The Final Irony

Well, I sobbed long into the night and then woke up with eyes like piss holes in the snow after about two hours of very disturbed sleep. I am very tired and look like shit. This isn’t actually a “see it different in your head than it is in the mirror” thing either – I have very red puffy eyes, my eyes are slitty, I’m exhausted and I look like I have been crying all night! Funny that!

My husband heard my middle-of-the-night sobbing and came downstairs around 3am to talk. The general concensus from him is that he thought this was all a done deal and that there wasn’t anything to talk about. He was very matter of fact and I felt utterly destroyed.

It’s ironic really … when it all first started going wrong, our mis matched sex drives resulted in sex going completely out of the window and him rejecting me sexually in bed. THEN when we are in the process of separating .. he dangles a sex carrot in front of me – sleeps with me because it is convenient for HIM – and then rejects me when I suggest getting out the carrot and scratching the itch again!!

I don’t know that I am capable of separating sex and intimacy … and I think I am being way too clingy, needy and desperate. And fat of course.

Sex and complications

Can sex ever just be sex for the sake of it?

I was feeling very vulnerable last night – that much is obvious from reading back through what I wrote. I’d had a few glasses of wine and was a little bit squiffy to say the least. It hadn’t been planned and I don’t even really remember how exactly it did happen …

My husband and I are still sleeping in the same bed because it is a comfortable bed and it makes no sense for one of us to sleep on the sofa when we are adults and we don’t physically hate each other. Last night I was feeling so down and as we were laying there I admitted something I missed was having someone hold me and tell me it would all be okay.

He looked at me and said “Ness, it will be okay.” My reply was that it wasn’t the same. He said something along the lines of “a hug can be just a hug” and motioned to me to go closer. I snuggled into his arms and it felt warm and familiar.

I don’t remember exactly the lead up to what happened next … it was late, we’d both had a few drinks and apparently having sex seemed like a good idea! Well it was a good idea – at the time! He didn’t take advantage of me or anything – in fact I think the whole thing came as a bit of a surprise to the pair of us.

The trouble is … this morning I now find I have an added complication. I had just JUST got to the point where I was accepting that my marriage was over and mentally moving out and bringing frigging boxes home to start packing things up. Then I go and have sex with my husband!!

We did briefly talk about it this morning before he left for work – he said he almost felt the need to apologise for it being err quick and selfish was the way he put it (ie I didn’t come) but I said it hadn’t been about me having an orgasm and that I’d actually just needed a shag! His words were that I’d had an itch and he’d scratched it, but I wonder how much of that is the truth.

Does it have to mean anything?

I miss it …

Intimacy I mean and conversation.

That’s what I miss … someone to tell everything to and hold me when I am feeling low. It’s not even a sexual thing, it’s just about being close to another human being and I miss it.

I talked to BF today (my good girlfriend) but our conversation was so brief and we didn’t really get a chance to even touch the surface on what we’ve both been through recently. She broke up with her long term boyfriend recently too and I have been so utterly pre-occupied over the last two weeks that I haven’t had a chance to talk to her about it. I am a crappy friend.

She noticed my weight loss – it was the first time in a while I hadn’t worn overalls to work (what I do is messy – it’s easier) so the baggy overalls had hidden my changing shape. It felt good that someone had noticed.

*sigh* I am in a weird place right now and I’m not entirely sure how I feel. My husband keeps mentioning things like “when you move out I’ll be doing x,y and z to the house” and things along those lines and I do very much feel like a stranger in my own home. I think mentally I’ve moved out … or at least I am starting to. I bought boxes home today to start boxing up things like books, my craft stuff and summer clothes that I definitely won’t need before I move! I didn’t get around to actually boxing anything up, but it was cathartic to bring the big boxes home.

My husband and I are definitely avoiding eachother. He leaves the house at 8am in the morning and it’s kind of arranged that he sorts the kids out first thing when he gets up, and then I take over from 7.45am, so I see him for 15 minutes in the morning. I see him then for maybe half an hour when he gets in from work … and perhaps 2-3 minutes before I go to bed. Conversation is strictly limited to things about the children and what plans either of us have for the next couple of days so that we can conveniently avoid each other further!

I am feeling alone, insecure and confused… I realise that … and because of that I am clinging to the memory of what once was – but it is also what can never be again. I tried so hard with my marriage and at the end of the day I do harbour so many feelings of resentment towards my husband. I blame him for not listening to me. I blame him for ignoring me and using porn and I blame him for the reason why I looked elsewhere.

I blame him for so much, and although there is so much about our marriage that I miss, I know I will never get over that despite the fact that *I* had an affair and ultimately I was the one that broke our marriage vows. We didn’t stand there and say “I promise never to wank to porn” … we said “foresaking all others.”

Shameful isn’t it and trust me I feel shitty for feeling that way. The truth is, if it had been the other way around and my husband had done the things I had done, I would have kicked his ass to the curb a long time ago. I am full of guilt about it too. As a parent you try to teach integrity, honesty and truth, and all the while in the back of your mind is “you had an affair and you told LIES.“ 

I have a lot of soul searching to do before I can get over that one. I KNOW that my marriage is over and that even if we were to try again at this point … then it never could work with even the best therapy in the world. There is just too much water under the bridge and we have both already started to move on.

I can’t ever imagine being intimate with anybody else ever again … in a romantic sense I mean. It’s just not a place that I am in mentally or emotionally and I just need to be by myself for a long – LONG time. The thought of letting somebody close enough to really get to know me – when I don’t truly know myself … *big sigh*

On the upside, I did feel better for going into work for a bit earlier. I didn’t actually achieve much, but I did enough to make myself feel good about accomplishing something for the day.

I ate “properly” today too and I feel okay about it. I weighed myself at night (big mistake) and the scales showed a gain of 3lbs but I know that was only because I was weighing in the evening and I’d *just* had something to eat plus I’d drunk a pile of water and coffee during the day so I KNOW that is the only reason the scales said that.

I had a cucumber sandwich around 2pm and then I ate a filo pastry mushroom thing this evening. It’s the most I have eaten in days. It’s just easier to eat something small in front of someone than avoid talking about why I haven’t eaten.