The “divorce” ball is rolling

Warning – long bitch / vent / whinge … you may want to get comfy. Ugh I have to say I feel like I have been fighting a losing battle with my STBX husband with regards to trying to NOT be a complete bitch and trying desperately to be amicable. I want nothing more than our divorce to be as painless as possible for the pair of us - to NOT take him to the cleaners for every penny he hasn’t got … and for it to be over as quickly as the courts will allow… but his refusal to discuss ANYTHING with me has just ground me down to the point that I have now instructed a solicitor.

I sent him an email a few days ago with what I considered to be very reasonable “non blame” reasons for “unreasonable behaviour” as the grounds for our divorce. I sent the email so that he would have it in writing and be able to respond to it. Well … last night I asked him about it and he admitted he hadn’t even READ the email despite me telling him it was in his inbox as soon as I sent it. Yet again another prime example of how he buries his head and ignores things.

He has just wound me up to the point of despair. I was prepared to use an online service (highly recommended) and have it all over, done and dusted as cheaply as possible. I even told him I was prepared to pay the £200 for a managed divorce with a clean break order (to organise the finances and the marital home) and that all he had to do was agree to the terms I’d set out for the unreasonable behaviour. That way it wouldn’t even cost HIM a penny for the divorce. I even said in my email that if he wanted to amend or change anything to let me know and I would re-word it and send it back to him. I was making a HUGE attempt at civility and he didn’t even bother reading it.

Quarter to midnight last night he comes downstairs ….

ME – SO are we going to talk about this email?
STBX – Look, it’s quarter to midnight and I refuse to discuss it with you right now.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR that fucked me off big time. He ignores my email for 3 days and then refuses to have a conversation about it???? I didn’t even put anything bad like how he refuses to listen to me, refuses to communicate and buries his head or about his emotional/mental cruelty with calling me fat and being unsupportive!! I worded it very carefully about the relationship breakdown to make sure that it wasn’t one sided or heavily blaming HIM. You need to give the court 5 or 6 reasons and short paragraphs to get divorced for unreasonable behaviour, and without going into detail I came up with …

Breakdown of communication
Both H and W have significantly changed as people over the almost 11 year marriage. Differences in personality now reflect difficulties in talking and communicating about relationship troubles. H is unable to discuss feelings/emotions whereas W likes to talk about problems.

Lack of intimacy
Intimacy (kisses, cuddles and non sexual touching) is non-existent

Lack of a sexual relationship.
Due to a lack of intimacy, any sexual relationship is impossible. H or W have attended several marriage counselling sessions through Relate but agree that neither wish to continue any form of sexual relationship with the other.

Financial disagreements
H & W have very different opinions on how the household budget should be spent. This has resulted in disagreements and arguments over finances.

Personal Habits/Hobbies.
H & W both have separate hobbies/interests and have grown apart as individuals.

Refusal to live together
Both H and W have reached a point where they can no longer tolerate living together. W has a new address where she will live with the two children from the marriage and H will remain in the marital home to prepare it for immediate sale as soon as possible.

THAT’S IT!!!! That is ALL I asked him to agree to and he wouldn’t even look at it and then threw it in my face and started being an ass when I asked for communication and a conversation about the things that HE wanted in there!

He seems very surprised that I want to kick it all off so quickly, but as far as I am concerned it isn’t quickly at all!! I woke up not long after my 30th birthday and realised that I was unhappy in my marriage. YES I had a couple of one night stands and YES I had an affair, but I can also hold my head up HIGH and know that I tried damned fucking hard to work on my marriage.

I’m 33 now. I’ve been living like this for the last three years and I am simply not prepared to sacrifice myself any longer. It may take me a long time to make decisions, but once they are made – well they are made and I see no point in dragging it out once I’ve finally stopped procrastinating and decided what the fuck to do!

