STBX has noticed …

… he’s noticed that I am eating more. Does that mean I am eating too much?? Fuck my head is really screwed isn’t it. That wasn’t a question btw – merely a statement of facts. There was a conversation where STBX were discussing safe things. We only tend to have “safe” conversations these days about things that are either “important need to know” stuff or relevant to daily ongoing life and topics like the news, what we heard on the radio, what’s for dinner etc.

Anyway … and appropriately on the subject of what’s for dinner … Sunday STBX likes to cook. He’s an ex chef so it’s in his bones/blood whatever! He also likes to make sure that the children do get at least a couple of proper dinners and SOME vegetables in their diet which is all good as far as I am concerned! He did a roast tonight and when he let me know earlier that he was cooking tonight … I purposely didn’t eat anything at all during the day so that I could have a totally empty belly to eat “proper food” with …

Well there was conversation a little bit later and I don’t even remember how we got onto the subject … STBX was telling me what his weight was – I mentioned I’d lost another pound but that my appetite seemed to have increased over the last few days…

HE SAID YES, HE HAD NOTICED.

So he’s watching me scoffing food now? Does he even know what alarm bells that sets off inside my head??? It says to me I’ll show him – bastard! I won’t be living with him soon and I will show him what a low appetite can do … because I know I DO control my appetite… no really, I do.

Fucker – I won’t even be living with him and STILL he has this frigging control over me and this way of totally altering my perception of myself and snapping my self confidence.  I’ve been feeling so positive lately and he has this way of bringing me right back down.

My appetite HAS increased yes. I put it down to the stress bubbles being popped with every day I get closer to leaving my husband “officially” … but I am keeping a very close eye on the scales and the minute it goes up even by a tiny little pound … well we’ll worry about that if when it happens.

Poorly & ill in Ness-Ville!

Well I guess it’s what comes of spending two solid days curled up with a poorly ill small boy … it’s only natural I would come down with it! I’ve been wiped out! Without going into TOO much detail – I’ve had major stomach cramps, wanted to do nothing but sleep … and as for the rest … let’s just say that both ends weren’t very far from a bucket or the toilet at all times!

On the upside – appetite hasn’t exactly been an issue!! That’s one benefit of being ill like that! LOL I actually got new batteries for my scales the day I got ill (before it hit) but as it was the middle of the day I’d promised myself I would wait until the next morning to get a “true” reading.

Before I got the yucky nasty bug, my appetite had been returning slowly and I was beginning to be able to eat more and more (I’ve realised it’s all totally related to being closer to moving day – a week today!) and I had assumed that I would be a couple of pounds heavier, but I got on the scales this afternoon (middle of the day) when I was feeling better (after drinking lots and lots of liquids) and I was 132lbs (9 stone 6) on my 5’8″ height … that is exactly the same weight as I was on October 7th (just re-read through back posts to check) which was BEFORE my appetite started to come back.

See part of me says that is 11 days in which I have NOT lost weight and my original plan was to be at my goal of 9 stone/126lbs  by moving day … but unless I literally eat NOTHING for the next week there is no way I can drop 6lbs … or can I???

The other part of me says that as my appetite has increased and I’ve eaten more on a daily basis over the last 11 days that it is actually GOOD to have maintained my weight. I have to keep reminding myself that thin does NOT equal happy – thin is just a bonus of achieving happy.

I took measurements tonight too – my hips haven’t changed but I’ve dropped another inch from my waist since I last measured on 4th October. I am now 37-27-37 which is apparently a perfect hourglass figure … and TBH if it were toned I think I could even learn to love it!

Sooo … that is the next plan … but that’s a whole other post!!

My weight …

Well my scales have been broken for three days and I have avoided the temptation to buy a new battery. I have absolutely NO IDEA what I weigh. This is good, right?

I dont know … it’s as if over the last few days all I can think about is my new house and moving and how HAPPY I feel right now – and that has cancelled out so many of my negative feelings. Plus … I took in a parcel for a neighbour opposite (at the old house) today and when I saw her pull up in her car, I took the parcel out to her and we ended up having a really good chat! She’d noticed me loading up the car with lots of things over the week and I admitted that I was moving out with the children in just over a week. She laughed and told me she’d commented to her partner that “the woman over the road is looking really good these days!” She told me all about her nightmare divorce, how she had lost a butt load of weight afterwards and we had a good old natter! Funny where you find friends eh!

Well anyway, I HAVE been eating over the last few days. I’ve been having something at lunch and something in the evening. Okay it hasn’t been huge mega amounts, but it’s been more than before – and that is a breakthrough for me.

