Found a different BMI calculator

According to the BMI calculator I have been using … 8 stone 13lbs was the lowest “healthy” weight before I am considered underweight … and I do not want to be underweight - I just want to be thin! Well … I found another website – a gov.uk site too, so you gotta assume it is going to be reliable! So anyway, this alternative version that I’ve found says I can get down to 8 stone 9lbs before I am considered underweight – that means I have another 11lbs to go.

All this because a pair of shorts fell down and my STBX husband had “how fat did you used to be” goggle eyes poking out of his head – I’m not thin enough yet.

I’m also cursing myself for eating a proper dinner tonight because I’ll pay for it on the scales in the morning.

My eating disorder is getting worse …

I weighed myself today … HAH that sounds funny. I weigh myself like a million times a day so I don’t know what made me start a post with that. Well, anyway I noticed that the scales have been dropping again after standstill for 4 days. I have lost 42lbs in total and I now weigh 134lbs (9 stone 8lbs / just under 61kg) – I am 5’8″ tall for those that care.

I have been very aware that what originally started as weight loss has rapidly turned into very restrictive eating. It began when I started to be very picky about the foods that I would eat and I had a very bland and basic diet with very little flavour. It also started with a simple “loss of appetite” – I wasn’t eating as much. I was also telling myself that because I did eat when I felt hungry (which wasn’t often) that everything was okay. It wasn’t – it isn’t. It’s so far from fucking okay that I don’t know what to do.

The trouble is, I don’t know what I can do about it because I am not hungry. I feel full up and bloated and it would be like asking someone to eat a 5 course meal and THEN have cheese & crackers with coffee afterwards and maybe some mint chocolate wafers if there is room! I have no desire to eat and no appetite. Food and meals that I used to love and look forward to, I can barely stomach a mouthful of because I don’t ever actually feel hungry. I eat food purely to exist.

I have eaten three quarters of a slice of toast with low fat spread on it today. I only ate that because I realised I hadn’t had anything at all and I knew I should have SOMETHING. I made two slices and couldn’t even manage the whole of one slice!

See, when I think about people “starving themselves” I always imagined rumbling bellies and the “hungry monster” saying FEED ME, but although I realise I am technically starving my body … how can I be starving and not hungry? Just one of my daily battles / issues.

My original starting weight (which wasn’t actually my heaviest) was 176lbs, and then on the 28th July I weighed myself and made a note of my weight and measurements. That was the day I was sitting cross legged on the sofa looking at my bulging fat stomach and hideous body and decided to do something about it. That was the point the ED which had been laying dormant kicked in and reared it’s ugly head. It was only ever meant to be about losing some weight and watching what I ate. It was never meant to turn into uncontrollable anorexic behaviours.

Anyway, the measurements … I was 176lbs at my recorded heaviest ….

28th JULY ’08
11 stone 4 / 158lbs
Waist – 32″
Hips – 44″
BMI – 24.02

TODAY
9 stone 8lbs /134lbs
Waist – 28″
Hips – 37″
BMI – 20.2

I have lost 24lbs – almost 2 stone in the 3 months since I made a note of my weight and measurements on July 28th, and I’ve lost 42lbs in total  -but even that doesn’t count my heaviest, so you can probably add another 10lbs to my total loss. At my heaviest I have no idea what I weighed as I didn’t own scales then (probably didn’t want to know!!), but I remember shopping for a summer dress and buying a UK size 18 (US 14). I was never that heavy for long and then settled around a UK size 14-16 (US 10-12) within the top limits of the “normal” boundaries.

I’ve also dropped 4″ from my waist and 7″ from my hips. I have been through my wardrobe throwing stuff away so many times over the last few months! I now own that I can wear on my bottom half …

My “new size 12 jeans” (which are already loose on the waist)
A pair of Gap size 12 brown jeans
White loose leg draw string trousers size 14

 Yeah .. that’s it. I basically wear my jeans or my Gap brown ones and alternate them in the wash. The white draw string ones look ridiculous on me unless I wear a long top. I have plenty of tops, but I literally have nothing else for the bottom!! I bought the Gap brown jeans from eBay a while ago when I started losing weight so I would have something to wear when I got where I originally wanted to be. When I got them I couldn’t even get them over my hips … then after a while I could slide them over my hips but there was no way they were getting zipped up … then they almost got zipped up … then they fitted perfectly … now they are a little loose around the waist.

