STBX has noticed …

… he’s noticed that I am eating more. Does that mean I am eating too much?? Fuck my head is really screwed isn’t it. That wasn’t a question btw – merely a statement of facts. There was a conversation where STBX were discussing safe things. We only tend to have “safe” conversations these days about things that are either “important need to know” stuff or relevant to daily ongoing life and topics like the news, what we heard on the radio, what’s for dinner etc.

Anyway … and appropriately on the subject of what’s for dinner … Sunday STBX likes to cook. He’s an ex chef so it’s in his bones/blood whatever! He also likes to make sure that the children do get at least a couple of proper dinners and SOME vegetables in their diet which is all good as far as I am concerned! He did a roast tonight and when he let me know earlier that he was cooking tonight … I purposely didn’t eat anything at all during the day so that I could have a totally empty belly to eat “proper food” with …

Well there was conversation a little bit later and I don’t even remember how we got onto the subject … STBX was telling me what his weight was – I mentioned I’d lost another pound but that my appetite seemed to have increased over the last few days…

HE SAID YES, HE HAD NOTICED.

So he’s watching me scoffing food now? Does he even know what alarm bells that sets off inside my head??? It says to me I’ll show him – bastard! I won’t be living with him soon and I will show him what a low appetite can do … because I know I DO control my appetite… no really, I do.

Fucker – I won’t even be living with him and STILL he has this frigging control over me and this way of totally altering my perception of myself and snapping my self confidence.  I’ve been feeling so positive lately and he has this way of bringing me right back down.

My appetite HAS increased yes. I put it down to the stress bubbles being popped with every day I get closer to leaving my husband “officially” … but I am keeping a very close eye on the scales and the minute it goes up even by a tiny little pound … well we’ll worry about that if when it happens.

Poorly & ill in Ness-Ville!

Well I guess it’s what comes of spending two solid days curled up with a poorly ill small boy … it’s only natural I would come down with it! I’ve been wiped out! Without going into TOO much detail – I’ve had major stomach cramps, wanted to do nothing but sleep … and as for the rest … let’s just say that both ends weren’t very far from a bucket or the toilet at all times!

On the upside – appetite hasn’t exactly been an issue!! That’s one benefit of being ill like that! LOL I actually got new batteries for my scales the day I got ill (before it hit) but as it was the middle of the day I’d promised myself I would wait until the next morning to get a “true” reading.

Before I got the yucky nasty bug, my appetite had been returning slowly and I was beginning to be able to eat more and more (I’ve realised it’s all totally related to being closer to moving day – a week today!) and I had assumed that I would be a couple of pounds heavier, but I got on the scales this afternoon (middle of the day) when I was feeling better (after drinking lots and lots of liquids) and I was 132lbs (9 stone 6) on my 5’8″ height … that is exactly the same weight as I was on October 7th (just re-read through back posts to check) which was BEFORE my appetite started to come back.

See part of me says that is 11 days in which I have NOT lost weight and my original plan was to be at my goal of 9 stone/126lbs  by moving day … but unless I literally eat NOTHING for the next week there is no way I can drop 6lbs … or can I???

The other part of me says that as my appetite has increased and I’ve eaten more on a daily basis over the last 11 days that it is actually GOOD to have maintained my weight. I have to keep reminding myself that thin does NOT equal happy – thin is just a bonus of achieving happy.

I took measurements tonight too – my hips haven’t changed but I’ve dropped another inch from my waist since I last measured on 4th October. I am now 37-27-37 which is apparently a perfect hourglass figure … and TBH if it were toned I think I could even learn to love it!

Sooo … that is the next plan … but that’s a whole other post!!

My weight …

Well my scales have been broken for three days and I have avoided the temptation to buy a new battery. I have absolutely NO IDEA what I weigh. This is good, right?

I dont know … it’s as if over the last few days all I can think about is my new house and moving and how HAPPY I feel right now – and that has cancelled out so many of my negative feelings. Plus … I took in a parcel for a neighbour opposite (at the old house) today and when I saw her pull up in her car, I took the parcel out to her and we ended up having a really good chat! She’d noticed me loading up the car with lots of things over the week and I admitted that I was moving out with the children in just over a week. She laughed and told me she’d commented to her partner that “the woman over the road is looking really good these days!” She told me all about her nightmare divorce, how she had lost a butt load of weight afterwards and we had a good old natter! Funny where you find friends eh!

