The “divorce” ball is rolling

Warning – long bitch / vent / whinge … you may want to get comfy. Ugh I have to say I feel like I have been fighting a losing battle with my STBX husband with regards to trying to NOT be a complete bitch and trying desperately to be amicable. I want nothing more than our divorce to be as painless as possible for the pair of us - to NOT take him to the cleaners for every penny he hasn’t got … and for it to be over as quickly as the courts will allow… but his refusal to discuss ANYTHING with me has just ground me down to the point that I have now instructed a solicitor.

I sent him an email a few days ago with what I considered to be very reasonable “non blame” reasons for “unreasonable behaviour” as the grounds for our divorce. I sent the email so that he would have it in writing and be able to respond to it. Well … last night I asked him about it and he admitted he hadn’t even READ the email despite me telling him it was in his inbox as soon as I sent it. Yet again another prime example of how he buries his head and ignores things.

He has just wound me up to the point of despair. I was prepared to use an online service (highly recommended) and have it all over, done and dusted as cheaply as possible. I even told him I was prepared to pay the £200 for a managed divorce with a clean break order (to organise the finances and the marital home) and that all he had to do was agree to the terms I’d set out for the unreasonable behaviour. That way it wouldn’t even cost HIM a penny for the divorce. I even said in my email that if he wanted to amend or change anything to let me know and I would re-word it and send it back to him. I was making a HUGE attempt at civility and he didn’t even bother reading it.

Quarter to midnight last night he comes downstairs ….

ME – SO are we going to talk about this email?
STBX – Look, it’s quarter to midnight and I refuse to discuss it with you right now.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR that fucked me off big time. He ignores my email for 3 days and then refuses to have a conversation about it???? I didn’t even put anything bad like how he refuses to listen to me, refuses to communicate and buries his head or about his emotional/mental cruelty with calling me fat and being unsupportive!! I worded it very carefully about the relationship breakdown to make sure that it wasn’t one sided or heavily blaming HIM. You need to give the court 5 or 6 reasons and short paragraphs to get divorced for unreasonable behaviour, and without going into detail I came up with …

Breakdown of communication
Both H and W have significantly changed as people over the almost 11 year marriage. Differences in personality now reflect difficulties in talking and communicating about relationship troubles. H is unable to discuss feelings/emotions whereas W likes to talk about problems.

Lack of intimacy
Intimacy (kisses, cuddles and non sexual touching) is non-existent

Lack of a sexual relationship.
Due to a lack of intimacy, any sexual relationship is impossible. H or W have attended several marriage counselling sessions through Relate but agree that neither wish to continue any form of sexual relationship with the other.

Financial disagreements
H & W have very different opinions on how the household budget should be spent. This has resulted in disagreements and arguments over finances.

Personal Habits/Hobbies.
H & W both have separate hobbies/interests and have grown apart as individuals.

Refusal to live together
Both H and W have reached a point where they can no longer tolerate living together. W has a new address where she will live with the two children from the marriage and H will remain in the marital home to prepare it for immediate sale as soon as possible.

THAT’S IT!!!! That is ALL I asked him to agree to and he wouldn’t even look at it and then threw it in my face and started being an ass when I asked for communication and a conversation about the things that HE wanted in there!

He seems very surprised that I want to kick it all off so quickly, but as far as I am concerned it isn’t quickly at all!! I woke up not long after my 30th birthday and realised that I was unhappy in my marriage. YES I had a couple of one night stands and YES I had an affair, but I can also hold my head up HIGH and know that I tried damned fucking hard to work on my marriage.

I’m 33 now. I’ve been living like this for the last three years and I am simply not prepared to sacrifice myself any longer. It may take me a long time to make decisions, but once they are made – well they are made and I see no point in dragging it out once I’ve finally stopped procrastinating and decided what the fuck to do!

SO … his utter refusal to talk to me left me with no choice. I am on tax credits and will qualify for legal aid. He will have to pay a solicitor every step of the way. He COULD have got away with so much because my solicitor told me over the phone that what I had come up to was VERY fair on him, but not so fair on me! If he had been prepared to READ the frigging email, to wake up and pay attention then it could have cost him fuck all.

As it is, I have said to him that I still do not plan on taking him to the cleaners for every penny that I know he doesn’t have! Even though he has done nothing but demonstrate that he can be a complete shit, I am STILL trying so HARD not to be a BITCH!!! 

I decided to see a “proper” solicitor so that I can cover my own back as he will be living in the matrimonial home with my name on the mortgage … as well as making sure the children (HIS children) will be financially taken care of. The thing I need to consider is the possible negative equity that the property could be in at the point of sale and whether I may be better off having my name taken off the mortgage and an agreement drawn up that he is to give me a percentage of any equity instead of me being jointly responsible should he run the marital home into the ground or default on the mortgage.

