My self destruct button

Marriage counselling aside … I have other things going on in my head today that I need to get out on “paper” but I needed to make a separate post about the therapy appointment as it was important.

Okay … I posted yesterday about how the scales had finally dropped another 2lbs, so there I am this morning in the bathroom jumping up and down like a crazy woman (read naked crazy woman) going utterly ballistic because the scales showed a pound GAIN today. I ate half a frigging sandwich yesterday (wholemeal bread, no butter, just low fat cream cheese and half a tomato) and I already knew as soon as the numbers showed up that I would eat nothing and limit my liquid to just water today. That would mean just half a sandwich in 2 days and if that doesn’t get the frigging scales to move then nothing will.

I know I shouldn’t weigh myself every day and obsessively track every frigging detail in excel (I have a very pretty colour coded spreadsheet that I designed to track my weight, measurements and BMI) because I KNOW that it fluctuates. I KNOW I should weigh once a week and measure every 2-3 weeks … but that doesn’t stop me doing it daily, and when it comes to the scales … *sigh* ok, I weigh myself at least 6 times a day as a minimum.

Weighing involves stripping completely naked and removing all jewellery because it all counts. I even realised that if I am weighing myself while I have my period, then I need to remove the tampon because the extra weight of a frigging TAMPON makes a difference. Well it does – everything weighs SOMETHING!!

It was around 4pm this afternoon that I stripped naked in the bathroom and weighed myself yet again. It occurred to me that the thought in my head was definitely a self destruct one – which was ironic after what the therapist had said earlier about my self destruct button and how I punish myself so severely.

Well anyway, the thought I had was … “I am going to weigh myself again to see if I can eat anything.” Like magically starving myself for a day and a half will suddenly magically make me drop 10lbs.

I had dropped 8oz so I “allowed myself” to eat scrambled eggs on toast. I used 2 eggs in the microwave so that there was no fat, and used low fat spread on two slices of toast. I ate exactly half. I know it was exactly half because I spooned out the eggs onto the toast so that it was utterly precise. I knew I would only eat half of it and I HATE WASTE … it just seems to be one of the “things” I have developed, one of my “rules” if you like … that provided I am eating something diet or low fat, and I only eat half of it – then I will lose weight and won’t gain any more.

I KNOW it is wrong. I KNOW it is. The thing is … it doesn’t help. I am an INTELLIGENT woman! I have 13 GCSEs (yes 13 – I went back and did more) and 4 A-levels. I am not stupid. I understand what I am doing to myself. I understand how fucked up it will make my body and I have blogging friends who are so so SO beyond where I want to be with regards to anorexia and being so ill and who are now on the road to recovery … yet here I am on this self destruct journey that I know I control … but daily I am starting to see that it is beginning to control me.

How can I even THINK about being so painfully thin and ill and underweight when I am STILL SO FAT?

The thing is – and this is what scares me … I am beginning to LIKE living with an eating disorder. It almost gives me a reason to feel special even though very few people know the actual extent of it. I like the way that I can’t control a lot of things in my life right now … but one thing I CAN control is my decision to make myself happy with my body by losing weight and being thinner, even though I KNOW from reading blogs like Lola’s that being thin does not necessarily equate to being happy … but when you are still fat it’s hard to believe that truly and deeply… even when you WANT your friends to recover and be healthy and how it really boosts your mood to read about how WELL they are doing in recovery.

I am a UK size 12 (US size 8) which is apparently a very healthy and “normal” weight to be, so I keep telling myself that I am FINE … that it is OKAY because people don’t look at me and see somebody struggling with anorexia … they see someone who has lost weight and is looking good. When I talk about being fat – people look at me with a quizzical expression on their faces as if to say “but you aren’t fat” … and no, I am not as fat as I used to be – I’ve lost 38lbs – almost 3 stone (17kg) but I am still fat.

I stayed out of the house after the therapy appointment today for as long as possible (avoidance), and I knew that by coming home around 5pm that I would be walking into a house full of cooking smells (my husband worked from home today so he cooked dinner for the children) and as soon as I walked through the door, he announced that he hadn’t bothered cooking anything for me because it wasn’t worth it and didn’t want to waste food.

My husband knows about my eating disorder because err he lives with me and also because I wrote him a long email a few days ago describing exactly what I was going through and why I blamed him for a lot of it. I laid it on the line and said his comment to me on our first wedding anniversary was what really kicked it off … (“well you are a bit fat aren’t you”) and even in therapy today when she was talking to me about my ED and trying to help me figure out where it started … I had to admit that before I met my husband, I had a big bum but I had never had any self confidence or body issues.

So back to tonight … I KNEW he wouldn’t have cooked for me but why did he feel the need to make such a big deal of it? He’s known for a long time that I have food / eating “issues” and even after I told him about it … he never did want to talk to me about it.

I also find it SO HARD to eat in front of him. I have issues with HIM and I have issues with FOOD, so to put the two together … well let’s just say pull pin and stand well back. I hate how he watches me take every mouthful and rolls his eyes when I put my knife and fork down on my plate after two mouthfuls. I just stopped eating in front of him. It was just easier. I usually do the kids their dinner early … he sorts himself out when he gets home from work, and I tell the kids I will eat later. It’s weekends and days he works from home that I am caused such anguish with having to try to force food down my throat in front of my children.

