STBX has noticed …

… he’s noticed that I am eating more. Does that mean I am eating too much?? Fuck my head is really screwed isn’t it. That wasn’t a question btw – merely a statement of facts. There was a conversation where STBX were discussing safe things. We only tend to have “safe” conversations these days about things that are either “important need to know” stuff or relevant to daily ongoing life and topics like the news, what we heard on the radio, what’s for dinner etc.

Anyway … and appropriately on the subject of what’s for dinner … Sunday STBX likes to cook. He’s an ex chef so it’s in his bones/blood whatever! He also likes to make sure that the children do get at least a couple of proper dinners and SOME vegetables in their diet which is all good as far as I am concerned! He did a roast tonight and when he let me know earlier that he was cooking tonight … I purposely didn’t eat anything at all during the day so that I could have a totally empty belly to eat “proper food” with …

Well there was conversation a little bit later and I don’t even remember how we got onto the subject … STBX was telling me what his weight was – I mentioned I’d lost another pound but that my appetite seemed to have increased over the last few days…

HE SAID YES, HE HAD NOTICED.

So he’s watching me scoffing food now? Does he even know what alarm bells that sets off inside my head??? It says to me I’ll show him – bastard! I won’t be living with him soon and I will show him what a low appetite can do … because I know I DO control my appetite… no really, I do.

Fucker – I won’t even be living with him and STILL he has this frigging control over me and this way of totally altering my perception of myself and snapping my self confidence.  I’ve been feeling so positive lately and he has this way of bringing me right back down.

My appetite HAS increased yes. I put it down to the stress bubbles being popped with every day I get closer to leaving my husband “officially” … but I am keeping a very close eye on the scales and the minute it goes up even by a tiny little pound … well we’ll worry about that if when it happens.

Thoughts on my affair …

I regret breaking my marriage vows and hurting my husband by being even emotionally intimate with another man, let alone having a sexual relationship with someone else while I was married …

But do I regret what I learned about myself through my affair? Hell no with bells on!!

AP (affair partner) taught me so much about my sexuality and about asking for the things I wanted and needed sexually. These were all things that my husband simply refused to talk about and that left me so frustrated and rejected. In return, AP was a man who had also been dealt blows to his self confidence by his ex, and between us we built each other back up again. AP had never had a woman who felt so open and relaxed with him … and I’d never had a man so totally focussed on MY needs. It was a sexual match made in heaven and to be honest it was a case of right place, right time. We met – we were attracted to each other and we filled a void that was missing in each other’s lives.

The thing is – the sexual side dropped off after a few months, and AP and I became good friends. I was dealing with all of the hassle of a failing business as well as my marriage problems, bringing up children … ohh plus I was MARRIED with CHILDREN and represented all of the things AP (a single guy my age) wanted – but could never have (ie a family) while he was seeing me. He on the other hand works from home with major stress, had his mother staying with him when her place got sold under her, so being intimate was out of the question anyway! We just got on well as human beings and although he has “guy friends” and I have “girl friends” … I don’t know … there was just something that kept us in touch with each other.

AP and I TALK. I’m sometimes scared to tell him stuff because I know he will give me an honest answer, but that is what I respect about him and precisely WHY I tell him stuff! He makes me think about my decisions and choices instead of just merely nodding and agreeing that it is a good idea. He is also so INSANELY logical and IS always right. That irritates the crap out of me because I like to be right too! AP is Aquarius and could literally be a poster boy for the definition!

We both agreed a long time ago (we met just over 2 years ago and our sexual affair lasted about 4 months) that a “relationship” was out of the question because we were just too different. I can’t go into the reasons publicly but that we were both attracted to each other and that both couldn’t imagine a life without the other in it.

We kind of also agreed recently that “fuck-buddies” would be a good way to term it because I am going to be single … he is single … and there would be absolutely nothing to stop us enjoying a little bit of errr “fun” because damnit I have to admit, AP is the BEST sex I ever had!

I NEED to stay single! I NEED to not be in a “relationship” and sort my head out, work out what I want & need from my life … but can I handle it and separate the sex from the emotion with AP without convincing myself it is anything other than just sex? I certainly couldn’t the last time my husband and I slept together. Maybe AP is different … because of our past sexual history and lack of “relationship” … maybe it could work.

Grrrr I don’t know. I like this guy a lot – on a physical level as well as a basic level, but he also drives me nuts on so many levels too!! Sometimes I really can see us together in the future, but other times I worry he would bore the crap out of me … then reality kicks in and reminds me that I need to spend at LEAST SIX MONTHS in single-dom so it is irrelevant anyway!

Maybe that’s a good thing … we already know all of each other’s faults … we’re definitely physically attracted to each other … and he knows I come with a heck of a lot of baggage… and we are still here anyway! Maybe that is what scares me about him? Maybe he knows me too well? Maybe I need to completely start from scratch!

