Divorce, eating, new house, …ohh and sex!

Thought that would get your attention – it’s all true! Ya know this is the strangest thing – my stress levels are LOWER!! I’m doing more and under MORE pressure … but yet happier than ever before …

So are you gonna blog regularly now?? so what is next for Ness?
Well … with my new life and a new start… I figured time for a fresh new blog to celebrate, so this will be my last post here. l don’t want to dwell on my old life and need to focus on the new one… so a new blog!

…. Woah hang on a minute – you mentioned sex in the title?
Umm that I did … you’ll have to read my new blog to find out everything!!

Where’s the new blog at?
You can now find me dutifully blogging at http://itspink.wordpress.com/

With love – Ness x

STBX has noticed …

… he’s noticed that I am eating more. Does that mean I am eating too much?? Fuck my head is really screwed isn’t it. That wasn’t a question btw – merely a statement of facts. There was a conversation where STBX were discussing safe things. We only tend to have “safe” conversations these days about things that are either “important need to know” stuff or relevant to daily ongoing life and topics like the news, what we heard on the radio, what’s for dinner etc.

Anyway … and appropriately on the subject of what’s for dinner … Sunday STBX likes to cook. He’s an ex chef so it’s in his bones/blood whatever! He also likes to make sure that the children do get at least a couple of proper dinners and SOME vegetables in their diet which is all good as far as I am concerned! He did a roast tonight and when he let me know earlier that he was cooking tonight … I purposely didn’t eat anything at all during the day so that I could have a totally empty belly to eat “proper food” with …

Well there was conversation a little bit later and I don’t even remember how we got onto the subject … STBX was telling me what his weight was – I mentioned I’d lost another pound but that my appetite seemed to have increased over the last few days…

HE SAID YES, HE HAD NOTICED.

So he’s watching me scoffing food now? Does he even know what alarm bells that sets off inside my head??? It says to me I’ll show him – bastard! I won’t be living with him soon and I will show him what a low appetite can do … because I know I DO control my appetite… no really, I do.

Fucker – I won’t even be living with him and STILL he has this frigging control over me and this way of totally altering my perception of myself and snapping my self confidence.  I’ve been feeling so positive lately and he has this way of bringing me right back down.

My appetite HAS increased yes. I put it down to the stress bubbles being popped with every day I get closer to leaving my husband “officially” … but I am keeping a very close eye on the scales and the minute it goes up even by a tiny little pound … well we’ll worry about that if when it happens.

The New Plan

I currently measure 37-27-37 and I looked up pictures online of women who have my figure and I was gobsmacked … okay look at these … these photos are of a model called Angela Nicole who I look at and think WOW she is one seriously HOT babe!!

But … I have her measurements! I measure exactly the same as she does … so why I am *I* fat and she is perfect? I look at her and think MAN I would KILL to have her figure … yet I have her exact same measurements!!!

It’s not me being all body dismorphic either … I do have a flabby stomach and stretch marks … Angela Nicole’s figure is perfect and toned and gorgeous. According to her stats she weighs 125 too … 7lbs less than I do – but she is also an inch shorter than me. I have to forgive myself a certain amount as I have given birth to two children and been pregnant four times (yes I lost two babies) and I realise that the stretch marks will NEVER go … but if I can get my stomach as toned as hers? Then I reckon I could even actually be happy with my body.

Blimey did I say that?

So … New Plan to get my 37-27-37 figure MORE like Angela Nicole’s …. EXERCISE MORE!! My new regime will start the day I move into the new house (all my exercise stuff is over there! LOL)

Run 3x a week for at least 10 minutes (building up)
My new house is 5-6 minutes drive from the children’s school … and there is a huge great big park literally by the school. I have NO reason not to take advantage of it go for a run when I have done the morning school run. This part of the plan also involves buying new running shoes because of course I have nothing appropriate! If I start off with a ten minute slow walk/jog around the park and then build up to a faster pace and more laps slowly … this will help to tone ALL parts of my body.

Body Pump
I went to body pump classes at the gym religiously twice a week in the past and got into it to the point that I bought my own bar! For a while I was really good about doing it from home twice a week and saving the money on classes … but I got out of the habit. New plan involves doing a body pump routine at least twice a week in the evenings after the kids have gone to bed. I can download the music tracks to work-out to from YouTube. The full body pump class (Les Mills) works out every single major muscle group.