SO … his utter refusal to talk to me left me with no choice. I am on tax credits and will qualify for legal aid. He will have to pay a solicitor every step of the way. He COULD have got away with so much because my solicitor told me over the phone that what I had come up to was VERY fair on him, but not so fair on me! If he had been prepared to READ the frigging email, to wake up and pay attention then it could have cost him fuck all.

As it is, I have said to him that I still do not plan on taking him to the cleaners for every penny that I know he doesn’t have! Even though he has done nothing but demonstrate that he can be a complete shit, I am STILL trying so HARD not to be a BITCH!!! 

I decided to see a “proper” solicitor so that I can cover my own back as he will be living in the matrimonial home with my name on the mortgage … as well as making sure the children (HIS children) will be financially taken care of. The thing I need to consider is the possible negative equity that the property could be in at the point of sale and whether I may be better off having my name taken off the mortgage and an agreement drawn up that he is to give me a percentage of any equity instead of me being jointly responsible should he run the marital home into the ground or default on the mortgage.

There is a LOT to consider and it’s why I am happy to let a solicitor be in charge of it all. I really do NOT want to be a bitch because at the end of the day although STBX was – let’s face it – a lousy husband … he is not a bad person overall and I don’t want him to end up in a cardboard box of a bedsit because I have taken him to the cleaners.

The thing is, he doesn’t GET this at all. All he does is to get shitty and defensive with me and I’ve had enough now. Whatever my solicitor recommends I should do … I will do. Damn I pity the poor woman that he next gets involved with. I pray that he never does because his “bury his head and deny it every step of the way” attitude is no way to be in a long term relationship let alone a marriage!

It’s probably also the reason why I am his third wife. Ohh did I not mention that before? No children from previous marriages, but both of his ex-wives were unfaithful to him. Kinda makes you wonder why really … no, really … if two women before me have married this man and promised to be faithful – then what the FUCK is wrong with him???

See I had these doubts about him before I married him. I don’t know – maybe I thought nothing better would ever come along – my ex boyfriend was an ass that neglected me too… and maybe I thought that STBX would be different? The thing is … in retrospect (damnit that is such a useful tool!) the signs were there from SO early on. Promises he made that he never kept … things he said to me and the way he deflated my self confidence. I should have left him then…. after our first wedding anniversary when he called me FAT … or a few months later when he couldn’t get an errection and I supported him 100% even though at the time MY orgasm as far as he was concerned was – hang on – let me word this correctly ….

My husband had given me orgasms with his fingers in the past … he was going down on me (rare occasion!) and I had an earth shattering orgasm. His words were “well that’s a treat! If you get that every time then you will get used to it!”

Yeah I should have left him then too.

Ah well, no point dwelling on those what-ifs anymore!!! The point is I am DONE here. I really and truly have had enough of this man that is a shit and an asshole and who refuses point blank to have conversations with me!! I have an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow morning and as far as I am concerned it is to start the ball rolling and kick off the divorce to have papers served to my husband as soon as possible.

Taking the bull by the horns

The more I start to prepare for my new life in my new house, and the more my husband is just his usual self … the more I am SO ready for this. I did a few car trips up there today and once I’d unloaded everything, I must have spent a good 20 minutes upstairs just staring out of the window! I wasn’t even looking at anything in particular – just staring blankly into nothingness. It felt good though. Standing in MY house in MY bedroom with MY stuff around me.

It’s starting to feel like home already and I can’t wait to live there “properly” … I still need to organise a fridge, a freezer, washing machine and find some man muscle with a van to help move my bed out … but I am getting there! I am just so grateful to have the keys early!! It’s made a huge difference.

So yes … it’s all rather positive in Ness-Ville at the moment!

I even called my mother up this evening to go to Asda as I had an urge to buy new curtains for my house! I didn’t get curtains, but I did get some very funky mugs, a chopping board, corkscrew, can opener, some cool retro containers and some just funky “froofy” bits to make a house feel like home!!