According to measurement crap thingies I looked up tonight I am now officially a UK 10-12 (US 6-8) and I am hanging on for that elusive UK size 8 but I think hope I will be happy at a UK 10.

I was overweight for so many years, then I sat at the very top end of the “healthy” weight range for such a long time. With regards to where I am now … well that depends on which website you ask!! I am around 10lbs away from being at the top end of underweight. My current goal is to lose another 9lbs to get to 125. This will give me a BMI of 19 and be at the top end of underweight for my height … but still have a healthy BMI.

People are now really noticing the weight loss and I’m getting comments like … “You look great but you really don’t want to lose any more.” WTF is that supposed to mean? I was too fat and now I am too thin? It’s like all the while you exist within the boundaries of being normal to slightly overweight that you get ignored and overlooked … then when you lose 42lbs and nearly dip into the “underweight” catagory – that all of a sudden people open their eyes to you and feel a need to comment on how you look!

 What worries me … and REALLY worries me is that I am losing weight as a side effect of simply not being hungry. I know I have an issue with my weight and with food … and the doctor diagnosed me with EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified)

I want to lose another 9lbs to get to my goal weight of 125 (8 stone 13) which is still within the boundaries of “normal” for my 5’8″ height … but I am also only 12lbs away from a BMI of 18.5 and 3 missed periods away from going from EDNOS with anorexic bahaviours to diagnosable anorexia nervosa. This is not something I am striving for! Trust me I don’t want to be noticed… I want to disappear into the crowds with my head down and just get on with my life. I want to be thin and slim – yes, but not to the detriment of my physical health (it’s ok I know my emotional health is screwed!!!)

I look at pictures of skin and bones “anorexics” and I do NOT want to look like that. I want to get rid of the flab from my stomach and my hips & thighs. Funnily enough my arse is shaping up okay!! It is SO weird for me to say that because I have hated my bum for years … but with the inches I have lost from my hips, it has made a phenomenal difference, and even with my blindsightedness … even *I* can see that my arse isn’t anywhere near as big as it used to be!

I am SO WORRIED about so many things …

I worry that …

• I am losing too much weight but haven’t lost enough weight at the same time.
• If I lose more than the 9lbs I want to lose to get to my target of 125 or don’t start eating “normally” at that point, then I will be 3 missed periods away from diagnosable anorexia nervosa and that scares me.
• When I reach 125lbs (8 stone 13) I will still feel the need to lose more.
• If I reach 125lbs and am happy with my weight, that I will get fat by eating normally.
• I will never eat normally again.
• That my “self destructive” behaviours will carry on even after I’ve moved out and I won’t have my husband as an excuse.
• I am making a mistake by finally ending the marriage and leaving despite how bad it has got, and that nobody will love me as much as my husband does did.
• That I will never be able to trust anybody in the future. I had an affair – how can I be sure that it will never happen to me? How can I be sure that nobody will cheat on me … and from the other side, how can I reassure someone else that I will never ever EVER do anything like that again and it was purely because my marriage was so awful and my self esteem was so low that I was unfaithful.
• That for whatever reason, the tax credits and the fact I have a business (that doesn’t generate profit currently) will mean I won’t qualify for housing benefit and I will have to move out of my new house and possibly move in with my mother. I have two months rent in advance – in cash to give to the landlady which should easily cover the period till the housing benefit award comes in … and I’ve worked out a way to cover half of the rent myself each month by scrimping and saving … so as long as housing benefit cover HALF of it … I will be okay, but I still worry.
• My son has ADHD & Aspergers. I worry that he won’t be able to cope with the changes and that he will resent me.

Ugh I have so many demons.

What is it with people?!?!

People have bugged the crap out of me today. Not just any ole people either, but friends who have felt the need to comment and judge me just because I’ve lost weight!

