Fresh start or a lonely beginning?

I loaded up the car with some bits and pieces to take over to the new house this morning. Just some “stuff” – photos, artwork and personal effects I don’t need in the old house before the move, but seeing my STUFF in there made it all the more real. I really like my new house, and having the keys early to move bits and pieces in is going to make the adjustment much easier.

I am excited about moving and making a completely fresh start… the new place is going to be a “happy house” for me and the kids, but part of me can’t help wishing that it had never actually had to come to this and that makes me feel so incredibly sad.

I’ve talked before about how I feel my husband lives with his head in the sand and only pulls it out when I stick a rocket underneath him. Well it has to be said that signing contracts on a rented house is a pretty big fu*king rocket. Is my husband that “over me” that he couldn’t pull his head out of the sand and tell me that he doesn’t want me to go?? Maybe he IS already over it.

It’s why I know that it has to be the right decision to leave him and make my own life. He has had so many chances over the years to make an effort, to listen and not to be so complacent… and nothing ever did change for long. It’s all the proof I need that things never will change – and I can’t live like that. I KNOW I did wrong – I had an affair … but he was responsible for screwing things up well before I ever did anything wrong, and although it was all so long ago now – it was never dealt with properly at the time – he lied and said he was over it when we went to counselling a couple of years ago… and then recently has pretty much refused to talk to me about it.

I guess both of us knew deep down that our marriage was over back then – but even up until recently I’ve still held out a hope that somehow SOMEHOW it would get fixed, that he would do SOMETHING and we would work it out. Why do I beat myself up like that.

I am scared of being lonely … but then the other part of me remembers that I am pretty much on my own anyway. I see my husband for around 15 minutes in the morning, then for a couple of hours MAXIMUM when he gets home from work, and then briefly before the first one of us goes to bed. I spend my evenings in the lounge and he is upstairs on his computer. We barely see each other … but there will never be the sound of the key in the door and someone calling out a cheery hello as they walk in, and that makes me want to cry. I know it’s going to be the same for him too, and at least I will have the children with me… but it isn’t the same.

Signed & Sealed

Been over to the new house today to sign the contracts and hand over my deposit and rent in advance. I needed my mother and my husband to be guarantors as I’ll be claiming housing benefit, so they both came with me.

The kids showed her around the house while I sorted out the paperwork, then when she came downstairs I asked her if she thought the place was okay. She said yes, but just wished it all wasn’t happening – and that is pretty much all she said to me. I feel like I have had NO emotional support from my mother whatsoever. She gets on well with my husband and I know she sees it like I am tearing the family apart because she has told me as much! She didn’t even comment on my weight loss (I haven’t seen her in about 3 weeks as we’ve both been busy) and that upset me. If people I see regularly have noticed the latest drop in weight, then for my own MOTHER to not say anything? She battles with her weight as well, and in the past when I’ve phoned her to tell her I’ve lost a few pounds, her response is “Ahhh shut up” because she hasn’t lost anything etc.

My husband … well he stood there staring out of the window with a face like a wet weekend and saying NOTHING . I could tell HE wished it all wasn’t happening … but even at the point we drove over there to sign the contracts … he didn’t turn around to me and say “Ness, let’s give it just one more shot.” He has just been swept along for the ride in all of this and never ever tried to change the direction.

When we got back from the house, he was in a foul mood and stamped around the house yelling at the youngest for something insignificant. I said “If you had something to say to me then you really should have said it before now.” He replied “And what would have been the point? You would have done it anyway.”

Would I? I can’t answer what would have been because you can’t speculate on things unless you are in that situation! You can make a guestimate at how you will respond, but other than that? It’s all hearsay. The other thing with my husband is that he doesn’t ever say what he means, but he also doesn’t mean what he says half the time either. I can’t live like that.

Example – when we went to the marriage counsellor a couple of years ago and he said he was completely over my affair (that was the point that the sexual side had stopped between me and AP) but admitted a few weeks ago that he never was, he just hadn’t wanted to talk about it. Prime example of not saying what he means in an attempt to move on (i.e. bury his head and ignore it.) Example – our first wedding anniversary where he said “well you are a bit fat aren’t you.” He didn’t MEAN that! He didn’t plan or set out to hurt my feelings! He’d been drunk and it just “came out”. Prime example of not meaning what he says and expecting forgiveness because “he didn’t mean it.”

