Happiness is Ness shaped

I think the physical fight with my husband really forced us both to re-assess just how angry we had been getting with each other. We both apologised and feel ashamed that our behaviour got that far. One thing is for sure and that will never happen again!!

We’ve agreed to drop it and he’s also agreed to the terms for the divorce … well, within reason anyway. He is worried about blame and about being “the bad person” but as I have tried so many times to explain to him … this is why I wanted him to AGREE to the terms of the divorce because what I have come up with reflects breakdown of a relationship rather than “my husband is an asshole!” I would rather have crappy reasons for “unreasonable behaviour” that is the bare minimum for the courts to agree to rather than list full explainations of exactly why I don’t want to be married anymore!

He is still being weird about it – he’s been going on about how the “system” is in my favour as the woman / mother and about how unfair it is that I can divorce him and the court fees be waived, but how it would cost him a bomb to divorce me!! I said fine — divorce ME if he wants!!! I said to him I could very easily come up with half a dozen reasons why I know I am impossible to live with!!

But I’ll save that for another post! LOL

My new house is feeling more and more like home with every box of crap stuff I take over there, and as I am unpacking it all as I go ( to save on boxes more than anything else!!) it really does feel like MY place with every single box! I took several boxes FULL of my clothes, shoes, boots & bags over there today and ohhh did I have fun putting them all away!! My new bedroom is huge (compared to what I am used to!) and I have two double built in wardrobes plus a single wardrobe with shelves ALL to myself!! Well, damnit I tell you what, I am NEVER sharing wardrobe space with anybody else again after I have a double wardrobe for my clothes (yeah what’s left of my shrinking wardrobe doesn’t take up much space!!) plus a whole wardrobe JUST for shoes, bags, belts, scarves and “froofy bits” & accessories! THEN a separate single wardrobe that I haven’t even figured out yet! LOL Currently it has got my nail polish and hair products in and when I move in properly it will house my hairdryer and straighteners! LOL

Oh I love my new house!!!

So anyway I’m in a really good mood as well because I went shopping with my mum for new stuff for the house today too! I’m getting little bits and pieces out of the tax credits payments that I have before I move out as this is my “budget” to set up the house. What did I buy? Ummm … well I love the retro/shabby chic 50s style and my STBX husband HATED it … so everything I bought was along those lines as it is MY house! HAH! I have new mugs, chopping board (so cool – says “many people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead perfectly normal lives!” LMAO Ohhh love it!! I have a new laundry bin, an iron & ironing board (yeah PINK iron for £3.97) from Tesco rock ON! I got new fluffy towels for the bathroom (pink of course!!) a salt & pepper grinder, new bedding (duvet set & sheets), umm tea-towels for the kitchen (yes pink again!!)

Still need curtains – and the whole point of going shopping was to GET curtains! HAH!

Can you tell I am in a good mood?

* tap tap* is this thing even on? Ohhh I love saying that – I say it in the mirror sometimes too!

AND the weird thing about it as well is that I’ve had an appetite today! I was up at my new house earlier unpacking, and came back for lunch because I was hungry!! I had two slices of bread with low fat philly & thin sliced cheese … then this evening I had a few slices of tiger bread (damn we love Tesco!) with at least six mouthfuls of pasta!

Feel happy … have an appetite …. funny that. Gotta be careful I don’t put ON weight, but I can handle this for right now

Violence & Fisti-cuffs

After I’d posted about an early night, my STBX husband came downstairs and we had a HUGE fight. It wasn’t just any old verbal fight either, although Ohhh it WAS verbal, but it got violent.

I was trying to talk to him about a website I had found that would do a “managed divorce” with a “clean break” order and NO solicitors for £300 plus court fees. I had called him earlier in the day about it and we’d had a brief discussion but as he was working he couldn’t really talk. Last night it was only around 10.30pm when it all kicked off … I tried to talk to him about the grounds for divorce and said that if I divorced him, then the court fees of £380 would be waived as I am on a fixed low income.

Well … he squared up to me – got RIGHT in my face and he was shouting and yelling about how HE was going to divorce me and about how HE didn’t want the come-back from the courts about blame as the resopondant. He didn’t even attempt to listen to what I was saying – he assumed everything, put words in my mouth and the fight that ensued afterwards was awful.

He was right in my face and I mean RIGHT in my face and I just flipped! I slapped him on the face. I truly didn’t know what else to do at the time. I remember looking at him – he was bright red in the face from all the anger … his face was all screwed up and I remember thinking he looked like a poison dwarf and at that point I felt my own anger bubble to the point I felt the need to physically hurt him. I slapped him good and proper too.

