine … but that he may want to go away for a week and wouldn’t be able to have them!!!

So **I** am expected to bend backwards and for it to be okay for him to say he doesn’t want them on his one night per week purely because it suits him? Trust me I will be there for my kids and will support them in seeing their dad as often as they want beyond the basic minimum that we agree through the divorce … but if he says HIS life is more important than his kids and that he can’t have them that one frigging night a week …. then I will be there for them and they will draw their own conclusions on him from that and it won’t be due to me!!

But UGH it is so difficult not to let the children know the REAL truth because it is important that they maintain a healthy positive relationship with their father… and when their father is being a shit … it’s almost impossible but I will NEVER ever say a bad word about him in front of them.

I really and truly have had enough now. I need it to be over.

Violence & Fisti-cuffs

After I’d posted about an early night, my STBX husband came downstairs and we had a HUGE fight. It wasn’t just any old verbal fight either, although Ohhh it WAS verbal, but it got violent.

I was trying to talk to him about a website I had found that would do a “managed divorce” with a “clean break” order and NO solicitors for £300 plus court fees. I had called him earlier in the day about it and we’d had a brief discussion but as he was working he couldn’t really talk. Last night it was only around 10.30pm when it all kicked off … I tried to talk to him about the grounds for divorce and said that if I divorced him, then the court fees of £380 would be waived as I am on a fixed low income.

Well … he squared up to me – got RIGHT in my face and he was shouting and yelling about how HE was going to divorce me and about how HE didn’t want the come-back from the courts about blame as the resopondant. He didn’t even attempt to listen to what I was saying – he assumed everything, put words in my mouth and the fight that ensued afterwards was awful.

He was right in my face and I mean RIGHT in my face and I just flipped! I slapped him on the face. I truly didn’t know what else to do at the time. I remember looking at him – he was bright red in the face from all the anger … his face was all screwed up and I remember thinking he looked like a poison dwarf and at that point I felt my own anger bubble to the point I felt the need to physically hurt him. I slapped him good and proper too.

He stood there shocked for a bit and pushed me HARD into the sofa. I stood up a little bit stunned and then pummelled him hard. I’m not as strong as I used to be, but I AM still a kickboxer and I have my 2nd brown belt! (for those who don’t know, I am just one belt away from blackbelt in kickboxing … but I haven’t trained in months ….) anyway … it was awful. It has NEVER got violent like that between us before.

I was going to walk out and sleep at my new house until it occurred to me I have no beds/mattresses, no pillows or duvet there, or actually anything other than a floor to sleep on. Needless to say I crawled back into the house and slept on the sofa.

I am so ANGRY with him

It’s been a long time since I have felt this angry and really there was no just cause for it.

My husband went out tonight. He’s been out a fair bit recently and the friend he went out with tonight … well it just reminded me of a time where he’d been out with this friend in the past before during a time when we really actually were supposed to be working on our marriage. He’d come home and half way up the stairs he’d told me he loved me … then by the time we got upstairs he was telling me it was over. All because of a conversation with this friend. This was two years ago btw.

Trying to be nice I offered to make him a sandwich when he got home from work this evening as he’d said he was hungry … he then proceeded to announce he didn’t need to go to the shop when he took the dog out as there was enough bread for the kids to have breakfast and make their packed lunches.

It didn’t occur to him that there wasn’t enough bread for ME to have something to eat. Then he went out and left me to deal with the kids etc. I spent three hours HUNGRY and he didn’t understand. He had a nice sandwich and some lovely bar food. He probably didn’t deserve or understand my wrath when he got back in, but he did get the full whack of my frustration and resentment towards him.

I don’t even know what happened on this night out … all I know is that the minute he walked through the door I was ready to throw big rocks at him.

The ONLY thing I can think of is that about six minutes before he walked through the door, I’d had a pizza delivery. I was HUNGRY. I weighed up the calories and the cost and decided fuck it … he left me with no bread so I couldn’t have my usual scrambled eggs on toast … so I called a pizza.

The only reason I can really think of for getting so angry is that I got caught eating FOOD. I didn’t actually spend the day starving myself and I got caught eating pizza. Can you believe the shame??? What sort of frigging anorexic am I if I fancy PIZZA? The fact I could only manage two bites has nothing to do with it.

Fancy coming home and finding that someone has EATEN FOOD in your absence! It’s so crap and I know it is … but that is my excuse and I am sticking to it. In reality I know it was because I was eating something so fat and calorie laden and I didn’t want anybody to know about it.