At any rate … AP knows I need to be single for a long time … and that is the way it’s going to be. As I have said before I have my own pink toolbox and a stash of vibrators … I’ll be fine!!

No, really … I will!

… and other reasons why I am leaving him!

I had a shower this evening and went rooting around in my wardrobe for something to wear in bed. Until I officially move out of this house on the 25th, my STBX husband and I share a bed, so I HAVE to wear something for modesty’s sake – he don’t get to see THAT no more!

Anyway, I pulled out a pair of shorts, slipped them on, reached up to pull a t-shirt off the hanger, and as my fingers let go of the waistband on the shorts, they just completely fell off! It made me giggle, so I went into his study to show him how huge they were. I said “look how fat I used to be” and the expression on his face was just “oh my god they are like fucking HUGE – yeah look at how FAT you were”

I said “gee thanks, well you always did say I had a fat arse didn’t you” – he said he hadn’t meant it like that, but he didn’t bother checking if I was okay – he just turned back to his computer.

Now sensible Ness says that he doesn’t have to comment – I’m his STBX wife … but ED Ness knows full well from that expression on his face that I always WAS too fat and that’s why he ignored me, neglected me and rejected me.

It’s just another reminder to myself that leaving this man who does NOT offer me emotional support and who does NOT encourage me to feel better about myself and who does NOT help build my self esteem … well, it’s the best thing I can do – and Grrrr moving day can’t come quick enough!!

AND I ate a “proper” dinner tonight.

Signed & Sealed

Been over to the new house today to sign the contracts and hand over my deposit and rent in advance. I needed my mother and my husband to be guarantors as I’ll be claiming housing benefit, so they both came with me.

The kids showed her around the house while I sorted out the paperwork, then when she came downstairs I asked her if she thought the place was okay. She said yes, but just wished it all wasn’t happening – and that is pretty much all she said to me. I feel like I have had NO emotional support from my mother whatsoever. She gets on well with my husband and I know she sees it like I am tearing the family apart because she has told me as much! She didn’t even comment on my weight loss (I haven’t seen her in about 3 weeks as we’ve both been busy) and that upset me. If people I see regularly have noticed the latest drop in weight, then for my own MOTHER to not say anything? She battles with her weight as well, and in the past when I’ve phoned her to tell her I’ve lost a few pounds, her response is “Ahhh shut up” because she hasn’t lost anything etc.

My husband … well he stood there staring out of the window with a face like a wet weekend and saying NOTHING . I could tell HE wished it all wasn’t happening … but even at the point we drove over there to sign the contracts … he didn’t turn around to me and say “Ness, let’s give it just one more shot.” He has just been swept along for the ride in all of this and never ever tried to change the direction.

When we got back from the house, he was in a foul mood and stamped around the house yelling at the youngest for something insignificant. I said “If you had something to say to me then you really should have said it before now.” He replied “And what would have been the point? You would have done it anyway.”

Would I? I can’t answer what would have been because you can’t speculate on things unless you are in that situation! You can make a guestimate at how you will respond, but other than that? It’s all hearsay. The other thing with my husband is that he doesn’t ever say what he means, but he also doesn’t mean what he says half the time either. I can’t live like that.

Example – when we went to the marriage counsellor a couple of years ago and he said he was completely over my affair (that was the point that the sexual side had stopped between me and AP) but admitted a few weeks ago that he never was, he just hadn’t wanted to talk about it. Prime example of not saying what he means in an attempt to move on (i.e. bury his head and ignore it.) Example – our first wedding anniversary where he said “well you are a bit fat aren’t you.” He didn’t MEAN that! He didn’t plan or set out to hurt my feelings! He’d been drunk and it just “came out”. Prime example of not meaning what he says and expecting forgiveness because “he didn’t mean it.”

I can’t live like that. I am 33 years old and far too young to be living a life that makes me so miserable and unhappy. I’ve told him so many times and it only ever makes a difference for such a short amount of time. I have been like a scratched CD doomed to replay that last bit over and over and OVER again.

Nope, I’m not going to do it! I’m not going to mope around and be miserable just to keep my family together and make my kids happy. My children don’t want their family split up – I realise that, but I also realise that THEY WILL BE OKAY!! Especially when their mother proves her indepenance to the world herself and figures out how to finally turn off that frigging self destruct button!

I’m going to damned well get out there and make my new house the best home for me and the kids. I am going to make the most of my life and my surroundings and find out what it takes to TRULY make me happy, and I realise that the only way to do that and to recover as a person and as an individual is to do that by myself.

I truly hope that he does too. Much as there is a lot that has gone on between us, I don’t want him to be miserable or unhappy either! I want him to discover his own life and do the things he has always wanted to do as well. I think he also has a lot of soul searching to do, and maybe being forced into a single life will make him reasses himself as well.

