Packing up “the marital home”

It’s official – I am starting to pack up my personal belongings from the “Marital Home”. I knew I wasn’t going to achieve anything today – and in hindsight (damn there it is again) I forgot to take my “happy pill” today. It probably explains my melancholy mood this morning and the fact that I sat on the sofa watching Maury Povitch, Jeremy Kyle & Ricki Lake for three hours after taking the kids to school before I moved again.

I boxed up some of my “non essential” stuff like books, my rubber stamp collection (ouch it hurt to put that all away) and my card making stuff. Three boxes – not much, and I still have two big cupboards full of craft stuff to go through, but it was a start. I only had three big cardboard boxes or I would have done more.

I actually thought my husband would have made more of a comment … it was pretty obvious that all of my “stash” had been cleared out from the bedroom.

My husband – or STBX as I should start calling him … keeps dropping things into the conversation that I am sure he doesn’t mean in a hurtful manner, but they hurt nonetheless. He doesn’t mind picking up some cigarettes for me when he’s going to the shop, or sticking some fuel in the car ”while I am still here” – I never really know how to respond to that.

I wish it were easier … I wish I actually HAD an income instead of a failing business and then I could move out NOW instead of relying on government tax credits to come through. There is still even no guarantee that I will get anything at all … being self employed but taking no income from my business puts me into a very grey area. I haven’t yet thought about what would happen if that were the case … I just can’t even go there. I’d have no choice but to close down the business, forget about my future and get a crappy job JUST to qualify for the tax credits and earn enough to survive as a single parent. Pile of crap huh.

In the meantime it is even worse than limbo. Things between my husband and I are civil but so strained and awkward. It just needs to be over.

Flogging a dead horse

I think I am having one of “those” days today. I can’t get into work as my husband has the car and part of me is relieved because it means that other than the school run I don’t have to leave the house. I could walk down there … it’s only a 40 minute walk … but to be truthful I can’t face it today.

This house is an absolute shit hole and I am fed up with being the one who has to clean it all up. I’ve done it before where I “went on strike” and just quit picking up after everyone else for a few days … and nobody noticed until I gave in and cleaned it all up myself. Even then a couple of days later it all looked a mess again.

It’s different this time though … as soon as my husband and I had reached the agreement that our marriage was over and that I would move out of the house with tax credits and claim housing benefit on a rented place …. I felt different about this house. Why should I keep cleaning it and tidying everything up? I won’t be living here soon. It won’t be my home any more.

I can’t wait to get into a place of my own – just me and the kids and not have to yell at anyone else for not doing their own fair share.

Stress bubbles

I woke up feeling VERY panicked and anxious this morning and I don’t want to go into work. I don’t have huge amounts to do, but I do have enough to be getting on with, plus I need to make a start on packing it all up ready to move it to my mother’s. I just feel like I can’t face it right now. I’ve been back on my “happy pills” (anti depressant) for about a week, so hopefully they will kick in soon.

Stress for me involves very physical and very real symptoms. The best way to describe it is like those butterflies you get in the pit of your stomach when you are apprehensive about something. I call them my stress bubbles as that is just what it feels like. I feel them inside my stomach rising up from the bottom all the way up to the top, and I physically shake as well. Emotionally it is almost like a feeling of impending doom. It isn’t good. When it happens I just want to shut the world out – I don’t want to answer the phone or the doorbell

I am just full of apprehension and anxiety about the future and how I will cope and where I will get the emotional strength from. I KNOW I will cope because I will have to and I won’t have any choice, but the longer this is dragging out and we are having to live here in this house together … it is just getting worse. We are pretty much avoiding each other as best as we can.

On the upside, we did have a discussion about furniture etc and he apologised for being bitter and said I should take what I needed as long as I didn’t strip the house bare! I said I never intended to … I already have a sofa, cupboards, shelves & storage in my office at work that I’ll take … so all I really want from the house is the double bed, the dining table & chairs, the TV from upstairs and the stuff from the kids’ rooms plus my own personal posessions! The rest is just stuff.

As long as I have everything the kids will need, plus somewhere for me to sit and somewhere to lay my head – I’ll be fine.

Okay with that positive thought in mind, I AM going to go into work and start packing it up. At least if I do a couple of hours of clearing out and boxing up, then it will boost my mood later on as I will have achieved something.

Ohhh and another positive thought is that I am 9 stone 12lbs (138) today so that’s another pound gone. The scales were waivering between 137 and 138, but I picked the top number because tomorrow it may be flat on the bottom number :-) There we go … closing on a positive thought.

Taking me for a fool?

I have definitely reached a stage of “acceptance” as far as my marriage is concerned. My husband and I are both beyond yelling, screaming and shouting at each other and are just trying to get on as human beings until “the situation” can change.

The current plan is that as soon as the tax credits award comes through (anywhere up to 5 weeks time), I will move out of the house with the children into rented accomodation as I will be entitled to Housing Benefit … and financially a better option than for my husband to move out. My husband will stay in the house and redecorate it – then it will go on the market and basically he’ll be sitting here waiting for it to sell in a nice comfortable house.

A friend of mine pointed out today that my husband will have a very cushy life while I will be struggling on a fixed income as a single mother and not able to dedicate the time to re-establishing my business because of the childcare issues. My husband will gets to stay in the “Marital Home” and he has already mentioned that he feels I should pay for half of the decorating costs … PLUS husband wants to keep pretty much all of the furniture because “the house will sell better” that way.

I don’t know … maybe I am just a little bitter about it all and part of me wants that fresh start in a completely new place … but as my friend pointed out, if my husband is expecting me to move out so he gets to carry on living here … as well as being weird over furniture … AND expect me to contribute towards decorating costs … isn’t it reasonable of me to expect him to at least make sure the house his children is living in is basically furnished!!! One thing is for sure – we can’t keep living together until it is sold. With the way the housing market is … that could take at LEAST months if not longer… and it just isn’t an option.