Well anyway, I HAVE been eating over the last few days. I’ve been having something at lunch and something in the evening. Okay it hasn’t been huge mega amounts, but it’s been more than before – and that is a breakthrough for me.

So being thinner doesn’t necessarily equal happy … but obviously ending my marriage and moving out does … sad huh. I STILL feel fat – don’t get me wrong… but I’ve promised myself all along that I will never starve myself and if I am hungry … I WILL eat. It just seems ironic that the closer I get to leaving this place (ie leaving my STBX husband) and moving into my own place … the less I am obsessed about food.

Or it isn’t irony and it’s just frigging obvious that HE has been the cause of all of my stress!!

Found a different BMI calculator

According to the BMI calculator I have been using … 8 stone 13lbs was the lowest “healthy” weight before I am considered underweight … and I do not want to be underweight - I just want to be thin! Well … I found another website – a gov.uk site too, so you gotta assume it is going to be reliable! So anyway, this alternative version that I’ve found says I can get down to 8 stone 9lbs before I am considered underweight – that means I have another 11lbs to go.

All this because a pair of shorts fell down and my STBX husband had “how fat did you used to be” goggle eyes poking out of his head – I’m not thin enough yet.

I’m also cursing myself for eating a proper dinner tonight because I’ll pay for it on the scales in the morning.

Signed & Sealed

Been over to the new house today to sign the contracts and hand over my deposit and rent in advance. I needed my mother and my husband to be guarantors as I’ll be claiming housing benefit, so they both came with me.

The kids showed her around the house while I sorted out the paperwork, then when she came downstairs I asked her if she thought the place was okay. She said yes, but just wished it all wasn’t happening – and that is pretty much all she said to me. I feel like I have had NO emotional support from my mother whatsoever. She gets on well with my husband and I know she sees it like I am tearing the family apart because she has told me as much! She didn’t even comment on my weight loss (I haven’t seen her in about 3 weeks as we’ve both been busy) and that upset me. If people I see regularly have noticed the latest drop in weight, then for my own MOTHER to not say anything? She battles with her weight as well, and in the past when I’ve phoned her to tell her I’ve lost a few pounds, her response is “Ahhh shut up” because she hasn’t lost anything etc.

My husband … well he stood there staring out of the window with a face like a wet weekend and saying NOTHING . I could tell HE wished it all wasn’t happening … but even at the point we drove over there to sign the contracts … he didn’t turn around to me and say “Ness, let’s give it just one more shot.” He has just been swept along for the ride in all of this and never ever tried to change the direction.

When we got back from the house, he was in a foul mood and stamped around the house yelling at the youngest for something insignificant. I said “If you had something to say to me then you really should have said it before now.” He replied “And what would have been the point? You would have done it anyway.”

Would I? I can’t answer what would have been because you can’t speculate on things unless you are in that situation! You can make a guestimate at how you will respond, but other than that? It’s all hearsay. The other thing with my husband is that he doesn’t ever say what he means, but he also doesn’t mean what he says half the time either. I can’t live like that.

Example – when we went to the marriage counsellor a couple of years ago and he said he was completely over my affair (that was the point that the sexual side had stopped between me and AP) but admitted a few weeks ago that he never was, he just hadn’t wanted to talk about it. Prime example of not saying what he means in an attempt to move on (i.e. bury his head and ignore it.) Example – our first wedding anniversary where he said “well you are a bit fat aren’t you.” He didn’t MEAN that! He didn’t plan or set out to hurt my feelings! He’d been drunk and it just “came out”. Prime example of not meaning what he says and expecting forgiveness because “he didn’t mean it.”

I can’t live like that. I am 33 years old and far too young to be living a life that makes me so miserable and unhappy. I’ve told him so many times and it only ever makes a difference for such a short amount of time. I have been like a scratched CD doomed to replay that last bit over and over and OVER again.

Nope, I’m not going to do it! I’m not going to mope around and be miserable just to keep my family together and make my kids happy. My children don’t want their family split up – I realise that, but I also realise that THEY WILL BE OKAY!! Especially when their mother proves her indepenance to the world herself and figures out how to finally turn off that frigging self destruct button!

I’m going to damned well get out there and make my new house the best home for me and the kids. I am going to make the most of my life and my surroundings and find out what it takes to TRULY make me happy, and I realise that the only way to do that and to recover as a person and as an individual is to do that by myself.