On the upside, I ate several food groups today! My husband is a very good cook and decided a few days ago that sunday evening would be a roast dinner. He asked me if it was worth asking me what I wanted and I said that a “proper” meal cooked for me would probably be a good thing. He did roast potatoes, broccoli, carrots and beef. I’m vegetarian so I obviously didn’t eat any of the beef, but I did manage two roast potatoes and a whole piece of broccoli. That was like two food groups in one sitting. Amazing.

I then had dessert too. Yes truly. I ate a portion (albeit a very small one) of calorie laden cheesecake and a couple of spoonfuls of ice cream too.

That’s probably more in one sitting than I’ve had all week. Almost weird isn’t it …

I also didn’t throw up this morning! For anybody who is not familiar, for the past 18 months or so I have been uncontrollably sick in the morning. NOT pregnant and had blood tests to prove I am perfectly healthy and nothing physically wrong with me. Doctor puts it down to stress.

It just struck me as ironic that the DAY I sign the contracts on my new house and my new life … I don’t throw up and I sit down to a proper dinner AND pudding! Ok so the portion size probably wouldn’t have filled up a mouse, but it was progress for me!

I do still want to lose weight … I still desperately want to lose another 8-9lbs and I know then that is my rock bottom healthy weight and I will NOT sink further or lower than that. My new life will be a chance to change ALL of the rules.

My eating disorder is getting worse …

I weighed myself today … HAH that sounds funny. I weigh myself like a million times a day so I don’t know what made me start a post with that. Well, anyway I noticed that the scales have been dropping again after standstill for 4 days. I have lost 42lbs in total and I now weigh 134lbs (9 stone 8lbs / just under 61kg) – I am 5’8″ tall for those that care.

I have been very aware that what originally started as weight loss has rapidly turned into very restrictive eating. It began when I started to be very picky about the foods that I would eat and I had a very bland and basic diet with very little flavour. It also started with a simple “loss of appetite” – I wasn’t eating as much. I was also telling myself that because I did eat when I felt hungry (which wasn’t often) that everything was okay. It wasn’t – it isn’t. It’s so far from fucking okay that I don’t know what to do.

The trouble is, I don’t know what I can do about it because I am not hungry. I feel full up and bloated and it would be like asking someone to eat a 5 course meal and THEN have cheese & crackers with coffee afterwards and maybe some mint chocolate wafers if there is room! I have no desire to eat and no appetite. Food and meals that I used to love and look forward to, I can barely stomach a mouthful of because I don’t ever actually feel hungry. I eat food purely to exist.

I have eaten three quarters of a slice of toast with low fat spread on it today. I only ate that because I realised I hadn’t had anything at all and I knew I should have SOMETHING. I made two slices and couldn’t even manage the whole of one slice!

See, when I think about people “starving themselves” I always imagined rumbling bellies and the “hungry monster” saying FEED ME, but although I realise I am technically starving my body … how can I be starving and not hungry? Just one of my daily battles / issues.

My original starting weight (which wasn’t actually my heaviest) was 176lbs, and then on the 28th July I weighed myself and made a note of my weight and measurements. That was the day I was sitting cross legged on the sofa looking at my bulging fat stomach and hideous body and decided to do something about it. That was the point the ED which had been laying dormant kicked in and reared it’s ugly head. It was only ever meant to be about losing some weight and watching what I ate. It was never meant to turn into uncontrollable anorexic behaviours.

Anyway, the measurements … I was 176lbs at my recorded heaviest ….

28th JULY ’08
11 stone 4 / 158lbs
Waist – 32″
Hips – 44″
BMI – 24.02

TODAY
9 stone 8lbs /134lbs
Waist – 28″
Hips – 37″
BMI – 20.2

I have lost 24lbs – almost 2 stone in the 3 months since I made a note of my weight and measurements on July 28th, and I’ve lost 42lbs in total  -but even that doesn’t count my heaviest, so you can probably add another 10lbs to my total loss. At my heaviest I have no idea what I weighed as I didn’t own scales then (probably didn’t want to know!!), but I remember shopping for a summer dress and buying a UK size 18 (US 14). I was never that heavy for long and then settled around a UK size 14-16 (US 10-12) within the top limits of the “normal” boundaries.

I’ve also dropped 4″ from my waist and 7″ from my hips. I have been through my wardrobe throwing stuff away so many times over the last few months! I now own that I can wear on my bottom half …

My “new size 12 jeans” (which are already loose on the waist)
A pair of Gap size 12 brown jeans
White loose leg draw string trousers size 14

 Yeah .. that’s it. I basically wear my jeans or my Gap brown ones and alternate them in the wash. The white draw string ones look ridiculous on me unless I wear a long top. I have plenty of tops, but I literally have nothing else for the bottom!! I bought the Gap brown jeans from eBay a while ago when I started losing weight so I would have something to wear when I got where I originally wanted to be. When I got them I couldn’t even get them over my hips … then after a while I could slide them over my hips but there was no way they were getting zipped up … then they almost got zipped up … then they fitted perfectly … now they are a little loose around the waist.