Ohh and I showed my a friend my bruised legs and she convinced me to go to the doctor. Bloody doctor was useless - as soon as she found out I’d been moving house, she pretty much dismissed me saying if it gets worse to go back. Waste of frigging time that was!

I’m really tired tonight – so just a brief update and I am off to get some beauty sleep!

… and other reasons why I am leaving him!

I had a shower this evening and went rooting around in my wardrobe for something to wear in bed. Until I officially move out of this house on the 25th, my STBX husband and I share a bed, so I HAVE to wear something for modesty’s sake – he don’t get to see THAT no more!

Anyway, I pulled out a pair of shorts, slipped them on, reached up to pull a t-shirt off the hanger, and as my fingers let go of the waistband on the shorts, they just completely fell off! It made me giggle, so I went into his study to show him how huge they were. I said “look how fat I used to be” and the expression on his face was just “oh my god they are like fucking HUGE – yeah look at how FAT you were”

I said “gee thanks, well you always did say I had a fat arse didn’t you” – he said he hadn’t meant it like that, but he didn’t bother checking if I was okay – he just turned back to his computer.

Now sensible Ness says that he doesn’t have to comment – I’m his STBX wife … but ED Ness knows full well from that expression on his face that I always WAS too fat and that’s why he ignored me, neglected me and rejected me.

It’s just another reminder to myself that leaving this man who does NOT offer me emotional support and who does NOT encourage me to feel better about myself and who does NOT help build my self esteem … well, it’s the best thing I can do – and Grrrr moving day can’t come quick enough!!

AND I ate a “proper” dinner tonight.

The positive “What If’s” …

I’ve concentrated so much on the negative side of leaving my marriage and moving out on my own with the children. I’ve got so down and depressed about it all, but a comment on a post I made a few days ago about control & happiness has helped me to look at it differently. I’m in much better spirits

The comment from Leftywritey was …

“Let’s do the what ifs, but like this: what if listening to your intuition does give you a more peaceful, happier life? What if something does make you happy, a bunch of wonderful somethings, and in you doing what needed to be done, no matter how hard it was, it changed your life completely?

What if, because of all of those things, the eating disorder was vanquished?

What if you found love with a guy who is there for you, loves you and shows it, would fight for you, understands you and supports you?”

She is so right. I am so SO scared of not being able to cope and feeling lonely, but in my heart I have known for years that my marriage is over. My husband never did try – he never did fight for me and I DESERVE a man who will do that. I don’t doubt for a minute that he loved me more than anything in the world, but I don’t think just love alone is enough. I needed real support.

So let’s look at this positively …

I can’t be any more lonely than I am now – I have been desperately lonely in my marriage for so long – and that is both emotionally and physically. I’ve been neglected and ignored and I now have an opportunity for a completely fresh start – a new beginning and to start completely over. Not many people get that. No more hiding in the shadows – this girl is coming out of her shell and she is going to rock this world!!

I also do NOT need a man – I have a box full of vibrators and I have a pink tool kit :-p

Changing the rules

Moving to a new house is a fantastic opportunity to get rid of SO MUCH CRAP. I’m talking physical as well as emotional! I have told my children point blank that once we move house, a lot of things will be changing and we will have new rules for all of us including me.

I’m a smoker … hands up in the air and I smoke in my house. Well … NOT in the new house!! I wanted to show willing to the children, so I have told them I will only smoke in the kitchen during the day, or once they are in bed I can smoke in the lounge with the french doors open.

I’ve also promised them I will curb my swearing. They are well adjusted children and they know it is acceptable to swear once you are an adult, but I probably swear more than I need to. I’ve told them I will have a swear box and I will pay £1 (around $2) into it every time I swear in front of them.

They also know that a lot of things will be changing for them too because they will HAVE to. I’ll be on my own with them at least 6 out of 7 nights a week minimum – and plan is they stay with their dad one week night every week as well as every other weekend. I’ve also told him he can see them as OFTEN as he wants to after school/evenings.