I truly hope that he does too. Much as there is a lot that has gone on between us, I don’t want him to be miserable or unhappy either! I want him to discover his own life and do the things he has always wanted to do as well. I think he also has a lot of soul searching to do, and maybe being forced into a single life will make him reasses himself as well.

On the upside, I ate several food groups today! My husband is a very good cook and decided a few days ago that sunday evening would be a roast dinner. He asked me if it was worth asking me what I wanted and I said that a “proper” meal cooked for me would probably be a good thing. He did roast potatoes, broccoli, carrots and beef. I’m vegetarian so I obviously didn’t eat any of the beef, but I did manage two roast potatoes and a whole piece of broccoli. That was like two food groups in one sitting. Amazing.

I then had dessert too. Yes truly. I ate a portion (albeit a very small one) of calorie laden cheesecake and a couple of spoonfuls of ice cream too.

That’s probably more in one sitting than I’ve had all week. Almost weird isn’t it …

I also didn’t throw up this morning! For anybody who is not familiar, for the past 18 months or so I have been uncontrollably sick in the morning. NOT pregnant and had blood tests to prove I am perfectly healthy and nothing physically wrong with me. Doctor puts it down to stress.

It just struck me as ironic that the DAY I sign the contracts on my new house and my new life … I don’t throw up and I sit down to a proper dinner AND pudding! Ok so the portion size probably wouldn’t have filled up a mouse, but it was progress for me!

I do still want to lose weight … I still desperately want to lose another 8-9lbs and I know then that is my rock bottom healthy weight and I will NOT sink further or lower than that. My new life will be a chance to change ALL of the rules.

My eating disorder is getting worse …

I weighed myself today … HAH that sounds funny. I weigh myself like a million times a day so I don’t know what made me start a post with that. Well, anyway I noticed that the scales have been dropping again after standstill for 4 days. I have lost 42lbs in total and I now weigh 134lbs (9 stone 8lbs / just under 61kg) – I am 5’8″ tall for those that care.

I have been very aware that what originally started as weight loss has rapidly turned into very restrictive eating. It began when I started to be very picky about the foods that I would eat and I had a very bland and basic diet with very little flavour. It also started with a simple “loss of appetite” – I wasn’t eating as much. I was also telling myself that because I did eat when I felt hungry (which wasn’t often) that everything was okay. It wasn’t – it isn’t. It’s so far from fucking okay that I don’t know what to do.

The trouble is, I don’t know what I can do about it because I am not hungry. I feel full up and bloated and it would be like asking someone to eat a 5 course meal and THEN have cheese & crackers with coffee afterwards and maybe some mint chocolate wafers if there is room! I have no desire to eat and no appetite. Food and meals that I used to love and look forward to, I can barely stomach a mouthful of because I don’t ever actually feel hungry. I eat food purely to exist.

I have eaten three quarters of a slice of toast with low fat spread on it today. I only ate that because I realised I hadn’t had anything at all and I knew I should have SOMETHING. I made two slices and couldn’t even manage the whole of one slice!

See, when I think about people “starving themselves” I always imagined rumbling bellies and the “hungry monster” saying FEED ME, but although I realise I am technically starving my body … how can I be starving and not hungry? Just one of my daily battles / issues.

My original starting weight (which wasn’t actually my heaviest) was 176lbs, and then on the 28th July I weighed myself and made a note of my weight and measurements. That was the day I was sitting cross legged on the sofa looking at my bulging fat stomach and hideous body and decided to do something about it. That was the point the ED which had been laying dormant kicked in and reared it’s ugly head. It was only ever meant to be about losing some weight and watching what I ate. It was never meant to turn into uncontrollable anorexic behaviours.

Anyway, the measurements … I was 176lbs at my recorded heaviest ….

28th JULY ’08
11 stone 4 / 158lbs
Waist – 32″
Hips – 44″
BMI – 24.02

TODAY
9 stone 8lbs /134lbs
Waist – 28″
Hips – 37″
BMI – 20.2

I have lost 24lbs – almost 2 stone in the 3 months since I made a note of my weight and measurements on July 28th, and I’ve lost 42lbs in total  -but even that doesn’t count my heaviest, so you can probably add another 10lbs to my total loss. At my heaviest I have no idea what I weighed as I didn’t own scales then (probably didn’t want to know!!), but I remember shopping for a summer dress and buying a UK size 18 (US 14). I was never that heavy for long and then settled around a UK size 14-16 (US 10-12) within the top limits of the “normal” boundaries.