So being thinner doesn’t necessarily equal happy … but obviously ending my marriage and moving out does … sad huh. I STILL feel fat – don’t get me wrong… but I’ve promised myself all along that I will never starve myself and if I am hungry … I WILL eat. It just seems ironic that the closer I get to leaving this place (ie leaving my STBX husband) and moving into my own place … the less I am obsessed about food.

Or it isn’t irony and it’s just frigging obvious that HE has been the cause of all of my stress!!

Happiness is Ness shaped

I think the physical fight with my husband really forced us both to re-assess just how angry we had been getting with each other. We both apologised and feel ashamed that our behaviour got that far. One thing is for sure and that will never happen again!!

We’ve agreed to drop it and he’s also agreed to the terms for the divorce … well, within reason anyway. He is worried about blame and about being “the bad person” but as I have tried so many times to explain to him … this is why I wanted him to AGREE to the terms of the divorce because what I have come up with reflects breakdown of a relationship rather than “my husband is an asshole!” I would rather have crappy reasons for “unreasonable behaviour” that is the bare minimum for the courts to agree to rather than list full explainations of exactly why I don’t want to be married anymore!

He is still being weird about it – he’s been going on about how the “system” is in my favour as the woman / mother and about how unfair it is that I can divorce him and the court fees be waived, but how it would cost him a bomb to divorce me!! I said fine — divorce ME if he wants!!! I said to him I could very easily come up with half a dozen reasons why I know I am impossible to live with!!

But I’ll save that for another post! LOL

My new house is feeling more and more like home with every box of crap stuff I take over there, and as I am unpacking it all as I go ( to save on boxes more than anything else!!) it really does feel like MY place with every single box! I took several boxes FULL of my clothes, shoes, boots & bags over there today and ohhh did I have fun putting them all away!! My new bedroom is huge (compared to what I am used to!) and I have two double built in wardrobes plus a single wardrobe with shelves ALL to myself!! Well, damnit I tell you what, I am NEVER sharing wardrobe space with anybody else again after I have a double wardrobe for my clothes (yeah what’s left of my shrinking wardrobe doesn’t take up much space!!) plus a whole wardrobe JUST for shoes, bags, belts, scarves and “froofy bits” & accessories! THEN a separate single wardrobe that I haven’t even figured out yet! LOL Currently it has got my nail polish and hair products in and when I move in properly it will house my hairdryer and straighteners! LOL

Oh I love my new house!!!

So anyway I’m in a really good mood as well because I went shopping with my mum for new stuff for the house today too! I’m getting little bits and pieces out of the tax credits payments that I have before I move out as this is my “budget” to set up the house. What did I buy? Ummm … well I love the retro/shabby chic 50s style and my STBX husband HATED it … so everything I bought was along those lines as it is MY house! HAH! I have new mugs, chopping board (so cool – says “many people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead perfectly normal lives!” LMAO Ohhh love it!! I have a new laundry bin, an iron & ironing board (yeah PINK iron for £3.97) from Tesco rock ON! I got new fluffy towels for the bathroom (pink of course!!) a salt & pepper grinder, new bedding (duvet set & sheets), umm tea-towels for the kitchen (yes pink again!!)

Still need curtains – and the whole point of going shopping was to GET curtains! HAH!

Can you tell I am in a good mood?

* tap tap* is this thing even on? Ohhh I love saying that – I say it in the mirror sometimes too!

AND the weird thing about it as well is that I’ve had an appetite today! I was up at my new house earlier unpacking, and came back for lunch because I was hungry!! I had two slices of bread with low fat philly & thin sliced cheese … then this evening I had a few slices of tiger bread (damn we love Tesco!) with at least six mouthfuls of pasta!

Feel happy … have an appetite …. funny that. Gotta be careful I don’t put ON weight, but I can handle this for right now

Bruises – LOTS of them

I noticed last night when I had a shower that I had a lot of bruises on my legs and I counted over 40 small bruises on both legs. Tonight … I got changed into my PJs and looked at my body in my full length mirror and was horrified. I look AWFUL. I am covered in what is probably hundreds of small bruises all over my body and it’s SO nasty to look at. I hate my body anyway, but seeing it so covered in bruises just makes it look even uglier.

There ARE some possible explanations … I am fair haired and fair skinned. My complexion has meant I have always bruised easily, plus I’ve been up to the new house a LOT today with heavy furniture & heavy boxes and have probably banged myself several times, but even so, this is a LOT of bruises over my entire body and there is now MORE than 40 on my legs but I lost count.

