9 days and counting!

My boy has been poorly ALL day so I kept him off school. Seriously this kid doesn’t ever actually stop (he has ADHD & Aspergers) and goes at like 300mph unless he is asleep … or ill … in which case he just STOPS – literally!! Well, right now he is stopped!!! He slept ALL day other than waking up around 3-4 times when he got force fed liquids and liquid paracetamp; (errr tylenol in the US – I think!) and I put him to bed around 8pm. It’s now just gone midnight so he has pretty much slept an entire 24 hours.

 For him to sleep most of the day and barely show interest in food … well you know he isn’t well! STBX was also working from home today, so although I wanted desperately to stay with my poorly little boy … I also had a NEED to get out of the house away from STBX because the atmosphere is truly TRULY awful – we are both literally on countdown until I move out.

Plus I’d had a text from AP. There was something he’d left at my old workshop that he needed (convenient eh) so we arranged to meet there this afternoon. Ohh it was good to see him. I won’t deny that and I had to thoroughly restrain myself did a useless job at restraining myself. He smelled incredible (Cool Water) and looked fabulous (obviously freshly showered & shaved). We weren’t there long as I didn’t want to be away from my son for long, but yes there may have been some kissing involved.

Okay there may have been some groping through jeans and perhaps a little nipple sucking.

We even talked about how I NEED to stay away from relationships for a long time – his response was that you are supposed to be single for half the length of your last relationship to truly get over it. I was with STBX for 12 years in total. Does that mean being single now for six years???

I just laughed and told AP that I still planned on using him for just sex though. He didn’t have many complaints about that! Surprising eh LOL! He also knows that nothing will happen until I have moved house and sorted out my head… and he wants to go to the doctor for a general check-up first anyway. I totally respect that. I actually went to a clinic for a sexual health check after my affair with AP ended and I was okay/clean. I know I haven’t slept with anyone else other than AP and STBX, and to be truthful I don’t think AP has either, but I’m totally ok with his wanting to get checked up first. It’s been a LONG time since he and I were sexual and I respect him for it. It also means that with a clean bill of health for both of us … well it’s kind of a mature way to approach a “friends with benefits” relationship.

We weren’t there long – maybe ten minutes or so … but it was enough to wake up that small insignificant part of me that actually quite likes myself (shameful huh!!) but THAT is what AP does for me that my STBX never did. I was laying on the floor (moved all the chairs out already) while he was nibbling my boobs through my t-shirt and I WASN’T thinking about whether my shirt was riding up and my belly was exposed. I was just lost in the feeling good factor… and ohh it felt good … especially when it wasn’t through a t-shirt … or  a bra …

It felt incredible and this man has the ability to sweep me off my feet sexually, but I needed to stay grounded and get back for my son… so I was very restrained – so was he! LOL

I visited my house for a bit this evening too – LOL I love saying that! I built my desk which will go in the dining room and then just pottered around for a bit. I have developed this habit of laying on the space where my bed will be before I go … and just enjoying the space.

It’s officially gone midnight in the UK which means 9 days till moving day… and it can’t come soon enough!!

My eating disorder is getting worse …

I weighed myself today … HAH that sounds funny. I weigh myself like a million times a day so I don’t know what made me start a post with that. Well, anyway I noticed that the scales have been dropping again after standstill for 4 days. I have lost 42lbs in total and I now weigh 134lbs (9 stone 8lbs / just under 61kg) – I am 5’8″ tall for those that care.

I have been very aware that what originally started as weight loss has rapidly turned into very restrictive eating. It began when I started to be very picky about the foods that I would eat and I had a very bland and basic diet with very little flavour. It also started with a simple “loss of appetite” – I wasn’t eating as much. I was also telling myself that because I did eat when I felt hungry (which wasn’t often) that everything was okay. It wasn’t – it isn’t. It’s so far from fucking okay that I don’t know what to do.