I can’t live like that. I am 33 years old and far too young to be living a life that makes me so miserable and unhappy. I’ve told him so many times and it only ever makes a difference for such a short amount of time. I have been like a scratched CD doomed to replay that last bit over and over and OVER again.

Nope, I’m not going to do it! I’m not going to mope around and be miserable just to keep my family together and make my kids happy. My children don’t want their family split up – I realise that, but I also realise that THEY WILL BE OKAY!! Especially when their mother proves her indepenance to the world herself and figures out how to finally turn off that frigging self destruct button!

I’m going to damned well get out there and make my new house the best home for me and the kids. I am going to make the most of my life and my surroundings and find out what it takes to TRULY make me happy, and I realise that the only way to do that and to recover as a person and as an individual is to do that by myself.

I truly hope that he does too. Much as there is a lot that has gone on between us, I don’t want him to be miserable or unhappy either! I want him to discover his own life and do the things he has always wanted to do as well. I think he also has a lot of soul searching to do, and maybe being forced into a single life will make him reasses himself as well.

On the upside, I ate several food groups today! My husband is a very good cook and decided a few days ago that sunday evening would be a roast dinner. He asked me if it was worth asking me what I wanted and I said that a “proper” meal cooked for me would probably be a good thing. He did roast potatoes, broccoli, carrots and beef. I’m vegetarian so I obviously didn’t eat any of the beef, but I did manage two roast potatoes and a whole piece of broccoli. That was like two food groups in one sitting. Amazing.

I then had dessert too. Yes truly. I ate a portion (albeit a very small one) of calorie laden cheesecake and a couple of spoonfuls of ice cream too.

That’s probably more in one sitting than I’ve had all week. Almost weird isn’t it …

I also didn’t throw up this morning! For anybody who is not familiar, for the past 18 months or so I have been uncontrollably sick in the morning. NOT pregnant and had blood tests to prove I am perfectly healthy and nothing physically wrong with me. Doctor puts it down to stress.

It just struck me as ironic that the DAY I sign the contracts on my new house and my new life … I don’t throw up and I sit down to a proper dinner AND pudding! Ok so the portion size probably wouldn’t have filled up a mouse, but it was progress for me!

I do still want to lose weight … I still desperately want to lose another 8-9lbs and I know then that is my rock bottom healthy weight and I will NOT sink further or lower than that. My new life will be a chance to change ALL of the rules.

Control & Happiness

I know that being thin will not necessarily make me happy… but what if nothing ever does? What if I am screwing up my life completely? What WILL it take for me to be able to sit here with a smile on my face and think yes, YES my life is OK and I am happy?

I am due to sign the contracts on my new rented house tomorrow – and then move 3 weeks later. I am worried about that too … worried that once I am there in a different house with the children that life still won’t be right and that I still won’t be happy. In fact my life will be a LOT harder as a single parent – why do I think being alone and miserable in the evening will make me happier than being sat here downstairs while my husband ignores me upstairs? At least I have conversation if I bother to go upstairs and seek it out.

Things are so awkward at home … the “small talk” is getting less and less because – well I am leaving and it is almost pointless as it will all stop soon. We may as well both get used to the fact. What upsets me though is that even though I am signing contracts tomorrow … and handing over a wedge of cash that ties me into a contract at the house … that he never ever did put up a fight for me. I’m not going to say anything to him at this stage – if he did bother to make an effort it would only purely be because I had stuck the rocket under him to pull his frigging head out of the sand.

He won’t change – I refuse to live like that – I have no choice.

Will moving house and leaving my marriage make things better or am I setting myself up for an even worse pattern of self destruction as I prove to myself just how independent I am and how well I can do things by myself.

And then there is food too. My husband knows I eat very little but chooses to say nothing. He cooked tonight – asked me what I wanted and then ignored that and served me a huge plate anyway. I ate three large flat grilled mushrooms.

There are so many reasons why I feel unable to eat. I have eaten three frigging grilled mushrooms today (ok the big size ones, but still) yet I am not hungry. I am not physically starving myself and my “choice” not to eat is definitely mental rather than physical.

Found a house!

I hadn’t expected it to happen quite so quickly. I have been looking for precisely TWO days and that has merely consisted of phone calls and emails. This morning I spotted an ad in the paper from a private landlord that sounded ideal. I called and arranged to view it within the hour. It is within budget, has everything I need and is within the area I want to be in.