I’ve also dropped 4″ from my waist and 7″ from my hips. I have been through my wardrobe throwing stuff away so many times over the last few months! I now own that I can wear on my bottom half …

My “new size 12 jeans” (which are already loose on the waist)
A pair of Gap size 12 brown jeans
White loose leg draw string trousers size 14

 Yeah .. that’s it. I basically wear my jeans or my Gap brown ones and alternate them in the wash. The white draw string ones look ridiculous on me unless I wear a long top. I have plenty of tops, but I literally have nothing else for the bottom!! I bought the Gap brown jeans from eBay a while ago when I started losing weight so I would have something to wear when I got where I originally wanted to be. When I got them I couldn’t even get them over my hips … then after a while I could slide them over my hips but there was no way they were getting zipped up … then they almost got zipped up … then they fitted perfectly … now they are a little loose around the waist.

According to measurement crap thingies I looked up tonight I am now officially a UK 10-12 (US 6-8) and I am hanging on for that elusive UK size 8 but I think hope I will be happy at a UK 10.

I was overweight for so many years, then I sat at the very top end of the “healthy” weight range for such a long time. With regards to where I am now … well that depends on which website you ask!! I am around 10lbs away from being at the top end of underweight. My current goal is to lose another 9lbs to get to 125. This will give me a BMI of 19 and be at the top end of underweight for my height … but still have a healthy BMI.

People are now really noticing the weight loss and I’m getting comments like … “You look great but you really don’t want to lose any more.” WTF is that supposed to mean? I was too fat and now I am too thin? It’s like all the while you exist within the boundaries of being normal to slightly overweight that you get ignored and overlooked … then when you lose 42lbs and nearly dip into the “underweight” catagory – that all of a sudden people open their eyes to you and feel a need to comment on how you look!

 What worries me … and REALLY worries me is that I am losing weight as a side effect of simply not being hungry. I know I have an issue with my weight and with food … and the doctor diagnosed me with EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified)

I want to lose another 9lbs to get to my goal weight of 125 (8 stone 13) which is still within the boundaries of “normal” for my 5’8″ height … but I am also only 12lbs away from a BMI of 18.5 and 3 missed periods away from going from EDNOS with anorexic bahaviours to diagnosable anorexia nervosa. This is not something I am striving for! Trust me I don’t want to be noticed… I want to disappear into the crowds with my head down and just get on with my life. I want to be thin and slim – yes, but not to the detriment of my physical health (it’s ok I know my emotional health is screwed!!!)

I look at pictures of skin and bones “anorexics” and I do NOT want to look like that. I want to get rid of the flab from my stomach and my hips & thighs. Funnily enough my arse is shaping up okay!! It is SO weird for me to say that because I have hated my bum for years … but with the inches I have lost from my hips, it has made a phenomenal difference, and even with my blindsightedness … even *I* can see that my arse isn’t anywhere near as big as it used to be!

I am SO WORRIED about so many things …

I worry that …

• I am losing too much weight but haven’t lost enough weight at the same time.
• If I lose more than the 9lbs I want to lose to get to my target of 125 or don’t start eating “normally” at that point, then I will be 3 missed periods away from diagnosable anorexia nervosa and that scares me.
• When I reach 125lbs (8 stone 13) I will still feel the need to lose more.
• If I reach 125lbs and am happy with my weight, that I will get fat by eating normally.
• I will never eat normally again.
• That my “self destructive” behaviours will carry on even after I’ve moved out and I won’t have my husband as an excuse.
• I am making a mistake by finally ending the marriage and leaving despite how bad it has got, and that nobody will love me as much as my husband does did.
• That I will never be able to trust anybody in the future. I had an affair – how can I be sure that it will never happen to me? How can I be sure that nobody will cheat on me … and from the other side, how can I reassure someone else that I will never ever EVER do anything like that again and it was purely because my marriage was so awful and my self esteem was so low that I was unfaithful.
• That for whatever reason, the tax credits and the fact I have a business (that doesn’t generate profit currently) will mean I won’t qualify for housing benefit and I will have to move out of my new house and possibly move in with my mother. I have two months rent in advance – in cash to give to the landlady which should easily cover the period till the housing benefit award comes in … and I’ve worked out a way to cover half of the rent myself each month by scrimping and saving … so as long as housing benefit cover HALF of it … I will be okay, but I still worry.
• My son has ADHD & Aspergers. I worry that he won’t be able to cope with the changes and that he will resent me.