It’s not even the children … it’s my daughter. She is ten years old and just entering puberty so her body is changing and developing and she is aware of boys, fashion, peer pressure and her body. I catch her prodding her belly every now and again and it scares the crap out of me that she has noticed my weight loss, noticed my lack of eating and put two and two together. I do NOT want her to go through this, but I also know I am A HEALTHY WEIGHT and not currently at any risk of any danger and I am so DESPERATE to drop another 10lbs or so. I try to make sure my daughter sees me eat and I talk to her a lot about how she has a very healthy diet – she has a lot of fruit & veg and the right amount of naughty stuff for a balanced diet. She also gets plenty of exercise through school and her clubs and I need to keep her focussed on THAT not me.

I think I am doing a good job. She is very grown up for her ten years and I try to treat her like a grown up – just without all of the details. She needs to know that I trust and respect her … because to get respect you have to give it. She’s a good kid and dealing with the marriage breakdown very well. Her younger brother on the other hand is a whole other kettle of fish for a whole other post.

Ugh there is just so much going on in my head. Part of me is wondering even now that if my husband had stopped looking at porn the first time I asked him to … whether we would still be here and whether *I* would be here with my eating disorder. I need to make it clear I don’t actually have an ISSUE with porn when it’s used in a “healthy” relationship … but ours was definitely NOT healthy and he was ignoring me in favour of porn. That’s different.

Then again, if it HAD made a difference, I’d be a lot fatter by now (or at least 38lbs heavier), so maybe this was just meant to be.

I watched a little bit of Lorraine Kelly on TV this morning. I don’t usually watch that and am usually out of the house, but I was taking my time. I caught the end of an interview LK was doing with a recovered anorexic and LK mentioned how if you are going through things like this, then to check the GMTV website for positive information. I looked it up and was HORRIFIED!!! Alongside these very VERY basic articles were adverts from sponsors … about LOSING WEIGHT?!?!?!?!

What does an anorexic REALLY need to see when they are thinking about recovery and positive input? Yeah, they REALLY need to see adverts for Weight Watchers. They would have done better sticking an ad for new cars up there … at least then we could sit here and read their crappy articles and have new car lust instead of new thin lust.

Grrrr pissed me off … sent them a narky email. Never heard back — funny that!

It’s a fine line isn’t it .. my “healthy” weight and my “healthy” BMI of 20 means I do not qualify for a diagnosis of anorexia nervosa, although according to my doctor, I have anorexic behaviours and issues around food and eating. Nope, I am plain ole EDNOS – “eating disorder not otherwise specified” and what makes it worse??? Periods … yeah periods … our ole monthly friend. To qualify for the diagnosis, you need to have missed at least three in a row

My last period finished 3 weeks ago … my current period started just under a week ago… I had just two weeks in between! What the fuck sort of sense does that make? Is it my body’s way of fighting back saying nooo we’re happy being EDNOS till you are thin enough? How does that justify giving me two in a month?!?!

Marriage Counselling

We had our first appointment at Relate today and I think we both came out of there feeling quite healthy about the separation. The therapist was excellent, she really was. We had an hour and managed to discuss pretty much everything from his porn use to my affair to my eating disorder and lots in between. There was lots of anger, lots of bitterness, but we both agreed that ultimately we needed to let go of the hurt and anger so that we could move on and keep our children foremost in our minds.

She identified very quickly that I have a “self destruct” button and that I kick myself harder than anybody else ever will… and she also nailed my husband as the quiet one who doesn’t like to talk and hates conflict. She said he’s like a tank of oil and I’m holding a box of matches. Every now and again I light one, toss it in there and wait for the explosion!!

She was so spot on! LOL

Well, anyway – we’re now on the waiting list for a “regular” appointment. We are looking at going weekly for 4-6 sessions to work through our anger issues, deal with the blame and the guilt and frustration from the past so that we can separate with a positive healthy co-parent relationship for our children.

All good huh.

I was sat there looking at my husband during the appointment … and thinking nope … nope, I definitely don’t want you anymore – I don’t want this anymore and I am too broken and empty to fix it anymore. I think possibly he had half thought I never would ever leave and it all came as a bit of a shock to him when I said the money had come through. He claims he always knew I was leaving … but I still think otherwise.

The therapist said she also thought that we had been clinging to that last little part because we couldn’t let go of the anger … and that is what we need to be working on. She did agree that we were such polar opposites that the best we could do would be to separate … and that was coming from a therapist!

The rest of my day has been spent on the phone to letting agents trying desperately to find somewhere to live! It’s not going to be easy. I will be claiming housing benefit and have two cats – there aren’t many places that will accept both. Still, it’s just been the first day of looking so far … something will come up!

Where it started …

I know exactly when it started… although it took many years to really surface.