The trouble is, I don’t know what I can do about it because I am not hungry. I feel full up and bloated and it would be like asking someone to eat a 5 course meal and THEN have cheese & crackers with coffee afterwards and maybe some mint chocolate wafers if there is room! I have no desire to eat and no appetite. Food and meals that I used to love and look forward to, I can barely stomach a mouthful of because I don’t ever actually feel hungry. I eat food purely to exist.

I have eaten three quarters of a slice of toast with low fat spread on it today. I only ate that because I realised I hadn’t had anything at all and I knew I should have SOMETHING. I made two slices and couldn’t even manage the whole of one slice!

See, when I think about people “starving themselves” I always imagined rumbling bellies and the “hungry monster” saying FEED ME, but although I realise I am technically starving my body … how can I be starving and not hungry? Just one of my daily battles / issues.

My original starting weight (which wasn’t actually my heaviest) was 176lbs, and then on the 28th July I weighed myself and made a note of my weight and measurements. That was the day I was sitting cross legged on the sofa looking at my bulging fat stomach and hideous body and decided to do something about it. That was the point the ED which had been laying dormant kicked in and reared it’s ugly head. It was only ever meant to be about losing some weight and watching what I ate. It was never meant to turn into uncontrollable anorexic behaviours.

Anyway, the measurements … I was 176lbs at my recorded heaviest ….

28th JULY ’08
11 stone 4 / 158lbs
Waist – 32″
Hips – 44″
BMI – 24.02

TODAY
9 stone 8lbs /134lbs
Waist – 28″
Hips – 37″
BMI – 20.2

I have lost 24lbs – almost 2 stone in the 3 months since I made a note of my weight and measurements on July 28th, and I’ve lost 42lbs in total  -but even that doesn’t count my heaviest, so you can probably add another 10lbs to my total loss. At my heaviest I have no idea what I weighed as I didn’t own scales then (probably didn’t want to know!!), but I remember shopping for a summer dress and buying a UK size 18 (US 14). I was never that heavy for long and then settled around a UK size 14-16 (US 10-12) within the top limits of the “normal” boundaries.

I’ve also dropped 4″ from my waist and 7″ from my hips. I have been through my wardrobe throwing stuff away so many times over the last few months! I now own that I can wear on my bottom half …

My “new size 12 jeans” (which are already loose on the waist)
A pair of Gap size 12 brown jeans
White loose leg draw string trousers size 14

 Yeah .. that’s it. I basically wear my jeans or my Gap brown ones and alternate them in the wash. The white draw string ones look ridiculous on me unless I wear a long top. I have plenty of tops, but I literally have nothing else for the bottom!! I bought the Gap brown jeans from eBay a while ago when I started losing weight so I would have something to wear when I got where I originally wanted to be. When I got them I couldn’t even get them over my hips … then after a while I could slide them over my hips but there was no way they were getting zipped up … then they almost got zipped up … then they fitted perfectly … now they are a little loose around the waist.

According to measurement crap thingies I looked up tonight I am now officially a UK 10-12 (US 6-8) and I am hanging on for that elusive UK size 8 but I think hope I will be happy at a UK 10.

I was overweight for so many years, then I sat at the very top end of the “healthy” weight range for such a long time. With regards to where I am now … well that depends on which website you ask!! I am around 10lbs away from being at the top end of underweight. My current goal is to lose another 9lbs to get to 125. This will give me a BMI of 19 and be at the top end of underweight for my height … but still have a healthy BMI.

People are now really noticing the weight loss and I’m getting comments like … “You look great but you really don’t want to lose any more.” WTF is that supposed to mean? I was too fat and now I am too thin? It’s like all the while you exist within the boundaries of being normal to slightly overweight that you get ignored and overlooked … then when you lose 42lbs and nearly dip into the “underweight” catagory – that all of a sudden people open their eyes to you and feel a need to comment on how you look!

