STBX has noticed …

… he’s noticed that I am eating more. Does that mean I am eating too much?? Fuck my head is really screwed isn’t it. That wasn’t a question btw – merely a statement of facts. There was a conversation where STBX were discussing safe things. We only tend to have “safe” conversations these days about things that are either “important need to know” stuff or relevant to daily ongoing life and topics like the news, what we heard on the radio, what’s for dinner etc.

Anyway … and appropriately on the subject of what’s for dinner … Sunday STBX likes to cook. He’s an ex chef so it’s in his bones/blood whatever! He also likes to make sure that the children do get at least a couple of proper dinners and SOME vegetables in their diet which is all good as far as I am concerned! He did a roast tonight and when he let me know earlier that he was cooking tonight … I purposely didn’t eat anything at all during the day so that I could have a totally empty belly to eat “proper food” with …

Well there was conversation a little bit later and I don’t even remember how we got onto the subject … STBX was telling me what his weight was – I mentioned I’d lost another pound but that my appetite seemed to have increased over the last few days…

HE SAID YES, HE HAD NOTICED.

So he’s watching me scoffing food now? Does he even know what alarm bells that sets off inside my head??? It says to me I’ll show him – bastard! I won’t be living with him soon and I will show him what a low appetite can do … because I know I DO control my appetite… no really, I do.

Fucker – I won’t even be living with him and STILL he has this frigging control over me and this way of totally altering my perception of myself and snapping my self confidence.  I’ve been feeling so positive lately and he has this way of bringing me right back down.

My appetite HAS increased yes. I put it down to the stress bubbles being popped with every day I get closer to leaving my husband “officially” … but I am keeping a very close eye on the scales and the minute it goes up even by a tiny little pound … well we’ll worry about that if when it happens.

Poorly & ill in Ness-Ville!

Well I guess it’s what comes of spending two solid days curled up with a poorly ill small boy … it’s only natural I would come down with it! I’ve been wiped out! Without going into TOO much detail – I’ve had major stomach cramps, wanted to do nothing but sleep … and as for the rest … let’s just say that both ends weren’t very far from a bucket or the toilet at all times!

On the upside – appetite hasn’t exactly been an issue!! That’s one benefit of being ill like that! LOL I actually got new batteries for my scales the day I got ill (before it hit) but as it was the middle of the day I’d promised myself I would wait until the next morning to get a “true” reading.

Before I got the yucky nasty bug, my appetite had been returning slowly and I was beginning to be able to eat more and more (I’ve realised it’s all totally related to being closer to moving day – a week today!) and I had assumed that I would be a couple of pounds heavier, but I got on the scales this afternoon (middle of the day) when I was feeling better (after drinking lots and lots of liquids) and I was 132lbs (9 stone 6) on my 5’8″ height … that is exactly the same weight as I was on October 7th (just re-read through back posts to check) which was BEFORE my appetite started to come back.

See part of me says that is 11 days in which I have NOT lost weight and my original plan was to be at my goal of 9 stone/126lbs  by moving day … but unless I literally eat NOTHING for the next week there is no way I can drop 6lbs … or can I???

The other part of me says that as my appetite has increased and I’ve eaten more on a daily basis over the last 11 days that it is actually GOOD to have maintained my weight. I have to keep reminding myself that thin does NOT equal happy – thin is just a bonus of achieving happy.

I took measurements tonight too – my hips haven’t changed but I’ve dropped another inch from my waist since I last measured on 4th October. I am now 37-27-37 which is apparently a perfect hourglass figure … and TBH if it were toned I think I could even learn to love it!

Sooo … that is the next plan … but that’s a whole other post!!

My weight …

Well my scales have been broken for three days and I have avoided the temptation to buy a new battery. I have absolutely NO IDEA what I weigh. This is good, right?

I dont know … it’s as if over the last few days all I can think about is my new house and moving and how HAPPY I feel right now – and that has cancelled out so many of my negative feelings. Plus … I took in a parcel for a neighbour opposite (at the old house) today and when I saw her pull up in her car, I took the parcel out to her and we ended up having a really good chat! She’d noticed me loading up the car with lots of things over the week and I admitted that I was moving out with the children in just over a week. She laughed and told me she’d commented to her partner that “the woman over the road is looking really good these days!” She told me all about her nightmare divorce, how she had lost a butt load of weight afterwards and we had a good old natter! Funny where you find friends eh!

Well anyway, I HAVE been eating over the last few days. I’ve been having something at lunch and something in the evening. Okay it hasn’t been huge mega amounts, but it’s been more than before – and that is a breakthrough for me.

So being thinner doesn’t necessarily equal happy … but obviously ending my marriage and moving out does … sad huh. I STILL feel fat – don’t get me wrong… but I’ve promised myself all along that I will never starve myself and if I am hungry … I WILL eat. It just seems ironic that the closer I get to leaving this place (ie leaving my STBX husband) and moving into my own place … the less I am obsessed about food.

Or it isn’t irony and it’s just frigging obvious that HE has been the cause of all of my stress!!

Found a different BMI calculator

According to the BMI calculator I have been using … 8 stone 13lbs was the lowest “healthy” weight before I am considered underweight … and I do not want to be underweight - I just want to be thin! Well … I found another website – a gov.uk site too, so you gotta assume it is going to be reliable! So anyway, this alternative version that I’ve found says I can get down to 8 stone 9lbs before I am considered underweight – that means I have another 11lbs to go.

All this because a pair of shorts fell down and my STBX husband had “how fat did you used to be” goggle eyes poking out of his head – I’m not thin enough yet.

I’m also cursing myself for eating a proper dinner tonight because I’ll pay for it on the scales in the morning.

Not losing weight quick enough

So what do you do when you are an intelligent woman who KNOWS that if she starves herself she will end up in need of hospitalisation and lose custody of her children not to mention the slope to actual real physical death? What do you do when the scales haven’t shifted in 3 days and you are still 12lbs away from your goal weight?

You know that your goal weight still gives you a healthy BMI and stops you from having an “anorexia nervosa” diagnosis instead of plain ole EDNOS, and you don’t strive to be skin and bones, yet the scales just aren’t moving and you are so frigging FAT AND UGLY.

What do you do?

YOU EAT!

Yes of course you do. It has to be the only time in life that you actually strive to be a loser, and apparently I can’t even win at that.

I actually felt hungry earlier in the afternoon around 2pm and decided to make a sandwich. I use Hovis seeded nutty bread – carbs are bad, but this has protein too and as a vegetarian I need the extra protein. I put a light base of low fat philly spread on it … and then packed it with cucumber and lettuce. I had JUST started making it when my husband decided to start spraying this special paint onto the ceiling to cover up the leak we’d had fixed. The pain fumes overwhelmed me and the little spray bits floated down onto my food.

So I lost my appetite. Husband then hassles me about the fact that I obviously WAS hungry or I wouldn’t have started making a sandwich and purely to avoid an argument I go finish making it and sit there and eat it in front of him. I broke it all off into tiny little bites. It took me forever to eat and each chunk felt nasty as it went down my throat.

It is so HARD TO EAT IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. Especially my husband (because he hassles me) and especially my children … then especially my 10 year old daughter who I want to grow up with a confident body image!!

Husband then decides he’s going to cook a BBQ and always goes way OTT on food. I tell him I would just like some garlic mushrooms and grilled peppers. He rolls his eyes. I end up eating that PLUS two bread rolls.

No wonder the scales haven’t changed, and I bet a million that I’ll have gained in the morning.