Kickboxing
I’m actually one belt away from being black-belt although I haven’t trained since February and my fitness is probably way down… but kickboxing was always my method of venting ALL frustrations and taking it out on the kick bags … or my partner in sparring! I was actually shit hot at the point I stopped going, and the only reason I stopped going – was money! Kickboxing classes cost £4.50 a week – it’s in the evening and not a problem to take the kids along as there is a room they can sit in with a book / nintendo DS etc … so IF my budget allows, I want to do at least one class a week or heck even every other week! This will have to be a budget based thing though because the classes do cost money.

Sit-ups and stomach toning
This is the biggie and I have to commit to doing sit-ups every other day, but I can do them before bed no problem. I have no idea how many I should be doing though? I guess I am aiming for around 50 then increasing … any advice there?

So yeah … that’s the new plan … to carry on eating as far as my appetite allows (low fat/low cal/healthy options only) … and to increase my exercise. At the same time I promise myself I will try NOT become obsessed about exercise calories / calories consumed and create weird and wonderful excel spreadsheets to calculate the difference!

Progress in Ness-Ville methinks!

It’s what I love about moving to a new place … a chance to change ALL of the rules – for the kids as well as for me!! I AM going to make this work and I AM going to have “the figure I would kill for” by Christmas.

That is realistic yeah? 8 weeks?

Poorly & ill in Ness-Ville!

Well I guess it’s what comes of spending two solid days curled up with a poorly ill small boy … it’s only natural I would come down with it! I’ve been wiped out! Without going into TOO much detail – I’ve had major stomach cramps, wanted to do nothing but sleep … and as for the rest … let’s just say that both ends weren’t very far from a bucket or the toilet at all times!

On the upside – appetite hasn’t exactly been an issue!! That’s one benefit of being ill like that! LOL I actually got new batteries for my scales the day I got ill (before it hit) but as it was the middle of the day I’d promised myself I would wait until the next morning to get a “true” reading.

Before I got the yucky nasty bug, my appetite had been returning slowly and I was beginning to be able to eat more and more (I’ve realised it’s all totally related to being closer to moving day – a week today!) and I had assumed that I would be a couple of pounds heavier, but I got on the scales this afternoon (middle of the day) when I was feeling better (after drinking lots and lots of liquids) and I was 132lbs (9 stone 6) on my 5’8″ height … that is exactly the same weight as I was on October 7th (just re-read through back posts to check) which was BEFORE my appetite started to come back.

See part of me says that is 11 days in which I have NOT lost weight and my original plan was to be at my goal of 9 stone/126lbs  by moving day … but unless I literally eat NOTHING for the next week there is no way I can drop 6lbs … or can I???

The other part of me says that as my appetite has increased and I’ve eaten more on a daily basis over the last 11 days that it is actually GOOD to have maintained my weight. I have to keep reminding myself that thin does NOT equal happy – thin is just a bonus of achieving happy.

I took measurements tonight too – my hips haven’t changed but I’ve dropped another inch from my waist since I last measured on 4th October. I am now 37-27-37 which is apparently a perfect hourglass figure … and TBH if it were toned I think I could even learn to love it!

Sooo … that is the next plan … but that’s a whole other post!!

My weight …

Well my scales have been broken for three days and I have avoided the temptation to buy a new battery. I have absolutely NO IDEA what I weigh. This is good, right?

I dont know … it’s as if over the last few days all I can think about is my new house and moving and how HAPPY I feel right now – and that has cancelled out so many of my negative feelings. Plus … I took in a parcel for a neighbour opposite (at the old house) today and when I saw her pull up in her car, I took the parcel out to her and we ended up having a really good chat! She’d noticed me loading up the car with lots of things over the week and I admitted that I was moving out with the children in just over a week. She laughed and told me she’d commented to her partner that “the woman over the road is looking really good these days!” She told me all about her nightmare divorce, how she had lost a butt load of weight afterwards and we had a good old natter! Funny where you find friends eh!