*deep breath*

As soon as I walked through the door I felt SOOO weird. I haven’t house shopped for myself in … well umm I never have! I lived with my parents then moved in with my ex. When I left my ex boyfriend, I rented a tiny little bedsit for a about 4 months until I met my current husband and then eventually moved in with him. I’ve never been by myself other than those few months and I have always looked at places to live with my husband since then. There has always been someone else to bounce ideas off of.

I felt so very alone as soon as I went through the door!! I don’t even think it would have made a difference if the house was a palace! Ohhh there was nothing WRONG with it … it was perfect in fact! It just felt WEIRD. The space was perfect for me and the kids, it’s in a good location not far from where we are now and as soon as I took my first look, I knew it was a place that I could live in. It’s a good family sized house and will be ideal for us. Downstairs there is a nice size entrance and hallway, and a huge lounge/diner with sliding patio doors that open onto the garden. The garden … yeah see, outdoor space is important to me, but I also don’t want something too “pretty” that will need too much maintenance! This is an outdoor “yard” but there is a grassy area out the front that the kids can play on.

The kitchen is quite small, but nothing smaller than the one I have now! I don’t need to worry about appliances and there is a lil breakfast bar area too, so I have a feeling that this will be a room I will live in. I told the landlady that I was a non smoker, so I will only be smoking in the kitchen with the back door open.

Upstairs … the bathroom is TINY and the shower is over the bath, but there is a separate toilet, and at the end of the day, the size of the bathroom isn’t the most important thing in the world!

The main bedroom – my bedroom – is MASSIVE!!! It’s MUCH bigger than the bedroom I have now, or any other bedroom I have had before and there are fantastic built in wardrobes that have more room than I will ever need for my rapidly shrinking wardrobe and all of my shoes!!! I loved this room!

The second bedroom is lilac and I automatically assumed it would be perfect for my daughter …. it’s actually a nice size double bedroom. The third room is tiny – a very small single room and it’s blue … so very fitting for my son!

I explained the whole situation to the landlady – about the breakdown of the marriage and how we had tried but it hadn’t worked out … that I needed to claim tax credits and housing benefit … and that didn’t scare her off. Even when I mentioned that I had two cats she said it was fine and would just have it put into the contract that if the house is flea infested then I would be responsible for sorting it out! Can’t say fairer than that!

The weird thing is … the landlady lives out of the country most of the time and only actually arrived back last night. I called her at 8.56am when I got back from dropping the kids at school and I was the first phone call she had. I was the first person to look … and she therefore offered me first refusal.

I was a little concerned about taking the first place I had looked at… but I decided that although it wasn’t “perfect” as in a small kitchen and a tiny third bedroom … that houses within my budget in my preferred area come up so few and far between … that really I HAD to make a snap decision.

I was torn between the devil and the deep blue sea! Here was a house that was PERFECT … that suited my every need and that I knew I could live in and be happy in. The price was right … the area was right … and I had to make a choice.

I told her I would take it but that I needed to show my children and have that conversation with them before I signed anything. She understood that, but also made it clear that this was a house that did rent quickly when it was available and that I literally had a few hours to make my decision.

I called my husband. I told him I’d found a place and asked him to come home early so that we could talk to the kids and take them to see it.

It was hard – hard for him I know, but the kids needed him to be there.

My daughter has known what has been going on as I have kept her informed, but it was really about telling our son. I’m a little annoyed that my husband left ME to do all of the talking, but I had assumed that would be the case. He was so upset. He knew that me and his daddy were splitting up and he actually surprised me with his maturity, but he was still really upset. He wants us to stay together and said that all we needed to do was stay away from each other (ie different ends of the sofa) and then we wouldn’t argue.

It broke my heart, it really did. I always knew I would eventually have to have that conversation with my children, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

The timing was right too - telling them just before going to visit the “new house” – literally half an hour before was perfect. They then were able to focus on being excited about the new place and arguing over who gets the biggest bedroom! Co-incidentally I talked my daughter into taking the smaller room knowing that she and I have a very special bond and that I will share my room with her anyway … that perhaps as she has always has the biggest room, that maybe because her brother was struggling with the separation more than she was – that maybe it would be a nice thing for him to have the biggest bedroom.

I have promised her that it will eventually be the funkiest and coolest tiny little bedroom in the world. We’ll sort out some fab hanging storage and tons of glitter! LOL It also made my son happy to know he was getting the big bedroom. It gives him something to look forward to and that will be a big thing for him.

