Divorce, eating, new house, …ohh and sex!

Thought that would get your attention – it’s all true! Ya know this is the strangest thing – my stress levels are LOWER!! I’m doing more and under MORE pressure … but yet happier than ever before …

So are you gonna blog regularly now?? so what is next for Ness?
Well … with my new life and a new start… I figured time for a fresh new blog to celebrate, so this will be my last post here. l don’t want to dwell on my old life and need to focus on the new one… so a new blog!

…. Woah hang on a minute – you mentioned sex in the title?
Umm that I did … you’ll have to read my new blog to find out everything!!

Where’s the new blog at?
You can now find me dutifully blogging at http://itspink.wordpress.com/

With love – Ness x

9 days and counting!

My boy has been poorly ALL day so I kept him off school. Seriously this kid doesn’t ever actually stop (he has ADHD & Aspergers) and goes at like 300mph unless he is asleep … or ill … in which case he just STOPS – literally!! Well, right now he is stopped!!! He slept ALL day other than waking up around 3-4 times when he got force fed liquids and liquid paracetamp; (errr tylenol in the US – I think!) and I put him to bed around 8pm. It’s now just gone midnight so he has pretty much slept an entire 24 hours.

 For him to sleep most of the day and barely show interest in food … well you know he isn’t well! STBX was also working from home today, so although I wanted desperately to stay with my poorly little boy … I also had a NEED to get out of the house away from STBX because the atmosphere is truly TRULY awful – we are both literally on countdown until I move out.

Plus I’d had a text from AP. There was something he’d left at my old workshop that he needed (convenient eh) so we arranged to meet there this afternoon. Ohh it was good to see him. I won’t deny that and I had to thoroughly restrain myself did a useless job at restraining myself. He smelled incredible (Cool Water) and looked fabulous (obviously freshly showered & shaved). We weren’t there long as I didn’t want to be away from my son for long, but yes there may have been some kissing involved.

Okay there may have been some groping through jeans and perhaps a little nipple sucking.

We even talked about how I NEED to stay away from relationships for a long time – his response was that you are supposed to be single for half the length of your last relationship to truly get over it. I was with STBX for 12 years in total. Does that mean being single now for six years???

I just laughed and told AP that I still planned on using him for just sex though. He didn’t have many complaints about that! Surprising eh LOL! He also knows that nothing will happen until I have moved house and sorted out my head… and he wants to go to the doctor for a general check-up first anyway. I totally respect that. I actually went to a clinic for a sexual health check after my affair with AP ended and I was okay/clean. I know I haven’t slept with anyone else other than AP and STBX, and to be truthful I don’t think AP has either, but I’m totally ok with his wanting to get checked up first. It’s been a LONG time since he and I were sexual and I respect him for it. It also means that with a clean bill of health for both of us … well it’s kind of a mature way to approach a “friends with benefits” relationship.

We weren’t there long – maybe ten minutes or so … but it was enough to wake up that small insignificant part of me that actually quite likes myself (shameful huh!!) but THAT is what AP does for me that my STBX never did. I was laying on the floor (moved all the chairs out already) while he was nibbling my boobs through my t-shirt and I WASN’T thinking about whether my shirt was riding up and my belly was exposed. I was just lost in the feeling good factor… and ohh it felt good … especially when it wasn’t through a t-shirt … or  a bra …

It felt incredible and this man has the ability to sweep me off my feet sexually, but I needed to stay grounded and get back for my son… so I was very restrained – so was he! LOL

I visited my house for a bit this evening too – LOL I love saying that! I built my desk which will go in the dining room and then just pottered around for a bit. I have developed this habit of laying on the space where my bed will be before I go … and just enjoying the space.

It’s officially gone midnight in the UK which means 9 days till moving day… and it can’t come soon enough!!

Thoughts on my affair …

I regret breaking my marriage vows and hurting my husband by being even emotionally intimate with another man, let alone having a sexual relationship with someone else while I was married …

But do I regret what I learned about myself through my affair? Hell no with bells on!!

AP (affair partner) taught me so much about my sexuality and about asking for the things I wanted and needed sexually. These were all things that my husband simply refused to talk about and that left me so frustrated and rejected. In return, AP was a man who had also been dealt blows to his self confidence by his ex, and between us we built each other back up again. AP had never had a woman who felt so open and relaxed with him … and I’d never had a man so totally focussed on MY needs. It was a sexual match made in heaven and to be honest it was a case of right place, right time. We met – we were attracted to each other and we filled a void that was missing in each other’s lives.

The thing is – the sexual side dropped off after a few months, and AP and I became good friends. I was dealing with all of the hassle of a failing business as well as my marriage problems, bringing up children … ohh plus I was MARRIED with CHILDREN and represented all of the things AP (a single guy my age) wanted – but could never have (ie a family) while he was seeing me. He on the other hand works from home with major stress, had his mother staying with him when her place got sold under her, so being intimate was out of the question anyway! We just got on well as human beings and although he has “guy friends” and I have “girl friends” … I don’t know … there was just something that kept us in touch with each other.

AP and I TALK. I’m sometimes scared to tell him stuff because I know he will give me an honest answer, but that is what I respect about him and precisely WHY I tell him stuff! He makes me think about my decisions and choices instead of just merely nodding and agreeing that it is a good idea. He is also so INSANELY logical and IS always right. That irritates the crap out of me because I like to be right too! AP is Aquarius and could literally be a poster boy for the definition!