Ugh I have so many demons.

Finally lost more weight!!

The scales shifted this morning. I have finally dropped another 2lbs after being on a plateu for 3 agonising days.

I’ve now lost a total of 38lbs which is almost 3 stone (or 17kg depending on how you look at it) and it’s a bizarre feeling, because part of me feels brilliant about the loss, but the other part of me can see so clearly in the mirror the bits that still need fixing. I still feel incredibly insecure (read that as FAT) yet I am happier than I have been in a LONG time. It is SO hard not to equate getting thinner with being happier… especially when on the day that the scales drop again … I find out I can finally end my marriage and get out of here.

I’ve gone from the “slightly overweight” bracket through to bang slap in the middle of “average” and I am now hovering nicely at “just under normal” and although I am happy, it’s not enough … I know it’s not enough. I don’t think I will ever be happy until I am just inside the boundary for “normal weight” for my height and even then I worry that it won’t be enough.

I have a blogging friend Lola who writes “Marine Snow” who I have SO MUCH respect for. This woman is amazing and I have only known her through the web for a couple of weeks and it started purely because she commented on my blog… which led me to read hers – religiously!! Lola IS anorexic and IS seriously underweight. She doesn’t post her weight for trigger purposes, but she has written in her blog about how she is now smaller than a UK size 6 … or pretty much the equivalent to a US size zero. Lola has recognised in herself the fact that she has problems and issues with food and eating - and she is now starting her own recovery. Although I hate to read about how miserable and unhappy she is … it DOES help ME to know that being so thin doesn’t make her happy… and it is people like Lola who will hopefully be my own inspiration when I hit my target weight to stop me from going down the dangerous low weight level and somehow find a place where I am happy with my weight.

So back to the “fat” stuff meanwhile! LOL I still have such a flabby stomach and wobbly thighs, and that isn’t distorted perception .. I CAN actually grab it now and know I can safely lose 10-11lbs more, so I am going to start upping my exercise to try to tone up those bits. Childbirth and stretch marks GRRRRRRRRR. It is going to take a LOT before that has gone.

Still, I’m amazed at the results in just 3 months since I made food and eating a very very conscious choice. I know I’m not doing it the right way. I know restricting myself is a bad bad thing to do - I don’t know – maybe it’s psychological just never feeling hungry, but the results have spoken for themselves. I have always promised myself through this that no matter WHAT I will eat if I am hungry. I do NOT want to end up skin and bones because I have always thought that is unattractive … it’s just that elusive UK size 8 (US size 4) that I strive to be and want to be.

Swooped off my feet

I saw AP this afternoon and he picked me up – ummm literally! He bent down, put one arm between my legs and the other on my waist and swooped me up, spun me around in the air and put me back down again! I have NEVER been light enough to have a guy pick me up and spin me around!!

I hadn’t expected to see him today especially with how truly awful I looked with my big red puffy swollen eyes. He’s seen me at my complete worst several times now and it doesn’t seem to scare him off. It was pretty obvious that I had been crying, so of course he asked. I hadn’t wanted to tell him because even though AP and I aren’t in a “relationship” – we have been intimate and talking to him about being rejected by my husband … well not a conversation I wanted to have with AP.

So I skirted around that part, but I talked to him about the empty raw pain in the pit of my belly – about how low I had been feeling and about how I knew more than ever that moving on and moving forward was the best thing I could do. AP’s last relationship was a pretty bad break-up so I know he understands that part.

AP – You’ve definitely lost weight. If you lose much more I’ll have to take you to get a bum implant. Where HAS your bum gone?
ME – Just another 12lbs, it’s all I want to lose now.

He came behind me and grabbed my bum saying “Ohh there it is” … it did make me feel good. I was wearing the new jeans again. Worth every fucking penny with the self confidence I’ve had from them. They are still 2 sizes bigger than I need to be, but every pound off is worth a million.

I’m in a weird place with AP … see I don’t want to swap one needy emotional relationship for another, but I can’t help the way he makes me feel – no, I LOVE the way he makes me feel and I’m not stupid. I know we wouldn’t work as a proper couple and that I’m not in love with him… but in the meantime we are sexually attracted to each other and he is so good to flirt with … is it so BAD??