My husband is taking it hard. I knew it would be difficult for him to look around the house and for the reality to finally sink in. He has hardly said a word to me. Part of me wonders whether the reason he is so quiet is because he doesn’t really want this to happen and that same part of me wishes he would just get down on his knees and lay it on the line… tell me how much he loves me and prove to me that he really does give a shit, but even then … he says nothing. The other part of me then hates him for not even bothering to fight for it even at this stage.

Maybe … just maybe … if my husband had fought a little harder for me and our marriage then things could have been different. Even today … even after going to look at that house and telling the children the bottom line … there was always still the option for him to say to me that he loved me and wanted me enough to stand up and fight for us.

The fact that he didn’t … well that speaks volumes. Even after this second set of marriage counselling where I tell him he buries his head — in front of a therapist – and he denies it … yet 24 hours later he is doing precisely what I predicted. Burying his head.

I know my husband. I have known him for 12 years now and I know that he is asleep upstairs regretting everything … but that he never truly will change. Even if I don’t sign the contract on the new house … nothing ever would really and truly change.

Time for a MAJOR subject change. 

I haven’t felt even a little bit hungry today. I forced myself to eat two slices of bread with low fat cheese spread just after I picked the kids up from school and that was purely so that my daughter would see me eating.

After getting back from looking at the house tonight … the kids announced they wanted pizza. We had some frozen ones in the freezer and the oven has three shelves … ie will cook 3 at a time, so of course I did husband and two kids and as soon as theirs were out, I put mine in.

385 calories - that’s all that was in this plain cheese pizza and I couldn’t even manage quite half of it. I worked out my total calorie intake today was less than 400 calories (not counting the wine tonight, but that’s made from grapes and counts as a food group!!)

But I don’t feel hungry!! I tried SO HARD to eat that pizza tonight. 385 calories really is fuck all for an evening meal by anybody’s standards … I just couldn’t put the food into my mouth. I cut it into 6 slices and managed 2.5. Even that was a struggle.

I worry … I do worry that once I am left to my own devices in a new house and not accountable to anybody that my anorexic behaviours and tendencies will become worse. At the same time, I do NOT want to become so painfully thin that I am ill … and that is just one of the many battles I am facing at the moment.

I also worry about money and finances … and one way I can cut down is to simply have less food in the house. I made an Excel spreadsheet (yeah I love my spreadsheets) to work out a weekly and monthly food shopping budget. I worked out and planned the meals for my kids over a two week period, then used the supermarket websites to plan a shopping budget.

I realised that I had worked out and planned a breakfast, lunch and dinner for myself every single day of the week. Fuck I haven’t eaten that much on a daily basis for around 4 months now. Straight away I was able to literally strip my anticipated food budget in half and that still allowed for a dinner every day plus all the food and biscuits / snacks the kids need.

Oh it is scary. I am scared beyond belief. The reality is that in 2-3 weeks time I could be sat in my own house with just me and the kids … god I have never felt more alone in my life.

My self destruct button

Marriage counselling aside … I have other things going on in my head today that I need to get out on “paper” but I needed to make a separate post about the therapy appointment as it was important.

Okay … I posted yesterday about how the scales had finally dropped another 2lbs, so there I am this morning in the bathroom jumping up and down like a crazy woman (read naked crazy woman) going utterly ballistic because the scales showed a pound GAIN today. I ate half a frigging sandwich yesterday (wholemeal bread, no butter, just low fat cream cheese and half a tomato) and I already knew as soon as the numbers showed up that I would eat nothing and limit my liquid to just water today. That would mean just half a sandwich in 2 days and if that doesn’t get the frigging scales to move then nothing will.

I know I shouldn’t weigh myself every day and obsessively track every frigging detail in excel (I have a very pretty colour coded spreadsheet that I designed to track my weight, measurements and BMI) because I KNOW that it fluctuates. I KNOW I should weigh once a week and measure every 2-3 weeks … but that doesn’t stop me doing it daily, and when it comes to the scales … *sigh* ok, I weigh myself at least 6 times a day as a minimum.

Weighing involves stripping completely naked and removing all jewellery because it all counts. I even realised that if I am weighing myself while I have my period, then I need to remove the tampon because the extra weight of a frigging TAMPON makes a difference. Well it does – everything weighs SOMETHING!!

It was around 4pm this afternoon that I stripped naked in the bathroom and weighed myself yet again. It occurred to me that the thought in my head was definitely a self destruct one – which was ironic after what the therapist had said earlier about my self destruct button and how I punish myself so severely.