I will need them to help me out. They know at this stage that me staying with their dad is not an option and that life is going to be very different for all of us. I am trying to be positive with them (not in front of my husband) about the move and about how great it is going to be and what a wonderful life we will have. I’m not sure who I am trying to convince half the time!

I’ve told them that they can EARN their pocket money daily by doing chores as well as basic things expected of them. Things like homework needs to be done straight away after getting in from school, bedrooms should be tidied up before they go to bed and they’ll both need to help with clearing the table and doing dishes as we won’t have a dishwasher!! There will be a basic daily rate that they can earn, then EXTRA things for top-up pocket money.

They will be able to buy sweets twice a week – once with me and once with their dad and it HAS to be out of their own pocket money. I need to get STBX to agree on this!

For my son it will be extra things like not having any toileting issues (he is 8 and has Aspergers/ADHD) so if he has a toilet accident he will automatically lose computer privelidges for the rest of the day (that is the current rule that won’t change) but he will also lose the right to any extra pocket money for that day.

My daughter is a different kettle of fish and I’m not sure yet what to set her extra to … currently I am thinking making sure her homework is done (she is in yr 6 age 10- son is in yr 4) but I also feel I want to give her some extra responsibility in return for extra money so she can pay for her own mobile phone top-ups.

All this money would come from my husband’s child maintenance anyway … but if she has the extra money to keep her phone topped up, she can text her dad any time she needs to talk to him … and he can call her back (free calls for him through his company mobile) and she can have any private conversations that she needs to have with her dad.

Does that sound reasonable?

Rules I will also attempt to change for myself is to have some kind of breakfast every single morning from the day I move into that house. The children love Actimel yoghurt drinks and I could probably handle one of those. I will also be buying plenty of fruit as my daughter is a fruit-a-holic, and I will eat at LEAST a banana OR another piece of fruit that I really like and enjoy every day as well (peaches, red apples, melon and any berries).

I can’t promise myself to sit down and eat a dinner with them every night as I am simply never ever hungry at 5.30-6pm. If I haven’t eaten anything all day and I DO feel hungry, it’s generally around 8.30pm that I will eat something, but I WILL sit at the table with them and spend at LEAST 10 mins over their dinner with “family” time.

It should work out that they stay with their dad every other weekend, so every other Friday night that they are with me will be “movie night” and they will both get to pick a rented DVD (plotted the cost in my budget excel spreadsheet!!) and we’ll sit there on the sofa in our PJs with popcorn, M&Ms and whatever.

I’ll be changing bedtimes too – we’ve been quite slack on that recently but I think from going forwards once we’ve settled into the new house … it will be bedtime drink & snack at 8pm and lights off by 8.30 – not counting weekends and school holidays, and of course any night they spend with their dad during the week will probably involve a later night purely because of the time that he gets home from work, but that is all things to be discussed.

I need to stop my late nights and start earlier mornings! My husband is an early riser whereas I am a nightowl, so right from when our children were young, I would take care of anything during the night up to around 4am – at which time I would wake him and then I would sleep through until he had to go to work. Currently he gets up around 7am to get breakfast for the children, he makes their packed lunches and gets himself ready for work. I then get up at 7.45am and take over … I make sure the kids are dressed for school, that they have brushed their teeth and check the diary for PE, swimming or anything that they need to take stuff into school for and organise that. I am out of the house by 8.35am but that involves barely looking in the mirror and just throwing on clothes that are around and I always have 5 mins to spare in the playground before they go in as the “marital home” is just around the corner from the school!

I worked out I will need to get up at 7.30am at the latest to get their breakfast, chuck an actimel yoghurt down my neck as my own breakfast – then while they are eating I can jump in the shower. I can run around and get all of the bits and pieces for their day ready and make their packed lunches while they are doing whatever in their bedrooms and meanwhile my hair is drying wrapped up in a towel turban! According to the current pace and clock … I should be yelling at them to get dressed by 8.10am and then have twenty minutes to straighten my hair and put on some mascara at the very least. I then have another five minutes CLEAR to make sure that they both have shoes on and to check for things I have forgotten. I will then have 5 minutes to drive them to school, but the new house is only 4 minutes drive from school … which still gives me an extra whole minute to allow for the traffic lights around the corner from the new place!