According to measurement crap thingies I looked up tonight I am now officially a UK 10-12 (US 6-8) and I am hanging on for that elusive UK size 8 but I think hope I will be happy at a UK 10.

I was overweight for so many years, then I sat at the very top end of the “healthy” weight range for such a long time. With regards to where I am now … well that depends on which website you ask!! I am around 10lbs away from being at the top end of underweight. My current goal is to lose another 9lbs to get to 125. This will give me a BMI of 19 and be at the top end of underweight for my height … but still have a healthy BMI.

People are now really noticing the weight loss and I’m getting comments like … “You look great but you really don’t want to lose any more.” WTF is that supposed to mean? I was too fat and now I am too thin? It’s like all the while you exist within the boundaries of being normal to slightly overweight that you get ignored and overlooked … then when you lose 42lbs and nearly dip into the “underweight” catagory – that all of a sudden people open their eyes to you and feel a need to comment on how you look!

 What worries me … and REALLY worries me is that I am losing weight as a side effect of simply not being hungry. I know I have an issue with my weight and with food … and the doctor diagnosed me with EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified)

I want to lose another 9lbs to get to my goal weight of 125 (8 stone 13) which is still within the boundaries of “normal” for my 5’8″ height … but I am also only 12lbs away from a BMI of 18.5 and 3 missed periods away from going from EDNOS with anorexic bahaviours to diagnosable anorexia nervosa. This is not something I am striving for! Trust me I don’t want to be noticed… I want to disappear into the crowds with my head down and just get on with my life. I want to be thin and slim – yes, but not to the detriment of my physical health (it’s ok I know my emotional health is screwed!!!)

I look at pictures of skin and bones “anorexics” and I do NOT want to look like that. I want to get rid of the flab from my stomach and my hips & thighs. Funnily enough my arse is shaping up okay!! It is SO weird for me to say that because I have hated my bum for years … but with the inches I have lost from my hips, it has made a phenomenal difference, and even with my blindsightedness … even *I* can see that my arse isn’t anywhere near as big as it used to be!

I am SO WORRIED about so many things …

I worry that …

• I am losing too much weight but haven’t lost enough weight at the same time.
• If I lose more than the 9lbs I want to lose to get to my target of 125 or don’t start eating “normally” at that point, then I will be 3 missed periods away from diagnosable anorexia nervosa and that scares me.
• When I reach 125lbs (8 stone 13) I will still feel the need to lose more.
• If I reach 125lbs and am happy with my weight, that I will get fat by eating normally.
• I will never eat normally again.
• That my “self destructive” behaviours will carry on even after I’ve moved out and I won’t have my husband as an excuse.
• I am making a mistake by finally ending the marriage and leaving despite how bad it has got, and that nobody will love me as much as my husband does did.
• That I will never be able to trust anybody in the future. I had an affair – how can I be sure that it will never happen to me? How can I be sure that nobody will cheat on me … and from the other side, how can I reassure someone else that I will never ever EVER do anything like that again and it was purely because my marriage was so awful and my self esteem was so low that I was unfaithful.
• That for whatever reason, the tax credits and the fact I have a business (that doesn’t generate profit currently) will mean I won’t qualify for housing benefit and I will have to move out of my new house and possibly move in with my mother. I have two months rent in advance – in cash to give to the landlady which should easily cover the period till the housing benefit award comes in … and I’ve worked out a way to cover half of the rent myself each month by scrimping and saving … so as long as housing benefit cover HALF of it … I will be okay, but I still worry.
• My son has ADHD & Aspergers. I worry that he won’t be able to cope with the changes and that he will resent me.

Ugh I have so many demons.

My self destruct button

Marriage counselling aside … I have other things going on in my head today that I need to get out on “paper” but I needed to make a separate post about the therapy appointment as it was important.

Okay … I posted yesterday about how the scales had finally dropped another 2lbs, so there I am this morning in the bathroom jumping up and down like a crazy woman (read naked crazy woman) going utterly ballistic because the scales showed a pound GAIN today. I ate half a frigging sandwich yesterday (wholemeal bread, no butter, just low fat cream cheese and half a tomato) and I already knew as soon as the numbers showed up that I would eat nothing and limit my liquid to just water today. That would mean just half a sandwich in 2 days and if that doesn’t get the frigging scales to move then nothing will.

I know I shouldn’t weigh myself every day and obsessively track every frigging detail in excel (I have a very pretty colour coded spreadsheet that I designed to track my weight, measurements and BMI) because I KNOW that it fluctuates. I KNOW I should weigh once a week and measure every 2-3 weeks … but that doesn’t stop me doing it daily, and when it comes to the scales … *sigh* ok, I weigh myself at least 6 times a day as a minimum.

Weighing involves stripping completely naked and removing all jewellery because it all counts. I even realised that if I am weighing myself while I have my period, then I need to remove the tampon because the extra weight of a frigging TAMPON makes a difference. Well it does – everything weighs SOMETHING!!