 What worries me … and REALLY worries me is that I am losing weight as a side effect of simply not being hungry. I know I have an issue with my weight and with food … and the doctor diagnosed me with EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified)

I want to lose another 9lbs to get to my goal weight of 125 (8 stone 13) which is still within the boundaries of “normal” for my 5’8″ height … but I am also only 12lbs away from a BMI of 18.5 and 3 missed periods away from going from EDNOS with anorexic bahaviours to diagnosable anorexia nervosa. This is not something I am striving for! Trust me I don’t want to be noticed… I want to disappear into the crowds with my head down and just get on with my life. I want to be thin and slim – yes, but not to the detriment of my physical health (it’s ok I know my emotional health is screwed!!!)

I look at pictures of skin and bones “anorexics” and I do NOT want to look like that. I want to get rid of the flab from my stomach and my hips & thighs. Funnily enough my arse is shaping up okay!! It is SO weird for me to say that because I have hated my bum for years … but with the inches I have lost from my hips, it has made a phenomenal difference, and even with my blindsightedness … even *I* can see that my arse isn’t anywhere near as big as it used to be!

I am SO WORRIED about so many things …

I worry that …

• I am losing too much weight but haven’t lost enough weight at the same time.
• If I lose more than the 9lbs I want to lose to get to my target of 125 or don’t start eating “normally” at that point, then I will be 3 missed periods away from diagnosable anorexia nervosa and that scares me.
• When I reach 125lbs (8 stone 13) I will still feel the need to lose more.
• If I reach 125lbs and am happy with my weight, that I will get fat by eating normally.
• I will never eat normally again.
• That my “self destructive” behaviours will carry on even after I’ve moved out and I won’t have my husband as an excuse.
• I am making a mistake by finally ending the marriage and leaving despite how bad it has got, and that nobody will love me as much as my husband does did.
• That I will never be able to trust anybody in the future. I had an affair – how can I be sure that it will never happen to me? How can I be sure that nobody will cheat on me … and from the other side, how can I reassure someone else that I will never ever EVER do anything like that again and it was purely because my marriage was so awful and my self esteem was so low that I was unfaithful.
• That for whatever reason, the tax credits and the fact I have a business (that doesn’t generate profit currently) will mean I won’t qualify for housing benefit and I will have to move out of my new house and possibly move in with my mother. I have two months rent in advance – in cash to give to the landlady which should easily cover the period till the housing benefit award comes in … and I’ve worked out a way to cover half of the rent myself each month by scrimping and saving … so as long as housing benefit cover HALF of it … I will be okay, but I still worry.
• My son has ADHD & Aspergers. I worry that he won’t be able to cope with the changes and that he will resent me.

Ugh I have so many demons.

Not losing weight quick enough

So what do you do when you are an intelligent woman who KNOWS that if she starves herself she will end up in need of hospitalisation and lose custody of her children not to mention the slope to actual real physical death? What do you do when the scales haven’t shifted in 3 days and you are still 12lbs away from your goal weight?

You know that your goal weight still gives you a healthy BMI and stops you from having an “anorexia nervosa” diagnosis instead of plain ole EDNOS, and you don’t strive to be skin and bones, yet the scales just aren’t moving and you are so frigging FAT AND UGLY.

What do you do?

YOU EAT!

Yes of course you do. It has to be the only time in life that you actually strive to be a loser, and apparently I can’t even win at that.

I actually felt hungry earlier in the afternoon around 2pm and decided to make a sandwich. I use Hovis seeded nutty bread – carbs are bad, but this has protein too and as a vegetarian I need the extra protein. I put a light base of low fat philly spread on it … and then packed it with cucumber and lettuce. I had JUST started making it when my husband decided to start spraying this special paint onto the ceiling to cover up the leak we’d had fixed. The pain fumes overwhelmed me and the little spray bits floated down onto my food.

So I lost my appetite. Husband then hassles me about the fact that I obviously WAS hungry or I wouldn’t have started making a sandwich and purely to avoid an argument I go finish making it and sit there and eat it in front of him. I broke it all off into tiny little bites. It took me forever to eat and each chunk felt nasty as it went down my throat.

It is so HARD TO EAT IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. Especially my husband (because he hassles me) and especially my children … then especially my 10 year old daughter who I want to grow up with a confident body image!!