I had a look online for unexplained bruising and came across information about how a lack of body fat under the skin doesn’t give the same protection when you get knocked or banged. Apparently bruising is a physical symptom of anorexia.

Does this mean that to be thin I need to suffer with bruising and wrap myself up in cotton wool???? I have lost 44lbs and am finally at a point where I am around 11lbs from being “technically underweight” … and therefore a currently “healthy” body weight, and although I still have a lot of weight to lose and then lots more flabby skin to tone up … I am happier with my body now than I was before … but I have to suffer with bruises in order to be thinner?

How the fuck does that work? How is that FAIR?

… and other reasons why I am leaving him!

I had a shower this evening and went rooting around in my wardrobe for something to wear in bed. Until I officially move out of this house on the 25th, my STBX husband and I share a bed, so I HAVE to wear something for modesty’s sake – he don’t get to see THAT no more!

Anyway, I pulled out a pair of shorts, slipped them on, reached up to pull a t-shirt off the hanger, and as my fingers let go of the waistband on the shorts, they just completely fell off! It made me giggle, so I went into his study to show him how huge they were. I said “look how fat I used to be” and the expression on his face was just “oh my god they are like fucking HUGE – yeah look at how FAT you were”

I said “gee thanks, well you always did say I had a fat arse didn’t you” – he said he hadn’t meant it like that, but he didn’t bother checking if I was okay – he just turned back to his computer.

Now sensible Ness says that he doesn’t have to comment – I’m his STBX wife … but ED Ness knows full well from that expression on his face that I always WAS too fat and that’s why he ignored me, neglected me and rejected me.

It’s just another reminder to myself that leaving this man who does NOT offer me emotional support and who does NOT encourage me to feel better about myself and who does NOT help build my self esteem … well, it’s the best thing I can do – and Grrrr moving day can’t come quick enough!!

AND I ate a “proper” dinner tonight.

Changing the rules

Moving to a new house is a fantastic opportunity to get rid of SO MUCH CRAP. I’m talking physical as well as emotional! I have told my children point blank that once we move house, a lot of things will be changing and we will have new rules for all of us including me.

I’m a smoker … hands up in the air and I smoke in my house. Well … NOT in the new house!! I wanted to show willing to the children, so I have told them I will only smoke in the kitchen during the day, or once they are in bed I can smoke in the lounge with the french doors open.

I’ve also promised them I will curb my swearing. They are well adjusted children and they know it is acceptable to swear once you are an adult, but I probably swear more than I need to. I’ve told them I will have a swear box and I will pay £1 (around $2) into it every time I swear in front of them.

They also know that a lot of things will be changing for them too because they will HAVE to. I’ll be on my own with them at least 6 out of 7 nights a week minimum – and plan is they stay with their dad one week night every week as well as every other weekend. I’ve also told him he can see them as OFTEN as he wants to after school/evenings.

I will need them to help me out. They know at this stage that me staying with their dad is not an option and that life is going to be very different for all of us. I am trying to be positive with them (not in front of my husband) about the move and about how great it is going to be and what a wonderful life we will have. I’m not sure who I am trying to convince half the time!

I’ve told them that they can EARN their pocket money daily by doing chores as well as basic things expected of them. Things like homework needs to be done straight away after getting in from school, bedrooms should be tidied up before they go to bed and they’ll both need to help with clearing the table and doing dishes as we won’t have a dishwasher!! There will be a basic daily rate that they can earn, then EXTRA things for top-up pocket money.

They will be able to buy sweets twice a week – once with me and once with their dad and it HAS to be out of their own pocket money. I need to get STBX to agree on this!

For my son it will be extra things like not having any toileting issues (he is 8 and has Aspergers/ADHD) so if he has a toilet accident he will automatically lose computer privelidges for the rest of the day (that is the current rule that won’t change) but he will also lose the right to any extra pocket money for that day.

My daughter is a different kettle of fish and I’m not sure yet what to set her extra to … currently I am thinking making sure her homework is done (she is in yr 6 age 10- son is in yr 4) but I also feel I want to give her some extra responsibility in return for extra money so she can pay for her own mobile phone top-ups.

All this money would come from my husband’s child maintenance anyway … but if she has the extra money to keep her phone topped up, she can text her dad any time she needs to talk to him … and he can call her back (free calls for him through his company mobile) and she can have any private conversations that she needs to have with her dad.

Does that sound reasonable?