We both agreed a long time ago (we met just over 2 years ago and our sexual affair lasted about 4 months) that a “relationship” was out of the question because we were just too different. I can’t go into the reasons publicly but that we were both attracted to each other and that both couldn’t imagine a life without the other in it.

We kind of also agreed recently that “fuck-buddies” would be a good way to term it because I am going to be single … he is single … and there would be absolutely nothing to stop us enjoying a little bit of errr “fun” because damnit I have to admit, AP is the BEST sex I ever had!

I NEED to stay single! I NEED to not be in a “relationship” and sort my head out, work out what I want & need from my life … but can I handle it and separate the sex from the emotion with AP without convincing myself it is anything other than just sex? I certainly couldn’t the last time my husband and I slept together. Maybe AP is different … because of our past sexual history and lack of “relationship” … maybe it could work.

Grrrr I don’t know. I like this guy a lot – on a physical level as well as a basic level, but he also drives me nuts on so many levels too!! Sometimes I really can see us together in the future, but other times I worry he would bore the crap out of me … then reality kicks in and reminds me that I need to spend at LEAST SIX MONTHS in single-dom so it is irrelevant anyway!

Maybe that’s a good thing … we already know all of each other’s faults … we’re definitely physically attracted to each other … and he knows I come with a heck of a lot of baggage… and we are still here anyway! Maybe that is what scares me about him? Maybe he knows me too well? Maybe I need to completely start from scratch!

At any rate … AP knows I need to be single for a long time … and that is the way it’s going to be. As I have said before I have my own pink toolbox and a stash of vibrators … I’ll be fine!!

No, really … I will!

The Final Irony

Well, I sobbed long into the night and then woke up with eyes like piss holes in the snow after about two hours of very disturbed sleep. I am very tired and look like shit. This isn’t actually a “see it different in your head than it is in the mirror” thing either – I have very red puffy eyes, my eyes are slitty, I’m exhausted and I look like I have been crying all night! Funny that!

My husband heard my middle-of-the-night sobbing and came downstairs around 3am to talk. The general concensus from him is that he thought this was all a done deal and that there wasn’t anything to talk about. He was very matter of fact and I felt utterly destroyed.

It’s ironic really … when it all first started going wrong, our mis matched sex drives resulted in sex going completely out of the window and him rejecting me sexually in bed. THEN when we are in the process of separating .. he dangles a sex carrot in front of me – sleeps with me because it is convenient for HIM – and then rejects me when I suggest getting out the carrot and scratching the itch again!!

I don’t know that I am capable of separating sex and intimacy … and I think I am being way too clingy, needy and desperate. And fat of course.

Sex never IS just sex.

I should NOT have had sex with him last night.

C’mon I’m a girl … albeit a 33 year old one, but a girl nonetheless and emotions always get in the way. Sex never can be just sex, especially when it is with a person you have known for twelve years and even more so when it is your husband you are in the process of separating from! What WAS I thinking!!

I spent the morning in a complete and utter state of confusion about everything. Part of me kept remembering how warm, safe and familiar it felt in my husband’s arms. I thought about the good times we’d had, imagined putting all of this crap behind us and moving on, but I knew it would just never work. We’ve been there and done that too many times now. It wasn’t as if the sex didn’t FEEL good … but as the day went on I also remembered how much built up animosity and frustration there has been between us and why we’d decided to separate and get divorced in the first place.

It’s been a weird day because I also saw my ex affair partner (AP) today and it was an interesting “meeting” to say the least. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in at least a few days (the last contact was by text) I’d gone over to his place briefly because he’d been redecorating and found some of my CDs I’d lent him aaaaages ago – I’d forgotten and been looking for them, so went to pick them up. I didn’t stay longer than was “polite” (i.e. a little more than 5 minutes but decidely less than 10!) and as I was sat there on his sofa making polite small talk, I was reminded about all of the reasons why it ended and why I never ever could go there again. AP is very physically attractive, but today it just all made sense and it was all so clear to me… but the details of that realisation are for another post.

The mental clarity is enormous. The weight that has been lifted is huge.

Sex and complications

Can sex ever just be sex for the sake of it?

I was feeling very vulnerable last night – that much is obvious from reading back through what I wrote. I’d had a few glasses of wine and was a little bit squiffy to say the least. It hadn’t been planned and I don’t even really remember how exactly it did happen …

My husband and I are still sleeping in the same bed because it is a comfortable bed and it makes no sense for one of us to sleep on the sofa when we are adults and we don’t physically hate each other. Last night I was feeling so down and as we were laying there I admitted something I missed was having someone hold me and tell me it would all be okay.

He looked at me and said “Ness, it will be okay.” My reply was that it wasn’t the same. He said something along the lines of “a hug can be just a hug” and motioned to me to go closer. I snuggled into his arms and it felt warm and familiar.

I don’t remember exactly the lead up to what happened next … it was late, we’d both had a few drinks and apparently having sex seemed like a good idea! Well it was a good idea – at the time! He didn’t take advantage of me or anything – in fact I think the whole thing came as a bit of a surprise to the pair of us.

The trouble is … this morning I now find I have an added complication. I had just JUST got to the point where I was accepting that my marriage was over and mentally moving out and bringing frigging boxes home to start packing things up. Then I go and have sex with my husband!!

We did briefly talk about it this morning before he left for work – he said he almost felt the need to apologise for it being err quick and selfish was the way he put it (ie I didn’t come) but I said it hadn’t been about me having an orgasm and that I’d actually just needed a shag! His words were that I’d had an itch and he’d scratched it, but I wonder how much of that is the truth.

Does it have to mean anything?