Husband then decides he’s going to cook a BBQ and always goes way OTT on food. I tell him I would just like some garlic mushrooms and grilled peppers. He rolls his eyes. I end up eating that PLUS two bread rolls.

No wonder the scales haven’t changed, and I bet a million that I’ll have gained in the morning.

I am so ANGRY with him

It’s been a long time since I have felt this angry and really there was no just cause for it.

My husband went out tonight. He’s been out a fair bit recently and the friend he went out with tonight … well it just reminded me of a time where he’d been out with this friend in the past before during a time when we really actually were supposed to be working on our marriage. He’d come home and half way up the stairs he’d told me he loved me … then by the time we got upstairs he was telling me it was over. All because of a conversation with this friend. This was two years ago btw.

Trying to be nice I offered to make him a sandwich when he got home from work this evening as he’d said he was hungry … he then proceeded to announce he didn’t need to go to the shop when he took the dog out as there was enough bread for the kids to have breakfast and make their packed lunches.

It didn’t occur to him that there wasn’t enough bread for ME to have something to eat. Then he went out and left me to deal with the kids etc. I spent three hours HUNGRY and he didn’t understand. He had a nice sandwich and some lovely bar food. He probably didn’t deserve or understand my wrath when he got back in, but he did get the full whack of my frustration and resentment towards him.

I don’t even know what happened on this night out … all I know is that the minute he walked through the door I was ready to throw big rocks at him.

The ONLY thing I can think of is that about six minutes before he walked through the door, I’d had a pizza delivery. I was HUNGRY. I weighed up the calories and the cost and decided fuck it … he left me with no bread so I couldn’t have my usual scrambled eggs on toast … so I called a pizza.

The only reason I can really think of for getting so angry is that I got caught eating FOOD. I didn’t actually spend the day starving myself and I got caught eating pizza. Can you believe the shame??? What sort of frigging anorexic am I if I fancy PIZZA? The fact I could only manage two bites has nothing to do with it.

Fancy coming home and finding that someone has EATEN FOOD in your absence! It’s so crap and I know it is … but that is my excuse and I am sticking to it. In reality I know it was because I was eating something so fat and calorie laden and I didn’t want anybody to know about it.

What is it with people?!?!

People have bugged the crap out of me today. Not just any ole people either, but friends who have felt the need to comment and judge me just because I’ve lost weight!

…. waiting for the children outside the school gates.
ME – Brrrr it’s cold today.
BF1 – Nope it’s just you. Skinny bitch. Nothing to keep you warm.
ME – *laughing* Hardly.
BF1 – Yeah right! If you lose much more you’ll fade away.
ME – Have a laugh!
BF1 – Seriously girlfriend, you are looking really pale and gaunt. I’m just worried about you.

…. a little later – different friend.
BF2 – You really have lost a lot of weight haven’t you.
ME – Yeah I’ve lost a bit.
BF2 *knowing look* Yeah right, how much?
ME – Umm, thirty six pounds.
BF2 – What’s that in stone?
ME – Just over two and a half stone.
BF2 – Fuck! It really shows. You probably shouldn’t lose any more though.

WTF???

I’ve ALWAYS been pale … I have blonde hair, I am fair skinned and the sun doesn’t agree with me. Being pale comes with the territory. As to gaunt? No way … my face has slimmed down with the weight I’ve lost, but I am definitely NOT gaunt. What IS it with people? I was overweight before … at 12 stone 6lbs (174lbs) I WAS overweight and fat for my 5’8″ height, and yes, I have lost a lot of weight … 36lbs to be precise plus a whole pile of inches too, but I’m 9 stone 12lbs now (138lbs) and that is a PERFECT AVERAGE weight for my height, so why are people telling me that I should stop now?

I know that I battle with my weight and body issues. I have done for many years and I still will do for years to come, but it bugs the crap out of me that especially when I am dealing with so much else that my friends can’t actually be happy for me that I am doing something to boost my flagging self esteem!!!