Rules I will also attempt to change for myself is to have some kind of breakfast every single morning from the day I move into that house. The children love Actimel yoghurt drinks and I could probably handle one of those. I will also be buying plenty of fruit as my daughter is a fruit-a-holic, and I will eat at LEAST a banana OR another piece of fruit that I really like and enjoy every day as well (peaches, red apples, melon and any berries).

I can’t promise myself to sit down and eat a dinner with them every night as I am simply never ever hungry at 5.30-6pm. If I haven’t eaten anything all day and I DO feel hungry, it’s generally around 8.30pm that I will eat something, but I WILL sit at the table with them and spend at LEAST 10 mins over their dinner with “family” time.

It should work out that they stay with their dad every other weekend, so every other Friday night that they are with me will be “movie night” and they will both get to pick a rented DVD (plotted the cost in my budget excel spreadsheet!!) and we’ll sit there on the sofa in our PJs with popcorn, M&Ms and whatever.

I’ll be changing bedtimes too – we’ve been quite slack on that recently but I think from going forwards once we’ve settled into the new house … it will be bedtime drink & snack at 8pm and lights off by 8.30 – not counting weekends and school holidays, and of course any night they spend with their dad during the week will probably involve a later night purely because of the time that he gets home from work, but that is all things to be discussed.

I need to stop my late nights and start earlier mornings! My husband is an early riser whereas I am a nightowl, so right from when our children were young, I would take care of anything during the night up to around 4am – at which time I would wake him and then I would sleep through until he had to go to work. Currently he gets up around 7am to get breakfast for the children, he makes their packed lunches and gets himself ready for work. I then get up at 7.45am and take over … I make sure the kids are dressed for school, that they have brushed their teeth and check the diary for PE, swimming or anything that they need to take stuff into school for and organise that. I am out of the house by 8.35am but that involves barely looking in the mirror and just throwing on clothes that are around and I always have 5 mins to spare in the playground before they go in as the “marital home” is just around the corner from the school!

I worked out I will need to get up at 7.30am at the latest to get their breakfast, chuck an actimel yoghurt down my neck as my own breakfast – then while they are eating I can jump in the shower. I can run around and get all of the bits and pieces for their day ready and make their packed lunches while they are doing whatever in their bedrooms and meanwhile my hair is drying wrapped up in a towel turban! According to the current pace and clock … I should be yelling at them to get dressed by 8.10am and then have twenty minutes to straighten my hair and put on some mascara at the very least. I then have another five minutes CLEAR to make sure that they both have shoes on and to check for things I have forgotten. I will then have 5 minutes to drive them to school, but the new house is only 4 minutes drive from school … which still gives me an extra whole minute to allow for the traffic lights around the corner from the new place!

Sooo plan is … alarm set for 7am … snooze till 7.10 then snooze again till 7.20 and get up 10 minutes earlier to allow myself time for a cup of coffee!!

Life as a single mother is going to be hard, but I would rather walk away from an unhappy marriage and go through whatever I need to go through … than stay here for any longer than necessary.

Signed & Sealed

Been over to the new house today to sign the contracts and hand over my deposit and rent in advance. I needed my mother and my husband to be guarantors as I’ll be claiming housing benefit, so they both came with me.

The kids showed her around the house while I sorted out the paperwork, then when she came downstairs I asked her if she thought the place was okay. She said yes, but just wished it all wasn’t happening – and that is pretty much all she said to me. I feel like I have had NO emotional support from my mother whatsoever. She gets on well with my husband and I know she sees it like I am tearing the family apart because she has told me as much! She didn’t even comment on my weight loss (I haven’t seen her in about 3 weeks as we’ve both been busy) and that upset me. If people I see regularly have noticed the latest drop in weight, then for my own MOTHER to not say anything? She battles with her weight as well, and in the past when I’ve phoned her to tell her I’ve lost a few pounds, her response is “Ahhh shut up” because she hasn’t lost anything etc.

My husband … well he stood there staring out of the window with a face like a wet weekend and saying NOTHING . I could tell HE wished it all wasn’t happening … but even at the point we drove over there to sign the contracts … he didn’t turn around to me and say “Ness, let’s give it just one more shot.” He has just been swept along for the ride in all of this and never ever tried to change the direction.

When we got back from the house, he was in a foul mood and stamped around the house yelling at the youngest for something insignificant. I said “If you had something to say to me then you really should have said it before now.” He replied “And what would have been the point? You would have done it anyway.”

Would I? I can’t answer what would have been because you can’t speculate on things unless you are in that situation! You can make a guestimate at how you will respond, but other than that? It’s all hearsay. The other thing with my husband is that he doesn’t ever say what he means, but he also doesn’t mean what he says half the time either. I can’t live like that.