It was around 4pm this afternoon that I stripped naked in the bathroom and weighed myself yet again. It occurred to me that the thought in my head was definitely a self destruct one – which was ironic after what the therapist had said earlier about my self destruct button and how I punish myself so severely.

Well anyway, the thought I had was … “I am going to weigh myself again to see if I can eat anything.” Like magically starving myself for a day and a half will suddenly magically make me drop 10lbs.

I had dropped 8oz so I “allowed myself” to eat scrambled eggs on toast. I used 2 eggs in the microwave so that there was no fat, and used low fat spread on two slices of toast. I ate exactly half. I know it was exactly half because I spooned out the eggs onto the toast so that it was utterly precise. I knew I would only eat half of it and I HATE WASTE … it just seems to be one of the “things” I have developed, one of my “rules” if you like … that provided I am eating something diet or low fat, and I only eat half of it – then I will lose weight and won’t gain any more.

I KNOW it is wrong. I KNOW it is. The thing is … it doesn’t help. I am an INTELLIGENT woman! I have 13 GCSEs (yes 13 – I went back and did more) and 4 A-levels. I am not stupid. I understand what I am doing to myself. I understand how fucked up it will make my body and I have blogging friends who are so so SO beyond where I want to be with regards to anorexia and being so ill and who are now on the road to recovery … yet here I am on this self destruct journey that I know I control … but daily I am starting to see that it is beginning to control me.

How can I even THINK about being so painfully thin and ill and underweight when I am STILL SO FAT?

The thing is – and this is what scares me … I am beginning to LIKE living with an eating disorder. It almost gives me a reason to feel special even though very few people know the actual extent of it. I like the way that I can’t control a lot of things in my life right now … but one thing I CAN control is my decision to make myself happy with my body by losing weight and being thinner, even though I KNOW from reading blogs like Lola’s that being thin does not necessarily equate to being happy … but when you are still fat it’s hard to believe that truly and deeply… even when you WANT your friends to recover and be healthy and how it really boosts your mood to read about how WELL they are doing in recovery.

I am a UK size 12 (US size 8) which is apparently a very healthy and “normal” weight to be, so I keep telling myself that I am FINE … that it is OKAY because people don’t look at me and see somebody struggling with anorexia … they see someone who has lost weight and is looking good. When I talk about being fat – people look at me with a quizzical expression on their faces as if to say “but you aren’t fat” … and no, I am not as fat as I used to be – I’ve lost 38lbs – almost 3 stone (17kg) but I am still fat.

I stayed out of the house after the therapy appointment today for as long as possible (avoidance), and I knew that by coming home around 5pm that I would be walking into a house full of cooking smells (my husband worked from home today so he cooked dinner for the children) and as soon as I walked through the door, he announced that he hadn’t bothered cooking anything for me because it wasn’t worth it and didn’t want to waste food.

My husband knows about my eating disorder because err he lives with me and also because I wrote him a long email a few days ago describing exactly what I was going through and why I blamed him for a lot of it. I laid it on the line and said his comment to me on our first wedding anniversary was what really kicked it off … (“well you are a bit fat aren’t you”) and even in therapy today when she was talking to me about my ED and trying to help me figure out where it started … I had to admit that before I met my husband, I had a big bum but I had never had any self confidence or body issues.

So back to tonight … I KNEW he wouldn’t have cooked for me but why did he feel the need to make such a big deal of it? He’s known for a long time that I have food / eating “issues” and even after I told him about it … he never did want to talk to me about it.

I also find it SO HARD to eat in front of him. I have issues with HIM and I have issues with FOOD, so to put the two together … well let’s just say pull pin and stand well back. I hate how he watches me take every mouthful and rolls his eyes when I put my knife and fork down on my plate after two mouthfuls. I just stopped eating in front of him. It was just easier. I usually do the kids their dinner early … he sorts himself out when he gets home from work, and I tell the kids I will eat later. It’s weekends and days he works from home that I am caused such anguish with having to try to force food down my throat in front of my children.

It’s not even the children … it’s my daughter. She is ten years old and just entering puberty so her body is changing and developing and she is aware of boys, fashion, peer pressure and her body. I catch her prodding her belly every now and again and it scares the crap out of me that she has noticed my weight loss, noticed my lack of eating and put two and two together. I do NOT want her to go through this, but I also know I am A HEALTHY WEIGHT and not currently at any risk of any danger and I am so DESPERATE to drop another 10lbs or so. I try to make sure my daughter sees me eat and I talk to her a lot about how she has a very healthy diet – she has a lot of fruit & veg and the right amount of naughty stuff for a balanced diet. She also gets plenty of exercise through school and her clubs and I need to keep her focussed on THAT not me.

I think I am doing a good job. She is very grown up for her ten years and I try to treat her like a grown up – just without all of the details. She needs to know that I trust and respect her … because to get respect you have to give it. She’s a good kid and dealing with the marriage breakdown very well. Her younger brother on the other hand is a whole other kettle of fish for a whole other post.