I ATE today too. I want to throw that out there. After the emotional start I had to the day, and not achieving much at work, then talking to AP … I was actually hungry this afternoon. Yeah I know, it surprised me too! One thing I have ALWAYS promised myself is that no matter WHAT … if I AM hungry then I WILL eat something. I want to lose weight and be slim, but I am NOT going to starve myself to death either. A day where I am hungry and I eat something isn’t going to kill me in the long run. See, I’m still sensible.

I had three slices of toast and a piece of cheddar cheese which is actually a fair bit for me … and then tonight I had another one of those Tesco filo pastry mushroom thingys which are 400 cals… not that I’m counting calories, I just happened to notice it said that on the front of the box when I looked for how long to chuck it in the oven for! It’s actually the first day in a while that I’ve felt hungry, so I made sure I ate something. The mushrooms tick the vegetable box, the cheese & pastry tick the fat & protein boxes, and the toast earlier (Hovis best of both) is carbs. When you’ve had no appetite for a long time and lived on very little for days … that’s progress!

The thing is, I am NOT ready to stop yet. I’ve just spent a good twenty minutes in front of the full length mirror and although I can SEE that I have lost weight and I KNOW I have lost weight … I do still have so much still to go.

See, this is where the “intelligent woman” inside me puts on the “In Charge” hat in regards to my EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) diagnosis. I KNOW that anorexics view themselves as fat when they actually have bones jutting out all over the place, and that is not me. I am currently a “perfect” weight, but I still have very fat thighs and a huge stomach that is very visible in front of me as I am sat here typing this!

What is wrong with not wanting to be average? What is wrong with being fed up of spending my life so far on the other side of the “normal & average” healthy weight check box? Why the fuck shouldn’t I make myself happier by wanting to be on the bottom end of it instead of the top end?? People never hassled me before about being fat or overweight … yet they hassle me now about having lost that weight that DID make me fat and DID put me into the “slightly overweight for height” catagory … despite the fact that at 5’8″ and 138lbs (BMI of 20.5) I am technically perfect!

It’s not like I am seeing things that aren’t there either … I can physically GRAB the flab that is still left on my stomach with both hands and my thighs wobble unbelievably. Maybe I need to exercise more too.

I have set myself lots of smaller goals along the way with my weight loss … it makes it easier to achieve if you break it up into chunks. My current goal is to drop to 8 stone 13lbs (125) with a 5lb comfort zone of up to 9 stone 4lbs (130) and to then maintain and exist in that zone. I don’t see what is wrong with that. It will still give me a healthy BMI and mean that FINALLY I will be thin!

Where it started …

I know exactly when it started… although it took many years to really surface.

On our first wedding anniversary we went out for a meal and I was talking about my post baby body and how I felt I needed to tone up and lose some weight. Now … you’d kinda HOPE that on your first anniversary that your husband would say something like “I think you look terrific already, but if you feel you want to lose weight then I’ll support you” … or words to that effect. My husband said …

“Well you are a bit fat aren’t you!”

Needless to say I mustered what little self dignity I had left, downed my glass of wine and walked out of there until I was out of eyeshot of the restaurant and then I started running. That was almost 10 years ago now. Maybe I should have carried on running back then …

Before I met my husband I never ever remember having ANY issues with my body or my size or anything. I am not directly blaming him, but I have no doubt that was my first toe in the water down the body issue route.

I wish I had enough fingers to count the number of times during our 11 year marriage that I found porn on his computer. Sometimes I just pretended I hadn’t seen it and convinced myself that things were okay… and sometimes I threw it in his face … more often than not with something physical like a plate or a cup and we’d have a huge row and he’d promise never to do it again…

I woke up not long after my 30th birthday and realised how desperately unhappy I was and the first place I looked was to my husband and my marriage. I DID try. I can hold my head up high knowing that I did try. I bought new sexy lingerie, tried spicing things up a bit … but after being rejected more than just a handful of times when *I* made the first move … I kinda gave up. My husband never seemed that bothered – dismissing things as being fine. I even remember one time after sex where I tried to get him to talk about what I could do to make things better … and I remember he described me as “laying there like a wet fish” – well, when you’ve given up – sex becomes prefunctory doesn’t it. What was the point?!