Example – when we went to the marriage counsellor a couple of years ago and he said he was completely over my affair (that was the point that the sexual side had stopped between me and AP) but admitted a few weeks ago that he never was, he just hadn’t wanted to talk about it. Prime example of not saying what he means in an attempt to move on (i.e. bury his head and ignore it.) Example – our first wedding anniversary where he said “well you are a bit fat aren’t you.” He didn’t MEAN that! He didn’t plan or set out to hurt my feelings! He’d been drunk and it just “came out”. Prime example of not meaning what he says and expecting forgiveness because “he didn’t mean it.”

I can’t live like that. I am 33 years old and far too young to be living a life that makes me so miserable and unhappy. I’ve told him so many times and it only ever makes a difference for such a short amount of time. I have been like a scratched CD doomed to replay that last bit over and over and OVER again.

Nope, I’m not going to do it! I’m not going to mope around and be miserable just to keep my family together and make my kids happy. My children don’t want their family split up – I realise that, but I also realise that THEY WILL BE OKAY!! Especially when their mother proves her indepenance to the world herself and figures out how to finally turn off that frigging self destruct button!

I’m going to damned well get out there and make my new house the best home for me and the kids. I am going to make the most of my life and my surroundings and find out what it takes to TRULY make me happy, and I realise that the only way to do that and to recover as a person and as an individual is to do that by myself.

I truly hope that he does too. Much as there is a lot that has gone on between us, I don’t want him to be miserable or unhappy either! I want him to discover his own life and do the things he has always wanted to do as well. I think he also has a lot of soul searching to do, and maybe being forced into a single life will make him reasses himself as well.

On the upside, I ate several food groups today! My husband is a very good cook and decided a few days ago that sunday evening would be a roast dinner. He asked me if it was worth asking me what I wanted and I said that a “proper” meal cooked for me would probably be a good thing. He did roast potatoes, broccoli, carrots and beef. I’m vegetarian so I obviously didn’t eat any of the beef, but I did manage two roast potatoes and a whole piece of broccoli. That was like two food groups in one sitting. Amazing.

I then had dessert too. Yes truly. I ate a portion (albeit a very small one) of calorie laden cheesecake and a couple of spoonfuls of ice cream too.

That’s probably more in one sitting than I’ve had all week. Almost weird isn’t it …

I also didn’t throw up this morning! For anybody who is not familiar, for the past 18 months or so I have been uncontrollably sick in the morning. NOT pregnant and had blood tests to prove I am perfectly healthy and nothing physically wrong with me. Doctor puts it down to stress.

It just struck me as ironic that the DAY I sign the contracts on my new house and my new life … I don’t throw up and I sit down to a proper dinner AND pudding! Ok so the portion size probably wouldn’t have filled up a mouse, but it was progress for me!

I do still want to lose weight … I still desperately want to lose another 8-9lbs and I know then that is my rock bottom healthy weight and I will NOT sink further or lower than that. My new life will be a chance to change ALL of the rules.

My eating disorder is getting worse …

I weighed myself today … HAH that sounds funny. I weigh myself like a million times a day so I don’t know what made me start a post with that. Well, anyway I noticed that the scales have been dropping again after standstill for 4 days. I have lost 42lbs in total and I now weigh 134lbs (9 stone 8lbs / just under 61kg) – I am 5’8″ tall for those that care.

I have been very aware that what originally started as weight loss has rapidly turned into very restrictive eating. It began when I started to be very picky about the foods that I would eat and I had a very bland and basic diet with very little flavour. It also started with a simple “loss of appetite” – I wasn’t eating as much. I was also telling myself that because I did eat when I felt hungry (which wasn’t often) that everything was okay. It wasn’t – it isn’t. It’s so far from fucking okay that I don’t know what to do.

The trouble is, I don’t know what I can do about it because I am not hungry. I feel full up and bloated and it would be like asking someone to eat a 5 course meal and THEN have cheese & crackers with coffee afterwards and maybe some mint chocolate wafers if there is room! I have no desire to eat and no appetite. Food and meals that I used to love and look forward to, I can barely stomach a mouthful of because I don’t ever actually feel hungry. I eat food purely to exist.

I have eaten three quarters of a slice of toast with low fat spread on it today. I only ate that because I realised I hadn’t had anything at all and I knew I should have SOMETHING. I made two slices and couldn’t even manage the whole of one slice!