Well anyway, the thought I had was … “I am going to weigh myself again to see if I can eat anything.” Like magically starving myself for a day and a half will suddenly magically make me drop 10lbs.

I had dropped 8oz so I “allowed myself” to eat scrambled eggs on toast. I used 2 eggs in the microwave so that there was no fat, and used low fat spread on two slices of toast. I ate exactly half. I know it was exactly half because I spooned out the eggs onto the toast so that it was utterly precise. I knew I would only eat half of it and I HATE WASTE … it just seems to be one of the “things” I have developed, one of my “rules” if you like … that provided I am eating something diet or low fat, and I only eat half of it – then I will lose weight and won’t gain any more.

I KNOW it is wrong. I KNOW it is. The thing is … it doesn’t help. I am an INTELLIGENT woman! I have 13 GCSEs (yes 13 – I went back and did more) and 4 A-levels. I am not stupid. I understand what I am doing to myself. I understand how fucked up it will make my body and I have blogging friends who are so so SO beyond where I want to be with regards to anorexia and being so ill and who are now on the road to recovery … yet here I am on this self destruct journey that I know I control … but daily I am starting to see that it is beginning to control me.

How can I even THINK about being so painfully thin and ill and underweight when I am STILL SO FAT?

The thing is – and this is what scares me … I am beginning to LIKE living with an eating disorder. It almost gives me a reason to feel special even though very few people know the actual extent of it. I like the way that I can’t control a lot of things in my life right now … but one thing I CAN control is my decision to make myself happy with my body by losing weight and being thinner, even though I KNOW from reading blogs like Lola’s that being thin does not necessarily equate to being happy … but when you are still fat it’s hard to believe that truly and deeply… even when you WANT your friends to recover and be healthy and how it really boosts your mood to read about how WELL they are doing in recovery.

I am a UK size 12 (US size 8) which is apparently a very healthy and “normal” weight to be, so I keep telling myself that I am FINE … that it is OKAY because people don’t look at me and see somebody struggling with anorexia … they see someone who has lost weight and is looking good. When I talk about being fat – people look at me with a quizzical expression on their faces as if to say “but you aren’t fat” … and no, I am not as fat as I used to be – I’ve lost 38lbs – almost 3 stone (17kg) but I am still fat.

I stayed out of the house after the therapy appointment today for as long as possible (avoidance), and I knew that by coming home around 5pm that I would be walking into a house full of cooking smells (my husband worked from home today so he cooked dinner for the children) and as soon as I walked through the door, he announced that he hadn’t bothered cooking anything for me because it wasn’t worth it and didn’t want to waste food.

My husband knows about my eating disorder because err he lives with me and also because I wrote him a long email a few days ago describing exactly what I was going through and why I blamed him for a lot of it. I laid it on the line and said his comment to me on our first wedding anniversary was what really kicked it off … (“well you are a bit fat aren’t you”) and even in therapy today when she was talking to me about my ED and trying to help me figure out where it started … I had to admit that before I met my husband, I had a big bum but I had never had any self confidence or body issues.

So back to tonight … I KNEW he wouldn’t have cooked for me but why did he feel the need to make such a big deal of it? He’s known for a long time that I have food / eating “issues” and even after I told him about it … he never did want to talk to me about it.

I also find it SO HARD to eat in front of him. I have issues with HIM and I have issues with FOOD, so to put the two together … well let’s just say pull pin and stand well back. I hate how he watches me take every mouthful and rolls his eyes when I put my knife and fork down on my plate after two mouthfuls. I just stopped eating in front of him. It was just easier. I usually do the kids their dinner early … he sorts himself out when he gets home from work, and I tell the kids I will eat later. It’s weekends and days he works from home that I am caused such anguish with having to try to force food down my throat in front of my children.

It’s not even the children … it’s my daughter. She is ten years old and just entering puberty so her body is changing and developing and she is aware of boys, fashion, peer pressure and her body. I catch her prodding her belly every now and again and it scares the crap out of me that she has noticed my weight loss, noticed my lack of eating and put two and two together. I do NOT want her to go through this, but I also know I am A HEALTHY WEIGHT and not currently at any risk of any danger and I am so DESPERATE to drop another 10lbs or so. I try to make sure my daughter sees me eat and I talk to her a lot about how she has a very healthy diet – she has a lot of fruit & veg and the right amount of naughty stuff for a balanced diet. She also gets plenty of exercise through school and her clubs and I need to keep her focussed on THAT not me.