Well anyway, I HAVE been eating over the last few days. I’ve been having something at lunch and something in the evening. Okay it hasn’t been huge mega amounts, but it’s been more than before – and that is a breakthrough for me.

So being thinner doesn’t necessarily equal happy … but obviously ending my marriage and moving out does … sad huh. I STILL feel fat – don’t get me wrong… but I’ve promised myself all along that I will never starve myself and if I am hungry … I WILL eat. It just seems ironic that the closer I get to leaving this place (ie leaving my STBX husband) and moving into my own place … the less I am obsessed about food.

Or it isn’t irony and it’s just frigging obvious that HE has been the cause of all of my stress!!

9 days and counting!

My boy has been poorly ALL day so I kept him off school. Seriously this kid doesn’t ever actually stop (he has ADHD & Aspergers) and goes at like 300mph unless he is asleep … or ill … in which case he just STOPS – literally!! Well, right now he is stopped!!! He slept ALL day other than waking up around 3-4 times when he got force fed liquids and liquid paracetamp; (errr tylenol in the US – I think!) and I put him to bed around 8pm. It’s now just gone midnight so he has pretty much slept an entire 24 hours.

 For him to sleep most of the day and barely show interest in food … well you know he isn’t well! STBX was also working from home today, so although I wanted desperately to stay with my poorly little boy … I also had a NEED to get out of the house away from STBX because the atmosphere is truly TRULY awful – we are both literally on countdown until I move out.

Plus I’d had a text from AP. There was something he’d left at my old workshop that he needed (convenient eh) so we arranged to meet there this afternoon. Ohh it was good to see him. I won’t deny that and I had to thoroughly restrain myself did a useless job at restraining myself. He smelled incredible (Cool Water) and looked fabulous (obviously freshly showered & shaved). We weren’t there long as I didn’t want to be away from my son for long, but yes there may have been some kissing involved.

Okay there may have been some groping through jeans and perhaps a little nipple sucking.

We even talked about how I NEED to stay away from relationships for a long time – his response was that you are supposed to be single for half the length of your last relationship to truly get over it. I was with STBX for 12 years in total. Does that mean being single now for six years???

I just laughed and told AP that I still planned on using him for just sex though. He didn’t have many complaints about that! Surprising eh LOL! He also knows that nothing will happen until I have moved house and sorted out my head… and he wants to go to the doctor for a general check-up first anyway. I totally respect that. I actually went to a clinic for a sexual health check after my affair with AP ended and I was okay/clean. I know I haven’t slept with anyone else other than AP and STBX, and to be truthful I don’t think AP has either, but I’m totally ok with his wanting to get checked up first. It’s been a LONG time since he and I were sexual and I respect him for it. It also means that with a clean bill of health for both of us … well it’s kind of a mature way to approach a “friends with benefits” relationship.

We weren’t there long – maybe ten minutes or so … but it was enough to wake up that small insignificant part of me that actually quite likes myself (shameful huh!!) but THAT is what AP does for me that my STBX never did. I was laying on the floor (moved all the chairs out already) while he was nibbling my boobs through my t-shirt and I WASN’T thinking about whether my shirt was riding up and my belly was exposed. I was just lost in the feeling good factor… and ohh it felt good … especially when it wasn’t through a t-shirt … or  a bra …

It felt incredible and this man has the ability to sweep me off my feet sexually, but I needed to stay grounded and get back for my son… so I was very restrained – so was he! LOL

I visited my house for a bit this evening too – LOL I love saying that! I built my desk which will go in the dining room and then just pottered around for a bit. I have developed this habit of laying on the space where my bed will be before I go … and just enjoying the space.

It’s officially gone midnight in the UK which means 9 days till moving day… and it can’t come soon enough!!

Bruises – LOTS of them

I noticed last night when I had a shower that I had a lot of bruises on my legs and I counted over 40 small bruises on both legs. Tonight … I got changed into my PJs and looked at my body in my full length mirror and was horrified. I look AWFUL. I am covered in what is probably hundreds of small bruises all over my body and it’s SO nasty to look at. I hate my body anyway, but seeing it so covered in bruises just makes it look even uglier.