There is a LOT to consider and it’s why I am happy to let a solicitor be in charge of it all. I really do NOT want to be a bitch because at the end of the day although STBX was – let’s face it – a lousy husband … he is not a bad person overall and I don’t want him to end up in a cardboard box of a bedsit because I have taken him to the cleaners.

The thing is, he doesn’t GET this at all. All he does is to get shitty and defensive with me and I’ve had enough now. Whatever my solicitor recommends I should do … I will do. Damn I pity the poor woman that he next gets involved with. I pray that he never does because his “bury his head and deny it every step of the way” attitude is no way to be in a long term relationship let alone a marriage!

It’s probably also the reason why I am his third wife. Ohh did I not mention that before? No children from previous marriages, but both of his ex-wives were unfaithful to him. Kinda makes you wonder why really … no, really … if two women before me have married this man and promised to be faithful – then what the FUCK is wrong with him???

See I had these doubts about him before I married him. I don’t know – maybe I thought nothing better would ever come along – my ex boyfriend was an ass that neglected me too… and maybe I thought that STBX would be different? The thing is … in retrospect (damnit that is such a useful tool!) the signs were there from SO early on. Promises he made that he never kept … things he said to me and the way he deflated my self confidence. I should have left him then…. after our first wedding anniversary when he called me FAT … or a few months later when he couldn’t get an errection and I supported him 100% even though at the time MY orgasm as far as he was concerned was – hang on – let me word this correctly ….

My husband had given me orgasms with his fingers in the past … he was going down on me (rare occasion!) and I had an earth shattering orgasm. His words were “well that’s a treat! If you get that every time then you will get used to it!”

Yeah I should have left him then too.

Ah well, no point dwelling on those what-ifs anymore!!! The point is I am DONE here. I really and truly have had enough of this man that is a shit and an asshole and who refuses point blank to have conversations with me!! I have an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow morning and as far as I am concerned it is to start the ball rolling and kick off the divorce to have papers served to my husband as soon as possible.

Found a house!

I hadn’t expected it to happen quite so quickly. I have been looking for precisely TWO days and that has merely consisted of phone calls and emails. This morning I spotted an ad in the paper from a private landlord that sounded ideal. I called and arranged to view it within the hour. It is within budget, has everything I need and is within the area I want to be in.

*deep breath*

As soon as I walked through the door I felt SOOO weird. I haven’t house shopped for myself in … well umm I never have! I lived with my parents then moved in with my ex. When I left my ex boyfriend, I rented a tiny little bedsit for a about 4 months until I met my current husband and then eventually moved in with him. I’ve never been by myself other than those few months and I have always looked at places to live with my husband since then. There has always been someone else to bounce ideas off of.

I felt so very alone as soon as I went through the door!! I don’t even think it would have made a difference if the house was a palace! Ohhh there was nothing WRONG with it … it was perfect in fact! It just felt WEIRD. The space was perfect for me and the kids, it’s in a good location not far from where we are now and as soon as I took my first look, I knew it was a place that I could live in. It’s a good family sized house and will be ideal for us. Downstairs there is a nice size entrance and hallway, and a huge lounge/diner with sliding patio doors that open onto the garden. The garden … yeah see, outdoor space is important to me, but I also don’t want something too “pretty” that will need too much maintenance! This is an outdoor “yard” but there is a grassy area out the front that the kids can play on.

The kitchen is quite small, but nothing smaller than the one I have now! I don’t need to worry about appliances and there is a lil breakfast bar area too, so I have a feeling that this will be a room I will live in. I told the landlady that I was a non smoker, so I will only be smoking in the kitchen with the back door open.

Upstairs … the bathroom is TINY and the shower is over the bath, but there is a separate toilet, and at the end of the day, the size of the bathroom isn’t the most important thing in the world!

The main bedroom – my bedroom – is MASSIVE!!! It’s MUCH bigger than the bedroom I have now, or any other bedroom I have had before and there are fantastic built in wardrobes that have more room than I will ever need for my rapidly shrinking wardrobe and all of my shoes!!! I loved this room!

The second bedroom is lilac and I automatically assumed it would be perfect for my daughter …. it’s actually a nice size double bedroom. The third room is tiny – a very small single room and it’s blue … so very fitting for my son!

I explained the whole situation to the landlady – about the breakdown of the marriage and how we had tried but it hadn’t worked out … that I needed to claim tax credits and housing benefit … and that didn’t scare her off. Even when I mentioned that I had two cats she said it was fine and would just have it put into the contract that if the house is flea infested then I would be responsible for sorting it out! Can’t say fairer than that!