I think I am doing a good job. She is very grown up for her ten years and I try to treat her like a grown up – just without all of the details. She needs to know that I trust and respect her … because to get respect you have to give it. She’s a good kid and dealing with the marriage breakdown very well. Her younger brother on the other hand is a whole other kettle of fish for a whole other post.

Ugh there is just so much going on in my head. Part of me is wondering even now that if my husband had stopped looking at porn the first time I asked him to … whether we would still be here and whether *I* would be here with my eating disorder. I need to make it clear I don’t actually have an ISSUE with porn when it’s used in a “healthy” relationship … but ours was definitely NOT healthy and he was ignoring me in favour of porn. That’s different.

Then again, if it HAD made a difference, I’d be a lot fatter by now (or at least 38lbs heavier), so maybe this was just meant to be.

I watched a little bit of Lorraine Kelly on TV this morning. I don’t usually watch that and am usually out of the house, but I was taking my time. I caught the end of an interview LK was doing with a recovered anorexic and LK mentioned how if you are going through things like this, then to check the GMTV website for positive information. I looked it up and was HORRIFIED!!! Alongside these very VERY basic articles were adverts from sponsors … about LOSING WEIGHT?!?!?!?!

What does an anorexic REALLY need to see when they are thinking about recovery and positive input? Yeah, they REALLY need to see adverts for Weight Watchers. They would have done better sticking an ad for new cars up there … at least then we could sit here and read their crappy articles and have new car lust instead of new thin lust.

Grrrr pissed me off … sent them a narky email. Never heard back — funny that!

It’s a fine line isn’t it .. my “healthy” weight and my “healthy” BMI of 20 means I do not qualify for a diagnosis of anorexia nervosa, although according to my doctor, I have anorexic behaviours and issues around food and eating. Nope, I am plain ole EDNOS – “eating disorder not otherwise specified” and what makes it worse??? Periods … yeah periods … our ole monthly friend. To qualify for the diagnosis, you need to have missed at least three in a row

My last period finished 3 weeks ago … my current period started just under a week ago… I had just two weeks in between! What the fuck sort of sense does that make? Is it my body’s way of fighting back saying nooo we’re happy being EDNOS till you are thin enough? How does that justify giving me two in a month?!?!

Fat and rejected

So it’s almost 2am UK time and I have been sat here crying my eyes out for the last hour. I feel so utterly rejected and alone… and fat and overweight and … well fill in the rest of the blanks as you feel fit!

My STBX husband and I have had sex twice since I started writing this blog just about a week ago. I only wrote about the first time – maybe I was embarrassed or something … I don’t know why I didn’t mention the second time, but BOTH were initiated by him. Funny really - it’s more than we tended to have sex while we were “married” in inverted commas.

Tonight … as we still share the same bed as it’s comfortable … I said to him that I was feeling horny… and his exact words ….

 ”umm to be honest, I don’t.”

It wouldn’t have mattered what he’d said …. see, I heard “you’re still too fat, nothing like a skinny porn model and I’m not interested.”

He claimed he has trouble separating having sex and making love … so what the fuck was it the last two times when HE was in the mood???? His FAT wife was obviously good enough for him then.

I said “Ohh, well, err ummm that’s okay” … then left it a polite few seconds before rolling over and trying to hold back the tears in my eyes.

What hurts the most is how I lay there waiting for him to fall asleep  so fucking ignorant of my feelings … then I took my pillow and snuck the top cover off the bed. He heard me just as I was about to creep downstairs and asked me what I was doing … I said I was going to the loo … then literally started bawling my eyes out as soon as the lounge door was shut …. and I have heard nothing from him. I’ve been downstairs for about an hour and a half and feel totally ignored and alone.

I’ve calmed down now … but with the volume I was sobbing earlier I am surprised I didn’t wake the entire house. It’s just fucking typical of him. It always WAS on HIS terms and when HE was in the mood. My feelings and my emotions never seem to matter. The discussion that we’d had was that it HAD been just an itch that had been scratched despite how emotional it had made me feel being so close to him like that.

If my marriage ever did have a chance, then my husband rejecting me tonight when I feel so vulnerable and in need of being held … then this would have been it.

The calm after the storm

Ohh I drank a LOT last night. I was so very ANGRY with my husband for everything because I realised that so many of my body issues and the way that I feel NOW go back years and years … and I blame him. He has said some really cruel things to me without meaning to or intending to hurt me at the time, and I have come to realise that some of those things have caused my deep seated anxieties, the issues around my weight and my whole self confidence problem.