See, when I think about people “starving themselves” I always imagined rumbling bellies and the “hungry monster” saying FEED ME, but although I realise I am technically starving my body … how can I be starving and not hungry? Just one of my daily battles / issues.

My original starting weight (which wasn’t actually my heaviest) was 176lbs, and then on the 28th July I weighed myself and made a note of my weight and measurements. That was the day I was sitting cross legged on the sofa looking at my bulging fat stomach and hideous body and decided to do something about it. That was the point the ED which had been laying dormant kicked in and reared it’s ugly head. It was only ever meant to be about losing some weight and watching what I ate. It was never meant to turn into uncontrollable anorexic behaviours.

Anyway, the measurements … I was 176lbs at my recorded heaviest ….

28th JULY ’08
11 stone 4 / 158lbs
Waist – 32″
Hips – 44″
BMI – 24.02

TODAY
9 stone 8lbs /134lbs
Waist – 28″
Hips – 37″
BMI – 20.2

I have lost 24lbs – almost 2 stone in the 3 months since I made a note of my weight and measurements on July 28th, and I’ve lost 42lbs in total  -but even that doesn’t count my heaviest, so you can probably add another 10lbs to my total loss. At my heaviest I have no idea what I weighed as I didn’t own scales then (probably didn’t want to know!!), but I remember shopping for a summer dress and buying a UK size 18 (US 14). I was never that heavy for long and then settled around a UK size 14-16 (US 10-12) within the top limits of the “normal” boundaries.

I’ve also dropped 4″ from my waist and 7″ from my hips. I have been through my wardrobe throwing stuff away so many times over the last few months! I now own that I can wear on my bottom half …

My “new size 12 jeans” (which are already loose on the waist)
A pair of Gap size 12 brown jeans
White loose leg draw string trousers size 14

 Yeah .. that’s it. I basically wear my jeans or my Gap brown ones and alternate them in the wash. The white draw string ones look ridiculous on me unless I wear a long top. I have plenty of tops, but I literally have nothing else for the bottom!! I bought the Gap brown jeans from eBay a while ago when I started losing weight so I would have something to wear when I got where I originally wanted to be. When I got them I couldn’t even get them over my hips … then after a while I could slide them over my hips but there was no way they were getting zipped up … then they almost got zipped up … then they fitted perfectly … now they are a little loose around the waist.

According to measurement crap thingies I looked up tonight I am now officially a UK 10-12 (US 6-8) and I am hanging on for that elusive UK size 8 but I think hope I will be happy at a UK 10.

I was overweight for so many years, then I sat at the very top end of the “healthy” weight range for such a long time. With regards to where I am now … well that depends on which website you ask!! I am around 10lbs away from being at the top end of underweight. My current goal is to lose another 9lbs to get to 125. This will give me a BMI of 19 and be at the top end of underweight for my height … but still have a healthy BMI.

People are now really noticing the weight loss and I’m getting comments like … “You look great but you really don’t want to lose any more.” WTF is that supposed to mean? I was too fat and now I am too thin? It’s like all the while you exist within the boundaries of being normal to slightly overweight that you get ignored and overlooked … then when you lose 42lbs and nearly dip into the “underweight” catagory – that all of a sudden people open their eyes to you and feel a need to comment on how you look!

 What worries me … and REALLY worries me is that I am losing weight as a side effect of simply not being hungry. I know I have an issue with my weight and with food … and the doctor diagnosed me with EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified)

I want to lose another 9lbs to get to my goal weight of 125 (8 stone 13) which is still within the boundaries of “normal” for my 5’8″ height … but I am also only 12lbs away from a BMI of 18.5 and 3 missed periods away from going from EDNOS with anorexic bahaviours to diagnosable anorexia nervosa. This is not something I am striving for! Trust me I don’t want to be noticed… I want to disappear into the crowds with my head down and just get on with my life. I want to be thin and slim – yes, but not to the detriment of my physical health (it’s ok I know my emotional health is screwed!!!)

I look at pictures of skin and bones “anorexics” and I do NOT want to look like that. I want to get rid of the flab from my stomach and my hips & thighs. Funnily enough my arse is shaping up okay!! It is SO weird for me to say that because I have hated my bum for years … but with the inches I have lost from my hips, it has made a phenomenal difference, and even with my blindsightedness … even *I* can see that my arse isn’t anywhere near as big as it used to be!