There ARE some possible explanations … I am fair haired and fair skinned. My complexion has meant I have always bruised easily, plus I’ve been up to the new house a LOT today with heavy furniture & heavy boxes and have probably banged myself several times, but even so, this is a LOT of bruises over my entire body and there is now MORE than 40 on my legs but I lost count.

I had a look online for unexplained bruising and came across information about how a lack of body fat under the skin doesn’t give the same protection when you get knocked or banged. Apparently bruising is a physical symptom of anorexia.

Does this mean that to be thin I need to suffer with bruising and wrap myself up in cotton wool???? I have lost 44lbs and am finally at a point where I am around 11lbs from being “technically underweight” … and therefore a currently “healthy” body weight, and although I still have a lot of weight to lose and then lots more flabby skin to tone up … I am happier with my body now than I was before … but I have to suffer with bruises in order to be thinner?

How the fuck does that work? How is that FAIR?

Found a different BMI calculator

According to the BMI calculator I have been using … 8 stone 13lbs was the lowest “healthy” weight before I am considered underweight … and I do not want to be underweight - I just want to be thin! Well … I found another website – a gov.uk site too, so you gotta assume it is going to be reliable! So anyway, this alternative version that I’ve found says I can get down to 8 stone 9lbs before I am considered underweight – that means I have another 11lbs to go.

All this because a pair of shorts fell down and my STBX husband had “how fat did you used to be” goggle eyes poking out of his head – I’m not thin enough yet.

I’m also cursing myself for eating a proper dinner tonight because I’ll pay for it on the scales in the morning.

… and other reasons why I am leaving him!

I had a shower this evening and went rooting around in my wardrobe for something to wear in bed. Until I officially move out of this house on the 25th, my STBX husband and I share a bed, so I HAVE to wear something for modesty’s sake – he don’t get to see THAT no more!

Anyway, I pulled out a pair of shorts, slipped them on, reached up to pull a t-shirt off the hanger, and as my fingers let go of the waistband on the shorts, they just completely fell off! It made me giggle, so I went into his study to show him how huge they were. I said “look how fat I used to be” and the expression on his face was just “oh my god they are like fucking HUGE – yeah look at how FAT you were”

I said “gee thanks, well you always did say I had a fat arse didn’t you” – he said he hadn’t meant it like that, but he didn’t bother checking if I was okay – he just turned back to his computer.

Now sensible Ness says that he doesn’t have to comment – I’m his STBX wife … but ED Ness knows full well from that expression on his face that I always WAS too fat and that’s why he ignored me, neglected me and rejected me.

It’s just another reminder to myself that leaving this man who does NOT offer me emotional support and who does NOT encourage me to feel better about myself and who does NOT help build my self esteem … well, it’s the best thing I can do – and Grrrr moving day can’t come quick enough!!

AND I ate a “proper” dinner tonight.

Changing the rules

Moving to a new house is a fantastic opportunity to get rid of SO MUCH CRAP. I’m talking physical as well as emotional! I have told my children point blank that once we move house, a lot of things will be changing and we will have new rules for all of us including me.

I’m a smoker … hands up in the air and I smoke in my house. Well … NOT in the new house!! I wanted to show willing to the children, so I have told them I will only smoke in the kitchen during the day, or once they are in bed I can smoke in the lounge with the french doors open.

I’ve also promised them I will curb my swearing. They are well adjusted children and they know it is acceptable to swear once you are an adult, but I probably swear more than I need to. I’ve told them I will have a swear box and I will pay £1 (around $2) into it every time I swear in front of them.

They also know that a lot of things will be changing for them too because they will HAVE to. I’ll be on my own with them at least 6 out of 7 nights a week minimum – and plan is they stay with their dad one week night every week as well as every other weekend. I’ve also told him he can see them as OFTEN as he wants to after school/evenings.

I will need them to help me out. They know at this stage that me staying with their dad is not an option and that life is going to be very different for all of us. I am trying to be positive with them (not in front of my husband) about the move and about how great it is going to be and what a wonderful life we will have. I’m not sure who I am trying to convince half the time!