** Is that a control thing? It’s easier to blame someone else for my eating disorder than myself?

The funny thing is … I had such a blindingly good day today considering the night I had and the GUILT that I felt over eating that bit of pizza last night. Ohh and I justified that to myself today by only having a sandwich, so I HAVE eaten, but I’ve also compensated for a pizza yesterday. 

Funny, I don’t ever count my alcohol calories … it’s like they are the only necessary food group that I have!

I wore my “comfortable knickers” today. One of the only pairs of underwear I have that still fit me!! (I SO need to go SHOPPING!) from M&S (UK chain store) and they are the black seamless stretchy lycra kind. Not exactly “sexy” but not entirely “unsexy” either, but they ARE the most comfy knickers in the world … Just had to mention that as it’s kinda relevant to what happened later …

I saw AP (my affair partner) today. I haven’t seen him for a couple of weeks since my husband found out that I was still friends with him. Incase you haven’t read my back posts or don’t know the story, I had an affair that started around September 2006 … it lasted around 4-5 months and eventually ended up as a pleutonic friendship when the sexual side dropped off. I haven’t had sex with AP since the affair ended at the start of 2007 although we’ve stayed friends and always been a bit flirty since then. AP always did boost my self confidence – it’s why I fell into an affair with him in the first place. 

There never was anything “romantic” with AP and I never did have any illusions about a life with him if I ever did leave my husband. We were two people who met – who had a need for each other in our respective lives at that time. I wasn’t the only one dealing with self esteem issues either – AP went through a lot of shit with his ex girlfriend… but at the end of the day we always did talk about how there never really was a future for us – it’s why it developed into a friends thing.

The sexual side ended between us because ultimately he wants to settle down and be part of a family … and I was a married woman who represented the things he could never have. But … we’ve always carried on our friendship and a kind of flirting – we’ve always been attracted to each other and I’ve always let him. I guess it’s the self confidence thing… but damnit I always did find him so f***ing attractive!

Anyway, AP didn’t DIDN’T comment on my weight today or hassle me about how much I had eaten. He just asked me if I was okay, then asked me if I was sure … and then he kissed me.

AP’s kisses are something else. They draw me out of whatever world I may be daydreaming into and no matter how much I battle against the thoughts inside me telling me not to kiss him back … I can’t help it. If you have ever been kissed the way you WANT to be kissed, then you know what I am talking about.

Soft at first … gentle and ohh so tender, but with a passion you know is just waiting to get started. Slowly it builds and you both feel it as the desire rises and you feel those fantastic warm glowy feelings that start at your tingly toes and work all the way up and then float right out of the top of your head.

Yeah … it felt good, and for the FIRST time in weeks I actually had a smile on my face!

Nothing happened … well other than a whole lot of kissing … AP has his own “body issues” that he deals with … he has a lump on his groin area – nothing to worry about and nothing infectious – purely a cyst … but he feels uncomfortable and doesn’t want it “seen” or be sexual until he has had a chance to get to the doctor about removing it. .

If anyone understands body issues and not feeling sexual because of the way you look … then I do!

The funny thing is … and this goes back to my comfy knickers that I mentioned earlier … it has been a pure co-incidence that whenever I have worn this particular pair … AP and I have ended up being flirty with each other and I’d mentioned that to him before. He spotted what I was wearing and laughed, telling me I was even wearing my “I’m gonna get horny” underwear! The mad thing is – these are such comfy NON sexual knickers! LOL

I have felt as sexual as a slug until so recently (err today!) Even when my husband and I had drunken sex the other night … I didn’t really feel sexual – that was more of a simple biological urge!! AP just wakes up things inside of me that have been buried for so long – and he makes me feel GOOD.

AP said to me today that the sparkle was back in my eyes again and that it was nice to see. Hell, It was nice to feel.

I am so ANGRY with him

It’s been a long time since I have felt this angry and really there was no just cause for it.

My husband went out tonight. He’s been out a fair bit recently and the friend he went out with tonight … well it just reminded me of a time where he’d been out with this friend in the past before during a time when we really actually were supposed to be working on our marriage. He’d come home and half way up the stairs he’d told me he loved me … then by the time we got upstairs he was telling me it was over. All because of a conversation with this friend. This was two years ago btw.