I am SO WORRIED about so many things …

I worry that …

• I am losing too much weight but haven’t lost enough weight at the same time.
• If I lose more than the 9lbs I want to lose to get to my target of 125 or don’t start eating “normally” at that point, then I will be 3 missed periods away from diagnosable anorexia nervosa and that scares me.
• When I reach 125lbs (8 stone 13) I will still feel the need to lose more.
• If I reach 125lbs and am happy with my weight, that I will get fat by eating normally.
• I will never eat normally again.
• That my “self destructive” behaviours will carry on even after I’ve moved out and I won’t have my husband as an excuse.
• I am making a mistake by finally ending the marriage and leaving despite how bad it has got, and that nobody will love me as much as my husband does did.
• That I will never be able to trust anybody in the future. I had an affair – how can I be sure that it will never happen to me? How can I be sure that nobody will cheat on me … and from the other side, how can I reassure someone else that I will never ever EVER do anything like that again and it was purely because my marriage was so awful and my self esteem was so low that I was unfaithful.
• That for whatever reason, the tax credits and the fact I have a business (that doesn’t generate profit currently) will mean I won’t qualify for housing benefit and I will have to move out of my new house and possibly move in with my mother. I have two months rent in advance – in cash to give to the landlady which should easily cover the period till the housing benefit award comes in … and I’ve worked out a way to cover half of the rent myself each month by scrimping and saving … so as long as housing benefit cover HALF of it … I will be okay, but I still worry.
• My son has ADHD & Aspergers. I worry that he won’t be able to cope with the changes and that he will resent me.

Ugh I have so many demons.

Found a house!

I hadn’t expected it to happen quite so quickly. I have been looking for precisely TWO days and that has merely consisted of phone calls and emails. This morning I spotted an ad in the paper from a private landlord that sounded ideal. I called and arranged to view it within the hour. It is within budget, has everything I need and is within the area I want to be in.

*deep breath*

As soon as I walked through the door I felt SOOO weird. I haven’t house shopped for myself in … well umm I never have! I lived with my parents then moved in with my ex. When I left my ex boyfriend, I rented a tiny little bedsit for a about 4 months until I met my current husband and then eventually moved in with him. I’ve never been by myself other than those few months and I have always looked at places to live with my husband since then. There has always been someone else to bounce ideas off of.

I felt so very alone as soon as I went through the door!! I don’t even think it would have made a difference if the house was a palace! Ohhh there was nothing WRONG with it … it was perfect in fact! It just felt WEIRD. The space was perfect for me and the kids, it’s in a good location not far from where we are now and as soon as I took my first look, I knew it was a place that I could live in. It’s a good family sized house and will be ideal for us. Downstairs there is a nice size entrance and hallway, and a huge lounge/diner with sliding patio doors that open onto the garden. The garden … yeah see, outdoor space is important to me, but I also don’t want something too “pretty” that will need too much maintenance! This is an outdoor “yard” but there is a grassy area out the front that the kids can play on.

The kitchen is quite small, but nothing smaller than the one I have now! I don’t need to worry about appliances and there is a lil breakfast bar area too, so I have a feeling that this will be a room I will live in. I told the landlady that I was a non smoker, so I will only be smoking in the kitchen with the back door open.

Upstairs … the bathroom is TINY and the shower is over the bath, but there is a separate toilet, and at the end of the day, the size of the bathroom isn’t the most important thing in the world!

The main bedroom – my bedroom – is MASSIVE!!! It’s MUCH bigger than the bedroom I have now, or any other bedroom I have had before and there are fantastic built in wardrobes that have more room than I will ever need for my rapidly shrinking wardrobe and all of my shoes!!! I loved this room!

The second bedroom is lilac and I automatically assumed it would be perfect for my daughter …. it’s actually a nice size double bedroom. The third room is tiny – a very small single room and it’s blue … so very fitting for my son!

I explained the whole situation to the landlady – about the breakdown of the marriage and how we had tried but it hadn’t worked out … that I needed to claim tax credits and housing benefit … and that didn’t scare her off. Even when I mentioned that I had two cats she said it was fine and would just have it put into the contract that if the house is flea infested then I would be responsible for sorting it out! Can’t say fairer than that!

The weird thing is … the landlady lives out of the country most of the time and only actually arrived back last night. I called her at 8.56am when I got back from dropping the kids at school and I was the first phone call she had. I was the first person to look … and she therefore offered me first refusal.

I was a little concerned about taking the first place I had looked at… but I decided that although it wasn’t “perfect” as in a small kitchen and a tiny third bedroom … that houses within my budget in my preferred area come up so few and far between … that really I HAD to make a snap decision.

I was torn between the devil and the deep blue sea! Here was a house that was PERFECT … that suited my every need and that I knew I could live in and be happy in. The price was right … the area was right … and I had to make a choice.