The weird thing is … the landlady lives out of the country most of the time and only actually arrived back last night. I called her at 8.56am when I got back from dropping the kids at school and I was the first phone call she had. I was the first person to look … and she therefore offered me first refusal.

I was a little concerned about taking the first place I had looked at… but I decided that although it wasn’t “perfect” as in a small kitchen and a tiny third bedroom … that houses within my budget in my preferred area come up so few and far between … that really I HAD to make a snap decision.

I was torn between the devil and the deep blue sea! Here was a house that was PERFECT … that suited my every need and that I knew I could live in and be happy in. The price was right … the area was right … and I had to make a choice.

I told her I would take it but that I needed to show my children and have that conversation with them before I signed anything. She understood that, but also made it clear that this was a house that did rent quickly when it was available and that I literally had a few hours to make my decision.

I called my husband. I told him I’d found a place and asked him to come home early so that we could talk to the kids and take them to see it.

It was hard – hard for him I know, but the kids needed him to be there.

My daughter has known what has been going on as I have kept her informed, but it was really about telling our son. I’m a little annoyed that my husband left ME to do all of the talking, but I had assumed that would be the case. He was so upset. He knew that me and his daddy were splitting up and he actually surprised me with his maturity, but he was still really upset. He wants us to stay together and said that all we needed to do was stay away from each other (ie different ends of the sofa) and then we wouldn’t argue.

It broke my heart, it really did. I always knew I would eventually have to have that conversation with my children, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

The timing was right too - telling them just before going to visit the “new house” – literally half an hour before was perfect. They then were able to focus on being excited about the new place and arguing over who gets the biggest bedroom! Co-incidentally I talked my daughter into taking the smaller room knowing that she and I have a very special bond and that I will share my room with her anyway … that perhaps as she has always has the biggest room, that maybe because her brother was struggling with the separation more than she was – that maybe it would be a nice thing for him to have the biggest bedroom.

I have promised her that it will eventually be the funkiest and coolest tiny little bedroom in the world. We’ll sort out some fab hanging storage and tons of glitter! LOL It also made my son happy to know he was getting the big bedroom. It gives him something to look forward to and that will be a big thing for him.

My husband is taking it hard. I knew it would be difficult for him to look around the house and for the reality to finally sink in. He has hardly said a word to me. Part of me wonders whether the reason he is so quiet is because he doesn’t really want this to happen and that same part of me wishes he would just get down on his knees and lay it on the line… tell me how much he loves me and prove to me that he really does give a shit, but even then … he says nothing. The other part of me then hates him for not even bothering to fight for it even at this stage.

Maybe … just maybe … if my husband had fought a little harder for me and our marriage then things could have been different. Even today … even after going to look at that house and telling the children the bottom line … there was always still the option for him to say to me that he loved me and wanted me enough to stand up and fight for us.

The fact that he didn’t … well that speaks volumes. Even after this second set of marriage counselling where I tell him he buries his head — in front of a therapist – and he denies it … yet 24 hours later he is doing precisely what I predicted. Burying his head.

I know my husband. I have known him for 12 years now and I know that he is asleep upstairs regretting everything … but that he never truly will change. Even if I don’t sign the contract on the new house … nothing ever would really and truly change.

Time for a MAJOR subject change. 

I haven’t felt even a little bit hungry today. I forced myself to eat two slices of bread with low fat cheese spread just after I picked the kids up from school and that was purely so that my daughter would see me eating.

After getting back from looking at the house tonight … the kids announced they wanted pizza. We had some frozen ones in the freezer and the oven has three shelves … ie will cook 3 at a time, so of course I did husband and two kids and as soon as theirs were out, I put mine in.

385 calories - that’s all that was in this plain cheese pizza and I couldn’t even manage quite half of it. I worked out my total calorie intake today was less than 400 calories (not counting the wine tonight, but that’s made from grapes and counts as a food group!!)

But I don’t feel hungry!! I tried SO HARD to eat that pizza tonight. 385 calories really is fuck all for an evening meal by anybody’s standards … I just couldn’t put the food into my mouth. I cut it into 6 slices and managed 2.5. Even that was a struggle.

I worry … I do worry that once I am left to my own devices in a new house and not accountable to anybody that my anorexic behaviours and tendencies will become worse. At the same time, I do NOT want to become so painfully thin that I am ill … and that is just one of the many battles I am facing at the moment.

I also worry about money and finances … and one way I can cut down is to simply have less food in the house. I made an Excel spreadsheet (yeah I love my spreadsheets) to work out a weekly and monthly food shopping budget. I worked out and planned the meals for my kids over a two week period, then used the supermarket websites to plan a shopping budget.