On our first wedding anniversary we went out for a meal and I was talking about my post baby body and how I felt I needed to tone up and lose some weight. Now … you’d kinda HOPE that on your first anniversary that your husband would say something like “I think you look terrific already, but if you feel you want to lose weight then I’ll support you” … or words to that effect. My husband said …

“Well you are a bit fat aren’t you!”

Needless to say I mustered what little self dignity I had left, downed my glass of wine and walked out of there until I was out of eyeshot of the restaurant and then I started running. That was almost 10 years ago now. Maybe I should have carried on running back then …

Before I met my husband I never ever remember having ANY issues with my body or my size or anything. I am not directly blaming him, but I have no doubt that was my first toe in the water down the body issue route.

I wish I had enough fingers to count the number of times during our 11 year marriage that I found porn on his computer. Sometimes I just pretended I hadn’t seen it and convinced myself that things were okay… and sometimes I threw it in his face … more often than not with something physical like a plate or a cup and we’d have a huge row and he’d promise never to do it again…

I woke up not long after my 30th birthday and realised how desperately unhappy I was and the first place I looked was to my husband and my marriage. I DID try. I can hold my head up high knowing that I did try. I bought new sexy lingerie, tried spicing things up a bit … but after being rejected more than just a handful of times when *I* made the first move … I kinda gave up. My husband never seemed that bothered – dismissing things as being fine. I even remember one time after sex where I tried to get him to talk about what I could do to make things better … and I remember he described me as “laying there like a wet fish” – well, when you’ve given up – sex becomes prefunctory doesn’t it. What was the point?!

Even then I tried harder. I truly did. The problem was … my husband and I never seemed to “try” at the same time and our marriage really started to break down. I’d already lost a few pounds, but this was when I started seriously trying to lose weight. I lost another 10lbs but was still ever so slightly in the “overweight” zone. It affected me deeply and I reached a plateau where I just didn’t seem able to lose any more weight. I exercised and ate sensibly … and stayed exactly the same. It was also around this time when I had an affair that lasted 4 months. My husband found out about it after it was over, and we were supposedly “working on it” but I guess neither of us actually were.

Okay bringing this forward now …. it was just over a couple of months ago … I remember the date … July 28th when it occurred to me that I hadn’t really had an appetite for a few days and I just made a note of it in my diary. I was weighing myself daily and realised that without starving myself, without being hungry and without even trying … I was losing weight. I have so far lost 35lbs in total (the last 20lbs in 9 weeks) and it has been literally falling off.

It’s a slippery slope … I can feel myself slipping down and I don’t want to stop because although I still have lots of weight to lose … I am looking better than I have looked in a long time.

The journey begins …

In brief … I am 33 years old and am just coming out of an 11 year marriage with 2 children aged 8 & 10. My marriage broke down a long time ago through lack of communication and no intimacy. We were both to blame. My husband used porn and ignored me sexually for years. I fought back with casual sex encounters and then I had a 4 month affair with a man I continued to see pleutonically after the affair was finished.

My marriage is over but we are still living in the marital home together with the children until my claim for tax credits comes through and I can move out with the children while the house is sold.

In the meantime I have been diagnosed with EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) because I have severe body issues and zero appetite. I am not purposely starving myself or restricting myself consciously  … but as to what goes on in my subconscious mind? Ack well that is what I am here to figure out through my writing.

It is classified as EDNOS because I have lost a serious amount of weight in a short time and I meet all the criteria for being anorexic except for the fact that I am still currently of a “normal” weight for my height and I still have regular periods. Apparently I need to be closer to death and have bones jutting out. I have no desire to eat food and simply don’t ever feel hungry. If I am hungry - I will eat something but it doesn’t take more than a few mouthfuls before I can’t face anymore.

I also suffer from depression and anxiety – all brought on over the last 2-3 years of an unhappy marriage, low self esteem etc and a failing business that I’ve been trying to keep afloat for too long. Ohhh, and if it helps … my 8 year old son has ADHD & Aspergers.

Yeah, I have a full plate.

This blog is meant to be my daily SCREAM about all of the crap that I have in my life as I work my way through all KINDS of issues including but not limited to … LOL …

• Low self esteem & zero self confidence.
• HUGE body / weight issues and a daily battle against the scales.
• An obsession with losing weight as quickly as I can
• Disordered eating (no appetite)
• A diagnosis of EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified)
• Why my husband ignored me in preference to porn.
• What led me to have an affair.
• Dealing with hurt and pain caused to my Husband and extended family.
• Depression & anxiety
• Feelings of inadequacy and a drive to be perfect even though I know I can’t be.
• … and then some!

I have an innate need to WRITE about my daily shit, and although my affair was discovered through a blog, I still HAVE to write it down somewhere so I may as well publish it. Call it cathartic – maybe I get a kick out of feedback & comments … maybe it’s a way of “fitting in” to a world that doesn’t seem to suit me. My old blog has been closed and this new one started. I hide nothing and write everything.

My marriage is over – I have nothing to hide anymore which is why I am writing again. We are both now simply waiting in limbo until I can move out and we can begin our new lives. All I ask is that if you read this and know who I am that you keep it to yourself. Comments / advice all welcome as I take the journey to my emotional recovery and try to work out what the f**k I am doing with my life.