He stood there shocked for a bit and pushed me HARD into the sofa. I stood up a little bit stunned and then pummelled him hard. I’m not as strong as I used to be, but I AM still a kickboxer and I have my 2nd brown belt! (for those who don’t know, I am just one belt away from blackbelt in kickboxing … but I haven’t trained in months ….) anyway … it was awful. It has NEVER got violent like that between us before.

I was going to walk out and sleep at my new house until it occurred to me I have no beds/mattresses, no pillows or duvet there, or actually anything other than a floor to sleep on. Needless to say I crawled back into the house and slept on the sofa.

Clothes shopping with an eating disorder

It is so weird to wear something that actually fits me. I like it … no, really I do. I like the way that these new jeans hug my figure, show off my shrinking body and frame my backside. I like the way they are tight and I can see the gap at the top of my legs.

Okay that is all a lie – except for the bit about the gap at the top of my legs. I do REALLY like that.

I DO like the jeans though – hell for £25 I’d better do – I don’t exactly have money to waste … and I’ve had a lot of positive compliments on how good I looked wearing them today which has helped with the self confidence thing, but UGH I have to admit I miss my baggy clothes. Wearing clothes that almost fall off of me make me feel so much thinner.

These jeans fit perfectly, and if my clothes fit me perfectly then I need to lose more weight so that they are baggy so that it is visually obvious that I have lost weight. Although they do fit “perfectly” I look so FAT in them. I am also not yet the size that I thought/hoped I would be by now.

Going shopping was always going to be a strange experience … not reaching for the larger sizes but at the same time not being entirely sure what size I was … and knowing that no matter WHAT size I ended up buying, it would never be small enough.

I took a UK14, a UK12 and a UK10 into the dressing room. Before my eating disorder bit me on the behind, I was a very unhappy and FAT size 14-16.

I tried on the large size first and immediately felt fabulous. I didn’t even bother doing them up because it wouldn’t have been worth it – they would have fallen off anyway.

I wanted so so so so desperately to fit into the size 10, but I didn’t even try them on in the end. I knew that it would just upset me if they ended up being too tight because then I really WOULD feel fat to try to button it up over a muffin top blobby stretch marked stomach and I am not that thin yet.

Instead … I confidently (yeah I know – weird!) tried on the UK12 and they fitted. Actually they are a little large around the waist band, but they are stretch denim, and the fact that they are a little big gives me the boost to my ego that I need.

A UK size 12 is apparently perfect! Can you believe that? It’s the ideal figure for UK women (well, the ones I’ve spoken to anyway and ones who don’t have eating disorders). If you are size 12 then you are officially something that others are jealous of.

I don’t give a frigging monkey’s left armpit what other people consider perfect and ideal. I couldn’t give a hoot if people are jealous of MY body because *I* hate and detest it and am working on changing it. It isn’t about what the rest of the world think … it’s my life and my issue. My problem – period.

Judgment – it is an ugly thing.

I’ve always tried to lose myself in the crowd before … as a fat overweight person you don’t want people to look at you, so it is easier to hide yourself away.

Other than taking my children to school, going to my work place (where I work alone anyway) and putting fuel in the car, I have hardly been out of the house in the last few weeks and had no social life whatsoever. I have also pretty much been living in my overalls because a) what I do for a living is messy, and b) most of my clothes fall off me and look ridiculous! I also haven’t wanted to deal with people or see people because all I get from them is how much weight I have lost, and how I should probably not lose any more.

Today I had to go into town – no choice – and I wore the one pair of trousers that I have that fit me and that’s only because they have an elastic waist that I’d tied up.

PEOPLE WERE LOOKING AT ME. Not just any old people, but overweight women in particular. I felt their stares and sneering judgmental glances on me. Women never looked at me like this when I was fatter and that made me feel even worse because I was looking back at them with their ugly muffin tops, six chins and flabby bellies and realised I was judging them for being fat and not the other way around … and that they probably hadn’t been looking at me in the first place. Oh the guilt. I felt destroyed.

I bought a new pair of jeans. I HAD to because I need something that fits me. Part of me resented handing over £25 for something that I am hoping won’t fit me for long because I still have those last 12-13lbs that HAVE to go before I reach my “goal” … you know … the one that will apparently make me happy when I am THIN, and the thing I hate almost as much as being fat … is waste.