Ugh there is just so much going on in my head. Part of me is wondering even now that if my husband had stopped looking at porn the first time I asked him to … whether we would still be here and whether *I* would be here with my eating disorder. I need to make it clear I don’t actually have an ISSUE with porn when it’s used in a “healthy” relationship … but ours was definitely NOT healthy and he was ignoring me in favour of porn. That’s different.

Then again, if it HAD made a difference, I’d be a lot fatter by now (or at least 38lbs heavier), so maybe this was just meant to be.

I watched a little bit of Lorraine Kelly on TV this morning. I don’t usually watch that and am usually out of the house, but I was taking my time. I caught the end of an interview LK was doing with a recovered anorexic and LK mentioned how if you are going through things like this, then to check the GMTV website for positive information. I looked it up and was HORRIFIED!!! Alongside these very VERY basic articles were adverts from sponsors … about LOSING WEIGHT?!?!?!?!

What does an anorexic REALLY need to see when they are thinking about recovery and positive input? Yeah, they REALLY need to see adverts for Weight Watchers. They would have done better sticking an ad for new cars up there … at least then we could sit here and read their crappy articles and have new car lust instead of new thin lust.

Grrrr pissed me off … sent them a narky email. Never heard back — funny that!

It’s a fine line isn’t it .. my “healthy” weight and my “healthy” BMI of 20 means I do not qualify for a diagnosis of anorexia nervosa, although according to my doctor, I have anorexic behaviours and issues around food and eating. Nope, I am plain ole EDNOS – “eating disorder not otherwise specified” and what makes it worse??? Periods … yeah periods … our ole monthly friend. To qualify for the diagnosis, you need to have missed at least three in a row

My last period finished 3 weeks ago … my current period started just under a week ago… I had just two weeks in between! What the fuck sort of sense does that make? Is it my body’s way of fighting back saying nooo we’re happy being EDNOS till you are thin enough? How does that justify giving me two in a month?!?!

Swooped off my feet

I saw AP this afternoon and he picked me up – ummm literally! He bent down, put one arm between my legs and the other on my waist and swooped me up, spun me around in the air and put me back down again! I have NEVER been light enough to have a guy pick me up and spin me around!!

I hadn’t expected to see him today especially with how truly awful I looked with my big red puffy swollen eyes. He’s seen me at my complete worst several times now and it doesn’t seem to scare him off. It was pretty obvious that I had been crying, so of course he asked. I hadn’t wanted to tell him because even though AP and I aren’t in a “relationship” – we have been intimate and talking to him about being rejected by my husband … well not a conversation I wanted to have with AP.

So I skirted around that part, but I talked to him about the empty raw pain in the pit of my belly – about how low I had been feeling and about how I knew more than ever that moving on and moving forward was the best thing I could do. AP’s last relationship was a pretty bad break-up so I know he understands that part.

AP – You’ve definitely lost weight. If you lose much more I’ll have to take you to get a bum implant. Where HAS your bum gone?
ME – Just another 12lbs, it’s all I want to lose now.

He came behind me and grabbed my bum saying “Ohh there it is” … it did make me feel good. I was wearing the new jeans again. Worth every fucking penny with the self confidence I’ve had from them. They are still 2 sizes bigger than I need to be, but every pound off is worth a million.

I’m in a weird place with AP … see I don’t want to swap one needy emotional relationship for another, but I can’t help the way he makes me feel – no, I LOVE the way he makes me feel and I’m not stupid. I know we wouldn’t work as a proper couple and that I’m not in love with him… but in the meantime we are sexually attracted to each other and he is so good to flirt with … is it so BAD??

I came home and was actually hungry and I made a sandwich – just low fat cheese spread on wholemeal bread with some sliced tomatoes. Funny really … my husband puts me off my food. I lose all appetite around him, but after seeing AP and having my confidence boosted, I ate CARBS and didn’t feel like the world was about to end!!

It was good … being literally picked up as well as emotionally picked up.

Clothes shopping with an eating disorder

It is so weird to wear something that actually fits me. I like it … no, really I do. I like the way that these new jeans hug my figure, show off my shrinking body and frame my backside. I like the way they are tight and I can see the gap at the top of my legs.

Okay that is all a lie – except for the bit about the gap at the top of my legs. I do REALLY like that.

I DO like the jeans though – hell for £25 I’d better do – I don’t exactly have money to waste … and I’ve had a lot of positive compliments on how good I looked wearing them today which has helped with the self confidence thing, but UGH I have to admit I miss my baggy clothes. Wearing clothes that almost fall off of me make me feel so much thinner.

These jeans fit perfectly, and if my clothes fit me perfectly then I need to lose more weight so that they are baggy so that it is visually obvious that I have lost weight. Although they do fit “perfectly” I look so FAT in them. I am also not yet the size that I thought/hoped I would be by now.