…. waiting for the children outside the school gates.
ME – Brrrr it’s cold today.
BF1 – Nope it’s just you. Skinny bitch. Nothing to keep you warm.
ME – *laughing* Hardly.
BF1 – Yeah right! If you lose much more you’ll fade away.
ME – Have a laugh!
BF1 – Seriously girlfriend, you are looking really pale and gaunt. I’m just worried about you.

…. a little later – different friend.
BF2 – You really have lost a lot of weight haven’t you.
ME – Yeah I’ve lost a bit.
BF2 *knowing look* Yeah right, how much?
ME – Umm, thirty six pounds.
BF2 – What’s that in stone?
ME – Just over two and a half stone.
BF2 – Fuck! It really shows. You probably shouldn’t lose any more though.

WTF???

I’ve ALWAYS been pale … I have blonde hair, I am fair skinned and the sun doesn’t agree with me. Being pale comes with the territory. As to gaunt? No way … my face has slimmed down with the weight I’ve lost, but I am definitely NOT gaunt. What IS it with people? I was overweight before … at 12 stone 6lbs (174lbs) I WAS overweight and fat for my 5’8″ height, and yes, I have lost a lot of weight … 36lbs to be precise plus a whole pile of inches too, but I’m 9 stone 12lbs now (138lbs) and that is a PERFECT AVERAGE weight for my height, so why are people telling me that I should stop now?

I know that I battle with my weight and body issues. I have done for many years and I still will do for years to come, but it bugs the crap out of me that especially when I am dealing with so much else that my friends can’t actually be happy for me that I am doing something to boost my flagging self esteem!!!

I ATE today too. I want to throw that out there. After the emotional start I had to the day, and not achieving much at work, then talking to AP … I was actually hungry this afternoon. Yeah I know, it surprised me too! One thing I have ALWAYS promised myself is that no matter WHAT … if I AM hungry then I WILL eat something. I want to lose weight and be slim, but I am NOT going to starve myself to death either. A day where I am hungry and I eat something isn’t going to kill me in the long run. See, I’m still sensible.

I had three slices of toast and a piece of cheddar cheese which is actually a fair bit for me … and then tonight I had another one of those Tesco filo pastry mushroom thingys which are 400 cals… not that I’m counting calories, I just happened to notice it said that on the front of the box when I looked for how long to chuck it in the oven for! It’s actually the first day in a while that I’ve felt hungry, so I made sure I ate something. The mushrooms tick the vegetable box, the cheese & pastry tick the fat & protein boxes, and the toast earlier (Hovis best of both) is carbs. When you’ve had no appetite for a long time and lived on very little for days … that’s progress!

The thing is, I am NOT ready to stop yet. I’ve just spent a good twenty minutes in front of the full length mirror and although I can SEE that I have lost weight and I KNOW I have lost weight … I do still have so much still to go.

See, this is where the “intelligent woman” inside me puts on the “In Charge” hat in regards to my EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) diagnosis. I KNOW that anorexics view themselves as fat when they actually have bones jutting out all over the place, and that is not me. I am currently a “perfect” weight, but I still have very fat thighs and a huge stomach that is very visible in front of me as I am sat here typing this!

What is wrong with not wanting to be average? What is wrong with being fed up of spending my life so far on the other side of the “normal & average” healthy weight check box? Why the fuck shouldn’t I make myself happier by wanting to be on the bottom end of it instead of the top end?? People never hassled me before about being fat or overweight … yet they hassle me now about having lost that weight that DID make me fat and DID put me into the “slightly overweight for height” catagory … despite the fact that at 5’8″ and 138lbs (BMI of 20.5) I am technically perfect!

It’s not like I am seeing things that aren’t there either … I can physically GRAB the flab that is still left on my stomach with both hands and my thighs wobble unbelievably. Maybe I need to exercise more too.

I have set myself lots of smaller goals along the way with my weight loss … it makes it easier to achieve if you break it up into chunks. My current goal is to drop to 8 stone 13lbs (125) with a 5lb comfort zone of up to 9 stone 4lbs (130) and to then maintain and exist in that zone. I don’t see what is wrong with that. It will still give me a healthy BMI and mean that FINALLY I will be thin!