Sooo plan is … alarm set for 7am … snooze till 7.10 then snooze again till 7.20 and get up 10 minutes earlier to allow myself time for a cup of coffee!!

Life as a single mother is going to be hard, but I would rather walk away from an unhappy marriage and go through whatever I need to go through … than stay here for any longer than necessary.

Control & Happiness

I know that being thin will not necessarily make me happy… but what if nothing ever does? What if I am screwing up my life completely? What WILL it take for me to be able to sit here with a smile on my face and think yes, YES my life is OK and I am happy?

I am due to sign the contracts on my new rented house tomorrow – and then move 3 weeks later. I am worried about that too … worried that once I am there in a different house with the children that life still won’t be right and that I still won’t be happy. In fact my life will be a LOT harder as a single parent – why do I think being alone and miserable in the evening will make me happier than being sat here downstairs while my husband ignores me upstairs? At least I have conversation if I bother to go upstairs and seek it out.

Things are so awkward at home … the “small talk” is getting less and less because – well I am leaving and it is almost pointless as it will all stop soon. We may as well both get used to the fact. What upsets me though is that even though I am signing contracts tomorrow … and handing over a wedge of cash that ties me into a contract at the house … that he never ever did put up a fight for me. I’m not going to say anything to him at this stage – if he did bother to make an effort it would only purely be because I had stuck the rocket under him to pull his frigging head out of the sand.

He won’t change – I refuse to live like that – I have no choice.

Will moving house and leaving my marriage make things better or am I setting myself up for an even worse pattern of self destruction as I prove to myself just how independent I am and how well I can do things by myself.

And then there is food too. My husband knows I eat very little but chooses to say nothing. He cooked tonight – asked me what I wanted and then ignored that and served me a huge plate anyway. I ate three large flat grilled mushrooms.

There are so many reasons why I feel unable to eat. I have eaten three frigging grilled mushrooms today (ok the big size ones, but still) yet I am not hungry. I am not physically starving myself and my “choice” not to eat is definitely mental rather than physical.

Packing up “the marital home”

It’s official – I am starting to pack up my personal belongings from the “Marital Home”. I knew I wasn’t going to achieve anything today – and in hindsight (damn there it is again) I forgot to take my “happy pill” today. It probably explains my melancholy mood this morning and the fact that I sat on the sofa watching Maury Povitch, Jeremy Kyle & Ricki Lake for three hours after taking the kids to school before I moved again.

I boxed up some of my “non essential” stuff like books, my rubber stamp collection (ouch it hurt to put that all away) and my card making stuff. Three boxes – not much, and I still have two big cupboards full of craft stuff to go through, but it was a start. I only had three big cardboard boxes or I would have done more.

I actually thought my husband would have made more of a comment … it was pretty obvious that all of my “stash” had been cleared out from the bedroom.

My husband – or STBX as I should start calling him … keeps dropping things into the conversation that I am sure he doesn’t mean in a hurtful manner, but they hurt nonetheless. He doesn’t mind picking up some cigarettes for me when he’s going to the shop, or sticking some fuel in the car ”while I am still here” – I never really know how to respond to that.

I wish it were easier … I wish I actually HAD an income instead of a failing business and then I could move out NOW instead of relying on government tax credits to come through. There is still even no guarantee that I will get anything at all … being self employed but taking no income from my business puts me into a very grey area. I haven’t yet thought about what would happen if that were the case … I just can’t even go there. I’d have no choice but to close down the business, forget about my future and get a crappy job JUST to qualify for the tax credits and earn enough to survive as a single parent. Pile of crap huh.

In the meantime it is even worse than limbo. Things between my husband and I are civil but so strained and awkward. It just needs to be over.