Going shopping was always going to be a strange experience … not reaching for the larger sizes but at the same time not being entirely sure what size I was … and knowing that no matter WHAT size I ended up buying, it would never be small enough.

I took a UK14, a UK12 and a UK10 into the dressing room. Before my eating disorder bit me on the behind, I was a very unhappy and FAT size 14-16.

I tried on the large size first and immediately felt fabulous. I didn’t even bother doing them up because it wouldn’t have been worth it – they would have fallen off anyway.

I wanted so so so so desperately to fit into the size 10, but I didn’t even try them on in the end. I knew that it would just upset me if they ended up being too tight because then I really WOULD feel fat to try to button it up over a muffin top blobby stretch marked stomach and I am not that thin yet.

Instead … I confidently (yeah I know – weird!) tried on the UK12 and they fitted. Actually they are a little large around the waist band, but they are stretch denim, and the fact that they are a little big gives me the boost to my ego that I need.

A UK size 12 is apparently perfect! Can you believe that? It’s the ideal figure for UK women (well, the ones I’ve spoken to anyway and ones who don’t have eating disorders). If you are size 12 then you are officially something that others are jealous of.

I don’t give a frigging monkey’s left armpit what other people consider perfect and ideal. I couldn’t give a hoot if people are jealous of MY body because *I* hate and detest it and am working on changing it. It isn’t about what the rest of the world think … it’s my life and my issue. My problem – period.

The calm after the storm

Ohh I drank a LOT last night. I was so very ANGRY with my husband for everything because I realised that so many of my body issues and the way that I feel NOW go back years and years … and I blame him. He has said some really cruel things to me without meaning to or intending to hurt me at the time, and I have come to realise that some of those things have caused my deep seated anxieties, the issues around my weight and my whole self confidence problem.

** Is that a control thing? It’s easier to blame someone else for my eating disorder than myself?

The funny thing is … I had such a blindingly good day today considering the night I had and the GUILT that I felt over eating that bit of pizza last night. Ohh and I justified that to myself today by only having a sandwich, so I HAVE eaten, but I’ve also compensated for a pizza yesterday. 

Funny, I don’t ever count my alcohol calories … it’s like they are the only necessary food group that I have!

I wore my “comfortable knickers” today. One of the only pairs of underwear I have that still fit me!! (I SO need to go SHOPPING!) from M&S (UK chain store) and they are the black seamless stretchy lycra kind. Not exactly “sexy” but not entirely “unsexy” either, but they ARE the most comfy knickers in the world … Just had to mention that as it’s kinda relevant to what happened later …

I saw AP (my affair partner) today. I haven’t seen him for a couple of weeks since my husband found out that I was still friends with him. Incase you haven’t read my back posts or don’t know the story, I had an affair that started around September 2006 … it lasted around 4-5 months and eventually ended up as a pleutonic friendship when the sexual side dropped off. I haven’t had sex with AP since the affair ended at the start of 2007 although we’ve stayed friends and always been a bit flirty since then. AP always did boost my self confidence – it’s why I fell into an affair with him in the first place. 

There never was anything “romantic” with AP and I never did have any illusions about a life with him if I ever did leave my husband. We were two people who met – who had a need for each other in our respective lives at that time. I wasn’t the only one dealing with self esteem issues either – AP went through a lot of shit with his ex girlfriend… but at the end of the day we always did talk about how there never really was a future for us – it’s why it developed into a friends thing.

The sexual side ended between us because ultimately he wants to settle down and be part of a family … and I was a married woman who represented the things he could never have. But … we’ve always carried on our friendship and a kind of flirting – we’ve always been attracted to each other and I’ve always let him. I guess it’s the self confidence thing… but damnit I always did find him so f***ing attractive!

Anyway, AP didn’t DIDN’T comment on my weight today or hassle me about how much I had eaten. He just asked me if I was okay, then asked me if I was sure … and then he kissed me.

AP’s kisses are something else. They draw me out of whatever world I may be daydreaming into and no matter how much I battle against the thoughts inside me telling me not to kiss him back … I can’t help it. If you have ever been kissed the way you WANT to be kissed, then you know what I am talking about.

Soft at first … gentle and ohh so tender, but with a passion you know is just waiting to get started. Slowly it builds and you both feel it as the desire rises and you feel those fantastic warm glowy feelings that start at your tingly toes and work all the way up and then float right out of the top of your head.

Yeah … it felt good, and for the FIRST time in weeks I actually had a smile on my face!

Nothing happened … well other than a whole lot of kissing … AP has his own “body issues” that he deals with … he has a lump on his groin area – nothing to worry about and nothing infectious – purely a cyst … but he feels uncomfortable and doesn’t want it “seen” or be sexual until he has had a chance to get to the doctor about removing it. .

If anyone understands body issues and not feeling sexual because of the way you look … then I do!