I’ve told them that they can EARN their pocket money daily by doing chores as well as basic things expected of them. Things like homework needs to be done straight away after getting in from school, bedrooms should be tidied up before they go to bed and they’ll both need to help with clearing the table and doing dishes as we won’t have a dishwasher!! There will be a basic daily rate that they can earn, then EXTRA things for top-up pocket money.

They will be able to buy sweets twice a week – once with me and once with their dad and it HAS to be out of their own pocket money. I need to get STBX to agree on this!

For my son it will be extra things like not having any toileting issues (he is 8 and has Aspergers/ADHD) so if he has a toilet accident he will automatically lose computer privelidges for the rest of the day (that is the current rule that won’t change) but he will also lose the right to any extra pocket money for that day.

My daughter is a different kettle of fish and I’m not sure yet what to set her extra to … currently I am thinking making sure her homework is done (she is in yr 6 age 10- son is in yr 4) but I also feel I want to give her some extra responsibility in return for extra money so she can pay for her own mobile phone top-ups.

All this money would come from my husband’s child maintenance anyway … but if she has the extra money to keep her phone topped up, she can text her dad any time she needs to talk to him … and he can call her back (free calls for him through his company mobile) and she can have any private conversations that she needs to have with her dad.

Does that sound reasonable?

Rules I will also attempt to change for myself is to have some kind of breakfast every single morning from the day I move into that house. The children love Actimel yoghurt drinks and I could probably handle one of those. I will also be buying plenty of fruit as my daughter is a fruit-a-holic, and I will eat at LEAST a banana OR another piece of fruit that I really like and enjoy every day as well (peaches, red apples, melon and any berries).

I can’t promise myself to sit down and eat a dinner with them every night as I am simply never ever hungry at 5.30-6pm. If I haven’t eaten anything all day and I DO feel hungry, it’s generally around 8.30pm that I will eat something, but I WILL sit at the table with them and spend at LEAST 10 mins over their dinner with “family” time.

It should work out that they stay with their dad every other weekend, so every other Friday night that they are with me will be “movie night” and they will both get to pick a rented DVD (plotted the cost in my budget excel spreadsheet!!) and we’ll sit there on the sofa in our PJs with popcorn, M&Ms and whatever.

I’ll be changing bedtimes too – we’ve been quite slack on that recently but I think from going forwards once we’ve settled into the new house … it will be bedtime drink & snack at 8pm and lights off by 8.30 – not counting weekends and school holidays, and of course any night they spend with their dad during the week will probably involve a later night purely because of the time that he gets home from work, but that is all things to be discussed.

I need to stop my late nights and start earlier mornings! My husband is an early riser whereas I am a nightowl, so right from when our children were young, I would take care of anything during the night up to around 4am – at which time I would wake him and then I would sleep through until he had to go to work. Currently he gets up around 7am to get breakfast for the children, he makes their packed lunches and gets himself ready for work. I then get up at 7.45am and take over … I make sure the kids are dressed for school, that they have brushed their teeth and check the diary for PE, swimming or anything that they need to take stuff into school for and organise that. I am out of the house by 8.35am but that involves barely looking in the mirror and just throwing on clothes that are around and I always have 5 mins to spare in the playground before they go in as the “marital home” is just around the corner from the school!

I worked out I will need to get up at 7.30am at the latest to get their breakfast, chuck an actimel yoghurt down my neck as my own breakfast – then while they are eating I can jump in the shower. I can run around and get all of the bits and pieces for their day ready and make their packed lunches while they are doing whatever in their bedrooms and meanwhile my hair is drying wrapped up in a towel turban! According to the current pace and clock … I should be yelling at them to get dressed by 8.10am and then have twenty minutes to straighten my hair and put on some mascara at the very least. I then have another five minutes CLEAR to make sure that they both have shoes on and to check for things I have forgotten. I will then have 5 minutes to drive them to school, but the new house is only 4 minutes drive from school … which still gives me an extra whole minute to allow for the traffic lights around the corner from the new place!

Sooo plan is … alarm set for 7am … snooze till 7.10 then snooze again till 7.20 and get up 10 minutes earlier to allow myself time for a cup of coffee!!

Life as a single mother is going to be hard, but I would rather walk away from an unhappy marriage and go through whatever I need to go through … than stay here for any longer than necessary.