I came home and was actually hungry and I made a sandwich – just low fat cheese spread on wholemeal bread with some sliced tomatoes. Funny really … my husband puts me off my food. I lose all appetite around him, but after seeing AP and having my confidence boosted, I ate CARBS and didn’t feel like the world was about to end!!

It was good … being literally picked up as well as emotionally picked up.

Dawn Porter’s quest for size zero

I remember watching a TV prog about Louise Redknapp do a similar thing around 18 months ago, and although I didn’t ever watch the Dawn Porter one, I accidentally stumbled across it online tonight. Let it first be said that I LOVE Dawn Porter. I love what she stands for and everything about her. Every single one of her TV shows is about how it is OKAY to be a “normal” average woman and she is absolutely terrific. I’ve always thought she had a bloody lovely figure too!!

** warning ** am about to post my measurements **

CRAZY CRAZY stuff here okay … I was reading Dawn’s diary from where she was doing this BBC show about dropping down to size zero and she posted her starting measurements… and I had this weird thing going on in my head because I’ve always looked at her and thought how perfect / ideal / normal / fantastic she looks and then I realised that her measurements aren’t actually that far off mine!!!!

Dawn Porter’s “before” measurements … ie before she did the BBC thing where she tried to get to size zero in 8 weeks. She even called herself a “perfect” size 12 and measured 34-28-36. UGH this is a brave thing … maybe you guys will appreciate that I AM fat if I post my measurements. I am currently 36-28-37… my hips are just a tiny little inch more than a woman whose figure I have always felt was perfect!! She is just about an inch taller than me if that makes a difference! I want my hips to be at LEAST 36″ to be “happy” and preferably 34″. Considering my hips started at 44″ I’ve lost 6″ already off my ass!

Dawn made it down to a UK size 6-8 in 8 weeks (US size 2-4) and looking at her figure on the right … yeah, that is where I want to be. She still has a full chest and a defined waist and still has curves. According to her diary … she started as a size 12 on this quest for size zero and lost 17lbs to be a size 6-8. My “current” goal is 12lbs loss from size 12 which should put me at a nice and healthy UK size 8-10.

If Dawn can do it … and she was on a regimented 500 cals per day … then I KNOW I can. I want to be at LEAST a UK size 10 by the end of October, and the aim is for size 8 by the end of November. As to Christmas … well I haven’t even THOUGHT about how I am going to get through THAT one yet.

A freak and a hypocrite

Woah what a day. A day that started at 5.30am too because on a Sunday morning I work on a market stall as part of my busines. It’s a regular market and it is held every Sunday. It is an early start and a very physical start with loading & unloading, building the stall and setting everything out. I’m also right next to one of the many mobile food vans and as a vegetarian for the past 21 years, the smell of bacon cooking will do it for me every time. It’s almost a relief not being “allowed” to eat it!! I do live vicariously through the smell of it though!!

It is always so very easy not to eat anything on a Sunday because I am usually always busy so I don’t even need to think about food, but I had my 10 year old daughter with me and she has her own body issues that I really REALLY don’t want to make worse. I actually caught her sitting on the sofa the other day prodding her belly and I can’t help but wonder how much of that has been influenced by me and I hate myself for it.

She is a perfect and healthy 10 year old with nothing but a bare whisper of perfectly normal puppy fat on her that is hardly there anyway and shrinking as she grows taller as nature intended! I want her to grow up healthy and confident but I can already see the start of ED behaviours in her (obsession with healthy diet, but love of sweets & candy, ritual staring at herself in the mirror etc) and that scares the crap out of me. I hide what I go through as much as possible and never EVER talk about being fat or overweight or anything like that in front of her. I do NOT want my daughter to go through this. She is already such a fragile and emotional thing and I do my utmost to encourage her positively and to build her self confidence. Shame I can’t do the same for myself eh!

So anyway, when the bacon smells hit her little nostrills and her eyes lit up this morning …. I bought her a bacon bap and I bought myself a cheese & onion toasted sandwich too (NOTE ONION … THAT’S A VEGETABLE – THAT’S A WHOLE FOOD GROUP!) and I made sure that she saw me eating it and I was making all kinds of noises about how hungry I’d felt and how it was SO good to have something to eat, and how tasty it was … all a pile of crap and nonsense of course … it felt rough and dry going down my throat. I was full and bloated after a couple of bites and even an entire bottle of water didn’t help wash it down.