Trying to be nice I offered to make him a sandwich when he got home from work this evening as he’d said he was hungry … he then proceeded to announce he didn’t need to go to the shop when he took the dog out as there was enough bread for the kids to have breakfast and make their packed lunches.

It didn’t occur to him that there wasn’t enough bread for ME to have something to eat. Then he went out and left me to deal with the kids etc. I spent three hours HUNGRY and he didn’t understand. He had a nice sandwich and some lovely bar food. He probably didn’t deserve or understand my wrath when he got back in, but he did get the full whack of my frustration and resentment towards him.

I don’t even know what happened on this night out … all I know is that the minute he walked through the door I was ready to throw big rocks at him.

The ONLY thing I can think of is that about six minutes before he walked through the door, I’d had a pizza delivery. I was HUNGRY. I weighed up the calories and the cost and decided fuck it … he left me with no bread so I couldn’t have my usual scrambled eggs on toast … so I called a pizza.

The only reason I can really think of for getting so angry is that I got caught eating FOOD. I didn’t actually spend the day starving myself and I got caught eating pizza. Can you believe the shame??? What sort of frigging anorexic am I if I fancy PIZZA? The fact I could only manage two bites has nothing to do with it.

Fancy coming home and finding that someone has EATEN FOOD in your absence! It’s so crap and I know it is … but that is my excuse and I am sticking to it. In reality I know it was because I was eating something so fat and calorie laden and I didn’t want anybody to know about it.

Packing up “the marital home”

It’s official – I am starting to pack up my personal belongings from the “Marital Home”. I knew I wasn’t going to achieve anything today – and in hindsight (damn there it is again) I forgot to take my “happy pill” today. It probably explains my melancholy mood this morning and the fact that I sat on the sofa watching Maury Povitch, Jeremy Kyle & Ricki Lake for three hours after taking the kids to school before I moved again.

I boxed up some of my “non essential” stuff like books, my rubber stamp collection (ouch it hurt to put that all away) and my card making stuff. Three boxes – not much, and I still have two big cupboards full of craft stuff to go through, but it was a start. I only had three big cardboard boxes or I would have done more.

I actually thought my husband would have made more of a comment … it was pretty obvious that all of my “stash” had been cleared out from the bedroom.

My husband – or STBX as I should start calling him … keeps dropping things into the conversation that I am sure he doesn’t mean in a hurtful manner, but they hurt nonetheless. He doesn’t mind picking up some cigarettes for me when he’s going to the shop, or sticking some fuel in the car ”while I am still here” – I never really know how to respond to that.

I wish it were easier … I wish I actually HAD an income instead of a failing business and then I could move out NOW instead of relying on government tax credits to come through. There is still even no guarantee that I will get anything at all … being self employed but taking no income from my business puts me into a very grey area. I haven’t yet thought about what would happen if that were the case … I just can’t even go there. I’d have no choice but to close down the business, forget about my future and get a crappy job JUST to qualify for the tax credits and earn enough to survive as a single parent. Pile of crap huh.

In the meantime it is even worse than limbo. Things between my husband and I are civil but so strained and awkward. It just needs to be over.

Taking me for a fool?

I have definitely reached a stage of “acceptance” as far as my marriage is concerned. My husband and I are both beyond yelling, screaming and shouting at each other and are just trying to get on as human beings until “the situation” can change.

The current plan is that as soon as the tax credits award comes through (anywhere up to 5 weeks time), I will move out of the house with the children into rented accomodation as I will be entitled to Housing Benefit … and financially a better option than for my husband to move out. My husband will stay in the house and redecorate it – then it will go on the market and basically he’ll be sitting here waiting for it to sell in a nice comfortable house.

A friend of mine pointed out today that my husband will have a very cushy life while I will be struggling on a fixed income as a single mother and not able to dedicate the time to re-establishing my business because of the childcare issues. My husband will gets to stay in the “Marital Home” and he has already mentioned that he feels I should pay for half of the decorating costs … PLUS husband wants to keep pretty much all of the furniture because “the house will sell better” that way.

I don’t know … maybe I am just a little bitter about it all and part of me wants that fresh start in a completely new place … but as my friend pointed out, if my husband is expecting me to move out so he gets to carry on living here … as well as being weird over furniture … AND expect me to contribute towards decorating costs … isn’t it reasonable of me to expect him to at least make sure the house his children is living in is basically furnished!!! One thing is for sure – we can’t keep living together until it is sold. With the way the housing market is … that could take at LEAST months if not longer… and it just isn’t an option.