The funny thing is … and this goes back to my comfy knickers that I mentioned earlier … it has been a pure co-incidence that whenever I have worn this particular pair … AP and I have ended up being flirty with each other and I’d mentioned that to him before. He spotted what I was wearing and laughed, telling me I was even wearing my “I’m gonna get horny” underwear! The mad thing is – these are such comfy NON sexual knickers! LOL

I have felt as sexual as a slug until so recently (err today!) Even when my husband and I had drunken sex the other night … I didn’t really feel sexual – that was more of a simple biological urge!! AP just wakes up things inside of me that have been buried for so long – and he makes me feel GOOD.

AP said to me today that the sparkle was back in my eyes again and that it was nice to see. Hell, It was nice to feel.

What is it with people?!?!

People have bugged the crap out of me today. Not just any ole people either, but friends who have felt the need to comment and judge me just because I’ve lost weight!

…. waiting for the children outside the school gates.
ME – Brrrr it’s cold today.
BF1 – Nope it’s just you. Skinny bitch. Nothing to keep you warm.
ME – *laughing* Hardly.
BF1 – Yeah right! If you lose much more you’ll fade away.
ME – Have a laugh!
BF1 – Seriously girlfriend, you are looking really pale and gaunt. I’m just worried about you.

…. a little later – different friend.
BF2 – You really have lost a lot of weight haven’t you.
ME – Yeah I’ve lost a bit.
BF2 *knowing look* Yeah right, how much?
ME – Umm, thirty six pounds.
BF2 – What’s that in stone?
ME – Just over two and a half stone.
BF2 – Fuck! It really shows. You probably shouldn’t lose any more though.

WTF???

I’ve ALWAYS been pale … I have blonde hair, I am fair skinned and the sun doesn’t agree with me. Being pale comes with the territory. As to gaunt? No way … my face has slimmed down with the weight I’ve lost, but I am definitely NOT gaunt. What IS it with people? I was overweight before … at 12 stone 6lbs (174lbs) I WAS overweight and fat for my 5’8″ height, and yes, I have lost a lot of weight … 36lbs to be precise plus a whole pile of inches too, but I’m 9 stone 12lbs now (138lbs) and that is a PERFECT AVERAGE weight for my height, so why are people telling me that I should stop now?

I know that I battle with my weight and body issues. I have done for many years and I still will do for years to come, but it bugs the crap out of me that especially when I am dealing with so much else that my friends can’t actually be happy for me that I am doing something to boost my flagging self esteem!!!

I ATE today too. I want to throw that out there. After the emotional start I had to the day, and not achieving much at work, then talking to AP … I was actually hungry this afternoon. Yeah I know, it surprised me too! One thing I have ALWAYS promised myself is that no matter WHAT … if I AM hungry then I WILL eat something. I want to lose weight and be slim, but I am NOT going to starve myself to death either. A day where I am hungry and I eat something isn’t going to kill me in the long run. See, I’m still sensible.

I had three slices of toast and a piece of cheddar cheese which is actually a fair bit for me … and then tonight I had another one of those Tesco filo pastry mushroom thingys which are 400 cals… not that I’m counting calories, I just happened to notice it said that on the front of the box when I looked for how long to chuck it in the oven for! It’s actually the first day in a while that I’ve felt hungry, so I made sure I ate something. The mushrooms tick the vegetable box, the cheese & pastry tick the fat & protein boxes, and the toast earlier (Hovis best of both) is carbs. When you’ve had no appetite for a long time and lived on very little for days … that’s progress!

The thing is, I am NOT ready to stop yet. I’ve just spent a good twenty minutes in front of the full length mirror and although I can SEE that I have lost weight and I KNOW I have lost weight … I do still have so much still to go.

See, this is where the “intelligent woman” inside me puts on the “In Charge” hat in regards to my EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) diagnosis. I KNOW that anorexics view themselves as fat when they actually have bones jutting out all over the place, and that is not me. I am currently a “perfect” weight, but I still have very fat thighs and a huge stomach that is very visible in front of me as I am sat here typing this!

What is wrong with not wanting to be average? What is wrong with being fed up of spending my life so far on the other side of the “normal & average” healthy weight check box? Why the fuck shouldn’t I make myself happier by wanting to be on the bottom end of it instead of the top end?? People never hassled me before about being fat or overweight … yet they hassle me now about having lost that weight that DID make me fat and DID put me into the “slightly overweight for height” catagory … despite the fact that at 5’8″ and 138lbs (BMI of 20.5) I am technically perfect!

It’s not like I am seeing things that aren’t there either … I can physically GRAB the flab that is still left on my stomach with both hands and my thighs wobble unbelievably. Maybe I need to exercise more too.

I have set myself lots of smaller goals along the way with my weight loss … it makes it easier to achieve if you break it up into chunks. My current goal is to drop to 8 stone 13lbs (125) with a 5lb comfort zone of up to 9 stone 4lbs (130) and to then maintain and exist in that zone. I don’t see what is wrong with that. It will still give me a healthy BMI and mean that FINALLY I will be thin!