BUT my daughter saw me eating.

I had to eat in front of her at dinner as well … although my husband and I are in the process of separating it is still amicable and knowing I work out on the market all day with our daughter, he had cooked dinner. I usually feed the children early on a week night and then tell them I have my dinner when they are in bed. Anyway, he’d made spaghetti bolognaise for the family and he’d made me a huge portion of penne pasta with some mushrooms, grated parmesan cheese and a few slices of garlic bread.

My husband doesn’t understand my eating disorder. He does know I blame him for a lot of it but he just tells me I look fine and rolls his eyes when I barely eat a mouthful. Did I ever mention I HATE to eat in front of people??? I ate the mushrooms that were mixed with the pasta and I tried to count how many pieces of the penne I ate but with conversation over the meal (a great way to hide the fact you aren’t eating much – talk LOTS) … well I lost count.

I feel like such a hypocrite. How do I carry on my quest to be thin without screwing up my daughter?!?! My husband and I currently agree that after we separate, they will live with me … but if I go too far, how can I argue that I am the best for my kids? How do you know when too far is too far when you have been fat, ugly and overweight for so long?

Trade on the market wasn’t so good today and I wondered how much of it was me? See, when you are out there all day in the public eye – you get to see all sorts of people from all walks of life. You see the uber skinny and the hugely fat. You see weird shaped people and people who look okay from the back until they turn around and you see that it’s actually a woman not a bloke and her tits are drooping down to her knees.

Men notice me – a lot more. I’ve definitely picked up on that. I don’t wear half as much make-up as I used to either, so it must be from the weight loss. I used to hide behind a lot of eye make-up and rarely ventured out without lipstick. Since I’ve lost weight, I barely slap on a little mascara and some lip gloss! I had so many more men than usual come up to my stall, and I swear it was just to engage me in conversation. It didn’t make me feel good because I knew they weren’t going to buy anything.

I sell mainly to women. My “target” customer is 18-55 FEMALE. I sell around 10% to men. I noticed today a lot more “skinny” women come up to my stall now … and the more overweight ones walk past. Do the fat ones see me as a threat because I have lost weight? Do the skinny ones potentially see me as not just another fat person anymore?

This isn’t good for trade when the majority of the public is overweight!! I wrote a post just a couple of days ago about how I suddenly felt more judgemental about the way I looked at people … and I spotted then how people were looking at ME differently. Today being out there in the public all day, I REALLY noticed it.

I wore my new jeans today … the first time in a scary number of years that I have been as small as a size 12… a “perfect” size 12 too apparently even though I NEED to be a size 8. Funny, I always feel the need to quantify that as a UK size 12 – I believe that is actually a USA 8. I love how US sizes are smaller … I also now feel a need to book a flight and go shopping for size 8 clothes! hehee!

It was actually a beautiful day today and the sun was shining. I had a vest style top on under my zip up sweater, and it was actually WARM and when I walked the length of the market up to the toilet block, I took my sweater OFF. Okay that may sound weird, but when you are wearing new “tight” jeans that fit you perfectly, and a slim fitting top with no wrap or cover-up … you feel VERY VERY exposed!!

I had a smile on my face (it was a nice day!!) and almost felt confident as I felt the warmth of the sun on my back and the cute guys looking at me and smiling back.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Why can’t I be happy with that? Why can’t I be happy with being technically textbook perfect weight for my height? Why is it the more positive feedback I get the more I want to lose. Ugh it works the other way too when my friends say that I look great but probably shouldn’t lose more … WHY not? What’s wrong with not wanting to be average? What’s so wrong about enjoying the fact that although I have lost weight … I’m still fat (yeah ok in my eyes, but size 12 isn’t exactly skinny either) I want to lose more. I have a goal in mind and that’s where I’m heading.

On the upside … I posted yesterday that my weight hadn’t changed in 3 days. I did NOT weigh myself at 5.30am … fuck ok that’s a lie … I weighed myself at 5.30am when I got up, and was horrified by the gain of a pound, but quickly justified I’d drank a fair amount of alcohol before going to bed and hadn’t been to the toilet since I’d woken up. I weighed myself tonight and I was the same tonight as I was in the morning before … so that should mean a LOSS of at least one little tiny pound by tomorrow morning. Phew … I worried that I had hit a wall there!