Even then I tried harder. I truly did. The problem was … my husband and I never seemed to “try” at the same time and our marriage really started to break down. I’d already lost a few pounds, but this was when I started seriously trying to lose weight. I lost another 10lbs but was still ever so slightly in the “overweight” zone. It affected me deeply and I reached a plateau where I just didn’t seem able to lose any more weight. I exercised and ate sensibly … and stayed exactly the same. It was also around this time when I had an affair that lasted 4 months. My husband found out about it after it was over, and we were supposedly “working on it” but I guess neither of us actually were.

Okay bringing this forward now …. it was just over a couple of months ago … I remember the date … July 28th when it occurred to me that I hadn’t really had an appetite for a few days and I just made a note of it in my diary. I was weighing myself daily and realised that without starving myself, without being hungry and without even trying … I was losing weight. I have so far lost 35lbs in total (the last 20lbs in 9 weeks) and it has been literally falling off.

It’s a slippery slope … I can feel myself slipping down and I don’t want to stop because although I still have lots of weight to lose … I am looking better than I have looked in a long time.

The journey begins …

In brief … I am 33 years old and am just coming out of an 11 year marriage with 2 children aged 8 & 10. My marriage broke down a long time ago through lack of communication and no intimacy. We were both to blame. My husband used porn and ignored me sexually for years. I fought back with casual sex encounters and then I had a 4 month affair with a man I continued to see pleutonically after the affair was finished.

My marriage is over but we are still living in the marital home together with the children until my claim for tax credits comes through and I can move out with the children while the house is sold.

In the meantime I have been diagnosed with EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) because I have severe body issues and zero appetite. I am not purposely starving myself or restricting myself consciously  … but as to what goes on in my subconscious mind? Ack well that is what I am here to figure out through my writing.

It is classified as EDNOS because I have lost a serious amount of weight in a short time and I meet all the criteria for being anorexic except for the fact that I am still currently of a “normal” weight for my height and I still have regular periods. Apparently I need to be closer to death and have bones jutting out. I have no desire to eat food and simply don’t ever feel hungry. If I am hungry - I will eat something but it doesn’t take more than a few mouthfuls before I can’t face anymore.

I also suffer from depression and anxiety – all brought on over the last 2-3 years of an unhappy marriage, low self esteem etc and a failing business that I’ve been trying to keep afloat for too long. Ohhh, and if it helps … my 8 year old son has ADHD & Aspergers.

Yeah, I have a full plate.

This blog is meant to be my daily SCREAM about all of the crap that I have in my life as I work my way through all KINDS of issues including but not limited to … LOL …

• Low self esteem & zero self confidence.
• HUGE body / weight issues and a daily battle against the scales.
• An obsession with losing weight as quickly as I can
• Disordered eating (no appetite)
• A diagnosis of EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified)
• Why my husband ignored me in preference to porn.
• What led me to have an affair.
• Dealing with hurt and pain caused to my Husband and extended family.
• Depression & anxiety
• Feelings of inadequacy and a drive to be perfect even though I know I can’t be.
• … and then some!

I have an innate need to WRITE about my daily shit, and although my affair was discovered through a blog, I still HAVE to write it down somewhere so I may as well publish it. Call it cathartic – maybe I get a kick out of feedback & comments … maybe it’s a way of “fitting in” to a world that doesn’t seem to suit me. My old blog has been closed and this new one started. I hide nothing and write everything.

My marriage is over – I have nothing to hide anymore which is why I am writing again. We are both now simply waiting in limbo until I can move out and we can begin our new lives. All I ask is that if you read this and know who I am that you keep it to yourself. Comments / advice all welcome as I take the journey to my emotional recovery and try to work out what the f**k I am doing with my life.