I realised that I had worked out and planned a breakfast, lunch and dinner for myself every single day of the week. Fuck I haven’t eaten that much on a daily basis for around 4 months now. Straight away I was able to literally strip my anticipated food budget in half and that still allowed for a dinner every day plus all the food and biscuits / snacks the kids need.

Oh it is scary. I am scared beyond belief. The reality is that in 2-3 weeks time I could be sat in my own house with just me and the kids … god I have never felt more alone in my life.

Sex and complications

Can sex ever just be sex for the sake of it?

I was feeling very vulnerable last night – that much is obvious from reading back through what I wrote. I’d had a few glasses of wine and was a little bit squiffy to say the least. It hadn’t been planned and I don’t even really remember how exactly it did happen …

My husband and I are still sleeping in the same bed because it is a comfortable bed and it makes no sense for one of us to sleep on the sofa when we are adults and we don’t physically hate each other. Last night I was feeling so down and as we were laying there I admitted something I missed was having someone hold me and tell me it would all be okay.

He looked at me and said “Ness, it will be okay.” My reply was that it wasn’t the same. He said something along the lines of “a hug can be just a hug” and motioned to me to go closer. I snuggled into his arms and it felt warm and familiar.

I don’t remember exactly the lead up to what happened next … it was late, we’d both had a few drinks and apparently having sex seemed like a good idea! Well it was a good idea – at the time! He didn’t take advantage of me or anything – in fact I think the whole thing came as a bit of a surprise to the pair of us.

The trouble is … this morning I now find I have an added complication. I had just JUST got to the point where I was accepting that my marriage was over and mentally moving out and bringing frigging boxes home to start packing things up. Then I go and have sex with my husband!!

We did briefly talk about it this morning before he left for work – he said he almost felt the need to apologise for it being err quick and selfish was the way he put it (ie I didn’t come) but I said it hadn’t been about me having an orgasm and that I’d actually just needed a shag! His words were that I’d had an itch and he’d scratched it, but I wonder how much of that is the truth.

Does it have to mean anything?

Where it started …

I know exactly when it started… although it took many years to really surface.

On our first wedding anniversary we went out for a meal and I was talking about my post baby body and how I felt I needed to tone up and lose some weight. Now … you’d kinda HOPE that on your first anniversary that your husband would say something like “I think you look terrific already, but if you feel you want to lose weight then I’ll support you” … or words to that effect. My husband said …

“Well you are a bit fat aren’t you!”

Needless to say I mustered what little self dignity I had left, downed my glass of wine and walked out of there until I was out of eyeshot of the restaurant and then I started running. That was almost 10 years ago now. Maybe I should have carried on running back then …

Before I met my husband I never ever remember having ANY issues with my body or my size or anything. I am not directly blaming him, but I have no doubt that was my first toe in the water down the body issue route.

I wish I had enough fingers to count the number of times during our 11 year marriage that I found porn on his computer. Sometimes I just pretended I hadn’t seen it and convinced myself that things were okay… and sometimes I threw it in his face … more often than not with something physical like a plate or a cup and we’d have a huge row and he’d promise never to do it again…

I woke up not long after my 30th birthday and realised how desperately unhappy I was and the first place I looked was to my husband and my marriage. I DID try. I can hold my head up high knowing that I did try. I bought new sexy lingerie, tried spicing things up a bit … but after being rejected more than just a handful of times when *I* made the first move … I kinda gave up. My husband never seemed that bothered – dismissing things as being fine. I even remember one time after sex where I tried to get him to talk about what I could do to make things better … and I remember he described me as “laying there like a wet fish” – well, when you’ve given up – sex becomes prefunctory doesn’t it. What was the point?!

Even then I tried harder. I truly did. The problem was … my husband and I never seemed to “try” at the same time and our marriage really started to break down. I’d already lost a few pounds, but this was when I started seriously trying to lose weight. I lost another 10lbs but was still ever so slightly in the “overweight” zone. It affected me deeply and I reached a plateau where I just didn’t seem able to lose any more weight. I exercised and ate sensibly … and stayed exactly the same. It was also around this time when I had an affair that lasted 4 months. My husband found out about it after it was over, and we were supposedly “working on it” but I guess neither of us actually were.

Okay bringing this forward now …. it was just over a couple of months ago … I remember the date … July 28th when it occurred to me that I hadn’t really had an appetite for a few days and I just made a note of it in my diary. I was weighing myself daily and realised that without starving myself, without being hungry and without even trying … I was losing weight. I have so far lost 35lbs in total (the last 20lbs in 9 weeks) and it has been literally falling off.

It’s a slippery slope … I can feel myself slipping down and I don’t want to stop because although I still have lots of weight to lose … I am looking better than I have looked in a long time.