I told her I would take it but that I needed to show my children and have that conversation with them before I signed anything. She understood that, but also made it clear that this was a house that did rent quickly when it was available and that I literally had a few hours to make my decision.

I called my husband. I told him I’d found a place and asked him to come home early so that we could talk to the kids and take them to see it.

It was hard – hard for him I know, but the kids needed him to be there.

My daughter has known what has been going on as I have kept her informed, but it was really about telling our son. I’m a little annoyed that my husband left ME to do all of the talking, but I had assumed that would be the case. He was so upset. He knew that me and his daddy were splitting up and he actually surprised me with his maturity, but he was still really upset. He wants us to stay together and said that all we needed to do was stay away from each other (ie different ends of the sofa) and then we wouldn’t argue.

It broke my heart, it really did. I always knew I would eventually have to have that conversation with my children, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

The timing was right too - telling them just before going to visit the “new house” – literally half an hour before was perfect. They then were able to focus on being excited about the new place and arguing over who gets the biggest bedroom! Co-incidentally I talked my daughter into taking the smaller room knowing that she and I have a very special bond and that I will share my room with her anyway … that perhaps as she has always has the biggest room, that maybe because her brother was struggling with the separation more than she was – that maybe it would be a nice thing for him to have the biggest bedroom.

I have promised her that it will eventually be the funkiest and coolest tiny little bedroom in the world. We’ll sort out some fab hanging storage and tons of glitter! LOL It also made my son happy to know he was getting the big bedroom. It gives him something to look forward to and that will be a big thing for him.

My husband is taking it hard. I knew it would be difficult for him to look around the house and for the reality to finally sink in. He has hardly said a word to me. Part of me wonders whether the reason he is so quiet is because he doesn’t really want this to happen and that same part of me wishes he would just get down on his knees and lay it on the line… tell me how much he loves me and prove to me that he really does give a shit, but even then … he says nothing. The other part of me then hates him for not even bothering to fight for it even at this stage.

Maybe … just maybe … if my husband had fought a little harder for me and our marriage then things could have been different. Even today … even after going to look at that house and telling the children the bottom line … there was always still the option for him to say to me that he loved me and wanted me enough to stand up and fight for us.

The fact that he didn’t … well that speaks volumes. Even after this second set of marriage counselling where I tell him he buries his head — in front of a therapist – and he denies it … yet 24 hours later he is doing precisely what I predicted. Burying his head.

I know my husband. I have known him for 12 years now and I know that he is asleep upstairs regretting everything … but that he never truly will change. Even if I don’t sign the contract on the new house … nothing ever would really and truly change.

Time for a MAJOR subject change. 

I haven’t felt even a little bit hungry today. I forced myself to eat two slices of bread with low fat cheese spread just after I picked the kids up from school and that was purely so that my daughter would see me eating.

After getting back from looking at the house tonight … the kids announced they wanted pizza. We had some frozen ones in the freezer and the oven has three shelves … ie will cook 3 at a time, so of course I did husband and two kids and as soon as theirs were out, I put mine in.

385 calories - that’s all that was in this plain cheese pizza and I couldn’t even manage quite half of it. I worked out my total calorie intake today was less than 400 calories (not counting the wine tonight, but that’s made from grapes and counts as a food group!!)

But I don’t feel hungry!! I tried SO HARD to eat that pizza tonight. 385 calories really is fuck all for an evening meal by anybody’s standards … I just couldn’t put the food into my mouth. I cut it into 6 slices and managed 2.5. Even that was a struggle.

I worry … I do worry that once I am left to my own devices in a new house and not accountable to anybody that my anorexic behaviours and tendencies will become worse. At the same time, I do NOT want to become so painfully thin that I am ill … and that is just one of the many battles I am facing at the moment.

I also worry about money and finances … and one way I can cut down is to simply have less food in the house. I made an Excel spreadsheet (yeah I love my spreadsheets) to work out a weekly and monthly food shopping budget. I worked out and planned the meals for my kids over a two week period, then used the supermarket websites to plan a shopping budget.

I realised that I had worked out and planned a breakfast, lunch and dinner for myself every single day of the week. Fuck I haven’t eaten that much on a daily basis for around 4 months now. Straight away I was able to literally strip my anticipated food budget in half and that still allowed for a dinner every day plus all the food and biscuits / snacks the kids need.

Oh it is scary. I am scared beyond belief. The reality is that in 2-3 weeks time I could be sat in my own house with just me and the kids … god I have never felt more alone in my life.